Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Two Riffers, Episode 1: Bloody Moon (Part Four)

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Warning: You have reached Part Four, which contains a small sex scene and character deaths (though they're not in detail).

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10. death 2 your heart

Manic: Did boredom and general stupidity cause it?
Sonia: If that's the case, you would've been long dead.

New chaptah. U betr leik it11!11!

Sonia: I don't want to like it. You cannot make me like it.

I rote n jaccups persecteve n the end 2! Shuld I do dat other tims 2?

Manic: No. And why the hell'd you spoil that?

Saskay started to cri. He semed relly upsat buuuut ef he waz gunnna chet on me he doesn't desirve a awesum gurl leik me.

Manic: I think I'm drunk again.
Sonia: You've never been drunk before.
Manic: Well, I'd like to start drinking today. I wanna see if I can reach that level.

"wi don't have tim 4 dis rite now neway, we gotta save jacupp!11!1" I said worrid!

Manic: We now direct you all to the previous "sentence": "He semed relly upsat buuuut ef he waz gunnna chet on me he doesn't desirve a awesum gurl leik me."
Sonia: Yes, it is hypocritical.

I ran fastly

Sonia: Oh, so Sonic's the editor!
Sonic: I heard that!

up 2 da dor and kick it don with lotsa strengthe. The I gasped! Covered in blod I saw…

Manic: *as Lenobia* ...the remainder of my brain!
Sonia: That is disgusting.

Jacup was hurt on the flore! A few rainbow terz flowed down mah face n I got hella made.

Manic: Yo.

"WHY DE FUCK DID U DO THAT!"

Manic: Mon!
Sonia: *shakes her head*

I shoted! Glaring at pain prkins angrily. That's wen I could feel sumthin knew happyining.

Manic: She got horny for him.
Sonia: Manic...

I new I had a jinkurichy butt I thute I cold controll it, butt I waz rong. I sudenly trnsfurmd n2 a 10tailed wolf beast! Narato waz as shocked as I was!11!

Sonia: I wasn't. There are already too many Sues and Stus with ten tailed beasts in them.

"u go gurl!" hinata sed! Flippin her schmexy hair.

Manic: Oh, no she didn't!
Sonia: Yes, she unfortunately did.

I kicked pains azz as a wulf n used my elemental powers (I don't leik usin dem cuz dey r 2 powerful kinda leik the avatar) .

Sonia: *angrily explodes into ash*
Manic: *whistles as he sweeps Sonia's ashes up and places them on her seat*

I waz so mad I kept tearin him viciously. Pain was n pain (lolz!).

Sonia: *explodes again*
Manic: *sweeps Sonia's ashes up again* How the hell was that possible, sis?

"nooooo step!11!11" saskay said cuming n2 the rom nbetween me n pain.

Sonia: *quickly reforms herself* I really don't need any more variants of the word "cum".

I knocked n2 him n we crashed, I turned human agin butt I was naked. "wtfuck?" I quywestioned.

Manic: I'm not surprised; she's always ending up naked.

"wi ned hem alive cuz he nos the plan!" saskay explained.

Sonia: *as Sasuke* He's trying to make us speak proper English!

I read saskays mind, n I saw sumthin I didn't explect!

Manic: Was it a sex scene that didn't involve the Sue?

N his mind I saw dat he waz hired bi de volkatsuki 2 git clothes 2 me n find my weekness n kill me! I shuda nown. Damn.

Sonia: But you didn't. Buh-bye now.

Frum wat I red n his mine he only cheetd cuz he wanted me to be protectd n leave him so he cant hurt me. He loved me al this tim! I was still pissed though.

Manic: I was pissed 'cause that didn't make any damn sense.

"sasgay!`11 I no ur plan!11! u aids rideen asswhole!1 " I shooted n I said his plain lousdly 2 every1!

Sonia: Are you sure that you weren't describing yourself, ma'am?
Manic: *slaps Sonia on the back of her head*
Sonia: *rubs her head* Sorry!

They al gasdped!11!

"im srry hun I did it so iu could git revenge on my bro etachi! I hat that bastard!~ remebar he killed my famly!" saskay tried to expliane.

Manic: *as Lenobia* Screw your stupid dead family, listen to my problems instead!

I walkd up to him and glared! "u'd risk all we had 4 revenge? Wat a low stupid move!1! was this relly a mishon frum kakashy?" I replied while pinning him down on a wall.

Manic: I'm not sure if I should applaud or slap her.
Sonia: Do both. And while you're at it, find her some clothes that can actually fit her.
Manic: Nothing wrong with tight clothes, sis.
Sonia: No, I only have a problem with hers because her breasts are nearly falling out of them.

"nooo… I mad it up cuz I saw you n him fuckin! Ur the 1 who cheeted, I cant trust u nemore, u poseur tramp bitch!" sakay said, kinda sorta choking on tearz.

Manic: Can I clap now?
Sonia: No, because she actually didn't cheat...

I strated weeping and I runned a way. This couldn't b hapnying. I felt so u[pset. I went n2 a closet n cut myself with a kunife dere was so much blood I passed out….

Sonia and Manic: Bye now.

*jaccups perspextive*

When Lenobia ran a way I got pissed that emo asshat who made her cry,.

Sonia: An emo asshat is calling another emo an asshat.
Manic: Sounds legit.

He waz hur ex or sumthin n I didn't lieik his attitud 2 my gurl.

Manic: I didn't like your pubic hairs in my face.
Sonia: I can't even scold you for that.

I then stomped over 2 hem n pain perkins n nocked pain out with meh fist! I staired at saskay madly with haTE.

"ur such a fuckin douche2 lenobi"a! I said to him b4 running of 2 find her,

Sonia: If ony Emi was here with us.
Manic: Do we really need another show about everyone being on puppet strings?
Sonia: After the story that Cassy told me... I guess I'd really have to reconsider that.

I leaft the others bhind as dey al wached my sexy back run 2 find poor beautiful lenobia. I thougt aboat her amazingness

Manic: *as Jacob* ...but that's a lie, 'cause she's actually brainwashed me...

as I looked around da skool 4 her n I cryd abit remebaring the gewds tims we shared.

Manic: What "gewds tims"? All you did was screw her harder than a drill!

"lenobia! Wear r u!1!" I asked with worri. Wat if I coudnt fine her?

Sonia: Oh, well. There's always another lady.

I jumpd n the ar n bcam a wulf 2 try n snif her out. I walked on my wolf leegs al around aand sniffed everywear. Finally I found her sent!11!1

Manic: Yes, that familiar scent of dead fish can help.
Sonia: *throws her tuna sandwich at Manic*
Manic: Hey! Stop wasting food, man!

I barked as I fooled it 2 wearever she coud b. I stipped n front of the closet wear she was n turned back to a people.

Manic: She doesn't even have a heart. No way in hell that she can be "people".

"lenobia?" I asked softly,n then I turned the doornub…,,…,….

I gasped as the smell n site ov her blood fiiled my sences I fell on the flor wiff tears! Poor lenobia! I gasped!111!11!1

Sonia: Are you sad?
Manic: Nope.
Sonia: Okay.

U leik? Omfg cliffhager!`1! plz leafe gewd revielws!11!1

Sonia and Manic: No, it sucks, and no.

11. Im stil the same

Sonia and Manic: Obviously.

Kellie U BISH! I SAW U MAKIN 0UT w/ JAMES! U R A SLUT AND THA CHEATER!

Sonia: Why does this Tara clone have to drag her Jerry Springer drama into this?
Manic: 'Cause Tara did it first.

U ONLY USEDE KEVN 2 GET JAMEZ JEALOUS! FUK U! I hop we can gett bawk together Kevi….

Manic: Y'know, most people do write about what they know... but jeez...

Enjoy Da ChAFTA. DIS iz 4 Kitty, I LUV U GURL! Sorri it took 4evah I, waz grounded 4 stayin uup after 9

Manic: She probably would've been grounded longer if she proofread the whole thing.

…it was so stanrge wen I woke up. Blod waz everwear….. but ten I saw jacuup. "jacuup….." I calleded out sofly.

"Lenobia, omg what the hell happened?" he assed me.

Sonia: I don't want to hear about anyone "assing" anyone else.
Manic: Dude, she Enoby'd herself again! Why'd you need to ask that?

I started to cri rainbow tearz n I sad sofly. "I tryed 2 kill meself…. "

Manic: No duh.
Sonia: I wish she was successful.

Jaccup cuddled clothes to me.

Sonia: Which is something she desperately needs...

"babe it wil b okay. Saskay isn't gewd 4 u neway. I luv u. " he said nd kissed me on the check.

I strated kissing jaccup and we did it 4 the furst tim n a long tim. His longjohn felt good nside me.

Sonia and Manic: *facepalms*
Sonia: Oh, dear heavens...

Afterwards I put close on.

Manic: Pasties aren't clothes, dude.

"thnx jaccup, I neded it." I sed while, my tearz dryed.

Sonia: Yes... you needed to have sex... while you were bleeding harder than a mook from "Kill Bill".

"k babe I think we shud go now tho" he ansered excitedly n deprezed.

Manic: Doesn't that cancel out? I'm not getting this.

Meanwhile…

Naruto n hinata were tyin pain up so he culdnt hurt ne1 wen he woked up. Dey where afraid of him n needed my help.

Sonia: Of course they needed your help. After all, you're so wonderful and special.

"where iz lenobia?" hinata assed narato.

"idk, I hope jaccup finds here soon!1!" he repklied worryedly.

Manic: *mumbles* Oh, he found her all right, man.

Pain satarped 2 woke up. He brused dirt frum hiz coat. Ansd tore da rope n stood up. "you dumbfucks cant hurt me!~11!1!" he screaed!

Sonia: Did you people tie him up with thread?
Manic: Dude, it's Pain. He can break out of a lot of crap.

Psin then punched hinata as she tryd to fite back, then naruto hit pain back 4 revenge.

Sonia: And then a slap fight over milk money commenced.

Pain almost dogged it. Naerutos fist cuntneccterd to pans chiek.

Manic: That just made me imagine something I can't get rid of.
Sonia: What's that?
Manic: I just imagined Naruto punching a girl in the crotch.
Sonia: Oh. Well, someone out there likes that stuff... as odd as that is.

"UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" AHe sceremed. Pain fell backwards. And as he waz about 2 land on hiz axs. He skidded forwood and tackl;ed Naerutos.

Sonia: Now I'm imagining Pain scooting his butt along the carpet like a dog.
Manic: Yuck.

Pain startted 2 punch naeruto in the face. Naerutos put uup hiz dukez 2 block hiz face, it waz hiz only line of defence. Pain grapped naerutos face ansd yielded "Almighty PUSH PUSSH!".

Manic: And then a baby was born!
Sonia: Do you really want me to stay at the nearest psych ward, Manic?

And an explosion erupted frum naerutos' face. Hiz heef wasw almust crushed against ther grond. Naeruto waz n a lot off pain (LOL Pains name iz pain.).

Sonia: *tugs at her hair while shouting angry gibberish*
Manic: Sure you want to go bald before you hit thirty, sis?

"Wheres Lenobia emuyen dark'moone Cullen?" Naerutos saeid in pain(LOL Cuz hes in pain and pans name waz pain).

Manic: *chokes the narrator with a random chain*

Then all, of a sudden I showed up with jaccup!111! 'Naruto I am here to heelp u!1!' I screamed out fiercley and sexily.

Sonia: And stupidly.

"lenobia thank gawd!" hintata sed as she tryd to fite pain.

"I got dis!"

Manic: Am I watching "George Lopez" now?

I shooted forming handsins relly fast wiff lighting sped. "Supur nINJA aRT; gUITER oF hELL!"

Sonia: I'm already there; I'm reading this thing.

suddenly a flaming guiter flamed into my handz. I seid "Are You Ready To Rook?" I yellled/?

Sonia: *facepalms*
Manic: Oh, boy. Someone's not gonna like that.
Sonia: Who, Sonic?
Manic: No, it's somebody else I know.

I than strummbed on the guiter sexily and falming soundwavs blasted at pain, who was shook with fear.

Sonia: Humping the guitar does not count as playing it.
Manic: She's no Jimi Hendrix. And did she just--
*Suddenly, the screen explodes.*
Sonia: What the hell?!
Manic: *turns around and notices Sonic with his guitar* Did you just nuke the screen, bro?
Sonic: Yes. Oh, and Amy's gonna replace it after this chapter's done. Enjoy the audio, guys.

His cot burnede rite of. revealing sexy abs tht were all brnede. "U leaf mi no choose, VOLKATSUKI! ASEMBLE!" Pein yellled. Suddenly

Manic: ...the Avengers arrived!

a wore bunch of volkatauki ninja appeared behing him. There waz pain, ithachi, kakuzi, Hinden, diedara, hiei, sasore, nagato, kona, zetsu, orshemaru, tobe, madara, Jane, Aro, Marcus, and obito appeared behing pain.

Sonia: Ah, so Pain cloned himself. That's good to know.

"KILL DEM ALLL!" Pain yelllled. Naruko waz shaking liek a leaf, butv I waz a little afraind. I didn't thjink I could kill dem all in 1 shoot.

Sonia: Watch her accomplish that feat. Oh, the "modesty" of Mary Sues.

I yellled "NINJA ART…" while wking fast hand signz.

Manic: Unfortunately, she made a gang sign. You guys can do the math.

AWESUM ahh?

Sonia and Manic: No.

REVIOW OR ELSE!1111111111!

Manic: *feigns being scared* Ooh, I'm mildly threatened.

ALSO FUK U BAD REVIWERRZ!

Sonia: Here's a hint... write properly. As a matter of fact, stop writing.

12. the one

Sonia: ...who will end this mediocrity?

Thx 4 all da support form ma frinendz! U rook! Dis chapta iz EPIK!

Manic: Is she working for Capcom right now?

Than, before I cod do a jutsi, ithachi diedara and hinden all grapped me and destroyzed ma guiter off hellz.

Sonia and Manic: *cheering*
Manic: Whoo! No more brown notes!

I puncted hinden in da face.

"U DOUBLE DUMBO BITCH MCBITCH PANTZ!" he seid ass he waz recoilin.

Sonia: Is that Kathryn's new nickname?
Manic: Nah, that's too long. I'm just gonna settle for "Bitchy McBitch".
Sonia: Fair enough.

And feel on ze floor.

Manic: *in a French accent* Sacre bleu!
Sonia: *holds Manic's cell phone* Guess what, Manic?
Manic: Oh, crapola. Tell him I'm not here.
Sonia: *sees Kyo L. from the the window pointing at Manic* I can't say that, unfortunately. *waves Kyo L. away* Shoo! We're riffing here!

He toke out hiz gigant siggle stythe.

Manic: You mean his penis?
Sonia: *spits her tea out* Manic!

Ithachi and diedara struggggled to kept me down.

Manic: Itachi? Struggling? The hell is this?
Sonia: In name only, Manic.

He slazed away. The pointz of te sycthe pierzed my skim. Since it waz painfulll, it felt kinddas lick n orgasmn.

Manic: *dials a number on his cell phone*
Sonia: What are you doing?
Manic: Hold on, sis. *now on his cell phone* Yeah, Jessie? Hey, it's me. I wanna know something; is an orgasm painful for a female? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Thanks, man. Yeah, you take care. *hangs up*
Sonia: Well?
Manic: She said that it was only a little painful if it was your first time... and then she mentioned something about being chained up. I dunno, she's just kinky.

I creed tirz of rainbow blody moon. Hinden keept slazing. Till I brok free of diedara and ithachi. The y feel bawk.

Manic: *clucks*

Since de akstsuki were all vamps. Diedara strted 2 bit me wiff hiz handz. On the neck. Ithaci started 32 bit me 2. "NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOPMOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOPMOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOPM OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOPM" thety both yielded.

Sonia: Was... that really necessary?

I kep gerrtting weaker and weaker.

Manic: Eh. Let me know when you kick the bucket.

"STOP U MOTHER FUKERing FUKERZ!"

Sonia: Dumblydore?

jacup yelled.

Sonia: Oh. Darn.

Jacup turne into a wulf and burtailly killed hinden, ithachi, and diedara, and saved me. "thx jacup"" I sedi.

"Why caunt u die?" pain screamed.

Sonia: Is he talking to Jacob or the Sue?
Manic: If it's Jacob, it's probably 'cause his pubes make him invincible.

Just thing, all the akatsuki members pussyied out nd run away cept pain.. The twilight charrie were still dear.

Sonia: Did she say "there" or "dead"?
Manic: *shrugs*

Dey all storted 2 attak jacup who waz fighting 4 hiz life. He kikked jane in tha face. Who rcoiled and triad 2 bit him. Whgile marcus whipped hiz heir bck an stabbed jacup in the bawk whilev he waz kikkingh Arro. Jacup fell 2 tha floor agonizing in pain.

Sonia: Good! That's the pain I felt when I had to listen to your bitching for two books, you ass!
Manic: You're, um... you're a very passionate reader, sis.

Marcus baked off. Pain steeped forward 2 jacup who was struggling 2 keep blod from pouring from his chest.

Manic: Guys? I think the Red Cross would like that blood.
Sonia: No, they don't.

Pain waz holding a black silver steak and readyied

Manic: ...a grill.

2 stabed jacup in that heart.

Manic: Damn, how come we never get anything good?

I then began 2 think about jacup and how we met.

Sonia: You first met when he showed you his pubic hair! What part of that can't be processed in your tiny brain?!

Then about the blod on the dance floor song, death 2 your heart. I slowy began 2 raise my beaten but smexy bod.

Manic: You know, people only like that stuff when you don't have an ego that's bigger than the planet Jupiter. Just sayin'.

Jacup waz in danger and no 1 waz around, I knew I had 2 stop pain forever.

Sonia: If she dies, will we care?
Manic: Not really.
Sonia: I figured as much.

As I waz getting up, naeruto, from outta nowhere, jumped on paim's back and started to hit him. Pain backed away fram jacup as he was getting beat. The steak broke.

Manic: Damn you! Now what will I have for dinner?

The voiltarire helped get naeruto off of him. Naeruto fell on the floor and the Voltaire were about 2 bit him.

Sonia: Voltaire? Wait, why is a philosopher about to bite him?

"LEAVE HIM ALONE U STUPIDZ POSY BISH FUKERZZZ!" I yeileded.

Sonia: Yes, we can clearly see that.

I started to ran pass jacup and took my kunai and baegen to hash away at da bad guyz. Iu hit jane first, she storted 2 sceam as blood poured down her black akatsuki rope.

Manic: *raises his hand* Um, excuse me... I thought that vampires didn't bleed.
Sonia: This is a warped universe. Take it with a grain of salt.

The light left her eyez ass she hit the floor. Marcus was scared, s0 he runned away and lefty the skooul. Aco left 2.

Manic: I nearly translated that before my line of vision blurred. Now I don't care anymore.

Pain waz next 2, I turned into a werewolgff and bit Pain in hiz neck. Hiz oranger hair suddenly turned white as the blood form hiz neck squirted out like a mudkip using water gun at lvl. 45.

Sonia: *dumbfounded* What the blasted...
Manic: *laughs as he has one of his hands on his forehead* Oh, now that's great!

He traide 2 fight bak, but hiz arms dint helped him ass he karate chopped me weekly.

Manic: No wonder he's so weak! He hasn't been training daily!

He brethed hiz last breath. I felt a little sad for him cuz he waz abused as a child by hiz former perv of a master, jirayia.

Sonia: *speaks through clenched teeth* Why... did you bring that up now?

I let his hot bod down slowly.

Manic: Mmm, baby! Nothing like calling the dead with a little necrophilia!
Sonia: That's it! I want a DNA test so I can prove that you are not my brother!
Manic: *holds up a paper* Did that long ago; we're still bro and sis. Get used to it, man.
Sonia: *sighs*

I shedded a lot of rainbow tearz on him.

Sonia: I wonder if I can fit my head into my pitcher of tea...

Naeruto told me to tend 2 jacup- as he went 2 find hintar, who had get 2 safety cuz she waz hurt or sumthing.

Sonia: Or because she was a girl that wasn't the Sue or something.
Manic: I think she's at Kishimoto's level of writing now!

"aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!1112?" jacup scared as hi hit the hard floor.

Manic: What the hell was that?
Sonia: I don't know. At this rate, I really want to believe that my tea is spiked.

I turned bak into a hum,an, fully chothed and helped him up.

"plz, don't leav me." I sed, as jacup p[laced hiz hand on my rainbowwed cheek.

Manic: Now imagine that we're in a rainbow version of the Matrix.
Sonia: We are, Manic.
Manic: Crap.

"Lenobia, ive always been with u, cuz your stil the same." He replied while chofhing blod.

Manic: Eww. I'm just imagining a cotton blood ball now.
Sonia: Do you want me to have insomnia, Manic?
Manic: Yes.
Sonia: Fine. But remember that I'm the one who does most of the driving. Don't be a passenger if I don't get enough sleep.
Manic: *mutters* Then you should be in bed instead of wreakin' havoc on the roads...

"Remember, im your battle for every war. Ill always protect u" jacup seid.

Sonia: Heard it before!
Manic: Boring!

"Jacup, all I want 2 do now iz be w/ u. I've mad so much mistakez,

Manic: *falls out of his seat while laughing*

but I know youll forgive me." I sad

"me 2 babe, I just wish we could maybe….get marriied" he sed weekly.

Sonia: Are you aiming to be a comedian?

I gasped and started to cry, I put my head on hiz rock hard cheast. "Jacup….Im sorry, but I cant. I cant have some1 as 3mo and great and sexy like you. I don't desereve u…." I sed

Manic: *mutters as he returns to his seat* Well, we don't deserve to question our sanity with this mangled fic, that's for sure...

"Babe, u talking 2 mush."

Sonia: Well, the writing is mush, so...

He sed silently. I move my head towards hiz and we started 2 kiss, as if it werwe the las time. The kiss lasted for about 2 minutes.

Sonia: Long time for the last time, isn't it?
Manic: Yep.

"Death 2 your heart….." I sed, closing jacup's dead eyes. I couldn't help choking up tearz.….

Manic: And then he hid himself while he resurrected himself!

End of part 1….

Sonia: Wait, there was a part one?
Manic: Well, we're about to hit part five of this riffing.
Sonia: Stop breaking the fourth wall, Manic.

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