Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Two Riffers, Episode 1: Bloody Moon (Part Six)

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Warning: You have reached Part Six of this riffing, which contains sex scenes.

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16. reterning home

Manic: *sarcastically* How fortunate.

Hay 3mos...new chaftha! Sorry 4 tha wait.

Sonia: I think I was perfectly content with waiting.

Thank u 2 my suporters and friends 4 helpin me get through this rouch tim3.

Manic: They supported you through roaches? Huh?

Thx... And guezz wat? IM NOT GIVEN UP U FUKERZZ (Haterz!)!.

Sonia: I'm so sick of that "word". Have we run out of wit that we have to resort to that?
Manic: Yep. Life sucks, man.

We all got our armer

Manic: ...or clouds, in the case of Lobotomy...

on our bodys and went into a giant ship so we could chase tha covenents who where taking james 2 their base. They maybe were going 2 diseect him or torture him.

Manic: Why? He didn't do anything worth torturing! Kill the Troll Sue!

But i wont let tht happen 2 my james,. Because they had james, they only wanted me so thety coud kill me and james.

Sonia: She's a real screen hog, isn't she?

"lenobia babe. Are u redy?" emile seid wile loadin hiz gun.

"I told ya...i'm" i repied wiff a serius stair.

Sonia: Looks like she's not serious enough to complete that sentence.
Manic: I'm more concerned about the serious stair. Where can I get one of those?

"good" emile repllied back. He leened 4ward n kissed my 4head gentley while a big blush coverd my face.

Manic: *sarcastically* Oh, wonderful.

"u no, even tho u seem ta luv james, i want u 2 kno ill always love u hun..." he whispeared n2 my ear.

"...really?" i said shooked.

Sonia: *rolls her eyes*

I smiled him and kissed him rite on da lips! "i car about u alot emile... probs even moer then i do 4 james..."

Sonia: Listen, you... there's only one thing that you care about. That happens to be your ladybits.
Manic: She's not even caring about that. They're probably all stretched out and--
Sonia: Manic! *coughs* Besides, that's actually incorrect. They don't... remain stretched out.

"well no madder wat ill always b their, no madder who u choice." Emile said. Ten we started makin out alittle,

Sonia: And I choked on my own tongue a little.

but ten kat waz whactin creeply n da corner wiff her kfc, so we stopped n creeped away from her 2 go talk 2 tha others.

Manic: *confused* Okay...

"we redy 2 go 2 plainet lunarskull?" drakina assed as we walked n.

"yea we r!" emile sed. "where lainding n just a wee bit."

Manic: *raises his hand, speaks in a quiet tone* I'm not.

Then we landed n all hell broke lost.

Sonia: Somebody pressed F7.
Manic: Hot damn!

We exited da ship n landed n a feild of rlly powerful covenant bad gyus.

We got out of da ship az thy wer firning at us,. I used my special fire powers 2 beat da shit outta a bunch 2 clear the way so dey coldnt take us hostage.

Manic: Because she's wonderful and stuff.
Sonia: *files her nails* Uh-huh. Whatever.

We all strommed threaw the patch of land a nd went 2 da covent ship tht we parked next 2. While we wer doing tht, Kat got shot.

Sonia: I already shot somebody named Kat. She's roasting in Hell where she belongs, thank you very much.

"OMG! Kat. R U hit? Thers blod on yer feet and waste." Jorge seid b/c we was angryily at kat cause shes fat.

"im on my periods." Kat seid like a cow while muinchin on her kfc.

Sonia: Oh, we have fat shaming and menstruation jokes. How hilarious. *bluntly* I hope you get run over by a bus.

Just den! Da covent ship's dorr's opened wide like my mouth openrs.

Manic: Makes we wonder what she can fit in her--
Sonia: No, Manic. Just... no.

And out came da covent leadder...it waz a girl w/ an overly make-uped face and w/ preppy blaq hair tht was not 3mo.

Manic: Uh, Loopadin... you once said, and I quote, "Cool beans." Definitely not "emo", dude.

It waz...the evil bitch whore. Who waz. REBECCA BLACK!

Manic: Who's not even close to evil to begin with, but okay.

'OH MAH FU**KING GAWD!'

Manic: Oh, now you want to censor curse words.

I yeilded, "COVER YOU'RE EARS AND HAIR! Her voice is bad and not good. "

Sonia: Thank you, Captain Redundancy.

Den, rebeccka was wearing a giant long preppy dress w/ fake pink nail Polish. She screamed her ugly and bad sung 2 us.

Sonia: I think we're missing a noun somewhere.
Manic: I've lost brain cells everywhere. No big deal.

"ITS FRYDAY FRYDAY!" she yeiled and cuntinude.

Every1 covered the're ears except kat who seid "I liek it!" in a retard voice. I shot her in ta stomach liek a badazz. Emile and every1 seid it waz ok.

Manic: It wasn't.
Sonia: Why?
Manic: Because the Sue didn't get shot along with her.

"I have james now, u cant save hime. "

Sonia: Who's talking?
Manic: Probably me after a bunch of roller coaster rides.

Den 2 gureds from the covenant ship came in holding james and standed nxt 2 rebecca.

"Lenobia, Emile, RUN!" james sid.

"f*ck N0!" "I f*ckin need u! We comed all this way 4 u!" I replaid.

Manic: And then some.

I den grabbled my gun i ucsed 2 shot kat and shot tat dumb bitch whore slut Rebecca black in her stupid hart!

Sonia: Well, you just described yourself when you tried to insult Rebecca Black. Care to try again?
Manic: *slaps Sonia on the back of her head*

Teh gurds let go off james and sid "Mrs. Black!1" dey grabbed Rebecca and ran away liek pussies.

kat leeped up n followed. "u guys suck! Im leavin n goin with her~" but nobody cared cause no1 liked her anyway.

Manic: I don't like you, Loopadin. How come you ain't leaving?

"well be back!" Rebecca black shooted with a coff.

Sonia: Wait, she got shot in the heart. Why is she still alive?
Manic: Well, Loopadin got shot in the head. They are in a video game, after all.
Sonia: Oh, right.

I caught james n untied him and we kissed again and again.

"We won!"

I said.

Sonia: *pushes "I said." next to "We won!"* There.

"How do we get home?" Drakina and Carlos saeid at the same tim and sounded liek a cute cuples.

Sonia: *places a piece of cheese on a cracker and eats it* Delicious.

"Emile, u have 2 cum w./ us!" I said. He seid ok.

Manic: I said, "Oh, god."

"We'll all miss you leobia. You're brave and u helped us alot." Carter said.

Manic: Because being a big boobed Rambo was very helpful.
Sonia: She wasn't even close to being Rambo. And I should know... I saw those movies with James.
Manic: Does he have anything that doesn't have explosions in it?
Sonia: Yes... and if I told you, he'd kill me.

"cum with us" i sed.

Sonia and Manic: No, don't!

"espically u, emile. I wanna get 2 kno u more."

Manic: Including his giant afro pubic hairs, I'm sure.

He toke of his hellmat n smiled at me sexily. "i liek dat idea babe." He replied wiff a wink cuz no1 new he liked me,

Sonia: *bitterly* I want to strangle you, Mary Sue.

I wobnderd ho we gunna git home. But then i thought...I cud use mah vampire powahs!

Manic: *repeatedly hits his head on the table*
Sonia: If you keep doing that, you will have fewer brain cells than her.

"Every1 on me!" I seid. Every1 grabbd my sexy bod and seid now wat?

Sonia: You all die. How about that? The End, let's go!
Manic: Too bad that's not happening.

I teleported every1 out and as soon as i knew it. We waz all at tha Cullen house agin, hapy to b back.

Sonia: To take a page from both Kyos... *clears her throat* That was so fucking stupid.

Okl! Next chafta wil be posted!

Manic: Why?

Dis story iz not done yet!

Manic: *whines* Why not? Why won't it end?

I hope you liek the nxt exiting chaftha of blood moon!

Sonia: I didn't like the other chapters. I didn't like the ass pull you did this chapter. There is no way in Hell that I'm going to enjoy the remaining chapters. You hear me?!

Btw I don't own halo retch or any of it's charactors. All dat goes to Bungie.

Manic: Yeah, thank goodness for that, man.
Sonia: I'm already retching.

17. love triangle

Sonia and Manic: *laughing*

Heyyyy gais!

Manic: Go 'way.

New chaptah tim! U redy?

Sonia and Manic: No.

Cuz i am!

Sonia and Manic: *in a bored tone* Wonderful.

My friend Drakina helpd me tip this 1 cuz i waz havin troble wiff ideas n shit (thnx gurl!)... so hear we goo!

Manic: Hold on... there were ideas?
Sonia: Apparently.
Manic: Where?
Sonia: I don't know. Get a microscope.

We fell through the tv and we all landed on each other with a thud.

Sonia: Thud. It was the sound that this endless fic made on our ears.

I looked around with a happy grin on my face. We were back.

Manic: Now note my scowling face.

My smile quickly turned to confusion when I saw... Logan and Emmet on the floor having sex!1!

"... ooh hi guys..." Logan and Emmett said at the same time with a blush on there faces.

James facepalmed and replied "wtf!" in shock. "what the hell are you to doing?"

Sonia: Playing checkers. What do you think, you ninny?!

Logan and Emmet just stared at each other for a second, then quickly got up and put on their clothes as fast as they could. "we were, uh, making sure you guys were safe," Emmett said with a sheepish grin while running a hand threw his sexy hair.

Manic: Well, they were certainly not located in anyone's--
Sonia: Thank you!

Emile turned away and shook his head. "Greaaat, this is definitely a interesting first site in your world, Lenobia..." he said sarcastically, nudging my arm with his.

Manic: Get used to it, man. That's all you'll ever see here... male on male or male on female. Female on female, what's that? *sarcastically* That's so disgusting!
Sonia: You're close, Manic; it's male on male and male on Mary Sue. Male on another female is disgusting. Female on female is disgusting. Such is the law of badfic.

But Then!

Sonia and Manic: To Be Continued!

Loud, banging thumps where coming from the closet. A muffled voice was echoing inside. Everyone watched it in shock.

Manic: You can see a voice?
Sonia: That's why closed captioning was invented.

"holy shit i forgot he was in their!" Logan shrieked. He opened the door and Edward came running out.

Edward was furious as fuck. "why the hell did you throw me in there!" Edward questioned, very pissed off.

Sonia: You know... if it were up to me, I'd throw you into a pool full of Great White Sharks.
Manic: And I don't know why he was so mad, anyway. Everyone knows that he's gay. Look at all of those fics that have him "wrestling" with Jacob.
Sonia: Thank you. Now I can peacefully drill a hole into both of my eyes.

I watched in confusion at what had happened while we were in the video game. Wtf?

Manic: I am not surprised. I know how you all think, and it frightens me sometimes.

I flipped my long gorgeous hair and

Sonia: ...I shaved it off with a buzzsaw.

stepped in between Logan and Edward. "Calm down boys," I said sexily, which caused Edward to give me a tiny kiss on the cheek. Emile and James noticed this action, they were a little jealous, but I just shrugged at them and they understood it, I guess.

Manic: Sis?
Sonia: What?
Manic: I think I just tasted bile.
Sonia: Natural reaction... unfortunately.

"oh alrite Lenobia..." edward said with an emo hair flip. "but it still pisses me off!1!"

Sonia: No different than how you whine in your original material. I guess it cancels out.

Emile walked up sexily to me. "hey babe, can i talk to you in private for a bit?" he whispered in my ear seducktively.

"sure" i replied, leading him into the kitchen "what's up?"

Sonia: *bluntly* The ceiling.
Manic: *plays a drum riff*

"well..." started Emile but then he looked down sadly. "its that edword guy. I don't think hes good enough for you. I can tolerate that James kid, but this Edward guy gives me the creeps."

Manic: If only you could say that to Bella.
Sonia: Unfortunately, she's too stupid to comprehend how many fingers that you will be holding up while she's sober.

I gasped! "you guys should get to knoe each other... he's my best friend..."

Manic: *as Lenobia* Sure, he might kill you and feed you to vultures and dump your carcass into the ocean and stuff, but he's my best friend, damn it!

i said in shock! I then started crying rainbow bloody tears. I couldn't help it. Then Jacob came into my mind, and i started crying more!

Sonia: *sighs heavily* I understand mourning and all... but this is getting incredibly tedious.

"ohemgee, Lenobia! I'm srry! " Emile said, while realizing he hurt my feelings.

Sonia: Hey, moron... he didn't. You just randomly thought about him.

He wrapped his strong arms around me and i just kept crying and crying. At least i felt comfortable with him. I knew Jacob could never be replaced in my heart yet i felt that emile definitely helped me try to move on.

Manic: Psh. Whatever, man.

"its okay..." i said softly... "im just crying for my dead bf..." emile wrapped his arms around me tighter and kissed me full on the lips! I was shooked, and i kissed him back.

We started making out and his hands slid over my busty chest and on my nice round ass.

Sonia: *facepalms while shaking her head* Not this again...
Manic: *laughs wildly* 'Bout time that "The Comedy Hour" came back!
Sonia: Let's ignore the fact that they are going to reproduce in the kitchen.
Manic: Oh, well. It's not our kitchen, and I'm not visitin' them.

I put my hand down his pants and felt his hard big longjohn. He took off my short strapless top that revealed my cleavage and my short leather skirt with the mesh leggings underneath. I pulled off his pants as well.

Manic: Sis. Sis. Look.
Sonia: I don't want to.
Manic: No, really; the Sue gets all of the descriptions, and when it came to the guy, it was all like, "Pants. The End."
Sonia: Oh. I still don't want to look,

Then... we where naked!

Sonia: *gasps* Really? *sarcastically* I assumed that you two were going to trek the Rocky Mountains!

He got ontop of me and shoved his big longjohn into me and i moaned loadly in pleasure. "ohhhhhh Emile!" I shooted. We kept it up for like an hour, then we just laid their in the kitchen.

Sonia: And nobody heard that?
Manic: This fic's full of stupidly horny people. Of course nobody's gonna hear 'em.

"Emile?" i asked, cuddling next to him. "why do you like me?"

Manic: T and A. Duh!

He looked me straight in the eye as though i said something wrong. "why wouldn't i? Your beautiful! That Edward guy is soooo lucky to have you..."

Sonia: He dumped a horny and bitchy idiot for another horny and bitchy idiot.
Manic: Sounds legit.

Then! I had an idea. "but you know... you could have me too... and he wouldn't have to know..." I said with a winky face and a grin.

"you mean, youd cheat on him with me?" emile inquired.

"yup!" i replied sheepishly.

Manic: Dude... that ain't sheepish.

"you mean alot to me, and you remind me of the bf I lost... i want you babe."

Emile kissed me passionately. "Good! Cauese I want you too!" he said "and I think I love you..."

"I love you too" i replied with a blush.

Sonia and Manic: That is not love, you!

But then!

The kitchen door opened, and James walked in!1!

"what the fuk are you guys doing?/!" he said!

Manic: It waz....... DUMBLYDORE!
Sonia: Shut up, Manic.

Cliffhanger!

Sonia: Get out.

Ohhemgee, wat do you think wil happen nxt?

Manic: James will join them, creating a threesome. Yep.

U will find out nxt tim! Plz r & R! Thnx 2 my bffl Drakina 4 helpin me type this! Ily gurl!

Sonia: I don't love anyone who was a part of this madness.

18. Its my decision

Manic: My decision to sleep in the kitchen! Freedom of expression, bitches!
Sonia: I don't know you anymore.

Thnxs to Drakina 4 typing this 1 n helpin me out, it relly halped!111!11!.

Sonia: It certainly doesn't look like any help was applied here.

Njoy 3mos! :D

Manic: Cool beans, man.

Edward and James walked in the kitchen. "Lenobia, what's going on in my beautiful kitchen! " Edward said grabbing Emile by the neck and shaking him.

Manic: Sex. Oh, and they made a cream pie.
Sonia: Manic!
Manic: *with a slice of cream pie* I meant the dessert, but okay. You just had to interpret it in that manner.

"Lenobia, how could you? We're supposed to be...together" James said as multiple tears flowed down his eyes. I quickly put back on all my clothes, and Emile did the same.

Manic: Doesn't look like a triangle anymore, sis.
Sonia: Obviously. Considering the amount of boys that she's slept with, I'd say that it was a love hexagon or something.

"That's it Lenobia! After what you did to my beautiful kitchen, you'll have to pay for the damages!" Edward said

"No fucking way!" I responded while embracing Emile.

Sonia: Yes fucking way, you selfish twat.
Manic: Whoa, sis!

Edward then grabbed a mop that was adjacent to the entrance he came from.

Manic: Hey, she used a school word! How ironic.

He used the mop to wipe up the "mess" left behind by Emile and I.

Sonia: You mean this fic?

James and I talked while Edward just muttered and cleaned.

"Lenobia...now that I see how happy Emile makes you, I want to break up. "

I gasped harshly! ""we were never together! I thought you where cute, but that was it..."

Sonia: Okay, how many boys has she hooked up with again?
Manic: Lost count, don't care.

Emile frowned. He didn't like all the shit that was going down.

Manic: I didn't, either.

He wanted me to be happy, butt this was too seriously messed up!

Manic: Dur-hay!
Sonia: And let's ignore the fact that you strung everyone along. That sounds logical.

He stepped up to James. "I'm tired of you messing with my girl. I'm stepping up. Let's prove whose best for her by seeing who can pleasure her best!" Emile challenged.

Manic: *snaps his fingers* Yep!
Sonia: Oh, dear heavens...
Sonic: *calmly walks into the living room with a bowl of popcorn, looks at the screen* Looks like you're far from Heaven there.
Sonia: *annoyed* Sonic... go away.
Sonic: *sits down while eating a handful of popcorn* Why? I live here, too. Let me watch you two riff for the heck of it.
Manic: *grabs two handfuls of popcorn from Sonic's bowl* Why not? Besides, sis... he got the good buttery kind.

"Deal! Let's get this on!" James accepted! "Lenobia, undress, get ready for ME to be the Viktor."

I looked at them with a shrug. If they wanted a threesome, then I'd go with it I guess. They both probs would look hella sexy together anyway heehee.

Sonia: Know what else is sexy? Drug-resistant gonorrhea. Get some protection, damn it.

I took off my black leather corset, my short mini skirt and my fishnet stockings an boots, totally ready to get banged. This might be kinda weird lol I thought, watching the other two strip naked.

Manic: Dude... there's nothing weird about seeing them strip naked when you found Jacob's pubic hair hot. Just sayin', man.

Thats when the threesome commenced.

First james decided to be the one who fucked me, and Emile next. Emile in my opinion was a much better at this.

Sonia: Well, that just spoiled the whole thing... as if there was anything to spoil in the first blasted place.

I moaned a lot with both of them, but i had made my decision at the end of it all. Emile.

Manic: *wearing a dunce cap* Sis, do you know who she picked?
Sonia: *also wearing a dunce cap* I don't know. I'm just too stupid to comprehend this.
Sonic: *also wearing a dunce cap, still munching on popcorn*

We all put our clothes back on before anyone said anything. I was first to speak.

Manic: Methinks that the clothes were just sprayed from a can.
Sonia: Instant Spray Clothes?
Manic: Considering that she's always tearing her clothes off every other chapter... yeah, they're Instant Spray Clothes. Trademark.

"And the winner is...Emile! "

Manic: *hums "The Price Is Right" theme song*

James sighed "Well, I guess that's fair, considering I can see he loves you. I'm happy if you're happy."

"Thanks James, we can still be good friends." I replied.

Sonia: What? They would normally battle it out like they're on "Jerry Springer".

Emile and James shook hands in a sportsman like manner.

Manic: Nope, it's a frathouse. *as Emile/James* Dude! We totally banged the easy chick!

"Don't worry, I'll protect her with my life" Emile said.

A week had passed since we got home, and James, Carlos, and Logan cancelled their plans for a tour across America to stay at Forks High for the rest of the year. We would ditch school alot and do enjoyable stuff.

Sonia: Yes, let's cancel the entire tour for one black hole. Intelligent life does not exist here.

But...I felt as if something was missing...It was Jacob...

Sonia: *exasperated* Oh, my god!
Manic: Why don't you just resurrect him or something? It'll save us all the trouble.

Day to day, I would constantly always remember his dramatic passing, and I would think of some way to save him, but I would always cry bloody rainbow tears everytime I thought about it. I started seeing Edward again and talking to him about Jacob. I felt wanting to kill myself, but Ed comforted me.

Manic: And then she did Edward. Because... hey, why not?

On Monday, I did my daily routine in school, get all A's in every class because I'm really intelligent.

Sonia: Yes, and I'm the Prime Minister of Austrailia.

That is until, Edward approached Emile and I at lunch.

"Hey Lenobi." He said shyly. He was wearing his usual black emo clothes except this time his hair was spiky midnight blue.

Manic: How funny. He actually looks better.
Sonia: Have you been huffing paint?
Manic: I wish. I'd like to forget this fic, y'know.

"Hey Ed," Emile said fist bumping Edward's hand.

"You got something to say?" I asked while chilling with Emile.

Sonia: *as Edward* Yes. I want to murder you for making me look like this.

"Lenobia...you know how you've been talking to me about Jacob?" He paused.

"I've been reading about reviving people in rare books by vampires...and I think I know how you can get him back.."

I GASPED!

Sonia: Manic... are you some kind of awkward psychic?
Manic: Nope. Just an awesome cliché sniffer.

THX 4 REEDIN! IM GOIN 2 STRAT PUSTING MONTHY NOW!

Sonia and Manic: *flatly* Yay...

S0 next mounth will be a new chaftha.!

Manic: And in this upcoming chapter, we'll need an item of Jacob's to help with the resurrection.
Sonia: Don't even go there. I know what you're going to say.
Manic: *holds a copy of "Breaking Dawn"* I was going to mention Bella's Hellspawn, but okay. You just had to go there again.

BTW... JACOB IZx SEXY! 3

BTW... BIG TIME RUSH Iz SEXYY! 3!

Manic: Finding the light at the end of the tunnel? Now that will be sexy.
Sonia: Indeed.

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