Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Three Riffers, Episode 1: RuSa Drabble

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Note: This fic has nothing explicit, but some of Emi's riffs contain spoilers about Ruby and Sapphire's childhood from the Pokémon Special/Adventures manga. Skip this riffing if you don't want to be spoiled.

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"God, what the hell did I do to deserve staying in a room with two morons?" Cammy mentally screamed in her aching head and falls back on her comfy hotel bed.

Keiko: *mutters* Well, somebody's a big ray of sunshine today.

She finally had the money to spend her life in luxury for a day or two, but the god damn hotel didn't have any more rooms for the two idiots, and it came to this. They were shoved into her room.

Mai: Oh, how unfortunate that they couldn't practice cannibalism on her as well.

She growled angrily at the thought, and felt like tossing their belongings out the window.

Emi: We've just finished the third sentence... and I want to toss her out of the window.

Still she layed looking at the ceiling, still wearing her old ragged out clothes-- a red t-shirt and blue jeans. She placed her arms behind her fluffy pillow.

Truth is, that she was their friend.

Keiko: Am I being Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher or Justin Bieber here?

Hah, who would of thought, Cammy, having friends?

Emi: She must have bribed them. No way can somebody this disgusting in personality have friends with working brain cells.
Keiko: I would say Kusanagi, but he's just arrogant. And at least he cares... somewhat.

Especially two fools. But, they weren't all that bad.

Mai: I couldn't tell. After all, you've whined like a complete brat about them for the past few sentences.

The first one she acquaintanced with was a boy near her age, Ruby.

His name says it all. He has red eyes that showed big arrogance and self-pride.

Keiko: Oh, the irony.

He wore a black and red long-sleeved shirt he made himself, with matching black pants with a yellow stripe on the bottom. His dad bought him a rather espensive shoes made by the Devon Corporation, that allowed him to run for his freakin' glife.

Mai: His what? The heck's a "glife"?
Keiko: I don't know, but I hope that it's something that one of us can hang her with.

She smirked at the time when he told her he ran away from his dad, with the shoes. She found it amusing that his dad can be so dumb.

Emi: *rubs her forehead with her fingertips*
Keiko: I know it's short, but this garbage is turning into a multi-chapter whine and insult fest.

Ruby was also pretty girly. Too girly.

Mai: *plays a recording of Manic shouting "Grrrrl Powah!"*
Emi: *narrows her eyes at the screen* I don't like you, ma'am.

He was a neat freak, and would bitch about how dirty he would get with a speckle of dust on his shirt.

Keiko: *irritated* And you're bitching and moaning yourself! Shut! Up!

Okay, he wasn't that clean, but it was close. He would also share his cleaniness with his Pokemon. Finally, he wore a white hat-wig he also made himself (no suprise) to cover his hair.

Mai: At least she figured out that it was a hat.

Even though he never told her why, she assumed that it was because he didn't want his hair to dirty. Or maybe he was just bald.

Emi: No, it's a hat. Guess what else is underneath? Aside from his hair, he has scars that he had received from a Salamence when he saved Sapphire. But since you're such an evil brat, you'd probably laugh at him if he told you.

It freaked out Cammy out of how can someone act so much like their opposite sex.

Mai: Then explain Sapphire, you moronic waste of human flesh!
Keiko: Thank you, Shuma Gorath.

'What kind of guy sews?' She thought. 'What kind of guys look so damn gay?

Emi: And what kind of girls act so damn prejudiced?

Well, homosexuals of course, but Ruby looked like the kind of guy who seemed gay, but is not.' The times with her and Ruby proved it.

Keiko: And what kind of girls act so damn rude and close-minded? Well, sub-par human scum, of course, but Cammy looked like the kind of girl who was and is sub-par human scum.

Speaking of her. The name is Sapphire, she's quite the opposite of the oh-so-mighty Ruby.

Mai: Sapphire's a tomboy, yes. Which should also be wrong, you biased idiot with backwards logic.

She had crystal blue eyes that shown pride but not arrogance-- but a good heart.

Emi: Which Ruby also has, mind you. I can't speak for you, Cammy, since you don't have one.

She appeared to look like a 'barbarian' (Ruby usually says), with messy brown hair that hangs against her cheeks, sharp fangs and a fierce expression. She was pretty easy to piss off, just like Cammy herself.

Mai: Oh, wonderful... it's the "tough girl" mentality. Somebody please spike my water now.

Mainly with that bimbo Ruby around, there's was endless fights.

Emi: Ruby... a bimbo? Huh? He only likes one person! Sapphire! And they only bicker because Ruby skirts the issue!
Mai: We never said that the brat had brains. That sentence just confirmed it.

Some even had tears. Sapphire didn't seem like the girl to cry and easy to pick on, but Cammy had second thoughts on that.

Emi: I apologize... but I have this sudden urge to punch you in the face. Repeatedly.

It was quite weird thinking about them two. Cammy never really thought about people,

Keiko: As a matter of fact, she never really thought at all.

besides her dead parents

All: *groans in annoyance*

and Wally-- who she would prefer not to talk about at all.

All: Then why did you bring him up?!
Keiko: Bakamono! (Stupid person!)

She had most things in common with Sapphire-- they were both damn bitchy and hated people like Ruby.

Emi: Wrong! Sapphire is not "bitchy" like you are, and she doesn't hate Ruby! And do you know why? It's because she actually loves him! Now... if your tiny, biased mind tried to comprehend this, it would most likely explode due to all of the non-cliché information.

They also disapprove with Pokemon contests, whom Sapphire thinks they are girly while Cammy thinks they're plain boring.

Keiko: Somehow, I sense a problem with that sentence.
Emi: Sapphire does have a feminine side. It's not shown often. As a matter of fact, she mostly repressed that side after that Salamence incident. Same goes for Ruby and his "tough guy" side.
Keiko: I thought so.

But, Ruby did have some attributes that appealed her to be his friend.

Mai: What attributes? You complained about every quality that he had, you twit!

He had self-pride, and self-confidence which she has, but not so much that her ego was hard to pop.

Emi: I thought this was about Ruby and Sapphire. Why is everything about her? And why does she keep acting like she's better than them?
Mai: How funny. It looks like we found someone who is even worse than that Kathryn brat. I didn't know that was even possible.

She rolled her eyes of the thought Ruby teaching Cammy how to use proper manners. "Fuck manners", she says.

Keiko: And fuck you.
Emi: Keiko!
Keiko: Keep in mind that you haven't censored the hateful idiot who needs to be thrown in front of a moving bullet train, big sister.
Emi: Oh... okay. Carry on, then. My apologies.
Keiko: Thank you.

She disliked being dirty also, but doesn't go overboard.

Mai: *groans* Oh, shut up, you obnoxious brat!

Why she hangs out with them? Simple. She yearned companionship.

Keiko: And I'm Kusanagi's girlfriend.

Truth to be told, she was a lonely kid who only wanted to have a chance at having a childhood. She always prayed a death wish to Ruby when he complained about how his dad sucks.

Emi: *facepalms*
Keiko: *groans*
Mai: You... you prayed a death wish? What kind of heartless person are you?! And scratch that moving bullet train; you deserve to be Kazuya Mishima'd right now!

About how he would always annoy him. How he would always disapprove his dreams. 'Meh, that might be bad, but try living in a tree-house with no one but yourself to rely on, asshole.' She rolled her eyes again.

Keiko: And your problems outweigh his problems how? Seriously, you're not a friend at all. You really need some other selfish people to hang around with.
Emi: Oh, I hear that... *takes out a list and reads from it* Shyloh, Symphony Callestro, Piper Weiss, Diana Vilibert, Serenity Winter, Gadchet, Kathryn, Erin Meanley, Julia Austin, Primavera Verde, Joan/Erin, Sabrina, Kaori, Sapphra, Diane Oatis, Jill Smokler, Lenobia, and Julie Spira are all available. They're whiny, biased, selfish, hypocritical, or all of the above; maybe she can go talk to any of them.
Mai: *blinks* Uh... okay...
Keiko: That... was a long list. Where did you get all those names from?
Emi: *shifts her eyes as she puts the list away* Just references, really.

Plus she was poor, and only came to a hotel with the help of her good friend who lived far away from this crap loaded town.

All: Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, moan, complain, complain, complain... shut up, Cammy!

Cammy rolled to the side of her bed, yawning tiredly, gazing through the window. It was pouring outside, she smiled. She enjoyed the rain because it reminded her of how good it is to express your emotions.

Mai: You... hypocrite! You stupid hypocrite! I should stab you right now!

How, people will think.

Keiko: Unlike her, who thinks with her ass.

It just did. The rain showed pain and grief, ready to pour out people's souls. Screaming out of people's bloody minds to cry out their terrible thoughts, releasing it into the air, sharing the pain to others.

Keiko: Are we done with this "OMG SO ANGSTY" garbage yet? She is agitating the living daylights out of me with this nonsense.

Yeah, she was mean. She scoffed when people said that. It was better than lieing to the ones you love.

Emi: No, you're not mean... you're Satan's love child.
Mai: She's going to end up on Route 80 in New Jersey one day. Oh, and if she smells like gasoline... make sure that you have a source of fire with you.

Suddenly, her musings stopped.

Keiko: Thank god!
Emi: And those weren't "musings". Those were the insights of a blatant Hellspawn.

"Shit, Ruby and Sapphire are going to be back." She groaned while grimaced in fury. She stood up, and jumped out of her bed. She stepped toward a dark-brown desk and grabbed her bags. There was no way she was going to stay in a room with two morons, just no way.

Mai: You say that they are your friends, but you keep insulting them. *rubs her head in frustration* God, I hate you.

She thought to hesitate no further, but her body disagreed. She took slow steps to the door. She places her both hands on the door knob. She stared at her hands and wrists, that has spiked bracelots worn on.

Emi: What's a "bracelot"?
Keiko: I don't know, but I've been doing a lot of bracing. Why, I don't know.

She bit her lip, feeling incredibly stupid.

Keiko: *sarcastically* Sure, you've whined, pigeonholed others, and you've shown that you're a horribly unlikable and prejudiced brat! No, you're not incredibly stupid at all!

She had the urge to pull her reddish-brown hair off her scalp. Or maybe punch herself with those 'lil black spikeys.

Mai: Good. I'd actually cheer if she eliminated her horrid self from the face of the planet.
Keiko: And maybe we should get LeMaire or Kusanagi to burn the evidence, because we don't need any traces of that lying around.

She smirked and released the door knobs.

"Maybe those dumbos will shut up for once--" She found herself slammed against the wall, across from the door. Her back ached and was in a very uncomfortable position.

All: *clapping and cheering*
Emi: Hooray! She felt the pain that we had to go through!

"What the hell?!" She opened her eyes to see two soaked youngsters glaring each other. She brushed herself up, and retained her normal posture. She had her arms across her chest, standing high, gazing menacingly at those two who looked like they have made a great mistake. A very great mistake.

Keiko: No, here's the "very great mistake": Ruby and Sapphire somehow made friends with this twit. And they let her tag along and leech their life forces.

"Ack! I'm so sorry, Cammy!" Sapphire, on the right pleaded with her hands behind her head. She sheeplishly blushed.

Mai: Don't be, Sapphire. You gave her some well deserved pain.

Cammy shot a dirty look. She sighed, "It's okay--"

Emi: And then we have to hear another dreadful inner monologue from this horrible excuse for a person.

"God Sapphire, I didn't know you were such a klutz." Ruby, on the left scoffed and smirked playfully at the girl. She growled.

"I said, I was sorry!!" She practically screamed incredulously. Ruby and Cammy's ears were bleeding.

Mai: I'm surprised that the brat has a human function of bleeding, considering that she's been that monster from "The Exorcist" the whole time...

"No need to get--" Ruby started, but got his collar grabbed by the furious chick.

"Shut up! You damn started it, by pushing me into the door!" Sapphire shrieked with rage and smacked him right across the head, knocking his hat off. Ruby slid against the floor, and fell backwards.

"My god, what is your problem, woman?!"

All: *pointing at Cammy* Her.
Emi: The person who sent you two to the OOC character grave, yes. Sure, they bicker... but Sapphire doesn't act like an abusive monster to him.

'Yeah, I'm definetly leaving.' Cammy quickly clutched onto her bag, nearly tripping on the slippery water, but was luckily stopped by the door.

Keiko: Damn it, she didn't break her neck.

She tiredly sighed and left the disturbing room. What irritable people.

All: *agitated* Oh, my god! You're a hypocrite!

"Fuck hotels, treehouses are better."

End.

Mai: I certainly hope that Jessie and James end her soon.
*A loud explosion is suddenly heard afterward.*
Mai: *smirks* Beautiful.
Emi: Uh... how do they know about these issues so quickly?
Mai: Hey, they're hired to kill Sues. They just do it for the bounty.
Emi: Well... at least I can sleep easier tonight.
Keiko: *shrugs* Oh, well. Nothing of value was lost in that explosion, anyway.

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