Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 12: Sailor Moon and The New Scouts (Part Four)

--

ACT 13: NEGA-TOKYO

Amara and Serena were finally alone. "The Silver Millennium Crystal is all
mine, now let me give it a try, to see if the dark crystal within my heart
really works! " she smiled while striking the crystals superbly cut facets.
"Moon Healing Activation!"

The moon crystal released its healing power, but it had no effect on Amara
whatsoever. Then all of a sudden Serena awoke.

"Hey, give that back, Wicked Lady! It's your mother, Neo-Queen Serenity."

"I don't have a mother or father. Nice try.

Mai: But you boasted that you were Serena's daughter earlier. Excuse me?
Kyo K.: *facepalms* I hate all of these morons.

Oh by the way, my name is
Princess Amara. I'm a real princess, since Diamond placed a shard from the
Dark Crystal within my heart. I am reborn!

Sonic: And you lost your brain cells, too.

I'm happy here with my family
and prince from earth! I know your - oh, I mean my crystal can't cure me. I
think it time we visit Diamond. Don't you think?"

Kyo L.: No, I don't think so.

Amara accompanied Serena by using the Crystal to help Serena to her feet and
walk towards Diamond's throne room.

"Well hello my loves ... ah, Princess Serena, do you remember Tuxedo Mask,
immediately his image materialized within the Holographic projector at the
center of the chamber.

Sonic: ...where's the closing punctuation marks?

"Tuxedo Mask! What did you do to him? Let me go, Diamond and give me back my
crystal!" Serena demanded -- eyes ablaze.

Kyo K.: I'm sorry, what? You wanted details? Well, we don't have time for that garbage!
Mai: This fic doesn't have time for a coherent plot, either.

ACT 14: PLANET EARTH

"Who are you?" demanded Sailor Elusion.

Kyo L.: *bored* It took us two nonsense acts to get back to this? I don't even care who the mystery person is now.

"Well, it's about time you asked!" Answered the Strange figure that jumped
like a panther from the top of the ice-cream building landing lightly on her
feet.

Kyo L.: *bored* Now I really don't care now.

"It's another Sailor Scout, but who is she?" asked Sailor Jupiter shaking
her head.

Kyo K.: She's a damn showoff, that's what she is.

"I am Sailor Universe, your worst nightmare! " pointing a gloved hand
towards the Nega Scouts, "and you Nega-trash are going down in the name of
Sailor Galaxy, keeper of the Golden Gate, and holder of the Golden Key! So
in the name of Galaxy, I will destroy you!"

Mai: We waited two acts for this?
Sonic: You did, I didn't.
Mai: "Sonic" and "waiting" are usually not in the same sentence.

In a flash, Universe zoomed by Elusion and snatched Rei's power stick.

Kyo L.: *snickers*
Kyo K.: I was going to make a joke about it still being covered in dirt, but we have dirtier and dumber jokes at the moment.

"Hey! she sounds somewhat like Sailor Moon, but she couldn't be, she's too
smart and mature." Venus laughed, elated at the appearance of a new and
exciting ally.

Sonic: *flatly* Gee, thanks.
Mai: Some ally you are, Venus. I swear, does every fic in this blasted fandom have to insult the titular character?
Kyo L.: Every bad fic, yeah. Ask--
Kyo K.: I'm not asking that hack of a writer, Fox Clone. We're all familiar with his useless trash.

"Here catch Rei,

Sonic: Catch Rei? I thought she was already on solid ground.

you're going to need this to rescue Tuxedo Mask and
Princess Serena!" Universe declared as she threw Rei her power stick.

"Right " Rei struck her transformation pose and held up her power stick.
"Mars Star Power!" Sailor Mars stood in all her pyro glory, and any false
elusions that had been implanted in her mind were instantly erased.

Mai: Transforming is definitely a free action.

"Universe Galaxy Star Power!" Universe had at that moment undergone another
amazing transformation into a more powerful Sailor scout. "Oh, and by the
way, I'm the Immortality Goddess, Taracova!"

Mai: *flatly* What.
Kyo K.: *sighs, reads the notes* Oh, by the way, the pen name for this fic is under "Taracova Universa".
Sonic: Wait, what?!
Kyo L.: Great. It's a damn self-insert.
Mai: Can it be a self-insert if it's written by two people?
Kyo L.: Yes. If the names match up, it's a damn self-insert.

"Nice knowing you in advance!" Jupiter said smiling.

"Universe Fire Evolution!"

"No! The Goddess has arisen ... No! -- Ah!" screamed Tundra.

Sonic: We're not going to go into details about the attack?

"Tundra!" Elusion shrieked, pounding her fists into the ground. "You'll pay
for that. No one has ever succeeded in taking the life of a Nega-Scout!"
Elusion shouted defiantly.

Sonic: No? Okay, then.

"Oh she's not dead, I only knocked her out ... that's all. Now bring it on,
I can take all of you at the same time!" Universe invited, throwing down the
gauntlet.

Mai: *flatly* Oh, joy. It's time to watch a Sailor Sue defeat everyone with little effort.
Sonic: Can I switch? I don't want to look at this.
Kyo K.: Nope. We can't switch.

"Fine with me!" Elusion retorted. "Nega Aqua Elusion!"

"Ok here we go... Death Mortal Wish!" shouted Sailor Death.

Kyo L.: I have a death mortal wish my own self... *pulls out a cyanide capsule*
Mai: *smacks the capsule away* No. You will live and suffer like the rest of us.

Then the blue
and the black powers combined their forces and attacked Sailor Universe. The
result was a huge dust cloud. Once the air had cleared, Universe stood tall
without a single scratch.

Sonic: *makes a face*
Kyo K.: *halfheartedly waves his hands around* Yay.

"Wow! That was truly breathtaking. there's not a scratch on her!" Venus
said, her eyes wide with amazement and awe.

Mai: *grouchy* We know. Shut up.

"Come on, we have to tell Princess Amara and Prince Diamond what has
happened here!" Shouted Sailor Elusion, preparing for an emergency teleport.
Then the Nega-Scouts disappeared taking the unconscious body of Sailor
Tundra with them.

As soon as they had gone, Universe turned toward the remaining scouts, "I'm
sorry we had to meet like this, I was sent to earth to

Sonic: *as Universe* ...usurp you all.

help and reunite the
original five sailor scouts. Now follow me into the portal, we must go to
the moon and retrieve Sailor Mercury at once!"

"Yes, of course." They agreed .

Kyo K.: Oh, now you nitwits agree. You all were just accepting the fact that she was gonna lose her memories, now you're going along because a Mary Sue said so.
Kyo L.: Mary Sues love to knock over those IQ points.

"Universe Galaxy Crystal Portal!"

Suddenly, A vast aperture, pulsing with golden light swirled into view.

"Now, before we step through the portal, do not make a sound. If you do,
Galaxy will launch an attack under the assumption negative enemies are
crossing into our universe, this is why I am the only one to speak when we
arrive at the Golden Gate. Any Questions?

Mai: I have one. Why are you the only one who gets to speak?
Kyo L.: *as Universe* Because I'm a Mary Sue. Next question, peon?
Mai: Yes. Why won't you drop dead?
Kyo L.: Hey, that's my question, Mai.
Mai: You aren't the only one who gets to be a cynical jerk, Kyo.

"Yeah. What is the Golden Gate?" Mars asked tilting her head.

"The Golden Gate is the Entry point to one of the greatest and most powerful
cities within the entire universe!"

Sonic: Why are you yelling at them, lady?

"What city is it?" Jupiter asked, her curiosity piqued.

Kyo K.: The Golden Gate? Oh, we're going to San Francisco, then.

"It is simply called, Galaxy City -- Sailor Galaxy of course, is its queen.
I grew up there and love it dearly. So you see, this was why I gave my life
to the Immortality goddess, Kida in order to serve and protect Queen Galaxy
and, of course, her beautiful city!"

Sonic: Seriously, they're right in front of you, lady. Quit yelling at them.

"I thought we were going to Mercury?" Venus prodded, a puzzled expression
upon her face.

"I am, you're not, I'm dropping you off in Galaxy City ... please no more
questions until we arrive, okay?"

Mai: But... you said this... *reads* Now follow me into the portal, we must go to the moon and retrieve Sailor Mercury at once! *stops* Did you just forget what you said a moment ago?
Kyo L.: Even the Sue's dumb as fuck? *facepalms* I can't wait until we're done here. This fic's about to give me a headache.
Kyo K.: It's already giving me one.

ACT 15: NEGA-TOKYO

"I'm sorry, you're here now and you will be my queen! As for Tuxedo Mask, I
am giving him to Princess Amara as he's under my control. I shall also give
her the silver Millennium crystal. You certainly won't need it anymore after
today. For the Dark Crystal shall reside within you forever, meaning I'm
going to implant a piece of the dark crystal into your heart!" Diamond
Laughed.

Sonic: Seriously, why's everyone yelling? It's getting out of hand here.

"No you can't do that! Tuxedo Mask is Rini's father." Serena protested
vigorously.

"No he isn't, I am Rini's Father!" Diamond was interrupted mid-sentence.

Kyo L.: What the hell is this? Are we in a "Maury" segment?
Mai: I thought that Wicked Lady didn't want to be called Rini. And she's running around with the name of Amara.
Sonic: Yeah, this fic really is all over the place. Sonia's definitely not gonna like a single bit of this.
Kyo K.: She's going to be riffing with Beni, Glasses, and Spikes later. She's not going to be the only one who'll be yanking her hair out.

"Your Majesty. I'm sorry to intrude, but it is an emergency! Sailor Elusion
and the Nega Scouts are here with terrible news." The guard announced.

Kyo L.: Yeah, the fact that this fic's still going is terrible enough news.

"Tell them to come at once! Amara, take her down to the Dark Crystal chamber
and transfer all her negative energy into the crystal canister, and then
give her a massive Energy Boost until her royal circuits overload!" Ordered
Prince Diamond.

Kyo K.: I'm sorry, what?
Sonic: As long as it sounds dramatic, I guess.

"Yes your Majesty." Amara replied with a nod of the head .

After Amara left with Serena, the Nega Scouts entered the throne room.
"Stop! Sailor Elusion, you may step forward. Everyone else leave, including
the guards!" The room soon cleared, doors closing behind them. Diamond,
using his powers, locked the chamber.

"Now that we have a little privacy, what is the bad news, surely it is
something the Doom Phantom can handle!"

Mai: I could've sworn that he would just kill his own puppets first.

Elusion cleared her throat then spoke. "Your Majesty, we were on earth
engaged in a battle with the remaining Sailor Scouts. I did some research to
find out where the fourth remaining scout, Sailor Mercury might be located .
I discovered that she is on the moon, and no longer a Sailor Scout. But
now, she is an adviser to Princess Sensara."

"That's the bad news?"

Sonic: To us, yes.

"No, actually I was just getting to that part!"

"Well you'll have to tell me the whole story later, for right now, I must
attend to Serena!"

"But your Majesty, if I don't tell you now, it might just be too late!"
Elusion Yelled in frustration.

At that moment, the Doom Phantom emerged from the flagstone floor.

"You dare yell at the Prince!" shouted the Doom phantom.

Sonic: You're yelling, too!
Kyo K.: Everyone's got communication issues and they're screaming at each other? Sounds just like a crappy talk show.

"Well it's just that I have terrible news that can't wait until later!"

"Diamond, are you going to put up with this?"

Mai: But... she has news...

"No, I'm not,
guards!" Diamond released the doors and two guards entered the room.

"Yes your Majesty."

"Sailor Elusion, Power Down this instant, and hand over your power stick. I
hereby sentence you to life as one of Amara's chamber slaves! Guards ...
take her to your mistresses chamber and confine her until Amara returns!"

Kyo L.: Don't you need allies? Never mind...
Kyo K.: At this point, he deserves to lose. He's holding a very bad villain ball.

ACT 16: GOLDEN GATE

Universe and the Scouts continued their way through the portal until they
had arrived at the Golden Gate.

"Who are you?" a disembodied voice enquired.

"I am the Immortality goddess, Sailor Universe. And these are

Mai: *as Universe* ...useless peons.

three of the
five Sailor Scouts: Mars, Jupiter and Venus!"

Instantly the Gate opened and a tall slim woman in a golden gown waited at
the threshold that led to the castle.

Universe spoke in almost a whisper, "follow me, we must speak with Sailor
Galaxy!"

Sonic: That's not a whisper, lady.

"Is that Sailor Galaxy up ahead?" Mars probed.

"Yes it is, but you must refer to her as Queen Galaxy within the city."

Kyo K.: But you just called her Sailor Galaxy... you know what, that's too many rules. I'm out.
Kyo L.: That was one rule, man.
Kyo K.: Yeah, but it was also a stupid rule. And then she contradicted herself, so I'm out.

"So you've returned, with three of the remaining Scouts. I wanted all five
here! Tell me, where are their companions?" Galaxy scolded.

"Your Majesty, she is on the moon as Sensara's royal adviser. Serena was
captured. That is why I must leave at once!"

Mai: With that sentence, you've just implied that Serena was on the Moon. You've also implied that Sailor Mercury doesn't exist. Sentence structure is key here.
Kyo L.: A damn plot that makes sense would also be key.

The queen looked at Universe then spoke. "I shall arrange for the scouts to
stay in comfortable accommodations, but forget any plans to travel to the
moon right now. Firstly, you must go to the Nega-Moon and rescue Serena.
Otherwise it might just be too late for Serena!"

"I understand. I'm on my way!"

Kyo L.: Wait. Don't you need allies, too...?
Kyo K.: Wouldn't it be easier if Mars, Jupiter, and Venus went to the Moon while Sailor Sue went to the Nega-Moon? I know that I'm using my brain here, so that means that I'm wrong in Dumb Fic Land.
Mai: I love reading fics where the good guys and the bad guys are dumber than a bag of potatoes.
Sonic: Hey, potatoes are actually useful.

"Wait, don't go alone! Sailor Planet

Kyo L.: What a fucking stupid name. I'm serious.

and I shall accompany you; I had
already asked the scouts too look after the Golden City in our absence."
Universe nodded.

Mai: *sighs* We're going to kick the canon characters to the side so a bunch of Sailor Sues can just do all of the work and take all of the credit? *sarcastically* Great! Wonderful!
Sonic: Really? That's how this ends?
Kyo K.: Really.
Sonic: I think I'm getting a headache from this thing.
Kyo K.: Oh, no. You definitely have a headache.

--

Continue to Part Five
Go Back to Part Three
Go Back to Sequelitis Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page