Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 14: Sailor Moon and the Golden Key (Part One)

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Note 1: This is the third fic in the Riffer Gauntlet. It is the sequel to "Sailor Moon Protecting the Future". If you've missed a riffing or haven't started at all...

"Sailor Moon and the New Scouts" is here. (Fic 1; Five part riffing)
"Sailor Moon Protecting the Future" is here. (Fic 2; Three part riffing)

Note 2: The same mangled English dub names from "Sailor Moon Protecting the Future" apply here, too.

Warning: Jessie discusses something that Sonic and Mai didn't touch in the first fic: rape. (It's not discussed in explicit detail.)

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(Where we left off in Sailor Moon Protecting the Future.)

Manic: My sister lost her shit. That's what happened.
Emi: Are we doomed?
James: Yep! Enjoy the ride.
Jessie: *sighs* I'm not ready to deal with another bullshit Sailor Moon fic. Wasn't Benji getting Michiru pregnant enough torture?
James: Nope!

It has been only several days and Queen Galaxy felt like she would deliver any minute and she was right, the nurses and doctors rushed by her bedside they were sure that Princess Sensarity was on her way. It only took an hour for the delivery of Princess Sensarity. Galaxy told the others that she wanted too keep Sensarity from the world until she was old enough to take the throne.

Emi: What in the world is happening? Was there any mention of this Queen Galaxy being pregnant?
James: *reads Miyu's notes* Uh... about that... the last fic involved a pregnancy transfer.
Manic: *with a blank look* Huh?
James: Yeah, somebody named "Sensara" was pregnant for like a month, and someone named "Caranovia" transferred that lady's baby into Galaxy's body.
Manic: Lemme see those notes. *scratches his head* Wait a sec. How come the kid's named "Sensarity"... when she came out of Galaxy's body, and Sailor Crescent wants to take her and raise her as her own daughter? It also says that Sensara and Galaxy were apparently enemies, so why is the kid being named after her enemy?
Jessie: Okay, fuck it. *pops open a bottle of Bleepka, begins drinking*
Emi: You do know that the last group left us shot glasses...
Jessie: *stops drinking* They're too small. The bottle's bigger. *continues drinking*
Manic: No wonder Axl wanted to remove the shot glasses.

(Meanwhile)

“Ok. Now Renee Take the Golden Key from Sailor Moon, and raise it into the air and say Destiny Galaxy Star Power! Please do it now, my daughter must be released!” cried Sailor Universe. “What do you mean your daughter must be released?” asked Sailor Mars. “As plainly as I can put it, with the help of Sailor Mini Moon I can summon my daughter to help us stop Sailor Crescent once and for all!” answered Universe.

Emi: Weren't you the Sue who could Sue it all up?
Manic: Yep.

Renee took the Golden Key from Sailor Moon and said, “Well here goes. Destiny Galaxy Star Power!” So then Renee was lifted into the air and was transformed into Sailor Destiny. “Wow, she’s beautiful!” exclaimed Sailor Moon.

Jessie: *stops drinking* She's only beautiful when she becomes the Sue's daughter. Ugh.

“Who exactly is she?” asked Sailor Mercury.

James: The Sue's fuckin' daughter.

Before Universe could answer, a big pink cloud of smoke appeared. When the smoke cleared away, there stood a second Sailor Destiny. “What there is two?” asked Sailor Mars.

Emi: Yes.

“Well not exactly.

Emi: Uh... yes. The last fic said that she's the "upgraded" form of Mini Moon.
Manic: Dude, how mangled is this fic?
Emi: Ask your brother. I'm sure he was confused when he started.
Manic: Yeah, but Sonic said that she wasn't in the fic that he riffed, so I asked Sonia about it. She wasn't amused.

Everyone I would like you to meet Caranovia, Sailor Destiny, my daughter!” exclaimed Sailor Universe as she hugged Sailor Destiny.

Jessie: I don't wanna. Screw off.

The Sailor Scouts then noticed that Renee was herself again. “Look mom, Universe I have to go back, I have to help Queen Rosalina.” Said Destiny. “No, you will stay.

James: *sarcastically* Yeah, fuck the villagers!

Planet please go to Nakomia and help Queen Rosalina.” Commanded Sailor Universe. “Of Course. But then who will help you track down Sailor Crescent?” answered Sailor Planet. “Sailor Destiny and the others will, now go!” commanded Sailor Universe. “Ok. Good luck! Planet Nakomia Teleportation!” shouted Sailor Planet. So, then Planet teleported to the Planet of Nakomia.

Jessie: And then I stopped caring.
James: Like you wanted to care, Jess.

“Alright Sailor Star track down Sailor Crescent, we already know that she is some where in the orbit of Earth.” Commanded Universe. “Sure thing, I call upon the Powers of the stars show me where exactly Sailor Crescent is! Star Screen Search!

Manic: *reads Miyu's notes* Why do these Sailor Sues have redundant powers? They all have some form of "scan the planet" ability.
Jessie: That's what happens when your Sues have too many powers.

While Sailor Star was searching Earths orbit Sailor Moon asked Caranovia who her father is. “Caranovia who is your father?” asked Serena “Oh that’s an easy question, well Darien is.” Answered Caranovia.

Manic: And the stupidity shows itself.

“What! My Darien is in love with someone else how…”Serena started to cry before Universe interrupted her. “No, Sailor Moon it’s not like that at all.

Emi: ...yes, it is. Stop lying.

Everyone follow me into Galaxy’s conference room now that Sailor Star is finished so I can explain everything.” Said Sailor Universe. So then everyone followed Sailor Universe in to the conference room and took a seat so that Universe could explain. “Alright first thing’s first, the truth about Caranovia, me; Renee as well. Well I believe that you have figured out that Renee and my daughter are well… the same person.

All: *groans*
James: Not this shit again!
Emi: To the reading audience, it is definitely "again".

Sailor Destiny is the upgraded Version of Sailor Mini Moon. So Serena you may find this hard to believe but you and I the Immortal Goddess Taracovia are the same person!” exclaimed Sailor Universe.

Jessie: Why the fuck are you lying?
Emi: Miss Prower said it herself; Sailor Moon isn't a haughty braggart.

“What! You’re an Immortal Goddess?” asked Sailor Moon.

James: She kept wanking about how immortal she was!

“Yes, I am, After we destroyed the Nega Verse once and for all

Manic: *as the Sue* ...with a wave of my hand, if I might add...
Emi: Um... the Negaverse and the Nega Moon are two different things.

I decided to give my life to the Immortality Goddess Kida in order to Protect Queen Rosalina, whom is also known as Sailor Galaxy!” answered Sailor Universe.

Manic: Jeez, Sonic was right. You do yell too much.

“But that doesn’t explain how Darien is the father of Caranovia!” shouted Sailor Moon.

James: Sorry, Serena. The Sue had to cum all over her legs for a few minutes.
Jessie: *elbows James*

“Well the fact that Darien is the father is true, but he is only the father spiritually. Since you Sailor Moon will marry Darien in the future and since I am spiritually Sailor Moon, I have a somewhat bond with Darien, so thus I spiritually gave birth to my daughter Caranovia. Yes this means Caranovia and I both are Immortal Goddesses.” Explained Sailor Universe.

Emi: *confused* So... again, it's spirit sex.
Manic: That... that's stupid.
Jessie: This whole thing is stupid.

“If you protect Queen Rosalina, then who does Caranovia protect?” asked Sailor Mars. “Caranovia who do you protect?” asked Sailor Universe.

James: *annoyed* She heard the question the first time, you fuckin' scene stealer! Stop padding this shit out!

“I have decided to protect Renee, so this way the Nega Verse will no longer be able to capture her.

Manic: Wait, we were just told that the Negaverse was destroyed once and for all. You don't need to protect her from them now!
Emi: Again, it's supposed to be the Nega Moon.
Jessie: *facepalms* I'm so done with Sailor Moon fics. Damn talentless hacks can't write decent stories for shit.
Emi: Uh, this is only your third Sailor Moon fic, Miss Baxter.
Jessie: And I'm already tired of them.

Also since I am spiritually Renee, if she gets captured I can easily switch places with her and well take her place and break free from where ever she might be.” Replied Caranovia. “But how will you be able to switch places with me?” asked Sailor Mini Moon. “All you have to do is hold up your golden Key and say Destiny Immortal Power!” explained Caranovia.

James: Translation: It's a plot device key. Do all the work with little effort.

Then Renee’s little golden key floated up into the air and glowed all pink and then dropped around Renee’s neck. “Why did it glow?” asked Sailor Venus. “Because I transferred some Immortal power into it. So now as long as Renee doesn’t take off the Key then she won’t get sick, and you will also be able to summon me when ever you want. To do that hold the Key tightly and say Destiny Galaxy Star Power!” exclaimed Caranovia.

“Alright everyone now it is time to get down to serious business.

Jessie: Since when do you idiots ever put effort into anything?

Sailor Star please explain, to us what you have found from the search.” Commanded Sailor Universe. “Yes of course. From the screen search I found out that Sailor Crescent is on a star, in the orbit of Earth. This star’s name is Rindas~.” Said Sailor Star. “Do you think she is still there?” asked Sailor Destiny. “Yes, in matter of fact that is where she lives.” Answered Sailor Star.

Manic: Wait, she ran home? What a crummy villain.

“Alright everyone we will leave in the morning, each one of you may stay in a room that is in the east wing of the castle, you may not go beyond the west Wing (meaning they can’t go in the west wing).” Said Sailor Universe.

James: *slams his head on the table*
Emi: *bored* The Sue talks down to the canon characters. The Suethors talk down to the audience. I'm not surprised that they're one and the same.
Manic: *sarcastically* Can't wait to tell them that I went boom-boom in my diaper.

So then the sailor Scouts went up to there rooms and began to prepare for bed.

Manic: What's next, you're gonna give them their binkies and their bottles?

But Ray was curious for she remembers what happened between her and Darien,

James: Okay, what happened?
Jessie: It was in the first fic. Darien was brainwashed, then he seduced Raye into giving up her powers. I don't know why it wasn't brought up in the previous fic.
Manic: Probably because the Suethors remembered in this fic.

so she explores the castle hoping that she will find that he is in deed somewhere in the castle. Ray began walking down a corridor not noticing that she was heading in the direction of the west wing. Ray turned into a room where there was a huge bed covered in satin, silver sheets. “Wow! This room looks way better then my room.”

Emi: It's the Sue's room, isn't it? They always have to have better things than everyone else.

Ray went over to the bed and felt the bed spread. She then noticed there was a huge closet to her right. Ray opened the closet door and saw that it didn’t lead to a closet at all but instead it lead to another corridor. She then walked down that corridor until she reached a golden, green, pink, and silver door. It had a hand scanner on the side. She touched the scanner and it scanned her hand. It had approved and shown a green light telling her the door was unlocked.

Jessie: Holy shit, we're going to Wonderland!

So then she opened the door and to her surprise she Saw Sailor Universe standing along side a platform that held Darien. “I’ve been expecting you Ray!” said Sailor Universe. Ray walked closer and said, “Darien! What have you done to him?” “I did nothing to Darien. For he is only asleep. He was having an affair with Princess Sensara.

James: *raises a hand* Uh... he was brainwashed.
Jessie: Victim blaming is a hell of a shitty thing.

And then when we least expected it Sailor Crescent showed up, it was my duty that I made sure that he was safe, because if he dies Caranovia won’t know who I am, neither will she know you.

Manic: And that's a problem because...?
Emi: Because canon will be restored. That isn't allowed.

So after Galaxy put him to sleep, Planet teleported him here and this is where he has been ever since.

Manic: He's been asleep for a whole fic? Man, these fics really love to kick him aside.

I’m going to ask one thing Ray, do you really love him enough to start a small family, and hurt Serena’s heart?” asked Sailor Universe. “Well he told me that he doesn’t care about Serena anymore.” Replied Ray. “That’s not what I asked you, can you really hurt another Sailor Scout, mainly me?” asked Sailor Universe.

James: I'll hurt you.
Jessie: Me, too!
Emi: She mentions Serena, and then makes it all about her. What a narcissist. I don't care if she's supposed to be this "upgraded" version of Sailor Moon or whatever. She's a narcissist.

“Yes, I am deeply in love with him but I can’t hurt another fellow Sailor Scout.” Answered Ray.

Emi: Um, she stopped chasing Darien when she found out about Serena's past life. Why are we bringing up old wounds... oh. *reads Mai's notes* It looks like Sonic and Miss James already talked about that.
James: Alright, then I'll ask something that they didn't. They apparently did it while they were brainwashed, yeah?
Jessie: Let me be technical, then. They were both raped. Think about it. He was brainwashed, he brainwashed her, and then they did it. They weren't in their right minds.

“Then would you mind it if I erased the whole incident from Your and Darien’s mind’s?” asked Sailor Universe. “No, I wouldn’t mind………” started Ray.

Manic: Sure, just punish them by wiping their memories! Don't punish the folks that were responsible for brainwashing them in the first place!

In the background she heard some one calling her name. “Ray…Ray…” Someone said. Ray finally came into focus to find that Darien was trying to wake her. “Ray I found you unconscious outside your door. You must have fainted.” Said Darien. “Darien how did you get here?” asked Ray.

Manic: Didn't Sueniverse tell you a minute ago... oh, wait. *smacks his forehead* Wow, my mind's screwing up today.

“Sailor Planet brought me here, because I was in a lot of danger.

Jessie: I know that this fic loves to repeat stuff, but this is the only time we'll let it slide.

Look you better get some rest I have to go and check up on some things.” Said Darien. “Wait. Did you mean all those things you said when we were battling the Nega Scouts?” Ray asked. “I’m sorry Ray, but my heart belongs to Serena, you know all those things I was saying and doing were just elusions that Sailor Elusion put there. Now I have to go.” Replied Darien.

Emi: ...wait, "Elusion" wasn't a modified spelling? The Suethors actually couldn't spell "illusion"?!
Jessie: Suddenly, I'm not surprised.

“Ok, bye.” Said Ray. “Darien then left the room. Ray turned over and got some sleep.

In the morning Taracova called everyone together and said, “Now unfortunately last night we got news that a war has broken out on the planet Mars. We heard that some aliens from the star Rindas~, came to Mars and started raising havoc, so we need to split into two teams but first I want to introduce Queen Rosalina.”

Manic: *as the Sue* We have problems, but first, here's this other Sue.
James: Fuckin' hell, priorities aren't a thing, huh?

“Hello, everyone. I’m Queen Rosalina of Galaxy, also known as Sailor Galaxy. I hold the Golden Key, and I’m the keeper of the Golden Gate.

Jessie: We know. Move the hell on, lady.

Now for more Important matters.

Emi: *sarcastically* Yes, the invader problem clearly needed to take a backseat for more Mary Sue boasting.

I’m deciding what the two teams are, one team is going to Mars and the other is going to Rindas~.” Said Galaxy. “As soon as I call your name please stand in a group.

Manic: We're going on a field trip!

Team one is: Sailor Destiny, Sailor Moon, Sailor Universe, Sailor Star, and myself Sailor Galaxy. And team two is: Sailor Planet, Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Orbit, Sailor Mercury, and Sailor Venus. Now Sailor Mini Moon you are staying here, for you I have a special mission, you must guard the Golden City of Galaxy. Also Sailor Mars you are staying here because I heard from one of the guards that he had found you out side your door fainted.” Said Sailor Galaxy.

James: So... we're going to punt Sailor Mars to the side because Sailor Sueniverse wiped her memories and dumped her like she was a bag of trash.
Emi: I'm beginning to think that these Suethors don't like her very much.

“Sailor Sun I need you to find me more info about Rindas~.” Said Sailor Universe.

Jessie: Why the hell is that tilde there? Is it that important?
Manic: Apparently.

“But Queen Rosalina I must go to Mars, it’s my Kingdom!” exclaimed Ray.

Manic: Unfortunately, you're not a Mary Sue. See ya.

“Look Ray you are me in the future, and I don’t want anything to happen to you. If you die I will be no more.” Said Queen Rosalina.

Emi: Excuse me, you're letting Sailor Jupiter go, and Sailor Planet is supposed to be the future Jupiter. You're also letting Sailor Moon go, and Sueniverse is supposed to be the future Moon.
Jessie: How dare you use that pesky logic!

Team one was on their way to Rindas~. “Galaxy Time Travel Crystal Portal!” shouted Sailor Galaxy. Just then Team one arrived at Rindas~, and started searching the premises. “Alright I was told that there are two cities on Rindas~.” Said Sailor Star.

James: What were they, City One and City Two?

“Alright wait a minute there is a castle over there let’s start there, that is most likely where she’ll be.” Said Sailor Galaxy. So then the Sailor Scouts move toward the castle.

Manic: Might as well put up a big ol' billboard that says that she's there, too.

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Continue to Part Two
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