Mystery Science Theater En Masse
Egg Spiral Crew, Episode 10: Killing Time
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Note: This riffing contains an article and a letter:
-15 Weird Things Guys Do That Turn Us Off by Brooke Sager
-The infamous Taylor Lautner Fan Letter to Universal written by Kayla Patterson
(for this article, the missing pictures can be found by clicking
this link.)
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Manic: It will if you're an android.
John Gray had the right idea with his book title, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Don’t get us wrong, we’re not hating on the opposite sex,
Sonic: *coughyesyouarecough*
Amy: *snickers*
but let’s be honest—sometimes guys do weird, annoying and even gross things, which leave us wondering if guys and girls really do come from different planets.
Sonia: Hey, would you like to know a tip? Stop seducing those
poor high school boys.
Manic: *hits Sonia's arm*
Sonia: Ow! Manic!
Manic: That was below the belt, sis.
As much as we love men, here’s a list of fifteen strange things they do that really turn us off.
Amy: Number one is existing.
Sonic: What?
Amy: Think about it, Sonic. If guys didn't exist, we wouldn't have to
read these lists.
Sonic: Then you're forgetting the other thing... some women would write lists
complaining about other women. Or if women didn't exist, some guys would write
lists complaining about other guys.
Amy: Oh. Right.
Sonic: See, Ames? There's always a problem to deal with, and you can't
solve 'em all.
Read 5 Easy Places to Meet Guys Where You Were Already Going Anyway
Sonia: What the hell did that just say?
Amy: Um... go to wherever you usually go, and you'll find men?
Sonia: Guess I'm going on a stupid scavenger hunt after this riffing.
1. Tickling. Why is it that men find this entertaining and we think it’s annoying?
Sonic: I'm a man... sort of... and I don't find it entertaining.
Manic: Man, that's 'cause you won't touch a girl.
Sonic: Shut up.
Once you graduate fourth grade, tickling is no longer an acceptable form of flirting. Guys, if you’re trying to get a girl’s number, pinning her down and prodding her while she kicks and gasps for breath is not the way to go.
Manic: Besides, snatching her cell phone for her number's better.
Sonia: *turns to the audience* Readers, please don't listen to my
brother... unless you want to head to jail in a snap.
Buy her a drink or compliment her outfit—it will definitely yield better results.
Sonic: Don't spike the drink. And don't you dare whine about how the
outfit doesn't look good in your eyes, either. She didn't dress for you.
Amy: Heh.
2. Getting too drunk. No wayyy, you can funnel three beers in a row after taking two shots?! Guess what—we’re not impressed. And when you pass out on the couch at 10 p.m. drooling on yourself, don’t expect us to answer your texts tomorrow.
Amy: Besides, they were all drunken texts. How were we supposed to
reply to, "9h9 3idn8 j00 answe7."?
Sonic, Sonia, Manic: Huh?
Amy: Exactly.
3. Obsessively texting. Speaking of texting… we know this may sound crazy, but cell phones were originally created for making phone calls.
Sonia: Don't get pedantic.
Guys seriously need to re-learn how to dial our numbers and actually speak to us.
Manic: Oh, don't act all innocent. You ain't all clean.
Sonic: *texting* F. U.
Plus, “come ovr I wnt 2 c u” is just not what a girl wants popping up in her inbox.
Sonia: Well, it's okay if she's fifteen.
Amy: Hey, I'm fourteen, and I don't like that. Don't lump us all into a
box.
4. Guiding our hands to their package. Guys, if a girl’s hand isn’t on the zipper of your jeans, it’s not because she got lost and forgot her GPS.
Amy: *shifts eyes* Besides, we couldn't afford one.
She either hasn’t gotten there yet, or just plain doesn’t want to. Trust us, if we want to go there, we know where to find it.
Sonia: And guys, that hand drawn map of your... everything isn't needed, either. Thanks.
5. Talking too dirty. Yes, we know that most (OK, probably all) guys watch porn.
Manic: No, it's most.
Sonic: *sarcastically* Maybe I should assume that most (I mean, probably all) women
complain about everything that men do. Oh, wait... I just did!
But if we’ve only been on two dates, I don’t want you to “**** my **** while we ****,” thanks. Last time I checked, my name wasn’t Sasha Grey!
Amy: Jeez, that sounded like a bad gangsta rap video, too!
Manic: Please, even Sasha Grey would probably be turned off by that.
6. Comparing us to their ex. Oh, your ex used to make you waffles instead of pancakes in the morning, you say?
Sonia: Then why doesn't he get back with her? Just asking.
Hello, that’s so offensive and disrespectful! While he may think of this as just commentary, we’re thinking, “Well if you liked her waffles so much, then why aren’t you still with her?”
Sonia: Oh. Guess I wasn't alone in that thought.
7. Flatulating. Um, ew. Excuse you.
Sonic: Oh, don't act like you've never passed gas, lady.
Last time I checked, women didn't crap rainbows.
Manic: Yes they did! Remember Serenity and that giant ass... I mean... Kathryn?
Sonic: I wish I didn't remember.
8. P.D.A.
Sonia: Seriously, how out of date are these writers? Almost nobody
uses a P.D.A. anymore!
Sonic: No, sis... "Public Displays of Affection", remember?
Sonia: Oh. Oops.
Think back to the very first thing you learned in kindergarten: keep your hands to yourself!
Amy: Now head to the club and find out how many people truly can follow that rule.
Of course, behind closed doors is a completely different story, but a girl doesn’t want a guy’s hand on her ass while she stands on line at the movies.
Manic: *rubbing an imaginary sore spot on his cheek* Yeah, I learned
that the hard way.
Sonic: Oh, cut it out. You never did that.
Most of us gals daydream about being swept off our feet by Prince Charming,
Sonic: Read: Not Edward Cullen.
but a sloppy make-out session on the corner of a busy street is not what we had in mind. It’s awkward for all parties involved – including the old lady stuck behind us watching.
Manic: Sounds more like a bad solicitation session.
9. Acting “Too cool for school.” When a guy writes “I don’t read” under his Favorite Books section on Facebook, it doesn’t make us think he’s funny or cool. It makes him sound stupid, and girls like intelligent guys.
Sonia: Well, most of us, actually.
We’d much rather hear about the film festival he went to last week,
Sonic: Boring!
Manic: So... you want him to be cultured in everything? Won't
you get a better chance at a man by building one or something?
Sonia: No. It'll still malfunction. It won't be her fault, it's just that
it'll break.
not about how he ran from the cops two years ago.
Amy: But hey, at least he got national exposure!
Sonia: I'd rather date a certain teen superstar. A pretentious brat's a
lot better than a felon, I guess.
10. Cursing. Our virgin ears!
Sonic: You're probably no saint in that department, either.
Guys, save the four letter words for when you’re ready to say “love”— and save the f-bombs for the frat house.
Manic: *rolls his eyes* Somebody's sounding a little desperate, huh?
Sonic: That's what happens when you have expectations that are higher
than the stratosphere.
Read "We Will Quit Sexting": 25 Dating and Love Resolutions for the Ladies in 2011
Sonia: Number One: Leave him. Number Two: Leave him. Number Three...
11. Bad hygiene. We stuff our feet in stilettos and put on makeup to go out with them.
Amy: Who's this "we" here? Not all of us like that stuff.
Sonia: And if a guy's telling you that you're required to wear heels and
makeup, well... leave him.
The least guys can do is clean themselves up! (And no, dousing yourself with a bottle of Aqua de Gio is not considered showering.)
Manic: *rolls his eyes* Because all guys don't shower. Lady, quit stuffing us in holes and boxes! We aren't all alike!
Kissing us with onion breath is just not sexy, and neither is drawing blood with your long, jagged toenails while we hook up.
Sonic: The hell are you dating? That's not a man, that's a troll under a bridge!
12. Driving with the seat reclined really far back. Cruising down the highway and naptime are definitely not the same thing – while he’s trying to look all macho and cool, we’re trying to figure out how he can see over the steering wheel.
Sonia: And if his spine's misaligned... seriously, you can blame him.
13. Video games. We’re still in the dark over why guys derive so much pleasure from gluing their eyes to a TV screen and blowing up virtual villains with a controller.
Manic: Shooting games does not equal all video games, lady. Seriously, you need to educate yourself and stop being a jerk about everything.
And why do they invite us over if they’re just going to ignore us and play Grand Theft Auto all night?
Sonic: I have a sudden urge to throw paper balls or something at this writer now.
We’d rather stay home and watch Gossip Girl.
Sonia: There we go with the "we" crap again. We all don't like dramas.
14. Going too over-the-top. Hey, we’re all for creative first dates, but when a guy gets a bit too exotic with his restaurant choice or date idea the first time around, it makes it seem like he’s trying too hard. It’s not like we’ll dig him more if he takes us out for quail—chicken parm is just fine.
Amy: And then they complain if they go too cheap.
Manic: I swear, some guys and ladies love those mixed messages.
15. Grunting at the gym. It’s second nature for us gals to look over at a sexy guy, especially one with rippling biceps doing sets with heavy barbells at the gym.
Sonia: *giggling at a picture that she's holding*
Manic: *snatches the picture from Sonia's hands*
Sonia: Wait, Manic! Don't--
Manic: You have a picture of Kyo Kusanagi liftin' weights? Dude, you're
freakin' creepy!
Sonia: That's Emi's!
Manic: Hah! Yeah, and I'm a Rhodes scholar!
But seriously, what’s with the unnecessary grunting?! If we wanted to hear strange gorilla-like noises, we’d go to the zoo… or the Jersey Shore.
Sonic: Then why the hell are you looking for love at the gym? Of course they're gonna grunt when they're liftin' heavy crap!
Tell us: What else do guys do that turns you off?
Amy: Well, there was a story of that one guy that I liked... but then
he picked his nose, and then he stuck the finger that he used to sort out some
loaves of bread at this table that I shared with him--
Manic: You know what... I'm not listening to any more stories from you,
Amy.
Brooke Sager is BettyConfidential’s editorial intern.
Sonic:
Intern? No wonder we got a half-assed list.
Sonia: Sonic!
Sonic: What? It's on the Internet. I can critique this thing if I want
to.
To whom this may concern:
Manic: Your car has been towed...
This movie was a complete waste
Sonic: Of what?!
and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself.
Amy: Hey, don't lump them all in the same group. Remember, some of them have brains.
For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon.
Sonia:
*tries to headdesk, but breaks the coffee table with her head instead*
Sonic, Amy: *cringes*
Manic: Man, I told you we shouldn't have shopped at IKEA!
It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog.
Sonic: And the books didn't wreck vampire and werewolf lore up the butt with a cactus. Yeah, sure.
I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies.
Manic: That wasn't "awesomeness", that was... awful. And ooh, big scary Jacob
fell in love with a baby in the fourth "book"!
Amy: Actually, that was scary... and creepy. I wanted to take a shower with
bleach after I read that.
That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a "were wolf". I don't see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did.
Sonic: Yes, and they're so ashamed for getting an illogical letter. I don't think they're hearing you over their millions of dollars.
If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it.
Sonia: *as Kayla* And if I wrote this letter, I would be ashamed to admit that I sent it.
How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet?
Amy: *facepalms*
Manic: Somebody seriously needs to read some werewolf stories.
Sonic: This is a Twi-hard. I highly doubt that they even read anything
before or after those craptastic "books".
Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is "supposed" to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak.
All: That's a werewolf, you idiot!
If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn't come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.
Amy: The transformation was made from computer graphics and effects.
Of course he'll look fake, mutated, and cheap!
Manic: She must really be smoking some strong weed to write that stuff
willingly.
Sonia: *dialing a number on her cell phone*
Sonic: Um... who're you calling, sis?
Sonia: Shush for a sec. Oh, hello, I'm Sonia. Yes, I'm Jessie's friend...
yes, I'm that pink hedgehog with the keyboard necklace. Listen, could
you do me a favor? I'd like you to find this girl known as "Kayla Patterson" and see if you can scare some
logic into her empty head. Oh, you will? Thanks. Bye now.
Sonic: And who was that?
Sonia: Jessie's friend, James.
Sonic: *is speechless*
Amy: *eyes widening* Good heavens, are you nuts?! He's got
grenades!
Sonia: I know.
Amy: Next thing you know, he'll bring Kyo... LeMaire!
Sonia: He will.
Amy: *sputters* You people!
You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn't even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner!
Sonia: Um, would you like to finish that sentence... properly?
Manic: So... his name's "With Taylor"? I think that's kinda what I'm
getting here.
Sonic: Well, at least it can wave something in both movies' faces...
a friggin' Academy Award.
Amy: It was in the "Best Makeup" category, Sonic.
Sonic: It's still a damn Oscar.
Get that this is MY oppinion
Sonia: "Opinion" is spelled wrong, hun. Get a spell checker, will you?
and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw
that your email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i
thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!
Manic: Is she saying that Taylor Lautner sucks, too?
Sonic: Who knows? She was talking out of her ass the whole time.
The Poser of who could never be even if they tried : " Aka : Rabid poser
Werewolf "The Wolf Man"
Amy: Or the "rabid poser" fangirl who's going to get laughed at in the not too distant future...
OR My favorite: Taylor Daniel Lautner aka Jacob Black
Sonia: Yes, and your biased opinion counts for so much. Thanks for
making the sane Twilight fans perform a collective headdesking.
Sonic: That's only if you don't count our newly wrecked coffee table that
you tried to headdesk on, sis.
TEAM JACOB- cuz hes a REAL WEREWOLVE!
Manic: Yep, Ron White was right... you can't fix stupid.
Regards:
Sonic: Complete nutcase.
Sonia: Okay, that's enough of the below the belt hitting.
Kayla Patterson (kayla----@-----.com) Feel free to reply
Manic: *whistles* Well, at least my IQ's still intact. That's pretty
good.
Amy: And if only she could read the reactions to her letter...
Sonic: Actually, that would require some reading comprehension. And I
don't think that she can do that.
Sonia: Sonic!
Sonic: Okay, I'm sorry!
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