Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Egg Spiral Crew, Episode 17: The Ultimate Pokemon Master (Part Two)

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2. Intense intelligence?

Sonia: Intense annoyance.

Disclaimer: Pokemon or any trademarks affliated with it do not belong to me.

It was a day later. Our hero was striding up the street of Cerulean City catching the admiring glance of everyone in the town. His hair was now bright red and arrayed in spikes above his head.

Manic: I thought that spiked and dyed hair was bad. Man, Cassy and Axl are gonna strangle you for being a hypocrite.
Sonic: I'm definitely thinking that this is a parody fic.
Amy: Didn't stop Sonia from punching him twice.
Sonic: Guess the fic did it well... or too well.

In lieu of wearing some obscure band t-shirt he wore one of his own, the single most popular artist ever in the land.

Manic: What, was he like the lead singer or something dumb?

In his last bestselling album he played three hundred and twenty six separate instruments in all and did multiple vocal harmonies with himself.

Manic: Oh, frig. Dude, you're not Beck. Quit that.
Amy: Destiny? Is that you?
Sonic: You didn't read that fic.
Amy: I, um... Akiko stole one of my pies. I found out that she was riffing that fic with Miyu when I went to get it.

To make sure he was never wearing the same clothes as anyone else (a perpetual hazard when you are such a popular performer) he had designed a series a clothes especially for himself.

Sonia: If you're more vain than I am, or if you're more vain than Benimaru is... stop. For all that is holy, please stop.
Sonic: He ain't gonna stop, sis.

The motif on the t-shirt displayed himself atop a great cliff, dressed completely in white with a sunbeam from heaven shining directly down.

Manic: And it showed him jerking off.
Amy: Manic! Ten!
Manic: Ten years old with an ego at a million.

There was also a large red arrow which pointed at the picture and then up at his face to make sure everyone realised who he was. However in order not to get mobbed too much, he wore large black sunglasses just to show people that he was trying to act like a normal, talent less, humdrum person today. He also wore a pair of white Pikachu fur cord pants, which were still spotless despite having to march through Mt Moon.

Sonia: "Normal". "Humdrum". He's humble. And I'm Warren Buffett.
Sonic: *shakes Sonia's hand* How do you save up all that money?

As he had entered the mountain he had noticed some men in black running out the other side in fright but he hadn't thought much about it.

Amy: Since when do you even think, you human butt boil?

Many men were scared to be around him in case they felt themselves attracted to him. He understood the feeling himself- sometimes when he stared in the mirror for one of his long musings he wondered why he was so attractive.

All: *rolls their eyes*
Sonic: Oh, brother. Please be a parody...

The day before he had easily earned his Boulder badge after only a couple of hours strolling through the woods.

Sonia: Remember when that happened offscreen?

After his Clefairy had played basketball with Brock's Geodude (a move which had truly impressed the rock gym leader) he got his Raichu to tie Brock's Onix into a complicated knot before surfing it all the way through Pewter City and back. In all it had been a distressingly simple match to win but then he had known that it would be so.

All: *confused*
Amy: What is this hot garbage?
Manic: I have no idea.

It was his destiny to become the Ultimate Pokemon Master wasn't it?

Sonia: You're the ultimate pain in my ass right now, so there's a start.

Brock had wanted to follow him on his journey. Indeed he had begun a long speech about Pokemon breeding but this had started our hero down another train of thought entirely. However he had been kind enough to untie Brock's Pokemon before giving him some tips on training and on breeding. Unfortunately by the fourth hour of his speech Brock's Pokemon had attempted to flee from their master and try and join our hero's team.

Sonic: I don't care if this is a parody now. This fic's already starting to eat at my brain.
Amy: I guess it's doing its job correctly.

The same thing had happened when he had entered Mt Moon. All the Clefairy had begged him to train them as well (another power which his mythical necklace had given him was the ability to understand and communicate with all Pokemon). However after he had constructed a space rocket out of the rock and some of his chest hair, they

Manic: ...ran off in horror.

agreed to start an inter space travelling mission. As our hero had said at the time "Once I have conquered the Earth, space would need a good cleanup!"

Sonia: We'd be much better off if he launches his useless ass into the Sun.

This line was written along the outside of the rocket and several times inside to make sure it sunk in properly. He had sent his own Clefable (which had evolved without the use of moon stone)

Amy: *twitches*
Manic: I, uh... whoo, boy.

to guide the space mission as after only one night with him it had become the most intelligent, wise and generally nice Clefable ever.

Sonic: With someone like Stu, I'm not believing that one bit.

It was at this point though, that three girls tumbled out of the door of the Cerulean City Gym and into our hero, who quickly sidestepped as soon as he saw that they were weeping. "Oh no it's terrible"
"Utterly horrible"

All: You mean this fic? You mean Stu?

"What does she think she is? A boy"

All: *sarcastically* Hooray for sexism!

"Ladies, ladies" our hero murmured in a calming and seductive baritone "what seems to be the problem?"

All: You're the problem!
Amy: I think we're losing it and turning into a giant blob of angry hedgehogs. I think that was Mr. Kusanagi's nightmare.
Sonia: Everything is his nightmare when you think about it.

As he knew, the effect of his voice and one look at his disturbingly handsome, sturdy frame immediately recovered the girls.

Sonic: I rolled my eyes so hard that I ended up looking into Manic's brain.
Manic: Those're some super X-ray eyes, bro.

In an amazing whirl of movement they had wiped their faces, straightened their clothes ( in at least one case also pulling up a skirt) brushed their hair so that it fell down in a beautiful cascade and arrayed themselves in various contemplative positions on the wall. Each of the three had different hair colours- one was blue, one was pink and one was blond but other than this each of the three looked pretty similar. They must be sisters, our hero thought, again displaying his amazing powers of deduction.

Sonia: ...I'm going to start beating you now. I don't know when I'll stop.

After a couple of seconds silence one of them suddenly turned to him with a friendly smile said "Oh hallo. I didn't see you there. Have you just arrived?" Our hero arched a fine, perfect eyebrow at her. He generally did this every so often as he liked the facial expression. It was one of a dozen or so that he would practice routinely in a mirror. It gave off an air of mystery and intelligence. Unfortunately due to his large pair of sunglasses none of the sister's noticed the move.

Manic: So... what was the point of even mentioning it?
Sonia: To annoy the audience with useless padding and self-wanking.
Sonic: Speaking about that... where are the wank puddles?
Amy: They aren't showing up. They don't even know if this is real or not.

"Perhaps I have and haven't" he replied giving her a wink for good measure.

Sonia: Yes or no, you smug asshole?
Manic: Probably a "no". I mean, he's done everything and bragged about it.

Instantly heat gushed into her face and she had to look away while her two sisters glared frostily at her. He then smiled at the other two, which they both instantly replied before turning a bright crimson. "Is there anything I can help you lovely ladies with"

Sonia: You can leave.
Amy: Yeah. That'll help us.

All three were so embarrassed by this point that they were struck silent. After a frantic round of nudging and elbowing, the blond one finally spoke up. They had all instantly decided that this was someone they could trust.

Manic: I'd rather trust a three dollar bill instead of this guy.

He gave off such a palpable sense of courage, decency and he was so amazingly attractive they decided that he must be a good guy and as such someone who could be trusted with their innermost secrets.

Sonia: *makes gagging noises*
Sonic: He'd probably put their nude photos online without their consent and he'd still be the "protagonist".

"Well you see" she started hesitatingly "me and my sisters Violet and Lily have a bit of a problem.
"Its all like to do with our gym…." interrupted Violet "And like our stupid brat sister…." Lily began.

Amy: Well, at least the sisters are in character... somewhat.
Sonia: They would fawn over guys, actually. But not to that extent.

The three of them then droned on for a while about some crisis affecting their gym. It was all about money problems or something.

Manic: And because it wasn't all about him and his chest hair...

Our hero tuned out after a couple of seconds, though still keeping a concerned expression on his face. He wasn't really used to long conversations which weren't mainly about him. The three kept interrupting each other to tell him about some new disaster or problem, not leaving him any real chance to butt in.

Manic: ...that happened.

He began sticking his well defined chest out towards them, hoping that they would look at the picture and realise who he was. Perhaps if he started to sign snapshots…..

Sonic: Eww, no. What're you trying to make them do? Vomit?
Sonia: I'm already vomiting out of my eyes, Sonic.
Sonic: Oh, I know that -- wait, what?
Manic: *hands Sonia a shirt that says "I Hate Everything"* Enjoy. I got one for the Kyos, too.
Amy: Aww, no shirt for Mai or James?
Manic: Oh. Whoops. I'll deal with that later.

"And that's the problem. How can we possibly do a show before tomorrow which will draw in hundreds of people? Especially with that stupid brat refusing to let the gym be used for anything but stupid Pokemon battles"
"Interesting problem girls.

Amy: They're older than you, you jerk.
Sonic: I'm starting to think that a story about pocket lint would be better than this.

It sounds like the kind of problem that could only be solved by an internationally renowned pop artist with 30 number ones to his name" he declared sticking out his chest proudly.

Manic: I'm just waiting for fireworks to shoot out of his nipples now.

"But where would we find someone like that now?" Our hero coughed modestly at this point but the three girls didn't seem to notice and just continued to stare helplessly down at him. "I mean would it not be lucky if the most inspirational musician in the last 300 years happened to just stroll by?"

Sonia: Mozart? But he's dead.

At this the girls started to look about to see if anyone famous was nearby.

Amy: Bach?
Manic: Beethoven?
Sonic: Britney Spears? Beyoncé?
Amy: I'm not gonna snark on that.

Sighing our hero lowered his shades slightly. "Wouldn't it be great if the Master of all music, the King and Queen of pop,

Amy: Michael and Janet Jackson are coming?

and rock and roll god,

Manic: David Bowie?

(whose latest album aims to wipe out depression and gloom from some of the saddest areas in the world and is available in all good music stores) happened to be in Cerulean city today"

Sonic: Bill Gates makes music, too? I thought he was trying to get rid of malaria!

Unfortunately the three girls still looked mystified though they were certainly hanging on his every word (our hero's speech has that habit unfortunately).

Sonia: I know how to handle that. *gets a stapler out*
Amy: Sonia! That's horrible! *gets out a glue gun*
Manic: No. Cruel. Just mean. *gets out a hammer and nails*

With one movement he tore off his shades and turned his head to the golden sunshine, striking a manly stance. For the next couple of minutes there was a collection of squeals, screams and dead faints as the three girls reacted to his awesome presence.

Sonic: And the vomiting from four hedgehogs happened right after that.

After handing round a series of photos of him in different manly positions and expressions (such as with his foot resting on the head of a dead Arcanine,

Amy: Excuse me?
Sonia: Oh. Right. You trained one when you had your game.
Amy: It's also one of the editor's favorite Pokémon. We are not amused.
Manic: Who's doing big game hunting at ten? Also, isn't poaching heavily frowned upon in that world?
Sonic: It's Stu, so it's okay. Bleh.

winking back at the camera, or walking through a rainstorm with his shirt completely unbuttoned)

Manic: *as the Stu* Did I mention how attractive I was yet?!

he managed to return the girls to a sort of calm. "Oh please won't you help us? If only you could play here tonight we would be sure to get the money needed for our next shopping trip"
With a smile our hero reached inside his pocket and removed three tickets. "It's all already arranged. The vans with the musical equipment should arrive in a couple of hours. All four thousand tickets sold in a matter of hours. But here I happen to have three front row tickets…." With a squeal all three sisters snatched their tickets and pressed them close to their chests. However after a couple seconds pause the blue haired sister stared curiously at him (despite the three sisters introducing themselves he had instantly forgotten their names. He often did this with girls- with looks like his who needed to remember names? )

Sonic: You'll remember when those ladies come to you with kids in their arms once you get older, squirt.
Amy: Did you lose your nice gloves, Sonic?
Sonic: I don't know. I just know that I'm sort of tired.

and asked in a questioning manner "Like how did you know to plan out the whole gig and print out like tickets and stuff?
He smiled back mysteriously at her "It was my destiny to play at this concert"

Manic: *groans* Oh, shut the hell up.
Sonia: It's your destiny to be annoyed, Manic.

But the blond sister had suddenly realised something. "There's still Misty. She refuses to let this gym be used for anything but Pokemon training and gym battles"
"Don't worry; I'll convince your sister that this gig must take place. It is my destiny to become the Ultimate Pokemon Master after all"
With that inspiring comment he strode into the gym.

Amy: And then a Gyarados yanked him into the nearest tank and drowned him. It was his destiny, after all. The End.

It was about half an hour later that he walked out into the large pool arena where the gym battles took place to a round of applause from the stands. Word had quickly spread that he was facing Misty and a large crowd had gathered in the rostrums.

Sonic: Uh, we weren't told that. I could've sworn that it was just gonna be a concert.
Sonia: It's your destiny to have your memory questioned.

A gasp ran through the large group of spectators as they saw that he was only clad with a tight pair of red Speedos that had a picture of his face on the front and back. His body was extremely well tanned and the light sheen of water across his chest highlighted how particularly well built he was. From his six-pack up to his bulging abs he was the perfect example of a man despite only being 10 years old.

Manic: Huh. So that's what badfic bile tastes like.
Amy: I... this is like if Tails got buffed up.
Sonic: Don't mention that in front of him. He doesn't want to talk about that.
Amy: Oops. I forgot.

Across from the pool from him Misty couldn't help gasping too. He was just so extraordinarily handsome it was hard to credit.

Sonia: *annoyed* Oh, my god, shut up, fic.

Shaking her head she tried to focus herself. This was a gym match and she couldn't let him win.

All: *bored* But it'll be his destiny to win.
Manic: Seriously, what's the point of the rest of this crap when we already know what's gonna happen?

Both of them walked to either side of a large swimming pool. In front of each trainer was a small floating platform and there was a third directly in the centre of the pool.
"Shall we begin?" our hero asked smiling confidently.

Sonia: No. Go to Hell.

"As the official gym leader for the Cerulean Gym I hereby announce that I battle will commence. Lets us begin. Go Staryu!" shouted Misty as she released her small starfish like Pokemon directly into the water so that it quickly became only a blur.

Amy: And this is the part where I'm going to tune out. How about you three?
Sonic, Sonia, Manic: Yep.
Amy: Okay. *sets up a tea tray and places shortbread cookies on a plate* Let's begin.

"Go Ditto" our hero said with another smile playing across his face. The small pink jelly Pokemon appeared on the platform in front of him. "Misty I want you to ask yourself: what are water Pokemon particularly vulnerable to"

Sonia: Why the fuck are you mansplaining Water Pokémon to a fucking Water Pokémon Gym Leader, you fucking little anal splooge?!
Sonic: So much for the calm tea and cookies stuff.

The gym leader's eyes suddenly widened. "No, not"
"Electricity," he replied and the audience gasped as they suddenly realised that this was true.

All: *with dunce caps on their heads*
Manic: *sighs in frustration*
Amy: *dismantles her dunce cap and folds it into a paper crane* Try that, Stu.
Sonic: He'll probably one-up you and build a flipping amusement park with that one piece of paper.

"Ditto transform into a toaster!"

Before their eyes and with a loud pop the Ditto was replaced by a purple stainless steel toaster. On the sheer metal surface two black eyes stared across at Misty who suddenly burst out with laughter. "A toaster? I fail to see how that will defeat my Staryu. It's all the way down at the bottom of the pool"
"Don't you know Misty," our hero replied again showing off his pearly whites "that water conducts electricity!" (This is a true fact)

Sonia: Yes, it is. Now go fist yourself in the ass.
Manic: *spits out his tea*
Sonic: You're getting a thing for butts today, sis. New kink?
Sonia: Shut it, Sonic.
Sonic: *unfazed* Heh.
Amy: Um... a toaster needs to be plugged in. This doesn't make any sense.
Sonic: It's a Stu fic, Ames. Logic doesn't exist. *as he takes a cookie* Please let this be a parody.

"What?!" the gym leader cried with alarm. Never before in all the countless hours of gym battles all fought primarily in this very same pool, had she ever heard this. If it was true then that meant.
"Jump into the pool Ditto!" As soon as the pink toaster sunk bellow into the water there was a loud sparking noise and sharp flashes of electricity shot out from the Ditto in all directions instantly frying the Staryu. It floated back to surface and Misty was forced to recall it with a look of disbelief etched into her face. She had never lost a Pokemon so quickly before. She stared across at the impressive figure of our hero who was busy flexing his impressive arm muscles. Darn it, she thought, he's not only gorgeous and talented but intelligent as well.

Manic: And condescending.
Amy: I'm sorry, but if I wanted to see someone flex their muscles, I'd set up another meeting with Mr. Antonov.
Sonic: I dunno. After the last meeting, I remember that a certain leader of the Neo Esaka wanted to roll over and die.

"Shocking wasn't it?"

Sonic: Benimaru's going to slap the smug out of your face in a second, kid.

The crowds in the grandstands who had been applauding him, suddenly all fell about laughing at our hero's amazing wit.

All: *pours a shot of bourbon into their tea*

He's also funny, Misty thought as she clutched her sides. Is there any thing about him which isn't perfect?

All: *angrily chugs their tea*

After a couple of minutes though something struck her and she looked across at him with a question in her eyes. "Wait a second. Your Ditto wasn't plugged into the mains- how did it send electricity out? And wouldn't that blow a fuse in the toaster? Your Ditto wasn't hurt at all by that move. And can toasters jump"

Manic: You're using logic, lady. That's wrong. Stop it.

"Its all pretty simple really" replied our hero with another dazzling smile "but it's only something which a true Pokemon master knows how to do"

Sonia: A true master knows how to piss off the audience without any logical explanation.
Sonic: You're easily pissed. *shrugs* Who can blame ya?

There was silence for a while as everyone pondered this, before Misty remembered that she was meant to be having a match. Expanding the second Pokeball at her waist she released her Starmie. "You may have found my Staryu easy enough, but my Starmie is tough"
"I doubt that" our hero replied.

Amy: Don't make me beat you into a pulp with my hammer.

"Lets see how you deal with my Ryhorn" On the small floating platform in front of our hero appeared the giant armour plated monster.
"A ha" Misty spoke with a smirk "this will be easy. Don't you know rock Pokemon are weakest in water?

Amy: It's Ground/Rock. And everyone knows that it's a quadruple weakness to Water and Grass. But what do I know, it's probably that Rhyhorn that'll evolve into the swimming Rhydon or some other garbage.
Sonic: *taps Tails's device* Well... Rhyhorn can learn Thunderbolt and Thunder via TM, so... it's not that terrible.
Sonia: It's a Stu fic. It's going to be terrible.

You may have had the type advantage before but I'll get you now. Starmie knock that great brute from the platform!" The purple marked starfish shot forward and hit into the side of the platform as hard as it could, making it slide out from beneath the giant beast and shoot up into the air.
"Ha ha…" Misty started before stopping. The Ryhorn was still floating above the water slightly. It looked completely unconcerned that its support had disappeared from underneath it.

Manic: It's a Rhyhorn with Miyu's psychic abilities.

"Ryhorn fly up into the air!" The entire arena gasped as the giant grey creature leapt lightly upwards zooming up to the ceiling of the gym.

All: *flatly* What.

"Wha..how did you.." Misty started to splutter before our hero quickly replied. "I knew that it was my destiny to teach the first Ryhorn how to fly. It's a pretty simple technique.

Amy: I hate fanfics.

Now Ryhorn use Vine whip to grab that Starmie!"

Sonic: It can't learn that.
Manic: It's his destiny to Action Replay his Rhyhorn up.

Green vines shot out from the side of the rock Pokemon and into the water where they grabbed hold of the shocked water Pokemon. As they lifted it clear of the water the Starmie tried to struggle but it was helpless in the Ryhorn's vines. "Now Ryhorn, use Ice beam to finish it!"

Sonia: ...Starmie is resistant to Ice Beam, dumbass.

The Ryhorn opened its wide jaws and then shot out the beam of ice directly at the Starmie. In a couple of seconds it was frozen and Misty was forced to recall it.

Sonia: *rolls her eyes* Of course it freezes it. Of course.
Manic: It's his destiny to be the Random Number God.

She looked down as she removed a Cascade badge from a bag on her hip. Normally she felt annoyed or depressed when she lost but today she actually felt glad. He was not only the best trainer she had ever met, but even in the couple of minute which she had known him, she knew he was also the best overall person she had ever met before.

Amy: I think my brain just barfed.
Sonic: Poor little brain cells can't take the Gary Stu stuff.

As she day dreamed there was suddenly a large gurgling sound and as she looked up she saw that our hero had dived to the bottom of the pool and pulled up the plug letting all the water drain away. In shock she stamped over to the side of the pool to look down at him.
"What do you mean by getting rid of all the water? What are all my water Pokemon going to do"

Manic: *as the Stu* Who cares, it's all about me, sweet cheeks! Here, you can watch them dry up and shrivel away.
Sonia: Maybe he and Sasha can get together so they can find out who's the most selfish and sociopathic.

"Relax, they can watch me perform down there tonight. I have got special front row seats for them" he replied giving her a dazzling smile. A red flush rose up Misty's face but she stuck to her guns. "There is no way my gym is going to be used for a silly concert"

Amy: Sorry, his chest hair begs to differ.

Opening his soft violet orbs our hero stared up straight into Misty's eyes and raised his eyebrows questionably. She wavered for a couple of seconds before breaking. "Okay, okay you can use my gym"
"Thanks big M. Now if you wouldn't mind I am a little hungry, so would you go off and cook us up a meal?"

Manic: Sexism overload!
Sonia, Amy: *grumbling as they pour another cup of tea*

With a smile our hero turned and climbed out of the pool and lay down on a deckchair. Misty looked shocked for a second and then drifted dreamily off toward the kitchen.

Sonia: And then she snapped out of it and beat him to death with a Soda Pop bottle. The End.

That night there was almost a riot as people tried to push in to attend the concert. All fighting suddenly stopped however when our hero's dulcet tones started to waver through the building. People

Sonic: ...went back to their senses and continued their riot because they hated the Stu for doing that.
Manic: And thanks to the lame ass security, he went home.

stared transfixed, apologised to mortal enemies, proposed marriage, became great and good people after years of evil deeds, all the normal consequences in fact of attending a concert with our hero.

All: *flatly* What.
Sonia: This better be a parody fic.

Dressed in tight leather pants and a tight white t-shirt which barely stretched across his heavily developed chest and a black leather jacket with 'Bad boy?' studded across the back

Sonic: This just in: Nobody cares.

he had the crowd completely in thrall as he swaggered about on stage. Whither he simultaneously played, drums, bass and lead guitar, the viola and the piano or even more impressively the French horn, trumpet and the flute while singing,

Amy: Does he have eighty arms?!
Sonic: Now I'm convinced that it's a parody. And it's a darn good one.
Manic: Pissed us all off real good, too.

the crowd never stopped screaming (or alternatively singing along when he played a slow number). After the second hour of enraptured cheers and applause our hero felt his job was done and he took to the sky on his flying Ryhorn to the sound of great weeping from the people of Cerulean as they watched him go.

Manic: I don't... what?!
Amy: This isn't Kirby flying on a Warp Star. What is this?!
Sonic: It's... whatever this is.

Thanks guys for all the reviews so far. Just a small minor point: the lead character in this story is male

All: Dur-hay.

so thanks anyway to all those who suggested I call him Mary but it wouldn't be right. I will let him remain nameless for the moment. Now if you wouldn't mind I do have a target of 200 new reviews before the next chapter so get cracking.

All: *blinks*
Sonia: Two... hundred?
Sonic: *stamps "Parody" on his sheet* Darn good parody.
Manic: Uh, just in case... we're gonna have to call that Anti-Mary Sue and Gary Stu Gallery. They're probably gonna need to quarantine him.
Sonia: And we're probably going to need to be disinfected. That Stu was a bit too effective on us.
Sonic: Maybe we did riff too many fics. Yikes.

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