Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Egg Spiral Crew, Episode 7: Why Men Cheat in the Summer

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Sonic: Also during the warm weather months, stereotypical ladies are more likely to write stupid articles like these.
Sonia: Why is the last part of that sentence bolded? She makes it sounds like they're all going to do the dirty deed behind all women's backs.

Here's what to look out for.

Amy: Like a letter stating that he's leaving you.

By Victoria Lucia

Sonia: Sporking. By the Egg Spiral Crew.

We hate to interrupt all the fun you are having at barbecues and pool parties these days, but there's some surprising news you need to know about:

Manic: Charlie Sheen's on the loose again! Lock up your doors and windows, ladies! And hide that cocaine!
Sonic: A wild Charlie Sheen Appeared! Go! Amy!
Sonia: What will Amy do?
Amy: ...run...?
Sonic: Can't escape!

Summer is cheat season — the time of year when people are most likely to sneak around on their partners.

Sonia: I'd hate to see what would happen if the setting was on a caribbean island.

And though chicks do their fair share of cheating, guys are more prone to being summertime two-timers because they're more likely to stray in general, says New York City therapist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of the forthcoming Love in 90 Days.

Manic: But hey, cheating women probably aren't as needy, clingy, or horny as cheating men, says some lady of some book that we're never going to read.

Related: When It's Time to Tame a Flirty Friend

Sonic: With whips and chains.
Sonia: Sonic...

Of course, we're not saying that your man is definitely gonna step out on you by Labor Day.

All: Sure, you aren't.

But it's a good idea to read the info below so you get a handle on why it may happen, plus the tip-offs that can tell you if more than his eyes have been wandering.

Sonia: Translation: Your guy's a cheating dork, even though he probably was fully faithful in this and any previous relationships.

Amy: Reason Number One: You're probably treating them like pond scum.

Remember when you were a kid and summer meant no school, freedom, and fun?

Sonic: Yeah, until those stupid "Back-To-School" sales kept popping up in our faces...
Manic: Yeah, at the end of June, no less.

Well, that attitude carries over into adulthood, leaving us with the sense that during these months, the usual rules don't apply.

Manic: I guess STD's have a chance to take a summer vacay, too!
Amy: Oh, that's a low riff, Manic.

"Some men take this to mean that it's okay to cheat once the hot weather rolls around," explains Daniel Kruger, PhD, evolutionary psychologist at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor. "They think, Oh, it's just a summer fling, as if normal couple behavior is on hiatus."

Sonia: Then why didn't the guy sign up for "The Bachelorette"? There's a bad summer fling right there.

That same outlook also makes people associate the summer with adventure. "Now is the time when you're more apt to try something new, and any novelty increases your body's production of dopamine, which triggers the release of testosterone — two chemicals associated with energy, elation, and sex," explains Helen Fisher, PhD, author of Why We Love.

Amy: Keep in mind that nothing was said about estrogen.

Translation: A guy may seek sexually charged situations and could give in if tempted.

Sonic: Translation: All dudes suck. Be a lesbian, says the blue dude.
Manic: The green dude's finding that thought a little hot.
Sonia, Amy: The pink chicks stare at the blue and green dudes.

Related: Guys Confess: Why I Cheated

Manic: Because her sister was hotter.
Amy: *snickers*

People are also simply way more social in the summer. Balmy weather puts us in a happier, more gregarious frame of mind, drawing us together via lots of social events — like outdoor dining, backyard parties, and group trips to the beach.

Amy: And then a bunch of thunderstorms came, ruining the heck out of all of the moods.

"With more people in a friendly, even flirty, mood coming out to socialize, there's a larger market of women to mingle with and, thus, increased chances for a man to be unfaithful," says Kruger.

Sonia: But hey, we can get off scot-free, ladies! Start cheating!
Manic: Seriously, don't cheat. Cheaters suck.

And let's not forget the obvious: When the temperature goes up, clothes come off.

Sonic: *raises a hand* Excuse me, I have a question. What about nudists and hedgehogs like me?
Sonia: Really, Sonic?
Sonic: Finding loopholes can be fun, sis. Amy does that all the time.

Since guys are so easily turned on by all the female skin they see poking out of sundresses, tank tops, and short shorts on the street and at work, they're in a constant state of heightened desire. As a result, it may be easier for them to succumb to lust should an opportunity arise.

Amy: Take note that this only applies to guys that have no sense of imagination and watch porn morning, noon, and night.

Signs Your Guy May Dog Around on You

Manic: Because they've probably been taking advice from "Bachelor Pad" or "Tool Academy".

Watch out if he doesn't invite you to a work event that other coworkers' partners are attending, like an office picnic or rooftop drinks. "Not inviting you implies that he doesn't want his coworkers to know he has a girlfriend so he can flirt with someone else," says Kirschner.

Sonic: Or maybe he has dumb standards about his lady's appearance or she is extremely rude to people. There's other possibilities, lady.

Related: The Truth Behind Why Men Cheat

Also, though it's normal for guys to check out other women for a second or two, even if you're right there with him, be concerned if he's taking "more than a quick glance in front of you. It's a sign he isn't concerned with appearing faithful and may be open to playing around," says Kirschner.

Manic: Or maybe he's trying to watch something on the giant TV in the bar. Do you seriously think that we're all cheating a-holes who deserve a first class whipping on "Maury", ma'am?

Another red flag is if he tells you that he wants to use his summer vacation to take a guys-only trip and doesn't set aside any time off to spend with you. True, he could really just want to hang out at the beach with his buddies. But he could also want to mess around out of town, where he's less likely to be caught.

Amy: This also gives him the perfect chance to fake his death in case the girlfriend's too controlling.

And take note if he's suddenly paying way more attention to his body.

Sonic: Because we all shouldn't have self-esteem. Thanks for the put down.

Because of the heat and sun, his torso will likely be exposed when he's out socializing.

Sonia: And when a woman shows off her stomach?
Amy: *sarcastically* No, that's because she's showing off that self-esteem.

If he gets obsessive about waxing his back hair or lifting weights at the gym, his MO may be to attract other women, says Kirschner.

Manic: I'm guessing that this lady's had a lot of bad relationships and is trying to make other women feel as miserable as she is.
Sonia: *shifts eyes* Doctor Kathryn Kirschner.
Sonic, Amy: *shudders*

Related: The Body Language of Liars

Amy: Are the liars all men? Just an educated guess.

Should you notice any of these tip-offs, it's a good idea to ask him if everything is all right and if he's happy in the relationship.

Sonia: If you're following this article, there is a 100% chance that he will say "no".

He won't necessarily fess up, but it may give him the chance to admit that he's been feeling restless or bored.

Manic: Jeez, what if we don't like talking about personal crap? You going to call us the sons of Satan, too?

Sonic: And the corresponding how-to for guys: How to get your ass away from that controlling, paranoid woman.
Sonia: Can this also work for a woman who wants to get away from her paranoid man?
Sonic: Sure!

True, you can't totally cheat-proof things. Damn.

Manic: And it's also true that this article isn't totally riff proof.
Sonia: Look, we're already nannying lazy parenting skills. I don't want to nanny lazy relationship skills, too.

But you can at least reduce the number of opportunities your guy has to play around on you.

Amy: The solution is to go and worship Lorena Bobbitt in front of him.
Sonic, Manic: *shudders*

One way to do this is to plan lots of summer activities for you two only — such as a playful afternoon-swim ritual at a lake or a private happy hour on your deck. "If he's spending a lot of time with you, he won't be able to catch the eye of other females," explains Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs.

Amy: In other words, cut him off from the outside world.
Sonia: Ladies, stop treating your guy like he's a prison inmate! This isn't "Twilight" in reverse here!

And of course, keep your sex life on high boil.

Sonic: Jeez, is everything about sex? *sarcastically* I guess we'll have to buy buttloads of Häagen Dazs pints for them, too!
Sonia: *hands Sonic a few dollars* Actually, one pint's enough for me. Butter Pecan, please. Thank you.
Sonic: *looks at Sonia* Really, sis? You could get some yourself.
Sonia: You can certainly make it to the store and back a lot faster than I can.
Sonic: Heh, that's true.

Luckily, summer presents tons of ways to be creative in this department. Ask him to go on a secluded bike ride with you, then make a pit stop on an empty stretch of road, and do the deed in the woods nearby.

Manic: And then the bears will come and eat you.

Or whip out Cosmo's Aqua Kama Sutra, and experiment with a few underwater maneuvers at the beach.

Amy: And then you'll drown afterwards.
Sonia: E. Coli and Hepatitis A are so sexy!
Manic: Eww! That's actually at the beach?!
Sonia: If you do it wrong, yeah.
Sonic: I don't care how hot it is. I'm not doing anything like that in or near the water!

"Mixing things up will leave him, and you too, satisfied and fulfilled and much less likely to wonder if he's been missing anything with other women," says Kirshenbaum.

Manic: Of course; his lungs would be full of salt water or he'd be eaten by a grizzly bear! He ain't going to be thinking about nothing else when he's dead!

Related: 4 Signs He's Hiding Something

Sonic: He's a drag queen. Guess the first thing that he's hiding.
Sonia: Sonic...

Ultimately, however, your guy has to dig you enough to resist all the temptations that summer throws his way.

Amy: Or you can plot to destroy the sun.

If he doesn't and you find out he did stray, you may have to ditch him.

Sonic: In an actual ditch... with an actual shovel.
Manic: Yes, you too can get away with murder if you're hot enough!

HE STRAYED, NOW WHAT?

Sonia: The first thing you can do is to let go of that shift key.

Should you forgive him...or dump him? These questions will help you sort through the issue and decide.

Sonic: Screw the politics, let's put him on "Maury"!
Manic: Guilty until proven guilty!

Was it a onetime thing or something more?

Amy: If the answer's the latter, then you're a real idiot. I'm sorry.

Don't forget that, either way, your guy was still unfaithful and disrespected your bond. But it may be harder to put it behind you if it was an ongoing hookup or relationship rather than a one-night stand.

Manic: Even worse? You've discovered it on Jerry Springer's show.

Did he have sex with her or just mess around?

Sonia: Who said that the person was a she? Hmm?

A make-out session at a party is potentially more forgivable than getting naked with another chick or having full-on sex.

Sonic: How about this? She lost her bikini while I was trying to save her from drowning. Eh? Eh?

Related: He Cheated. Experts Advise: Do You Take Him Back?

Manic, Amy: Yes.
Sonic, Sonia: No.
All: Maybe.

Had you guys agreed to be exclusive?

Amy: If you didn't, don't be surprised if he strayed.

Unless you talked about being a monogamous couple — or you'd been together a long time and monogamy was truly implied — he may not have even realized he was cheating.

Sonic: Or maybe you both failed at laying out the relationship terms. Ever thought of that?

Does he understand how big a deal it was?

Manic: *sarcastically* Eh, they have legs like chickens. No big deal.

You need to be absolutely sure that he gets how much pain he's caused. A casual sorry doesn't mean much, but if you sense that he's legitimately devastated when he sees how hurt you are, it shows that he at least empathizes with what you're going through.

Sonia: *sarcastically* If he doesn't, then slap him hard. Why? Because women can get away with spousal abuse, you know.

Is he willing to make things right?

Sonic, Manic: Yes.
Sonia, Amy: No.
All: Maybe.

It says a lot if he confirms that it'll never happen again, he doesn't want to lose you, and he will do anything to regain your trust.

Sonia: Heard that before. Broken record syndrome.

But if he plays down his cheating or doesn't want to discuss it, that's a bad sign.

Manic: So why'd you date him in the first place? Just asking.

Has the relationship been good otherwise?
If you really have fun together, feel that he respects you, and believe that he is a good person who made a mistake, then it may be worth forgiving him.

Sonic: And then you find that huge pair of undies that don't belong to you.

If there have always been problems, however, or you have suspected him of deceiving you before, consider moving on.

Amy: Wait, I get to leave him if I think that he's cheating? How illogical is that?
Manic: Most of the article was illogical, anyway. So there.

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