Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Black Crow Crew, Episode 7: All Men Apparently Suck

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Note: This riffing contains two articles:

-20 Reasons a Best Friend is Better Than a Boyfriend by Erin Meanley
-3 Ways Men Piss Women Off ... Without Even Realizing It by Julia Austin

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Believe it: a true friend is way more valuable than a boyfriend.

Cassy: Unless she talks behind your back, Naruto.

The same is true when you’re 20 as when you’re 80.

Jessie: It's only true if she doesn't steal that guy that you've been dating for three years.
Kyo: Bitter, Jess?
Jessie: Maybe.
Kyo, Cassy: Mm-hmm!

So while some of you may be scrambling to meet a guy or working overtime to make a relationship happen, just remember that your best friend is for life.

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* I didn't know that I was reading an article inspired by a horrible Lifetime movie here.

The guys will come and go—and they'll cause a lot of drama in between.

Cassy: *sarcastically* But remember! Us females will never be shady!
Jessie: Somebody's forgotten their middle and high school years, huh?

In case you need a reminder, I’ve listed 20 reasons a BFF is more important than a BF:

Kyo: Why do I need a reminder, huh? Do I need to be reminded on how my gender's apparently worse than an STD?

Related: 15 Healthy Snacks Under 150 Calories

Miyu: Pseudo-example: One of those little crackers with peanut butter. Sure, the peanut butter may stick to the roof of your mouth for a bit, but you won't feel like eating.
Kyo, Jessie, Cassy: *stares at Miyu*
Miyu: What? I say one mildly snarky thing, and I'm stared down. Maybe I've been around you guys for far too long.

1. A best friend doesn’t care if you haven’t shaved your legs or painted your nails today.

Jessie: That's until you go to the club and you look like a bear's third cousin.

2. A best friend doesn’t make you watch boxing on TV.

Kyo: People still watch that? I thought it was all about the Mixed Martial Arts now.

3. A best friend is equally as literate in The Bachelor and DWTS as you are.

Cassy: Then my best friend is boring as hell.
Miyu: Look, I only watch it because we don't have cable installed yet, Cassidy.
Kyo: And I'm only watching that because it's easy to riff. You should join in sometime, Kitty.
Cassy: No, thanks.

4. A best friend doesn’t booty call you.

Jessie: Mine does.
Kyo, Miyu, Cassy: *stares at Jessie*
Jessie: What?
Kyo: That's... pretty hot, Jess.
Miyu, Jessie: Shut up, Kyo.

5. A best friend isn’t concerned whether you’re Julia Child or not.

Miyu: Until she chokes on that hidden fish bone in that "tilapia" that you made...

6. You won’t have to diet to meet your best friend’s mom.

Cassy: *sarcastically* Yeah, you can actually eat solid foods now!

7. A best friend doesn’t talk about marriage just because s/he thinks it’s what you want to hear.

Kyo: If you're watching crappy romantic comedies, then yeah, that's what we'll think! We aren't psychic like Miyu is, lady!

8. A best friend doesn’t spook at the word “baby.”

Jessie: Yes, because all women want kids. Is this a list co-written by Meyer here?

9. A best friend understands your issues about bangs, periods, bitchy bosses, push-up bras, straightening irons, and driving in heels, because she has the same issues.

Cassy: The issue? You both need to wear some baggy clothes or something.
Miyu: *adjusts her skirt* Hey, there's nothing wrong with feminine stuff. It's just not fun when you're forcing yourself to like it.

Related: Spring 2011’s Most Wearable Fashion Trends

Miyu: As long as the fashions have nothing to do with my species, I think I'm good to go.

10. A best friend can listen to a complaint because that’s how we communicate.

Kyo: So basically... you're saying that your whining counts as communication. No wonder I hate this list.

11. When all the men have left, your best friend will still be there.

Jessie: Yes, she'll be drunk and dancing with a pole.
Cassy: Which is why we've poured out the alcohol and removed the pole in your room.
Jessie: Very funny, Morgan.

12. If a best friend puts his/her career ahead of you for even one night, you can tell the person to snap out of it, and s/he’ll agree with you.

Miyu: So... you want to whine and demand attention? Okay, then.
Kyo: I'd hate to see what happens when the person's jobless and homeless after attending to an attention whore.

13. None of your best friend’s Facebook friends will make you jealous.

Cassy: Until the discovery that Lady Gaga's her best bud emerges.

14. A best friend always puts the toilet seat down.

Jessie: Oh, we're sorry that Princess Whines-A-Lot can't put down the damn toilet seat herself.

15. A best friend will not only wait for you to get ready—she’ll help you get ready.

Miyu: Is this list written with the help of a toddler? You're too lazy to even dress yourself?

16. You never have to suck in your stomach for a best friend.

Kyo: Besides, your best friend won't revive you after you fainted from holding it in for too damn long.

17. A best friend is fine with you wearing a dress that looks like a tent.

Cassy: And then a few people actually mistake it for a tent, and then they decide to camp in there for a miserable night.

18. A best friend carries spare feminine products on her person at all times.

Miyu: Well, that is helpful, but... she is not supposed to be a walking pharmacy!
Kyo: Good. Now your best friend can remove the bloody tampon of fail that I've been reading here.
Miyu: Kyo!

19. On vacation, a best friend can work on her tan for nine straight hours, just like you can.

Jessie: And then you'll end up nursing that bad sunburn in your hotel room for the rest of your vacation.

20. When you’re in the mood for chocolate, your best friend is also in the mood for chocolate.

Cassy: God! If I wanted to have a mindless drone for a bestie, I'd frickin' clone myself, dude!

Okay, now it’s your turn! Why is your bestie better than a boyfriend?

Jessie: Well, I technically have no lady bestie, and I don't have a boyfriend. Therefore, I'm an invalid in this question.
Miyu: *hugs Cassy and Kyo* Oh, come on! I can't favor one over the other!
Cassy: *gagging* That's nice, Miyu. I think you're choking us.
Miyu: *lets go* Whoops. Sorry.

Kyo: Maybe if you just freaking tell us, then yes!

We women are communicative beings.

Cassy: "We"? I'm not that chatty in public.

We LOVE book clubs.

Miyu: Well, I certainly don't.
Cassy: But you love to read, dude.
Miyu: I prefer to read on my own time, Cassidy.

We make up the majority of the audience at talk shows.

Kyo: Which is why we guys stay far away from some of you kooky banana women.

We write articles like this one.

Jessie: *as Austin* We also like to ruin every woman's chances for a second date with said articles.

The point is, we like to dissect every word, behavior and look.

Cassy: Translation? Nag constantly about trivial crap.

That’s why when women fight, we require an hour and a few cups of tea (spiked or not) to work out our problems.

Jessie: There we go with the "we" crap again. That's like saying that all guys chug beer to chill out.

Men usually just need time, and sometimes that time only adds up to a few minutes.

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* At least they're not as jerkish as you.

Women need complete explication. And men often fail to give us that...

Cassy: Stop right there! How the hell would they know that if you don't tell them?!

So, just to make things clear, and perhaps thus heading off a few fights, here are three things that most men do, having no idea it will drive their ladies crazy....

Kyo: I have one: Listening to your crappy advice.

1. You’re A Man Of Few Words
I once asked a boyfriend if I could invite our friends to dinner. While popping a zit and never turning from the mirror he said “no.” And that was it. And I was pissed. Let me explain:

Miyu: No, let me explain... did you ever think of asking why?
Cassy: No, it's more like this... he's a prick for doing that, and she's an idiot for not asking why. Yeah, I think that they're both in the wrong here.

Women want to feel like you care where we are coming from.

Jessie: Figuratively or literally? Please let it be the former.

We want you to be inside of our heads.

Kyo: Ask a certain Kusanagi member about that stuff, and then come back to us.

I know, we ask a lot.

Cassy: Try "too damn much".

When my boyfriend answered “no” this is where my mind went:

Miyu: To the mental institution.

“does he not like those friends? Is he attracted to the other girl and it makes it weird for him? Are those friends dead and he just doesn’t want to tell me!?” (Just kidding about that last one—we’re not that crazy)

All: Yeah, sure you aren't!

You know women over think things;

Cassy: Yeah... over-thinking isn't my thing.

so just ease our ever-buzzing minds and provide an explanation.

Kyo: Man, I'm stumped; if we don't say anything, you'll be pissed. If we do say something... you'll still be pissed. What the hell?

If you’re going to cancel on us, or make a decision regarding our plans,

Cassy: ...which were technically her plans...

or scoot over one inch on the couch … we want to know why. It shows us that you care.

Kyo: I have to give you an explanation for moving over on the couch? You're crazy, lady.
Miyu: I have a question. What if the guy can't speak at all from laryngitis or something else?
Jessie: *sarcastically* He's still a scumbag.

2. She Feels Like Your Last Resort...

Cassy: My last resort involves me clawing my copy of this article up and throwing it away.

You’ve had a long week at work. You’ve had projects running late every night. You FINALLY have a free moment and you can’t wait to see your girlfriend, so you call her. Well guess what? Maybe she’s busy! Maybe she’s got a life of her own! Maybe she made other plans, a-hole!

Miyu: Yes, he's the a-hole because she never gave him a bloody message!

She actually was probably waiting by the phone this entire week and if you would have picked it up just ONCE to tell her how nuts your week was and to notify her of when you’d finally be free, you wouldn’t get the reaction from her that you just got from me.It’s easy to make a woman feel like your plaything and that you only fit her in when it is convenient for you.

Cassy: He was too goddamned busy to call you! Why're you making him look like the bad guy, dude?!
Jessie: Yes, because her life should only be tied to a phone, waiting for her man. Are you suffering from some self-esteem issues here, Bella?
Kyo: Guess what my next message is? It states that you're crazy, and I'm leaving you! Peace out!
Miyu: They all can't be psychic like me, ma'am. If everyone had my abilities, we wouldn't have communication problems.

If you take a few moments to figure out what time during the week you’ll have to see her and ask her ahead of time to reserve that day for you, it will show that you really care to guarantee you get to see her. Even though you know you really want to see her as you call her up at 11 o’clock at night to see if you can come over … that doesn’t exactly scream “you’re high on my priority list” to her.

Miyu: What the heck? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to dechiper that paragraph!
Cassy: I think she's treating the relationship like an appointment here.

Do us a favor, keep a calendar or something.

Miyu: ...
Cassy: See, dude? Told you.
Kyo: Do us sane guys a favor, and take that giant California Redwood out of your ass. Maybe we'll call you then.
Jessie: Wow, Kyo...

3. Sex Is Always Your Solution

Kyo: Beautiful, you're saying that I'm horny right now. Or am I twisting your words in the way that you like to do with mine?

Aren’t women cute when they get worked up?

All: No.
Kyo: It's not cute when a guy's pissed off, either.

Your girlfriend is pacing around the room, ranting and raving about her ever-critical mother and you really just want to take her to bed right now (that could be because she’s talking about her mom who’s a total MILF).

Cassy: *rolls her eyes* Yes, because all guys want to bone their girlfriend's mothers.

Regardless, when a woman feels close to a man, she shares her problems.

Jessie: Unfortunately, she decided to vent at 11:45 at night, so he falls asleep, bored to death.

And, as men do, you want to provide comfort and support … in the form of some really great sex.

Kyo: I don't like to be lumped in a general group here, lady. I do not rely on sex and beer to live.
Cassy: Technically, he relies on setting things on fire while Miyu's asleep.
Kyo: Very funny, Kitty.

While sometimes that’s exactly what we need to loosen up, we want to feel like you take us seriously.

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* With this article? I highly doubt that.

It’s easy to get in the mindset that you are your girlfriend’s escape from her problems.

Jessie: Because she's too damn lazy to solve the problem by herself before going to you.

But just like we don’t want to feel like your plaything, we don’t always want you to be ours. Sorry guys, but if your girlfriend is bitching about her boss, you may actually have to come up with some advice as to how she deals with the problem.

Kyo: Oh, but we can't do that. That's too hard, you say. Maybe I should drool on the floor like an untamed animal, too.

Sex can be a great stress-reliever, but it’s only temporary.

Miyu: *blushes* I know.
Kyo: *grins* You're dirty, Miyu.

If your girlfriend is dealing with stresses in her life, they will build up and she’ll be turning the lights out and turning away from you in bed at night.

Cassy: And then you'll wonder where that faint buzzing sound is coming from.
Miyu: Cassidy!

Next time you’re rubbing that slap print off of your face wondering what you did wrong, just remember this: women like to be fully informed.

Miyu: Wait, did you just slap him because of your terrible communication skills?
Cassy: Enjoy your cats, lady. And don't even try to make me one of them.
Jessie: And remember this, ladies: Kyo LeMaire can stop your attempted slap, or he can hit you back if provoked.
Kyo: Well, it's only the former. I don't hit women for no reason... well, unless it's a sparring match or if she's actually trying to kill me.

That is kind of the common theme in all the above mentioned scenarios, don’t you think?

Kyo, Jessie, Cassy: Oh, bite us.

They want to know what’s on your mind and what’s on your schedule.

Miyu: Then hire a spy from "Cheaters" if you really want to know!

Make it up if you have to, but tell them SOMEthing more than a one word answer … or zero phone calls. It could really reduce our Valium intake.

Kyo: And then you can die of an overdose. There, we have one less abusive dolt to worry about.
Miyu, Jessie, Cassy: Kyo!

Julia Austin is a freelance writer living in Los Angeles.

Cassy: No wonder she's finding the wrong men and writing bad articles like these! She's in L.A.!

She covers travel, lifestyle and love+sex for a number of media outlets including Discovery's PlanetGreen, LipGlossCulture.com, and QuickieChick.com.

Miyu: Maybe they're all about treating your significant other like garbage on the go, too.

When she isn't writing she is planning her next trip or sharing dating stories with her friends at happy hour.

Jessie: Maybe she was sloshed when she wrote this.
Kyo: Says the person who dropped drunk during our last riffing.
Jessie: *laughs nervously*

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