Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Crazy Train, Episode 3: Why Most Twilight Fans Kinda Suck

--

Note: This riffing contains three opinion articles all written by "LizzieBella":

-Why Harry Potter Kinda Sucks
-Bella Swan is a fantastic role model!
-Edward Cullen is the best boyfriend EVER!!!!!

--

So SO many peopla have been saying that Harry Potter is better than Twilight. That is NOT TRUE!!!!!!!

Rory: What is true is that I got my new shoes at a discount!
James: How long will it be before they break apart?
Rory: I'm so taking you off of my Christmas list.

Here are just a few reasons why Harry Potter kind of sucks.

1. Theres too much swearing.

Mai: There's a difference between some swearing and too much of it. And those books clearly deal with the former. Do I have to place bubble wrap around the playground slide now?

Ron says “blo*dy H*ll” all the time,

Axl: Are you sure that you weren't reading a bad fanfic instead? As a matter of fact, are you sure that you can read anything at all?

and Molly weasley calls Bellatrix Lestrange a B*TCH in the last book! Thats seriously unaceptable!

James: Wanna know what's unacceptable? The fact that the left side of my brain's about to shut down.

I mean little kids are reading that stuff!!! That kind of language is really bad!

Axl: Sadly, the little kids are smarter than you.

2. Its too violent. Like people die in every book, i mean its just depressing! and good guys die too!!

Mai: And? It's sadly a fact of life.
Axl: Uh-oh! She's going to confiscate all of my shooters and brutal fighting games next!

I mean lupin, fred (one of the best characters), tonks, etc. I mean little kinds and people shoudn’t have to read that kind of thing! that teaches people that death is ok and natural!

James: I'll cause your death... but it won't be natural.
Mai: Cut it out.

I mean who WANTS to read about that kind of thing?

Rory: Cassy.

3. TORTURE.

Rory: Cassy likes that, too!

in HP, people torture other peopls JUST FOR FUN! thats WRONG!

Axl: And that's terrible!

Its going to teach people that torture is okay and it’s not!

Mai: She's not going to enjoy BDSM relationships.

I mean like Voldemort and Bellatrix like to cause people pain an dHAVE FUN KILLING PEOPLE! Thats so horrible that they like get turned on by killing people.

James: *giggles while he is holding his copy of "GoldenEye"*

Thats SO HORRIBLE AND WRONG!

Axl: And that's terrible! Just terrible!

Not to mention depressing and WAY 2 DARK! Thats not okay for people to read. And for the death thing see reason 2.

Mai: Yes, because how dare people die prematurely!

4. Its british.

James: *narrows his eyes* I should make a coat out of your skin right now.
Axl: *sarcastically* Wait! That's violent!
James: Blah, blah, blah, I don't bloody care.
Rory: Man, no wonder you're such a jerk.

British stuff is never as good as american stuff. America is the top country in the world. I  mean, im not trying to brag or anything, but its just a fact that america is the most advanced and powerful country in the world.

Mai: And full of idiots. Sure, idiots are everywhere, but America shows that strongly.
Rory: Hey, don't insult us! We just made a wider ketchup hole!
Mai: Thank you for proving my point.

Twilight is American,  Harry Potter is british. Therefore, by logic, Twilight is better.

Axl: And we wonder why "Idiocracy" is looking like a freakin' documentary today!

And just because Twilight is american automatically makes it higher quality, just because its America, no matter what you think of the book.

Mai: I think it's a piece of garbage that didn't deserve to be published. Trash is trash, no matter what country it's from.

I mean, British people can be really bad, like they fought against us and LOST in WW2, right? So seriously, they just aren’t as good.

Mai: The British lost against the Americans in the Revolutionary War, you insufferable waste of an egg and sperm!
Axl: Uh... did she fall asleep in History class... or did she take some heavy drugs before a test on everything?
James: Why is it illegal to kill morons in a mass genocide?!
Mai: Because other morons will bend the rules to kill the smart people.
Rory: Holy crap! I'm officially smarter than somebody and I don't need a test to prove it!

5. Its comfusing. See above about it being british. But basically to go along with that, BECAUSE its britis, the stuff is confusing.

Rory: British or not, your spelling is confusing.

like they use slang and stuff that doesnt make sense to ANYONE BUT BRITISH PEOPLE!

Mai: Slang is everywhere. And it is in every language! Wake up!

and like the stuff they talk baout that is british and hard to understand.

Rory: Sorry, sorry... I'm an American... and you're hard to understand.

You shouldn’t have to use a fucking SLANG DICTIONARY when reading!!!!

Rory: Hey, you just cursed. What was that about too much swearing?
Axl: Do standardized tests still have reading comprehension as one of their categories?
James: You should know. You're seventeen.
Axl: I graduated early. A lot can happen in a year, you know.

6. The movies are crap.

James: My brain's turning into crap.

So like they’re made by an american compeny, but why the hell do they have funny accents?

Mai: Because the actors are *gasps* British!
Axl: She's going to hate everyone not named Cassy or Rory, then.
Rory: Wait, Miyu and Jessie are American. And so is Benimaru.
James: And they're all half-Japanese. That "I hate the Brits" doofus isn't gonna like them, either.

I hate watching movyes and not being able 2 understand the people in them!!!! I mean siriusly, WTF?! I always have to rewind and use subtittles when I watch the movies, because of the funny accents! I mean cant the actors talk normally?

James: Mmm. She's going to hate a certain British actor who plays a certain "vampire" in her precious "films"...

whyd they get weirdos for the parts anyways? They should of gotten normal people who can FUCKING TALK RIGHT!!!!!

Rory: Common sense has encountered an illegal operation and will be shut down. Dunno why it wasn't shut down earlier, but hey.

7.  The chracters are ugly.

Axl: So are you! Yeah, I can dish out the insults of the playground, too! Ooh, what now?
Mai: I think it's time I sedated you.

Hermione is a frizzy haired dork. Luna is a weirdo and dresses like shes color blind.

Mai: Nice to see that she's learning a life lesson from those infernal "books"... turn your nose up at others because they're not like you.

Rons a ginger, and we all know that gingers don’t have souns, thank to South Park… JUST KIDDING!  That part was a joke, of course,

Rory: I'm not laughing. Also, you probably deserve to have bricks thrown at your face.

but still, he’s ugly. Harry is just a weirdo wit glasses and a freakish scar.

James: *sarcastically* How dare they wear glasses! How dare they not look the way she wants them to!

And Dumbledore is creepy too. He has a beard, beards are creepy! And he has a mustache too, that makes him look like hes evil!!

Axl: *facepalms* I don't even...

We all know beards are creepy,

Mai: Well, you know nothing.

and he wears a freaking DRESS!

James: It's a bloody robe, you bellend!

THATS SICK, MEN DO NOT WEAR DRESSES!!!!!!!!

Mai: Wait until she encounters a drag queen.

Also hes gay. thats creepy because hes so old! Old peopla rent supposed to be gay! nothin against homosexals, btw.

Rory: So... if you're gay, and you age, you're supposed to magically turn straight?
James: Bloody hell, I'm getting dumber by the second.

8. the villains are unrealistic.

James: Have you looked in the mirror, love?

WHat kind of sadistic creepy fucking moron kills people and tortured them FOR FUN?!??! WTF?!

Axl: I want the scientists to hurry up and see if there's life on Mars.

And besides, its soooooo unrealistic

Mai: And then a serial killer knocked on her door and slashed the troll's head off. Nobody shed a tear.

i mean a REAL villain (like the Volturi) wouldn’t be considerate enough to wait until the end of the school year before enacting their evil plot. thats just unrealistic.

Axl: Maybe... but they did wait until the end of the books to do something, thus wasting their usefulness. And the Volturi aren't technically villians.

And they’s just creepy losers with bad hair in cloaks. Yuk.

Rory: Wait, I thought that those Volturi guys wore cloaks, too!
Mai: Rory, save your brain cells.

Anyways, these are just a few reasons Harry Potter is bad.

James: Those were also a few reasons to show you why our schools are failing.

AND TWILIGHT IS BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER BECAUSE IT DOES NOT HAVE THE AFOREMENTIONED THINGS!

Axl: I guess being required to be pasty white for a fulfilling life makes it better than "Harry Potter" as well, huh?

Stop thinking HP is SOOOO much better and trying to lord it all over us Twilight fans, thats just plain RUDE.

Mai: *rubs her head* Yes, it's okay to shove your "Twilight" love down our throats, but it's wrong for us to legitimately dislike them. Yes, that sounds perfectly logical.

Anyways, I’ll probably write more on this subject,

Rory: No! No, no, no!

but anyways, consider this part one.

James: Was there even a part two?
Rory: No, but we have two more articles from the same person.
James: *sighs* Oh, Jesus.

Peace, Love, and Twilight for all!

LizzieBella, : P

Axl: I'd find peace in you not writing. I'd love it if you'd stop writing. And you can go surf the Pacific Ocean on those books for all I care.

ok, so everyones sayign that Bella from twilight is like so boring and a bad role model. that NO TRUE AT ALL!

Mai: *chuckles* Oh, the hilarity.
Rory: Hey, Mai finally cracked a smile!
Mai: I'm not entirely devoid of emotion, Rory.

1. first, bella Swann is so pretty!!!

James: Okay, what the hell does that have to do with being a role model?
Axl: And this is coming from the guy who idolizes the A-Team.
James: What? I love explosions, mate.

thats really good and it gives girls somthign to aspire to! like since bellas pretty shes inspiring girls to take better care of themselves and try to be prettier!!

Rory: *presses a buzzer* Nope, nope, nope. In reality... she's a selfish jerk who only finds happiness in other people's looks.

2. Bellas really smart.

Axl: And now it's time for a metaphor. Mai?
Mai: *lets Axl lift her up*
Axl: I symbolize a cliff. Rory symbolizes the water and rocks below. My sister symbolizes... well, that waste of carbon. Here, we demonstrate what happens when you lose a boyfriend in the second book.
*Axl throws Mai. She safely lands into Rory's arms.*
Axl: Yes, we have demonstrated her suicide attempt. Any questions?
James: *claps* Don't need to ask any! Wonderful!

like she gets realy good grades and studys and all.

James: Too bad she's still a complete dumbarse that got everything handed over to her by tripping over her two left feet.

lik im not sayign Harry potter isnt smart but hes not that smart

Rory: *forms a light spear* You have contradicted yourself and insulted my honor! En Garde!
Axl: Stand down, Rory. And where were you insulted again?
Rory: Uh, well...
Axl: Uh-huh.

and he flunks History of Magic and he doest get all A’s but Bella does, and shes into deep stuff like Romeo and juliet

Axl: A play that middle and high schoolers know. Yeah... can't we just catapult Bella Sue and this "writer" into Venus or something?

and studying and books and she reads Jane Austen in her spare time so shes fantastic role model since she so smart!

Mai: And she gets them wrong in context in the process! *sarcastically* She should be an instant graduate of Dartmouth right now!

3. she teaches you about love.

James: No, she taught me how to be a defenseless woman with no spine or brains.

like she shows how its important to be in love and all the htings people do for love! its so adorable how much she loves Edward and they are so cute together!

Rory: Never mind the fact that they have no chemistry whatsoever.

4. Shes realy strong. like shes protestign about the stuff she belives in, like

Axl: ...bra burning.
James: Oh, please. She probably doesn't even know how to flick a Bic.

when she wants to keep Renesmee the baby even though edward don’t want her to! like she strong and stands up for waht she belives in even if it dangerus to her!

Mai: Nope. She only did that because of the rules of that hack writer... you know, a woman in those books is incomplete without a child or a man. If she is infertile, doesn't want children, or is single, give her the evil eye.

5. Shes so creative! like she came up with a super unique name for her baby, Renesmee! so adorabel!

Rory: Is that an element from the Periodic Table?
Axl: It's a bad amalgam. But you weren't too far off.

6. shes modest and humbel.

Rory: *falls out of his seat while laughing*
Mai: My thoughts exactly.

Like Edward wants to buy her stuff since hes rich but shes not using him for his money and she doesnt let him just buy stuff for her!!

Axl: Okay, so that's a bit true. She only likes him because he's a vampire, anyway.
Mai: She kept bragging about the expensive garbage that he got for her in the first chapter of "Breaking Dawn". Sure, she didn't pick it out, but for someone who is supposed to be "humble", she can really act like a selfish pig.

7. Shes played by Kristen stewart. thats like a bonus in itself cos Kristen is so amazing and beautiful and pretty and talanted and gorgeously stunning!

James: Pfft. I'm sure that she's a nice lady, but she looked like she was trying to squeeze a turd out of her arse prior to shooting every bloody scene.

8. Shes populer! like evryone likes her at her new school so shes totally doing it right!

Mai: Ignore the fact that she had most of the school on puppet strings, ladies and gentlemen.

and popularity is good thing so that gives girls and fans new thing to aspire to!!

Axl: Yes, nothing beats trying to emulate Bella's Jerk Sue self. Please don't cry to me if I hate you for being a giant jerk.

shes clearly awesome if a lot of people like her right?

Rory: She'd be more awesome if she was actually squished by that van!

ok, I could go on all night!!!

James: You obviously didn't, thank goodness.

Peace!

Axl: Love!
Rory: And soul!
Mai: I don't know you two.

LizzieBella

James: How much more of this can I take?
Axl: Just one more article.
James: *flatly* Oh, joy.

so like everyone says Edward is bad boyfriend and creepy and stuff!

James: Sure, he'll spy on you, disable your truck engine so you can't see your friends, and blackmail you into marrying him! *speaks a little louder and sarcastically* Yeah, I don't get why people think that he's bad and creepy, either!

THATS NOT TRUE EDWARD IS THE BEST BOYFREIND EVER!!!! Heres some reasons why……

Rory: If you can find one legit reason, I will have Filet of Ceiling Fan for dinner.

1. hes really hot!

Axl: Looks like that fan's staying in place.
Rory: Good... 'cause I haven't planned the cooking part at all.

I mean hotness isent the most importent thing i know, but its good to be hot and to have a boyfreind whose hot, since they’re that much more atractive and good to look at!! and hot guys are better anyways!

Mai: How in the world did you manage to contradict yourself in six nanoseconds?

2. hes so caring! like he watches bella when she sleeps that so ROMANTIC AND ADORABLE like he actualy watches her all night, he must really love her!!

James: Want to know what's more romantic? A stake in his black heart.

he spends all his time doing that its so sweet and adorable!!!

Axl: Mai?
Mai: Hmm?
Axl: Do you have knitting needles so I can stab myself with them?
Mai: You know I don't know how to knit, Axl.
Axl: Oh. Right.

3. hes RICH! and generous!! like he buys Bella stuff like a car and its so sweet hes always trying to buy her stuff! and sure money isent the most impeortent thingy but its awesome to have a rich boyfriend so he can buy you stuff!! rich guys rock!

James: She wouldn't be saying that if she met Andrew Luster.
Rory: I... oh, god.

4. Hes really smart!! like hes really deep and intelligent since hes been through school so much its so endeering!

Rory: He went through high school about six billion times. That really can't be "deep".
Mai: I'm still questioning why he couldn't go through college again and again. Imagine all of the programs that you could do if you were immortal.

(i think that means attractive)

James: I want to smack you unconscious with a dictionary.
Mai: Please be careful. She'll probably think that "unconscious" will also mean "attractive" if you do that.

so like you can have a good coversation with him and hes like quoting literature and hes like Mr. Darcy!!! hes so hot! I never read PRide and Prejudice

Axl: ...which is why you should shut up before you dig yourself into the center of the Earth.

but I just know Mr. Darcy ishotand smart too I think Lol!

Rory: Never mind, she just hit China.

5. Hes soo protective

Mai: Make that overprotective. I don't need a second father, thank you.

like he alweys dos what he htink is best for Bella hes always looking out for her thats so sweet!

James: Please! He was that close to putting her in an air bubble and feeding her fish flakes for dinner!

ANYWAYS EDWARD IS THE BEST BF EVER!! Dont you wish you could be Mrs Cullen?

Mai: I would rather impale myself with Excalibur.

And he has a sexy name too! Edward Edward Edward! It just sounds so nice! And Cullen is sexy name too! Like chocolate!

Axl: "Cullen" means "chocolate"? The heck? When I read about that name, it was derived from an old French word that meant "cologne"! Now that I think about it... guess that name meaning could be why he liked Bella for her scent.
James: That's a lucky fluke. Stephenie Meyer's a twit who wouldn't know the meaning of research if it elbowed her Ron Artest style.

Anyways Edward is a GREAT BOYFRIEND!!!!!

Rory: He's as great as my crabs!
Mai: *stares at Rory*
Rory: No, I do not have crabs.
Mai: Oh.

Peace,

LizzieBella

Axl, James, Rory: And peace out!
Mai: Good riddance.

--

Go Back to Still Selling Out Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page