Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Crazy Train, Episode 4: Purely Stupid (Part One)

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Note: This riffing contains two articles that were written by Alexandra Adornetto, the author of the "Halo" series:

-Why teenage boys suck more than vampires
-Guard your virginity. Once lost, it's, it's gone forever

This part contains the riffing of "Why teenage boys suck more than vampires".

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Dumb, vain and confused: adolescent males, are like, totally overrated.

Axl: And, like, this is totally gonna suck.
Jessie: "Dumb, vain, and confused"? Well, I think she just described herself with that part of the sentence.

FORGET Gillard versus Abbott.

Rory: Who?
Mai: *looks it up* Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott. If you bring those two together, then they're often referring to the "Misogyny Speech" that occured in 2012.
James: Yeah, but this article was written in 2010.
Mai: *continues to look* Oh. So it was referring to the federal election between those two.
Jessie: So... this writer's Australian, then. Pretty much a given since the web address ended with ".au".

The real debate is Edward versus the modern teenage boy, as Eclipse, the third instalment of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, hits cinema screens.

James: Oh, my god, she's an idiot. That is not a "real debate". It's gonna be heavily one-sided, and we all know it.

A new word entered the modern lexicon recently. ''Twihard'' describes those (mostly adolescent females)

Rory: Uh... you forgot the adult women. They are or were pretty large, too... the fanbase, I mean. Not their actual body sizes. I'm not fatphobic or anything. I mean--
Axl: *chuckles* We get it, Rory.

whose obsession with the hero of the Twilight saga goes way beyond entertainment.

Jessie: "Cullenism". That is all.
James: Uh-oh. "Twilight saga"? I think I just heard Sonia pop a blood vessel.

What is this obsession with fictional romantic heroes about? Why does the fictional hero win out every time?

Mai: Because it's a fantasy. Seriously, did we need an article explaining this nonsense to us?
Axl: Yes. And you already knew that Stephenie Meyer loved to talk to us as if we were idiots, so this writer's gonna do that, too.

On the surface, it's just not rational. After all, Edward Cullen is a blood-sucking vampire.

Mai: That sentence is missing something. James?
James: I'm on it, Mai. Let's see... *writes* "After all, Edward Cullen is a misogynistic, genocidal, sociopathic, and abusive blood-sucking vampire."
Jessie: You forgot "racist".
James: Oh, yeah. Gotta fit that in there, too.

He's rock hard,

Jessie, James, Rory: *snickers*
Axl: Yeah, we can see where this author's priorities lie, eh?
Mai: *hits Axl on the back of his head with a rolled-up newspaper* Bad Axl!
Axl: Hey! If you're gonna hit me, hit them, too!

marble cold to the touch and minus a heart beat.

Rory: Minus a heart, period.
Jessie: Also minus a brain.

He lives on animal blood. So what makes him so appealing to teenage girls?

Mai: Because they're idiots.

Could his popularity be an indictment of young males?

All: No.

For a start, Edward (unlike your typical pubescent male) is not a commitment-phobe.

James: Yeah, because all men hate commitment. Here we go with the box lumping.
Jessie: And she makes it sound like all women want to commit. Newsflash, sweetie; people are different.
James: Don't tell that to her. Remember? You don't exist in "Twilight" land because you're black and Japanese.
Jessie: And bisexual. Don't forget that.
James: I didn't forget that, Jess. Point is, you don't exist in that crap universe.

His devotion to Bella is impressive. He opens car doors for her,

All: *groans, rolls their eyes*
Axl: I'm so sick of people saying that "he opens doors for her" is a sign of romance. It's politeness, you doofus.

is always attentive to her needs and does not presume to take her out without first meeting her father.

Jessie: And like the people who loved "50 Shades", this writer also failed reading comprehension.
Rory: If he was attentive to her needs, then why'd he dismantle her car engine that one time?
Mai: And if he was all about meeting Bella's father, then why'd he sneak into her house when he was banned by him?
James: Whoa, slow down, kids! You're going to make her brain explode from sheer logic!

Edward is a classic gentleman and a SNAG rolled into one.

Rory: Is that an acronym?
Mai: Nope.

And he has no difficulty articulating his emotions.

Axl: *stifles his laughter* Really, now? Yeah? Really?
Jessie: Considering that we have an expy in Hellspawn Grey... yeah, he has immense difficulty.

What's more, Edward is never confused about his role - he is comfortable as protector and provider.

James: Because he kicks, screams, and whines when he doesn't get to tell the whole family what to do.

He is impeccably groomed and never has to be lectured about hygiene.

Rory: Remember, all guys that aren't named Edward Cullen never shower! All women are clean and smell like flowers, even when they're playing sports! Shove everyone into neat little boxes!
Mai: She has a future... writing for Cosmopolitan.

He exercises superhuman control in keeping his relationship with Bella chaste, though he does fly into uncontrollable rages whenever Bella's safety is compromised. But then, some of us girls happen to like that.

James: So... you like being abused? Lady, you need help. And he needs his head chopped off.
Jessie: Which one?
James: Ha!

Let's face it - the average teenage boy doesn't stand a chance against Edward Cullen.

All: Because he's fictional!
Rory: Holy crap, you're dumber than I am!

I recently had a brief dalliance with a boy my age who could not communicate to save his life. He kept a roll of toilet paper by his bed for ''poo emergencies'' in the night and refused to walk the 10 metres to the servo where he worked, opting instead to skateboard in order to avoid exertion.

Mai: Perhaps he had a health issue. Stop being such a judgmental twit... you twit.

He did have a few redeeming features: an endearing upturned nose and a preppy schoolboy haircut. Sadly, these were not enough to sustain a relationship.

Jessie: Oh, my goodness! The redeeming features were physical and had nothing to do with his personality!
Axl: And she wondered why the relationship failed? I swear, this lady's dumber than a box of rocks.
Jessie: That's an insult to rocks.
Rory: Uh... lemme get this straight. She likes Edward because he looks pretty, but wondered why a relationship in real life failed 'cause of the same thing?
Mai: Yes, Rory.
Rory: *with a blank look* ...huh?
Mai: I'm stumped as well, Rory.

We teenage girls are faced with a quandary; we know what we want but are forced to wait for our male counterparts to grow up.

James: No, you don't. A good lot of you don't know what you want.

We are ready for intense and meaningful relationships but research indicates that males will not reach maturity until their mid-20s.

Jessie: *raises her hand* In my 20s. Not looking for a meaningful relationship yet.
Rory: Uh-oh! Author's head is gonna explode in a sec!

Faced with such news, we have no choice but to fantasise over what it might be like to love a vampire.

Mai: Enjoy being single for the rest of your life.
Rory: I dunno. Maybe she'll just bribe someone to marry her, I guess.

Apart from a small minority, teenage boys fall into three distinct categories: macho, metro or just plain muddled.

Axl, James, Rory: Are you kidding me?!
Jessie: Oh, she's an idiot.
Mai: An idiot with no credibility to boot.

The first type is the beer-swilling Neanderthal who is more concerned about how he is perceived by his mates than winning a girl's affection. These boys think passing wind counts as humour and everything they say is punctuated with some sexual innuendo.

Mai: I can't fit any of the guys here in that "category".
Jessie: Sounds more like a stereotypical frat boy than a "category". She needs to get out more often.
Axl: I know a game that she can play. It's called "Outside". Actual guys with various personalities are outside. Go outside, you doofus.

The second type is metro man, whose preoccupation with image is often more important than spending time with a girlfriend.

Rory: *holds up a picture of Benimaru* Maybe?
James: Keep reading, mate.

These lads own skinny jeans and hair-straighteners and spend a lot of time shopping for accessories to complement their ''indie'' outfits. Metro man is too aware of his effect on women and usually uses it to his advantage.

Rory: Seriously, I think that's Benimaru.
Mai: Nope.

Scratch the surface and you won't find much substance.

Rory: Oh. He does have a personality to boot, though.
Mai: Not only is the author an idiot, she's also shallow. That was obvious, anyway.
Axl: Yeah... I think she may have described a stereotypical teenage girl... or herself, now that I think about it.
James: Well, author's head exploded again. Good going, Ax.

The third type is generally decent, but gives out such conflicting messages that you need telepathic skills to work out what they're about.

Jessie: *stares at the screen* Woman, read the articles that I've riffed with my group, and come back to me. Until then, shut your mouth, open your tiny brain, and learn the definition of "people".
Axl: Or she can just play "Outside".
Mai: *mutters* In rush hour traffic.
Axl: *hits Mai on the back of her head with her rolled-up newspaper* Bad Mai!
Mai: Ouch!

There is no denying Edward Cullen has raised the bar.

Rory: What're you smoking, lady? I want what you're smoking.

The only question remaining is: how will teen males rise to the challenge?

Axl: Uh... they can't because your standards are so painfully unrealistic and high?
James: Or maybe it's 'cause she's high.
Axl: Oh, yeah. She is high.
Jessie: You guys realized that she just begged teenage boys to turn up the stalking and abuse vibes, right?
James: As if we didn't have enough of that crap in the news lately. Yeah... she's seriously high, then.

A friend and I were bemoaning the disastrous nature of teen romance recently

James: *as Adornetto* ...which I also added to with my terrible books. Irony is lost on me.

when she commented that, when asked out these days, her first thoughts run along these lines: ''Can you run at lightening speed?

Axl: Sonic can. He runs faster than the speed of sound. Date him.
Mai: Please. He'll run off because he doesn't want to lose his mind.

Can you throw me over your shoulder and scale a tree in the event of imminent danger?

Mai: If you do that, I'll stab you.
Jessie: If you grab me like that, I'll break your neck.
Mai: I'm a squirrel. I can scale a tree by myself, thank you.
Jessie: And I'm not going to be a damsel in distress being carried up by a Neanderthal.

Will you sit by my bedside every night watching me sleep and wondering about my dreams?''

Rory: Heck no, I have to work in the morning! I don't think I can work on the Extreme Gear orders without my eight hours of sleep!
Jessie: Those were her friend's thoughts?
James: Wait, her friend can think?
Mai: Well, I'd say that I'd be surprised that she had friends, but idiots do attract other idiots...

We joked about the response this might elicit from the real teen: ''Nah, babe, but I can knock back a six-pack in under half an hour, do some impressive grinding on the D-floor and throw up neatly into a garbage bin at the end of the night. Doesn't that turn you on?''

Mai: You are a vapid waste of oxygen.
Rory: Ugh... *facepalms*
Axl: I... are you fucking kidding me?!
James: I should shake her so hard that her brain cells click together.
Mai: That's implying that she had cells to begin with, James. It's painfully obvious that they're not there. Or defective.
Jessie: *facepalms* Jesus tap-dancing Christ. Why did you four drag me into this again?
Rory: I didn't do it. James and Axl wanted you 'cause you knew what people were. Mainly 'cause you traveled the world with your sisters and stuff.
Jessie: Yeah, "Outside" is such a fun game, Rory.

Edward Cullen provides us with a reprieve from reality.

Jessie: Yeah, the reality that you're not living in.

Much as psychologists insist we learn to deal with it, we all know reality is overrated.

James: I'm seeing a strait jacket in your future.

Real conversation can be awkward, rambling and self-conscious; Bella and Edward's exchanges are anything but.

Rory: Seriously, she's super high.
Axl: No, I think she must be doing crystal meth now. I'm sorry, but... those two nitwits don't have any appealing conversations.

''Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason … and then you shot across my sky like a meteor.''

James: *yawns*
Jessie: *rests her head on James's shoulder* I know. It's boring me to sleep, too.
Mai: I didn't know that Edward Cullen had a LiveJournal...

I don't know about you,

Axl: Bite my furry tail. You don't need to know about me.

but I'll take the romantic hero (even the blood-sucking kind) every time.

Rory: Man, she's gonna be so disappointed when she meets actual people.
James: Let her. I won't have any sympathy for that snotty twit.

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Continue to Part Two
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