Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Crazy Train Episode 7: Master Of The Heart (Part One)

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Chapter 1

It had been a long day of training, Chikorita and myself were heading back to the Violet city gym, it had been a while since I had seen Falkner or my father for that matter.

Rory: Uh... do we have a prologue for this thing?
Mai: No.
Rory: Backstory?
Mai: No.
Rory: Do we have anything that could help us here?
Mai: Aside from a basic Trainer profile? No.
Rory: I'm so lost.
Mai: So are we.
Axl: I'm a bit miffed that we're in the first person. That means that we're gonna be stuck with her for the whole thing.
James: *sighs* Wonderful.

It would be nice to return home after just completing the Kanto league.

James: Yeah, remember when we heard about that... now?

I have now officially become a Pokémon master and champion.

Axl: With a Chikorita? No. Stop. Stop, please. I want to get off this broken ride.

Still though, I wanted to do something more with my life. Call me crazy, I know people only dream to reach the level that I have,

Mai: *glares at the screen* ...I hate you.
Rory: *laughs*

but I still want to do more, maybe head on over to another region.

Rory: With what, a Legendary?
Axl: Rory, don't tempt the fic.

Either way I'm home now, I should just take a break.

James: From what? The lack of pacing?
Axl: Yeah, worldbuilding doesn't exist.

"Dad, I'm back!" I cried out as I opened the door to my house. "Haine… Is that you?" Dad asked as he ran out to give me a big hug. "Chika" Chikorita cried out as she announced her presence.

Axl: And this is where someone needs to call LeMaire Medical, pronto.

"Of course you two Chiki" Dad smiled as he patted her on the head. Chiki was the nickname that was used sometimes towards my Chikorita. "So how is my little Pokémon master?" Dad smiled as he sat down on the couch. "Well I am doing good, tired but I think I will go see Falkner now" I replied as I then headed out the door. Dad would understand, after all Falkner has been my best friend since we were little.

James: What is it with this Suethor and her Sue characters always having some backstory with a Gym Leader? It's getting pretty dumb.
Mai: Pardon?
James: Sonia told me about this Suethor. Her boring arse Sues are usually connected to Gym Leaders.
Rory: Wait, wasn't there a Pokémon Trainer that riffed here a couple of years ago? Wasn't she connected to a Gym Leader?
Axl: You mean Juniper? Sort of. Her father used to be a Trainer in the Petalburg City Gym.
Rory: Oh.

"FALKY!" I cried out as I ran inside the gym.

All: *confused*
James: What the flying fu--
Axl: This is going to go downhill really fast.

My father used to be the gym leader but then passed it onto Falkner when I refused.

Mai: And it already hit rock bottom. You're telling us that she's already a Champion and could've been the leader of the Violet City Gym? Where's the development? Where's the backstory? Where is anything?
Axl: Gone, gone, and dead, Mai.

You see this is a flying gym

James: *with a dunce cap on his head* Really?

and well, I have a fear of flying Pokémon, ever since I was little and I got attacked by a swarm of Pidgey.

Rory: At least it wasn't Spearow, because that's been done to death.

"Haine?" Falkner spoke as I ran up to hug him. "How's it going?" I grinned. "I should be asking you, champion!" Falkner smiled back; it was so nice seeing him again. "Who is she?" I looked over to see a younger boy with black hair and a red hat, he had a Pikachu on his shoulder and beside him was a girl with short orange hair in a side ponytail, and also an older guy I would assume around the age of 17, he was dark skinned and had squinted eyes.

Mai: Oh, no. We are not going to ruin Ash, Misty, and Brock.
James: Why not? The anime already derailed Ash a billion times and cheated him out of the Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos leagues.
Rory: How so?
James: Sinnoh knocked him with two legendaries, Unova gave him a person who can make a giant boulder look like an Oxford scholar, and Kalos just gave him a "fuck you" card.

"This is Haine Ki,

All: *flatly* What.
Rory: Her name is Hanky? Why is she named after a scarf that you wipe your nose on?
Axl: "Hanky"?! *cracks up*

she is a Pokémon champion who has completed the Johto and Kanto leagues, she is considered a Master and is now world famous." Falkner replied quite proudly, he had always been like an older brother to me.

Rory: And I'm going to drink motor oil now.
Mai: Character shilling hurts.

"Wow, you're Haine Ki!

James: Yes, you can wipe your nose on her.

It's an honor to meet you, call me Brock. You are so much more beautiful in real life then in the magazines." Brock stated. "She's too young for you!" The girl stated as she pulled his ear and dragged him away. "My name is Ash Ketchum and I'm from Pallet town, and this is Pikachu" Ash stated, "Pikachu" Pikachu spoke. "My name is Misty; it's so nice to meet you." Misty smiled. "So Ash let me guess you challenged Falkner to a battle?" I asked. "Yeah and I just won the badge." Ash beamed as he flashed the badge.

Axl: So... we're just gonna stick her right into the anime's canon? Right after he got a badge?
Rory: Yeah, why not? It's not like she's done running over everyone with a giant steamroller!

"Congrats, maybe some day you will be able to challenge me." I smiled. "I challenge you right now!" Ash stated as everyone expressions turned to shock.

Mai: Pardon me? Excuse me? What?!
James: You know, he... was a bit of a hothead in the past. He kept running headlong into battles and sometimes got his arse kicked. At least he cares for his Pokémon.

"Ash she's a champion, you don't stand a chance" Brock stated. "He's right Ash, another time." Falkner replied.

Axl: Gee, thanks, assholes. Jesus.

"I don't care, I want to battle, my dream is to become a Pokémon Master and by beating her I am one step closer." Ash replied.

James: Gotta give it to him. They say that he sucks, he just goes and gives them the finger in response.
Rory: Heh. By the way, if we're following the anime, how did he place in the League?
Axl: He placed Top 16 in the Indigo League and became an Orange Islands Champion... hey, wait! How can they say that he doesn't stand a chance when he's actually a Champion his own damn self?!
Mai: Because... Brock wasn't with him?
Axl: But Misty was with him.
Mai: Axl, you're using logic. This fic isn't. You're on the losing end. Also, some people don't even count the Orange Islands since it's a "backwater" league. *in a playful mocking tone* You don't stand a chance. Try it another time.
Axl: Pfft.

"Actually if you do beat me you would be a champion, so let's make this interesting, you beat me and I will recognize you as the strongest trainer in the world. If I win, you have to let me join you for a while on your travels." I replied.

Mai: God, please, no. I don't want that leech attaching herself to the main characters like that.
Axl: Mai, we're in the first person. You don't stand a chance.
Mai: *stares at Axl*
Axl: ...you started it. Don't stare at me like that.

"You want to go with them?" Falkner asked. "Well you see, I find him interesting, he kind of reminds me of me, how I used to be and recently I have been feeling a bit low, I think that traveling with them for a bit would inspire me more you know?" I stated.

James: Never mind his spirit, you only care about him because it all comes back to you. Of bloody course.

"Deal!" Ash smirked. "3 on 3?" I asked. "Sounds good to me" Ash replied.

Rory: Alright, where's the Legendary? Bust that sucker out right now!
Mai: You're expecting the worst, aren't you?
Rory: We're riffers, Mai. We're supposed to expect the worst.

So there we were facing off, "I will start" I smiled, "Okay!" Ash yelled back. "Chiki, you are up!" I winked as she jumped off of my shoulder to the ground. "Then I will use, Chikorita GO" Ash yelled as he released his own Chikorita. "So you have a little cutie too, she's adorable" I squealed. "Yeah but she's strong!" Ash said confidently, "Not strong enough" I replied just as confident.

Axl: There's a difference between playful trash talk and knowing that you're gonna kick his ass because you're a Sue.

"Chikorita use Vinewhip" Ash yelled out. I was surprised, Chikorita's normally can't use that move,

Mai: If she's referring to leveling, she's correct. However, Chikorita can learn Vine Whip via breeding.

however I have one as well. "Petaldance" I spoke as petals flew out surrounding Ash's Chikorita and sending her flying. "Chikorita is unable to battle" Falkner yelled out.

James: Are you serious?
Mai: It gets worse. Aside from an event Chikorita from a long time ago, Chikorita cannot learn Petal Dance at all. It can only learn it once it evolves into a Meganium. Granted, the anime took liberties with moves, but this "His Chikorita can't use Vine Whip, but mine can use Petal Dance!" nonsense is simply... a game breaker.
Rory: Well, the worst is happening. Now, where's that Legendary...

"Good job Chikorita, return… You are strong…" Ash looked shocked that his Chikorita was taken out in one hit when it was even a grass move being used.

Axl: She's not strong, she's a Sue. She just broke the damn game... er, anime!

"Charizard I choose you!" Ash yelled out as his fully evolved Pokémon appeared in front of me. "Nice choice, I have one myself.

Mai: *grouchy* Oh, shut up!
James: *laughs*

For this I will then use Ninetales" I called out as my stunning fox Pokémon took the stage.

Rory: You're boring me. You're boring the audience. A bag of dog poop that's on fire has a better personality than you do.
Axl: *guffaws*

"A Ninetales huh… Alright use Flamethrower!" Ash commanded I just smirked. "Psychic" I spoke as Ninetales attack controlled the fire attack sending it back double power. Charizard took all the damage and then fainted.

James: Another one hit K.O.? Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. By the way, can Ninetales use Psychic in the games?
Mai: Surprisingly, it can't. However, it can learn Extrasensory as a Vulpix, and a Ninetales in the anime did indeed use Psychic.

"Charizard…" Ash's voice started to shake. I don't think he was expecting my Pokémon to be this strong… But I have been at this longer then him.

All: Oh, criminy! Shut up!
Axl: It's only the first chapter, and we're already tired of your boring Sue ass! Shut up!

"Thank you Charizard… Return" Ash smiled. I could tell he loved his pokemon deeply.

Mai: And we could tell that you're full of it, but who's really counting?

"Your Charizard is very strong, I could tell by the beautiful flamethrower it preformed." I grinned. "Thanks Haine… Your Pokemon are amazing, let's see how your pokemon hold up against my best friend. Pikachu are you ready?" Ash asked. "Pika" Pikachu agreed.

James: Rest in Poké, Pikachu.

"Alright then I will use my oldest friend" I winked as I through out the Pokeball. "Rai" Raichu greeted everyone. "I thought Chikorita was your starter?" Ash questioned.

Rory: Uh-oh. Juniper's coming for your butt.
Axl: Oh, yeah. Her starter is a Pichu, after all.

"She was, but when I was a little girl my dad found a pokemon egg and out hatched a Pichu, I then took her on my journey after I got my Chikorita and well she got really strong." I replied.

Rory: ...that's almost how she got her Pichu!
James: Seriously?
Rory: Yeah. Her mom raises Pokémon in a nursery, and she got a Pichu egg for her birthday.

"Its color looks different?" Misty questioned, "Yes this Raichu is a Shiny" I replied. "What does that mean?" Ash asked. "A Shiny pokemon are pokemon who have a different coloring. They are very rare." Falkner replied.

Mai: Ash and Misty should already know what different colored Pokémon look like. Didn't they see one when Ash released his Butterfree? They also saw the Pokémon that ate those Pinkan Berries in the Orange Islands.
Axl: It gets worse. The first true Shiny that Ash saw was his Shiny Noctowl. This Sue basically cut right in front of him to show off her Sue Mons first!
Rory: Man, this is stupid.
James: This whole fic is stupid.

"Well Pikachu, let's get going, use quick attack!" Ash commanded again. "Raichu Hyper Beam" I spoke as a powerful beam hit Pikachu sending it flying… I ended up catching it in my arms.

James: What the flying fu--
Rory: Wow. Just... wow. This was dumb. This wasn't even a battle. You know, Akiko would be booing loudly if she sat through this crap.

"PIKACHU!" Ash cried out as he ran up to me. "Here you go… I hope he is okay…" I said with a look of concern on my face.

Mai: You're concerned... after you obliterated him with a Hyper Beam?! Are you a sadist or something?!

"He will be… Thanks." Ash smiled back. "So looks like you will be coming with us for a bit." Misty smiled. "Yep" I nodded.

After I said goodbye to my dad and Falkner again, the four of us headed out. I could tell that this was going to be the start of something.

Rory: Yeah, it's the start of a nightmare.
Axl: They're not going to heal his Pokemon, are they?
James: Nope.

Chapter 2

"Is the food ready yet?" I whined.

Mai: ...I'm going to beat you to death with a skillet.

"In a few seconds." Brock replied. "Could you be anymore impatient?" Ash said smugly. "Oh like you're one to talk" I shot back. "What was that?" Ash jerked up, "You heard me!" I yelled back. Misty had to end up pulling us apart. It had been two weeks since we had been traveling together. Things were going great besides this band of idiots known as Team Rocket, who keep trying to steal Pikachu.

James: At least they're better written than you are.
Rory: Shots fired!

However since I joined they haven't gotten very far. My Wigglytuff knows a lot of long distance attacks and REALLY doesn't like them.

Axl: Uh... that's not that big of an accomplishment. They also didn't need your help to begin with. They've dealt with the trio so many times that they know their tricks. You're really not as special as you think you are, Snowflake Sue.

What seems to be most troubling is Ash… I just don't know what to think. He is such a hot head; he is reckless and acts without thinking. He is dense and doesn't understand girls at all. He just makes me worry so much!

Rory: And in a true form of "twu luv", you have to insult the love interest. This ditz ain't amused, Mary Sue.

But he is kind, caring loyal and one of the greatest guys I have ever met. Now here is the fun part… I think I like him.

James: That's not fun at all. Aside from an early episode, there's a reason why he's a bit oblivious to love.
Mai: True. He's had a whole slew of girls who fell for him, and he never noticed. Even some Pokémon fell for him. He still hasn't noticed. The fact that this is set up as an Ash/Mary Sue fic is a giant problem.

Every time he smiles at me my heart races and I feel like I can't breathe.

Mai: That's not love. You're having a heart attack.
Axl: *laughs*
Rory: By the way, how old is the Sue?
Axl: According to an OC profile card, she's sixteen.
James: And she's crushing on a ten year old?! You know, I wouldn't say much about this if they were adults, but here? Yeah, that's creepy.
Rory: Wait, Brock was told that she's too young for him. It's assumed that he's around seventeen or so. So... what's this, then?
James: Double standards, mate.

"Something wrong?" Ash asked, "No nothing at all" I blushed as I waved franticly. I knew though… I couldn't be here much longer… I had heard that the Pokemon Contests were starting up in the Hoenn region and I knew that was where I was meant to be. I guess this means I had to say goodbye to my new friends. I really cared about them all and I knew Chikorita felt the same way.

Rory: ...wait, what? There's no development! How the heck are we supposed to know if they're friends? Seriously, she Sued out a battle out of Ash, crammed herself into the group, and paraded herself around like she was the best thing since sliced bread! Seriously, a freakin' toddler could beat that version of Team Rocket!
Axl: No, you're talking about the Hoenn and Sinnoh versions of the Team Rocket Trio.
Rory: Heh. Also, we're suddenly told that she loves him? With no development?
Mai: Character development is a myth. Bad writers just love to shove a bunch of nonsense down our throats and claim that it's a story.

"You guys… There is something I need to tell you." I spoke. "What is it Haine?" Misty asked. "I have to leave you guys now…" I smiled softly.

James: *applauds* Whoo! Yes! Jump off a cliff and don't come back!

"Why is that?" Brock asked in shock. "Please don't go I love having another girl around!" Misty proclaimed.

Axl: She needs to go. How the heck else can she continue to be the best Mary Sue who ever Mary Sued?

"Haine…" Ash just spoke. "I love being with you guys don't get me wrong but I have to head off to another region to start doing Pokemon contests." I replied. "What is that?" Ash asked. "They are where you show off your Pokemon's beauty instead of its power, it's a big thing in the Hoenn region." I replied.

Mai: Do not tell me that she's easily going to win these Contests.
James: You're really expecting her to put effort into this, Mai?
Mai: Of course not. She's already a Champion. Why not bore the audience further with her perfect pixie self?
Rory: She's two seconds away from farting rainbows out.

"Well I understand but I'm going to miss you." Misty smiled as she hugged me. "We will see each other again for sure!" Brock gave me the thumbs up.

Axl: Unfortunately. This fic is in the first person, after all.

"You will do great…" Ash smiled at me as a tear fell from his eye.

All: Oh, no!
Miyu: *peeks inside the room* Pardon me, but did someone just litter?
All: *shaking their heads*
Miyu: Oh. Okay, then. *adjusts her apron* Don't mind me, I'm just baking some cakes for a friend's gathering. Enjoy your fic. *leaves*

"Ash…" I spoke as I watched tears fall from his eyes, tears then started to well up in mine. "GOODBYE" Ash cried out as he ran the other way. "ASH!" I cried out. Brock held me back as I turned to face him. "He will be okay, he's just not good with goodbyes…" Brock said as he put his hand on my shoulder.

James: That's okay, we just don't understand what the bloody hell's going on.
Rory: I'm lost. He's running off in tears, which means that he loves her back?
Mai: It's Cheesy Fanfic Land, so the answer is yes.
Rory: I don't get it.
Mai: You're not supposed to get it, Rory. They love each other because reasons.

"I guess I should go then… But please give this to Ash for me" I spoke as I handed Brock the ribbon I had clutched in my hand. "What is this?" Misty asked. "Something very important to me, I want him to hold on to it and tell him it means he must promise to see me again to return it." I smiled as I let go of the little red ribbon. "Goodbye then…" I waved as I then ran off. I didn't want to say goodbye to any of them… especially Ash.

Axl: We know that you wanna have his kids, you creep.
Rory: Must... purge... thought from brain... *pours Bleepka on his head*

[Ash's Point of View]

I just kept running… I couldn't say goodbye to her. This wasn't like saying goodbye to my Butterfree or Primape, this was different…

Axl: ...like the spelling for "Primeape".

I just couldn't explain it.

Mai: Stop this tomfoolery.
Axl: Ooh, boy, we have a big problem. Ash would never put him saying goodbye to a Mary Sue over his Pokémon or any of his friends. Sure, he'll be emotional, but he'll never rank those moments.

Just then I felt an electric shock. "PIKA" Pikachu used thunderbolt on me. He then ran up to me and smacked me. "Pika pi Pikachu" Pikachu stated… He was right I shouldn't have ran… Haine didn't deserve that.

James: Fuck Haine, why the hell is Pikachu out of character like that?!
Mai: Because he somehow hurt the feelings of his "twu luv".
Rory: Hey, maybe she did need to go. She's even warping the Pokémon out of character.

"Thanks pal…" I smiled as he jumped onto my shoulders, I then ran back. I needed to say goodbye properly and make her promise to see me again.

Rory: Why bother? She's gone.
Axl: Maybe an Elgyem abducted her.
Mai: We're three regions too early for that. Also, that would've made a better ending.

As soon as I arrived back Haine was gone.

James: *sarcastically* Shocker!

"Where is she?" I asked.

Mai: Unfortunately, the answer is not "Sparkly Sue Heaven".

"She had to go Ash…" Misty said with a sad look on her face. "But she wanted me to give this to you" Brock stated as he handed me a small red ribbon with a gold plate on it. "What is this?" I asked. "It's Haine's and she said it's very important to her. She wanted you to hold on to it as a promise to see her again." Brock smiled, I smiled back. "Thanks guys."
I guess I would have to wait to see her again, but I knew one day I will, and maybe next time I will figure out why she makes me feel so weird.

Axl: Right in the tingly bits.
Rory: *chugs Bleepka*
James: We're getting arrested.
Mai: Uh-huh. And by the way... *smacks Axl with her rolled-up newspaper*
Axl: Ow!

[Haine's Poing of View]

James: The hell's a "poing"?
Rory: It's that sound that comes out every time Cassy scares me and I hit my head on my workstation.
Axl: Man, you really are hard-headed.

Chikorita and myself were now on the ferry to the Hoenn region.

Mai: ...did she teleport? Where were we before?
Rory: Beats me.

I have a feeling that Ash will come here next so in order to see him again I must get stronger.

Axl: How? You already broke the damn anime! What's next?
Rory: I'm serious, she's getting a Legendary!
James: Mate, in any other situation, I'd scoff at you. Unfortunately, I'm starting to believe that you're right.
Mai: Never doubt a poorly written character, James. They're always going to break whatever they can get their grubby little hands on.

"So Chiki ready to enter some contests and become a top coordinator?" I sang. "Chika" Chikorita agreed. I wonder what new Pokemon I will catch, I really cant wait.

Rory: *in a singsong voice* She's gonna get a Legendary...
Axl: Did you read ahead?
Rory: Nope. It's just this gut feeling that I can't shake off.

A day later we had finally arrived. I saw a bunch of new Pokemon fly over me as we walked off of the boat.

James: And then they shat on her head.

It was then time to head out. I wonder if I should get some gym badges while I'm at it? Why not after all I am here, who says I cant do both Contests and Battles. I don't think I'm going to enter anymore Pokemon leagues… I don't even think I'm allowed. "Oh well" I sang as Chikorita and myself started our new journey.

Mai: *glares at the screen* ...I still hate you.
James: Get in line, Mai. It's probably going to get dumber.
Axl: "Probably" is a real understatement, man.

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