Mystery Science Theater En Masse: The Movie

Super Special 1: A Cruel Angel's Thesis (Part Thirty)

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Note: Manic, Axl, and Rory will be your main riffers for this chapter.

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Chapter 30 - Can You Celebrate?

Manic, Axl, Rory: No.
Manic: I'm not celebrating this crap.

Kyo creaked through the antique halls of the shrine, breathing in the fresh summer breeze that rustled his short hair. But it felt as if the air burned his lungs.

Rory: *confused* Did he walk into a house fire?
Axl: Well, he does have the intelligence level of a coffee mug, so yeah. He probably did.

"Kira, I called Chizuru san right now. She'll anounce the re-opening of the tournaments next week."
"Thanks...."
Kira said, sitting in a room that was open on one side to the gardens for the winds to pass through. Iori remained stretched on the hard tatami* floor of the room, still motionless.

Kyo K.: Oh. So he is dead.
Manic: Oh, so he's in his Disney Death mode. Yeah, he's coming back.
Rory: Hey, there's a footnote. What's a... tatami?
Emi: It's a type of mat that is used in Japanese-style rooms, Mr. Hancock.
Rory: Oh.

A piece of paper rested on his chest.
".......The fuda doesn't work anymore....his soul has already left the body......"
"Then he....!!?"
"............."

Manic: *yelling* You're going to revive him!
Axl: Man, this "twu luv" stuff is stupid.
Rory: What's the point of this stuff if he's just going to come back to life?
Axl: Um... because... reasons, Rory.

The murmurs of the lush leaves vainly filled the silence. Kyo uneasily sat in the hallway by the open garden, where Yuki was placed. He took his jacket off and put it on her fragile body.

Axl: Okay, I'm really tired of seeing the women in this fic being described as "fragile".

"I'm....supposed to be a goddess, right....?"

Axl: You misspelled "big ass Mary Sue", Suethor.

"Kira?"
Kyo turned around to see Kira's back shaking. She lifted her hand, and a magnificent magatama emerged from her palm.
"The eight magatama has united and now rests in my body....though I control my blood, I'm the Orochi now....able to control and manipulate the forces of nature at my will................but.....!"
She raised her hand, clenching the stone.

Manic: Well, you've controlled and manipulated the cast and the canon, so why is this surprising to you now?

"What's the meaning of being a goddess if I fail to protect the one I value the most!!!?"
The stone shattered at the forceful impact with the ground into eight colorful pieces.

Axl: You don't value him. You have no chemistry with him. This is one of the most unrealistic relationships that I've had the misfortune of suffering through.
Rory: Ax? That's not how you say "Benji and Michiru".
Axl: Pfft...
Manic: *chuckles* Hey, Rory's got a point, man.

"What the....!? Eight magatama!?"

Rory: Wow, someone finally counted to eight in this dumb fic! Took 'em long enough!

"The eight souls of the eight Orochi warrior.......I don't want such power........"
The spheres rolled on the floor, then melted into the air.

Axl: Hey, look. She's trying to be humble again.
Manic: It's... not working.
Rory: We know.

"Where did they go?"
"............to parasite on another soul.....probably their old bodies. Technically, an Orochi warrior has two lives--one as a human and one as an Orochi. Even if the magatama is forced out of their bodies, the warrior can resume their lives as a human. I have disowned their souls, though, so the magatama are probably returning to their original owners...that is, unless they've already died once or their human souls strongly resent the magatama."

Rory: That... doesn't make any sense.
Manic: What kind of messed up logic is this? Once an Orochi warrior dies, they stay dead. Well, at least that was true in the Orochi Saga.
Axl: So... you released them... so they can own other bodies... thus continuing the cycle of Orochi's awakening. *sarcastically claps* Damn, you're so smart!

The leaves of the mightly cherry blossom trees outside shook violently from a brief gust of wind. The shrine stood still.

Axl: *sarcastically* Yeah, thanks for telling me that. I was worried that the shrine was made of toothpicks or something.

"...........How did Iori get out of the barrier I made anyway? That was supposed to repel any physical assaults...."
"........."

Manic: Because "twu luv". Duh.

Kyo stared at Kira's shaking body, and was for a moment hesitant to speak, but he finally broke his silence. He coughed the words out into the painfully brisk air.
"He............Yagami was banging on the wall all the while you and Orochi (Izanagi) were fighting.

Rory: Uh, number one, we didn't need "(Izanagi)" there. Number two, they barely fought. All we got was "it was too fast for the human eye". That wasn't a fight. That was... well...
Akiko: Lame.
Rory: Yeah.

I told him to stop it since we probably couldn't get out, but he didn't. Then before I knew it, he broke out. If the barrier was to repel physical attacks, then I guess he was using some other, spiritual power, like my sword.....to save you....."

Manic: Yeah. "Twu luv".
Kyo L.: I call it "bullshit".
Axl: Why not both?

Kira didn't turn to face Kyo or even moved.
"Heh, he, of all people called me a coward. To tell the truth, he was right.

Kyo K.: Are you kidding me? You have the brain power of a scratch-n-sniff sticker! You are not me at all!

I couldn't move in that damned cell of yours, I was too scared to get out there and fight with a god.

Rory: Kyo... scared? Oh, yeah, he's way OOC.

But he wasn't. I....I couldn't move when I though.....who would protect Yuki if I went too?"

Axl: Oh, now you care about Yuki.
Tails: Dummy.

".....Ironic, isn't it?" Kira chuckled slightly, with no spirit. We fight to protect the ones we love, and yet, that love weighs us down at times...."

Manic: What love?! We haven't seen a single shred of romantic development between the Sue and Iori! They were only together just because the story said so!

"You two were willing to die for each other, and I just stood there in the safety of your shelter shivering my ass off. I guess there was no space for me to sqeeze in between you two in the first place....."
Kyo shrugged to himself and shifted his eyes to the churning sea of trees that flowed around the shrine.

Rory: Okay, what the hell is up with this shilling? This does not make any sense at all!
Manic: You know the drill; someone has to praise them for being the best couple ever. It's a Sue thing, Rory.

A small ball of light emerged in front of Kira's face. A bright, transparent magatama.
"Bahamut..........."
"That's your soul...?"
Kira silently nodded to Kyo.

Axl: She has no real soul, so this'll have to do.

"I disowned you...I don't want any more power......it's all worthless now....."
The tiny stone glittered in the breeze, as if listening to its owner's words.
"You're not gonna leave me?"
She raised her hand again, and the stone nestled in her palm.
"................."
The stone shimmered in Kira's palm again. Kira blankly stared at the magatama than was once possessed in Iori's body.
"A soul.......my soul, this magatama......I did this a long time ago..............maybe...."

Manic: Maybe what? Can we get to reviving someone out of their little Disney Death here?

".........n...."
Kyo, startled at the sudden noise, looked down at Yuki, who has finally awakening from her long slumber.

Rory: And then the first thing she did was scream in terror. Why? Because she's still in this fic!

"Yuki!"
"...........huh? Kyo? Where am I????"
She looked around the shrine, and noticed the familiar girl sitting a distance away from her.
"!! Kira san! Are you alright!??"
"Yeah, don't worry about me."
Yuki sighed her relief out seeing Kira's usual smile.

Axl: Of course she said that. She only said that so the fic can keep the spotlight on that boring Sue.

"Kyo," Kira turned towards the two.
"Hm?"
"If the tournament's gonna resume, you guys should return to Tokyo and get ready."
"Eh?

Mai, Axl: *sighs, sings* O go to Hell...
Axl: *pours maple syrup over a stack of waffles* Might as well. Waffles make me feel better.

Yeah, but....."
Kyo glanced towards Iori.
"You're worried about him? An enemy of the Kusanagi?"
"Yeah, I'm worried...funny, isn't it? But I really don't give about this Yagami-Kusanagi thing. He's a good fighter, and my only rival....."
Kyo laughed at himself and scratched his head. Kira smiled again.

Rory: Um... Kyo doesn't even like Iori. Now he's shillin' him, too?
Manic: Damn, he's hit Son Goku levels of brain power. Might as well say that you like to take walks in the park with Vegeta while you're at it!

"I see..............leave everything to me......"
"Eh?"

Mai: Can I just stab him now?
Axl: Go ahead, because I'm not wasting my fork on that idiot.

"I'm.....a goddess, right?"

Manic: No, you're a giant Mary Sue! Rory, tell her what she's won!
Rory: *in a sparkling suit* She's won... a beating? Whoa, that's harsh.
Axl: Rory... why are you wearing that? You look ridiculous.
Rory: Hey, I can sparkle brighter than any Mary Sue in this suit, Ax.

"......Kira, you're not going to....."
Kyo stared into her eyes, which gleamed the blue of the sky. He smiled to himself.

Miyu: Oh, my goodness, there's been nothing but smiling for the last few descriptions! It's like I'm reading "Sabrina's Adventure 2" all over again!

"Heh, what am I worried about? You seem you have a plan, and what plan of a goddess won't work?"
He looked down at Iori, and the magatama that Kira held, and glanced back at her.

Manic: Oh, shut up. Just stop with the wanking. Please.

".....lucky bastard Iori...."
Kyo chuckled to himself again, remembering he said that a long time ago.

Axl: Actually, he's incredibly unlucky. But then again, this is a Mary Sue fic, and logic is illegal in them.

"Kira, we'll be waiting for you two in Tokyo, then. And tell Yagami I'll be waiting in the ring this time."
Seeing the usual tone of her friend return, Kira smiled.

Rory: Again with the smiling!
Jessie: If she smiles again, I'm going to kick her teeth in.
Cassy: *laughs*

"Sure."
"Yuki, let's go."
"Huh? O...okay...."
Kyo hopped into the garden and helped Yuki get on her feet.
"Uh, Yuki chan?"
"Yes?"
"Can I ask your last name before you go?"
"Huh? Why?"
"Just curious......."

Axl: No, you're not. Stop lying.

"Yayoi, it's Yayoi Yuki."
"I thought so..."
Kira smiled herself.

Jessie: *repeatedly kicks Kira*
Manic, Axl, Rory: *stunned*
Jessie: You said that she won a beating, didn't you, Rory?
Rory: *nods*
Jessie: I thought so.

"Kyo, take care of my sister for me, ok?"
"...Sure."

Manic, Rory: Ax?
Axl: I should've put two and two together. I turned my brain off on purpose so we could tackle KOF's Orochi myth. The actual Queen Himiko apparently was a ruler during the Yayoi period.
Manic: Also... not only does this Sue not know what "childhood friend" means, she also doesn't know what "sister" means. I'm not talking about "sorority sister" or friends who are like sisters, but blood sisters.
Rory: Hey, she knows something!
Manic: And what's that?
Rory: Nothing. She actually knows nothing.
Axl: *snickers*

"I never imagined I'd end up doing this again."
Kira slipped the magatama onto Iori's pale hand and grasped them together with her own hand.
"But if it's the only way, then I'll gladly do this.............."
Their hands began to glow as the stone began to sink into his palm.
"You've overcome your blood once, Yagami Iori, you can surely do it again.."

Axl: Of course he did. He's been warped into a Gary Stu in this fic. Of course he'd easily overcome the Riot of the Blood!

She felt the stone completely melt from her sensation and into him.
"And if you lose control, then I'll........................"

Axl: Die? You'll die?
Kyo L.: I hope so! Please die in a fire, Sue! Especially the one that I started!
Miyu: *extinguishes the fire with her psychic powers*
Kyo L.: Really, Miyu?
Miyu: Really, Kyo.

The breeze rustled her hair as she patiently waited. Suddently, the hand she held twitched.
"!!"
Iori lifted his heavy head from the floor and sat upright, grasping his forehead.
".......Kira? What the? How can I be alive....!??"

Rory: Because "twu luv".
Manic: Of course the Sue would revive him. Nobody in this theater was surprised at this crap!

He frantically searched her face for an explaination, but Kira only answered him with her smile.
"Ohayo (good morning), Iori....."

Axl: Jeez, if she keeps smiling like that, we might as well staple her cheeks so she can stay that way.
Kyo L.: I'll do it.
Miyu: Kyo... you really need to stop torturing people.
Kyo L.: I don't torture random people, I torture horrible Sues and Stus. Big difference, Miyu.

"What was that all about, Kyo?"
"Huh??"
"About the sisters stuff...."
"Oh, that?"
They were now far from the shrine, on thier way to the nearest train station, but for now, Kyo and Yuki enjoyed the silence that surrounded them.
"It's a LO---NG story, Yuki."

Rory: *as Kyo* It's also dumb. Don't worry about it.

"Hm??"
Yuki thought about it for a while, feeling the crunching of the pebbles under her feet.

Manic: This is probably the only time where a character will actually think. Enjoy that.

"Then, let's change the subject....did you like Kira san?"
"What!?"
Kyo almost fell flat on his face.
"Now cough it out! Did you like her?"
"..............."
Kyo puffed his cheek, acting as if he was pouting, and hurried down the road.

All: That's a yes.

"Ah, wait for me!"
Yuki trudded along. He abruptly turned around, and flashed his usual childish smile to him.
"That's a secret!"

Axl: Oh, bite my furry tail. You were gonna dump her just so you could hook up with the Sue.

"I wonder what's gonna happen to Yagami kun......"
"You're worried of him?"
"For Kira san's sake, sure."

Rory: *annoyed* Of course everyone's thoughts have to go back to how the Sue is feeling. Everything's gotta be about her stupid butt.

"You knew about it!?"
"About what?"
"........nothing."
"Hm, Kusanagi kun!" Yuki pushed Kyo's nose with her finger.
"That's a secret only girls know how to figure out!"

Manic: Okay, why is he surprised that Yuki knows about the Sue when the Sue herself used Yuki to guilt Kyo in Chapter 13... you know what, I give up. Pod Kyo's just so stupid.
Axl: Yeah, he made Rory look like a rocket scientist this whole time.
Rory: *makes a face* Oh, that made me feel slightly better.

Rory: And then he fell over. Too bad that the revival was a one time only thing.

"I never knew this shrine was so.....big....."
"Well, it is 15 years since you came here last time."
"Yeah.........."
The sunlight was bright here, as usual, but Iori didn't care that much about it this time.

Manic: He will when he's being fried like a chicken.
Rory: Eh, I don't want to deal with that. I'll settle for the biscuits.

"So what are you gonna do now, Kira?"
"Me? Well....I don't think I can enter the tournament with my teammates in the hospital....'guess I'm gonna withdraw this time. I should take care of them...."
"Your friends...."

Axl: Wait, she finally mentioned her groupies?
Rory: Surprising, huh? And why does she need to withdraw? She's a Mary Sue, I thought that she could easily beat everyone by herself!
Manic: That so-called humbleness is at work again. I bet you that she's only withdrawing so the canon winners can remain as the canon winners.

"Or, I can enter the tournament making a tag team with you!"
Kira giggled as Iori rolled his eyes.

Rory: You've already ruined him. Don't make it any worse.
Manic: Too late.

"God, don't. I'll never be at ease if that happened. What about after the tournament?"
"Hmmm...finish my degree, I guess..."
"And then?"
"I don't know. I'll probably return here, where I belong."

Axl: Oh, so she's going back to the underworld like the actual Izanami in the Japanese Creation Myth? Well, good riddance.

"Alone again?"
"As I was taught to do long ago."
"...................."
Silence.
"Stay in Tokyo."
"Eh?"

Mai: *mutters* Go to Hell.
Axl: See, even my sister wants you to go back to the underworld, Sue.

Silence again. Iori turned his face away from Kira, and she giggled at the sight.
"What are you trying to tell me, Iori?"
"Never mind!"
Iori, glad that his bangs hid his red face, scurried to his feet and began to walk away. Kira jumped off onto the pebbled garden and followed him.
"Iori! I won't know what you want me to do if you don't tell me!"
"Just use your imagination and fill in the blanks then!"

Manic: He wants to bone you again! Jesus, Sue! You can read minds, you stupid dummy!

"Hmph, you're so stubborn."
The shrine slowly sank into the mountain's vegetation as they walked away from the ancient building.
"Iori!"
"What now?"
"I'll......we'll be waiting for you!"
".............."
Iori continued to walk, and then abruptly stopped. He slowly turned towards Kira, standing behind him. Her hand rested on her abdomen.

Manic: Uh...
Rory: *confused* Huh? "We"? Who's "we"?
Axl: The Sue's pregnant, Rory.
Rory: ...well, balls, man.
Manic: Well, that's how she got pregnant. From his balls.
Axl: *laughs*
Manic: And since this is a Mary Sue fic, she's going to have a girl.
Rory: Why a girl?
Manic: Mary Sues always have girls, Rory.
Axl: It's even worse when you consider that she's conveniently pregnant after he overcame his Riot of the Blood. That's number one. Number two, she slept with him when he still had the potential to undergo the Riot of the Blood, despite removing his magatama. Number three... the Yagami curse says that she's supposed to give birth to a son, not a daughter. And number four, she's supposed to die once she gives birth. But of course we can't have that, because this is a Mary Sue fic.
Manic: So this means that he gave up the curse just so the Sue can't die?
Axl: Yep.
Kyo L.: And that's what we call pure bullshit.

"....what did you say?"
"Iori, can you celebrate?"

Rory: *with a megaphone* Just for that title drop, I'm beating you with this megaphone once I finish this sentence!
Axl: *laughs*

Manic: *confused* What the? Why?! If we actually went to the actual KOF '97 game, then that makes this entire fic moot!
Axl: So... we're going to read this fic, and then play KOF '97... where they'll have to fight three of the four Heavenly Kings and Orochi all over again.
Rory: So this fic really is a bad dream that we can wake up from! Yes!
Manic: Man, you're happy about this, Rory.
Rory: Hey, the fic's moot. I have a right to be happy, you know.

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