Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Three Riffers, Episode 8: The New Girl (KRZR24 version) (Part One)

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Chapter 1

This is my first fanfic, so pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase don't be to critical or whatever.

Amy: Oh, boy. We always end up getting the "don't critique my work" stuff, huh?
Sonic: Author should be lucky that Kyo isn't here.
Tails: Which one?
Sonic: Both of 'em.

Sega owns all the characters except Sasha, who I made up.

Tails: I think that's obvious.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRING

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRING!!

"URG, WHO THE HELL CALLS PEOPLE AT FIVE IN THE FREAKIN' MORNING" said a certain pink fangirl.

"Who the Hell are you and why are you calling me at 5 in the morning??"

Tails: Hello. We're with Microsoft Technical Support...
Sonic: The editor's going to come after your butt in a minute, Tails. I hope you're ready.

"Is that what you say to your favorite cousin?"

"No. . . but it is what I say to people when they call me randomly before waking. If you really want to, hang up and call me in a minute and than you'll get a happy answer. . . . Hello?"

Amy: It's been four measly speaking lines, and I already don't like her. It's okay for her to be rude, but when she gets called out, she acts like a brat.
Sonic: Great. So Kathryn does have clones. And why the heck are they all related to you, Ames?
Amy: How should I know? *as she brings out her Piko Piko Hammer* I only know that they all need to be flattened!

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRING!!

"Hiya Sasha!!" Amy said with fake cheeriness.

Tails: If Amy strangles her, I will not be surprised.

"Hiya Amy!!"

"How ya doin'?"

"I've been better?

"Good. Why'd you call me?"

"Can't a person call their favorite cousin without a reason?"

All: No.

"No."

All: Thank you.
Sonic: Especially since it's five in the mornin', you rude jerk. If it's not an emergency, don't call me.

"Fine, I'll tell you. Party pooper.

Amy: *mutters* I'm going to shove my hammer down your throat.

Anyways, remember how I told you that once a year I'll randomly pop into your house?"

"Oh God no."

"Oh yes. My train is gonna be at Station Square in five minutes. See ya there!"

Amy: Is this ninny high on Pixy Stix?! What is going on here?!

Who on Earth gets a train ride at 5 in the morning, Amy thought as she got dressed. Apparently, Sasha does. She glanced down at her watch and checked her schedule. Damn it, I'm gonna be late for Sonic's 6 AM run. Which is worse: missing Sonic's run, or missing Sasha's train. The train. Oh well Sonic. I still can catch you at your 8 AM chilli-dog-stand-buffet-thing-whatever-you-call-it. YAH!!

Tails: Why is my head hurting?
Sonic: Welcome to the worst fic of your riffing career.

And with that, Amy Rose went to pick up her one-day-younger cousin Sasha, not knowing about the things to come. . .

Sonic: Like her falling off of a cliff?
Tails: Then this fic would be over.
Amy: Tails? When you've been riffing as long as we have... you would wish for things to be over quickly.
Tails: Like the time when we were all miserable during the Benji fic? And that long movie?
Sonic: Exactly, buddy.

Chapter 2

"AMY!! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG??"

Tails: Sorry that she had to get up at five in the morning!

"Well, considering the fact that I had to clean up my place and stuff, it didn't take long. Anyways, if you told me this A DAY EARLIER SASHA, I would have picked you up ON TIME."

"Oh, I know. It's okay; I was just trying to spark your guilty conscience."

"I really hate you sometimes."

Amy: I agree, me.

"Thanks, I try.

Sonic: *as Sasha* Tee-hee! Isn't it great when I can work your nerves? I'm so likeable! Tee-hee!
Amy, Tails: *stares at Sonic*
Sonic: I know, I know, I'll toss myself out of the window in a bit.

Long time no see. I noticed that after TWO YEARS since I've seen you, you still haven't changed from that horrendous dress we used to wear when we were what, 12? Yeah. And now we're 15 and you still haven't updated your wardrobe? W-O-W"

Amy: *as she adjusts her Boom dress* Kiss my grits.
Sonic: *snickers*

"Sasha?"

"Mhm?"

"I came over to your house last week. Do you realize how stupid you sound saying that?"

"Yeah . . .so?"

Tails: We are two chapters in, and I think that I'm feeling irritated.
Amy: *gives Tails her hammer* Here. Hitting yourself with this will be less painful.

"Fine, grab your stuff. We have to hurry if I'm gonna see Sonic today."

"You're STILL chasing after him?"

"Well . . . yeah," Amy said while blushing slightly, "But cut me some slack I stopped asking him to marry me!"

Sonic: Well, she did! Round of applause for Ames here!
Amy: *as she sips her cream soda* Joy to the world.

"Well, I think I know one of the reasons why he still is ignoring you. But, if you want me to give you advice, you have to promise me to grow up and STOP WEARING FIVE YEAR OLD CLOTHING!! He probably doesn't notice that you've grown up because you don't dress like it!. . . HAHAHA I have an amazing solution!"

Tails: Oh, please do not tell me that dressing in skimpy clothing that she doesn't like is the solution.
Sonic: Oh, crap, we're going to head down the "dresses are bad" garbage route, are we?
Amy: Sonia will not be pleased.
Sonic: Just Sonia?

"Sasha, you're scaring me. . . what is it?"

"Do you still keep in contact with Blaze and Rouge?"

"Duh, we're like BFFs!!"

Tails: Chatspeak in fics?
All: No!

"Good. Call them ASAP and we will go have some retail therapy. Do you still want my advice?"

Amy: I sure as heck don't!

"Sure."

"Don't see that Sonic guy this morning. . . or at all today. In fact, don't contact him at all this week. If you run into him, it has to be purely a coinky-dink. Clear?"

Tails: As clear as your brain, Sasha.
Sonic: *cracks up*

Amy sighed. "Fine."

"Good, then let's go to your apartment and make plans for today. I feel the urge to go to the spa later on. . . Amy?? AMY?! Oh well I was hoping I wouldn't have to use this but. . .

AMY, TIME TO WAKE UP!!"

"JEEZ SASHA, SADISTIC MUCH?? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CARRYING AROUND A MEGAPHONE?? ARE YOU EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE NEIGHBORS??"

"Oh, oops. Remind me to beg for the neighbors' forgiveness. . . not.

Amy: *flatly* Can you please die in a ditch now? I hate you. I hate you a lot.
Sonic: Holy crap, she's so obnoxious.
Tails: *rubs his forehead* I'm way too young to ask for a drink, right?
Sonic: Nah, I think Bleepka's for every age. I mean, Amy chugged some once.
Amy: No, I didn't. Cassy drank most of it during that terrible part that Tails didn't see, remember?
Sonic: Oh, yeah... *shudders*

Anyways, we would have spent the whole day (with people staring at me outside) waiting for you to wake up if it weren't for my little friend here."

Tails: Oh, great, and now random people are stopping and staring at her because she's so special? Two words: Mary Sue.
Sonic: Almost there. We just need someone to kiss her butt, and we'll be all set.

"Ok, I understand. Let me unlock the door first."

And with that they entered into the magical world known as Amy's bedroom. . .

Sonic: Can I ask for a backup?
Amy: Unfortunately, we still haven't finished two parts, so... no backups yet.
Sonic: *groans in annoyance* Great.

Chapter 3

Sorry I didn't mention it, but I didn't really notice that I didn't put in their ages. Whoops. Here they are(I KNOW THEY AREN"T THE RIGHT AGES, BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE):

Sonic- 18

Knuckles-19

Amy- 15

Silver-18

Sasha- 15

Shadow-20

Sonic: Shadow. Twenty. He... *laughs loudly* He's not twenty! He's over fifty years old!
Tails: I'm starting to think that the Suethor will not take criticism...
Amy: Too bad.

Tails-13

Rouge(who comes in later)-20

Cream-11

Blaze(see Rouge)-17

btw: italics show thought

Sonic: Implying that the Sue thinks. Ha!
Amy: Wait, if certain characters all share the same age, why not save a few lines?
Tails: Convenience isn't a thing in fics like these.

MEANWHILE WITH OUR FAVORITE BLUE BLUR. . .

Sonic: Oh, please, no...

"TAILS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU," said a very displeased beauty-sleep deprived Sonic.

"Nothing, I'm just working on a new invention."

Tails: Oh, please, no...
Amy: Why not? I've already been tormented, now it's your turn! Have fun, boys!

"AGAIN?? Weren't you working on one last night too? And the night before"

"Yup, it's the same one!! And I think it's almost done. I only have to tweak a couple places and it should be ready!"

Tails: I don't need my machine to tell me that this is a poorly done knockoff of myself.
Amy: I guess you now know how Mr. Kusanagi feels.

"But couldn't you have waited before I wake up?"

Sonic: I think you meant after.

"Yes. . . but by then I probably would have lost it. Then I wouldn't be able to give it to Cream. . . oops."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, our little Tailsy is all grown up now. He's starting to like girls. (Sniffle sniffle) Pass me a handkerchief please. . . Thanks. I find it so hard to believe that you're growing up into a young man," snickered Sonic.

Sonic: ...when did I turn into Mordecai and Rigby? Seriously, I'm either, horny, stupid, or hungry in these bad fics!
Tails: I hope we don't go three for three in this thing.
Sonic: We've already hit "stupid". Two to go.

"Good thing I didn't wake up Silver or Shadow. . ." Tails said, hoping Sonic didn't hear. Too late.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO can I do the honors of waking them up??"

Sonic: Shut up, me! Jeez, I'm so obnoxious!
Tails: Trust us, you're not this terrible.
Amy: *nods*

"Wow, Sonic, I didn't think you'd be so enthusiastic to get your face bashed in so early in the morning, but if that's what floats your boat. . .have fun."

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!" And with that, he raced to get some cold water. . .

Amy: I have a headache.
Tails: Maybe we need Bleeprin.
Sonic: Is it the kind that'll just knock us into a coma?
Tails: I wish.

Two minutes later. . .

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! WHAT THE (insert inappropriate language)!! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT SONIC!! YOUR GONNA PAY YOU SON OF A (insert inappropriate language)!! CHAOS SPEAR!!"

"Sometimes, I wonder why he does it . . ." said a very calm Tails as he heard the resounding sound of objects breaking and the occasional cussing. . .

Amy: This fic is supposed to be under "Humor", right?
Tails: "Romance/Humor", yes.
Amy: Then why am I not laughing?
Sonic: Because this fic should be under "Horror/Tragedy".

"Hey Tails."

"Hi Knuckles, are you looking for something?"

Tails: I hope he's looking for the end of this fic.

"Yeah, I need your help with something but. . . why does it sound like stuff is breaking in here?"

". . ."

"Tails?"

"Oh, Sonic was just being an idiot and decided to wake up the 'Ultimate Life Form' by splashing some freezing water on him he was going to do the same to Silver. . . Hey Silver!"

Sonic: Why the heck would "I" do something that bone-headed?
Amy: Because fics like these love to turn you into a moron.
Sonic: No wonder the Black Crow said that when they riffed "Sabrina's Adventure 2".

"Hi Tails, hey Knuckles. . . why is Sonic getting beaten up by Shadow? And why did you say my name"

Tails: Because this fic needed to be even more random.
Sonic: *while reading a morse code book* Uh... uh... *attempts to send a code* Send... help...
Amy: Sonic... asking for chili dogs is not help.
Sonic: Yes, it is. You just don't understand my problems, Ames.

"Well, Sonic woke up when I was fixing one of my machines, and he decided to go try waking up Shadow and you for fun. Apparently he took some freezing water and splashed him with it. He was going to do the same to you, but he didn't think that Shadow might have wanted revenge. . . so that's what happened."

Tails: Thanks for holding our hands. Sure... wait, who asked that question?
Amy: Uh... Silver.
Tails: Thanks. Sure, Silver didn't know what happened, but when the scenes are being repeated to us, it's blatant padding!
Amy: Not only that, the lack of description is killing this fic.
Sonic: You're implying that the fic had a pulse to begin with, because it was dead from the beginning.

"Wow. . . hey Knuckles, wanna go see the fight?"

"Sure!"

"Go up without me, I'll be there in a couple seconds. . .hey Tails, do you know where the popcorn is?"

"Second cupboard on the left Silver."

"Your not coming with," asked Silver.

"Nah, I wanna finish this first. You mind taping it for me?"

"Nope, I'll give it to you when its done."

Amy: This is the most ridiculous fic that I've ever riffed so far. That's not a compliment.

Two hours of brutal beatings later. . . .

STOMP STOMP STOMP

Sonic stood up from the couch. "I think I'm gonna go take a run or something." Before he left, he checked the mirror. "Only one black eye. Hmm, not bad considering I got beat up by the not so ultimate 'Ultimate Life Form' for an hour or two. I think I'll make it. . . for now."

Sonic: *as himself* Hospitals? The heck are those?
Tails: That's... not humor. That's just plain abuse that's trying to be humor.
Sonic: Know what'll make me laugh? This fic abruptly ending.

Unlike most of his morning runs, Sonic felt like something was wrong, like he was. . . incomplete.

All: *points to their heads*
Tails: He's missing one brain.
Amy: Like he even had one!

He knew that he had his shoes on, he had money for the chilidogs (like he needed it, the shopkeeper always gave him some for free for being a world wide hero), and he was wearing socks. Then he got it: he was one fangirl short. There was the usual crowd of girls screaming "SONIC I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU", the ones who tried to trip and grab him, but out of the pack, there wasn't a single Piko Piko hammer whacking most of the girls away.

Amy: Was I that obsessive?
Sonic: Um, er... *scratches his head* Answer that, Tails.
Tails: Well... you see... *mumbles*
Amy: *makes a face* Thanks.

I wonder where Amy is and what she's doing. . . wait what?? No I don't!! What am I thinking?? It's a relief not to have to run and occasionally jump from a crazy girl wielding a very painful 20 lb hammer. I gotta shake this feeling off. . . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO chilidogs!!

Tails: And there's "hungry".

And with that Amy Rose, Piko Piko hammers, and all other thoughts were forgotten.

Tails: Yeah, but the summary to this fic clearly has "Sonic/Amy" in it. So... thanks for the dead herring.
Sonic: I hate me.
Amy: Well, it's not you, Sonic. Just... someone who had too many whacks to the head.
Sonic: So I'm like that version of Kyo from the "Esaka Destiny" thing?
Amy: Unfortunately, yes.

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