Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 14: Sailor Moon and the Golden Key (Part Six)

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(Meanwhile back in the Golden City)

Sailor Time had locked Nacreia down in the dungeon until she could get in touch with her mother Queen Rosalina.

Emi: I'm sorry, what? I thought that Nacreia's true name was Caranovia. I also thought that Caranovia's mother was Taracova or Sailor Universe... not Queen Rosalina.
James: They forgot who her own fucking mum was?!
Jessie: They couldn't keep track of a proper plot, now they can't remember a basic family tree. Ugh... *facepalms*
Manic: Holy crap, this fic fails on like a billion levels.

“Let’s see I know she’s on the Moon so I’ll have to try their first. I really don’t want to go alone but I don’t have a choice. Galaxican Time Portal!” A portal opened up and Sailor Time stepped through it.

(Meanwhile on the new Nega Moon)

Queen Rosalina was searching all the rooms until she found this secret passage.

Jessie: Wasn't she supposed to be "Imea"? Oh, forget it.

She took the winding stairs all the way down and noticed that where it led to was a dungeon. She could tell that it wasn’t empty. Rosalina uses her sensor powers to detect the number of people in the room. She finds out that there is only one person in the whole entire dungeon.

James: And there are no guards? What?

She starts to walk and claps her hands and turns back into the maid her staff becomes a broom.

Emi: Wait, why did she discard her disguise in enemy territory?
Manic: *tired* I don't know. I don't care.

She walks to the cell where the prisoner is being held. “Who are you and what are you doing down here.” Cried Kathryn. “Relax I am merely a maid cleaning the upstairs quarters when I found this passage. Why are you down here by yourself? Shouldn’t you be up there fighting the big battle with your sisters.” Questioned Imea

All: *flatly* ...who was actually Queen Galaxy...

in an innocent voice. “What do you mean big battle?” asked Kathryn. “You know, the one they forgot to tell you about! Those people who are supposed to be your sisters. I’m not trying to turn you against them

Manic: And I'm the Pope.

but they are training Caranovia which they renamed Nacriea to take your place as the fourth Wicken Sister.” said Imea. “They’re replacing me? I have to get out of here I have to go and stop them!” shouted Kathryn.

Emi: Know what the sad thing is? This isn't that bad of an idea. Convincing an enemy to join your side would be a decent plot point.
Jessie: Uh-huh. *looks up* Now how will this be screwed up?

All of a sudden a Dark energy shocked Kathryn. Kathryn only winced at the pain it caused her. “What is this energy that keeps shocking you? Why is it doing this? How can it be stopped?” asked Imea. “Well all I know is Aurora put me down here because we captured this Earthling named Darien for some super secret thing Prince Orion and Princess Emma are trying to do. The only thing is they still need Serena another earthling some stardust and Aurora’s crystal. Aurora told me if I said anything I would get shocked and as far as I know she’s the only one who can stop the shocks.” Explained Kathryn.

James: Lady, she asked you about stopping the energy. She didn't ask for a plot point that we already fuckin' saw.

The dark energy shocked her again and she only winced. “What super secret thing are they trying to do?” asked Imea. “Alright I’ll tell you but don’t tell anyone Prince Orion and Princess Emma are planning to sacrifice Darien and Serena to have Princess Emma become a full Immortal and to have Caranovia forever on the dark side. And in their wedlock Sailor Universe will be no more!” exclaimed Kathryn.

Manic: One of us would usually say, "And that's a bad thing because...?" during something like this, but Serena and Darien would be sacrificed, so we're not going to bite.

“Do you trust me?” asked Imea. “Well, I don’t know! You see I don’t know you at all so how can I trust you?” asked Kathryn

Emi: And that's the smartest thing that anyone has ever said in this garbage so far.
Jessie: Yes... if you ignore the part where she spilled secrets about a minute ago.
Emi: Never mind, I take it all back. *facepalms* Criminy.

“Well, after finding out the truth that they are training Nacriea

Emi: I thought it was spelled "N-A-C-R-E-I-A".
James: E before I except who gives a bloody flying fuck.
Manic: Damn. Beta readers really are dead.

as a new Wicken sister where would you go from here? Would you consider helping out the good guys for revenge and make it a surprise in the end?” asked Imea. “Well alright only to get revenge.” Replied Kathryn. “Well, I can help you get out of here, but you have to make a little pact you see I need to make sure you trust me. Is what you just said the truth?” asked Imea. “Of course it’s the truth I wouldn’t lie if you can get me out of here!” exclaimed Kathryn.

Imea raises her hand with only her pinky up and starts to swirl it about forming a gold circle. A golden ring appears on both Kathryn’s and Imea’s hands (Pinkies).

Jessie: Their hands are all pinkies?
Manic: So are their feet.

“This is what you call the Goldia pact. I learned this when I was younger with my friends and I.” Imea said. “How does it work?” Kathryn asked. “Well when the pact is started you get this gold ring on your finger and it stays there as long as you are truthful to the others in the pact, but when you are dishonest the ring will disappear and you will appear back where you started from. Meaning you’ll be back here in this jail cell, and it only happens to the person who breaks the pact. Now that we have this pact you must promise to keep all the secrets and things I tell you to yourself and to no one else including my identity.” Imea said.

Emi: This would be interesting... but it's yet another power that was pulled out of nowhere.

“What do you mean your identity?” asked Kathryn. “This identity (taking the end of her broom and taping it twice on the floor)” said Imea.

Jessie: Excuse me? We needed that shit in parenthesis in the dialogue?
Manic: Anything to pad out that bloated word count. Jeez, I don't think the other two fics were this long.
Emi: They weren't.

Imea then turned into Queen Rosalina.

All: *unimpressed*
James: *sarcastically* We're bloody shocked.
Jessie: *bored* Color us surprised.

Kathryn is stunned noticing the two gold bracelets on Rosalina’s arms. “Oh, how should I introduce myself, my name is Queen Rosalina, Queen of the entire Galaxy!” exclaimed Queen Rosalina.

Emi: We got that, now get on with it.

“Wait, you’re the one Sailor Universe was talking about! If she was your protector, then who is protecting you now?” asked Kathryn.

Jessie: When you're a Mary Sue, do you really need protection?

“Well let’s just keep this chit-chat for later lets try to find away to get you out of here.” Said Queen Rosalina. She takes off her golden bracelets and clasps them onto the bars. She then stood over at the door of the cell and simply blew on it and it opened.

Manic: And then the bars were stuck in Kathryn's face. She instantly died. Galaxy took no responsibility because only peons take responsibility for their actions.

(Meanwhile)

Back in the dungeon, Nacriea was worried that the Wicken sisters weren’t doing very well.

Manic: This fic ain't doing so well, either.

“I have to get out of here. Guards!” called Nacriea. “What do you want Nacriea?” asked the guards.

All: We are legion.

“Please let me out of here I’m good now honest!” said Nacriea. “There’s no way were letting you out we have orders!” answered the guards. “Well if you let me out of here I’ll go and save my mother, I promise!” exclaimed Nacriea. “Well alright” said the guards.

Emi: *as Nacreia* Oh, yes, I'm suddenly good. Please don't hold me here forever. You'll have to take my word for it.
James: Hell, if only every prisoner could do that.
Jessie: Worst guards ever.

The guards then unlocked the cell door and Nacriea walked out thanks I better be on my way to Nakomia!

Manic: Where's the punctuation...?

Nacriean teleportation!” shouted Nacriea.

Manic: Oh... yeah, I think we're done with the "beta readers are dead" riffs now.

Little did the guards no that she was actually headed for Earth. The only thing that Nacriea never noticed that there was a thin gold ban on each of her arms, which would always tell Sailor Time her exact location.

James: Little did they know that a random plot twist happened! And little did she know that a random plot twist happened!
Jessie: This fic's better off having a Cliff Notes version.
James: And they'll still fuck that up.

(Meanwhile)

Back on Earth the scouts were still battling the evil Prince Orion. “How did… … you do that?” asked Prince Orion.

Emi: Plot Convenience Purse.

“Why would you like to see it again?” asked Sailor Jupiter.

Manic: No, we're fine.

“Oh no Destiny’s power stick it’s gone! One of them stole it from me! Destroy them Orion!” shouted Sailor Crescent.

Jessie: Why... did you bring it with you?

Together Prince Orion and Sailor Crescent say “Eternal Immortal Breakthrough!”

Emi: Um... what?
James: Don't ask.

All of a sudden a huge gigantic wave of dark energy rushed over the Sailor Scouts and knocked them all unconscious except Sailor Moon and Sailor Planet.

Jessie: Why am I not surprised that one of the Sues are still standing?

Serena was holding out her moon scepter with the crystal on it where it had protected her. “You’ll have to try a little hard than that Orion! You’ll never get Destiny’s power stick back so forget it!” shouted Sailor Planet. Just then a portal opened in the sky and out came Nacriea. “I’m back Orion!” said Nacriea. “How did you escape!?” asked Sailor Planet Puzzled.

Manic: Because someone had to be dumb to push the "plot" forward, Sailor Planet Puzzled.

“That’s none of your business! I’m going to… … ahhhhhh!” suddenly Nacriea changes to Sailor Destiny. “Destiny!” screamed Sailor Moon. “Please Planet give me my Power Stick I must change to my Immortal self!” demanded Sailor Destiny. Just as Sailor Planet was about to hand Destiny with her power stick, Prince Orion and Sailor Crescent said “Eternal Immortal Breakthrough!” A huge dark wave of energy hit the three sailors. This time it knocked out Sailor Moon, and the dark energy had given Destiny enough energy to turn back to Nacriea.

Jessie: Okay, now why am I not surprised that only the Sue managed to remain standing?
Emi: Because this fic's terrible. Also, these Suethors really made the Nega Moon arc even longer, did they?
James: It's the only canon arc that they probably know.
Manic: Even though they butchered it in the first fic.

(Meanwhile)

The shield that had surrounded Renee vanished. “Wow the shields gone! Oh now I get it, the power that Sailor Destiny transferred to my key had formed a barrier to protect me!” exclaimed Renee. Renee had no idea where she was but she heard a funny noise coming through a wall. It sounded if two wemon were trapped behind the wall.

Manic: Two "wemon"? Seriously, if we snarked on every spelling error, we'd be here for the rest of our lives.

When Renee touched the wall her hand went right through it. “Oh, wow! It’s transparent!” exclaimed Renee. Renee then went through the wall. When finally through the wall she noticed it led down a winding staircase. She went down the stairs. ”Hello, anyone down here?” yelled Renee. Down at the bottom of the stairs Queen Rosalina had herd young Renee’s voice. “Renee, could it be?” whispered Rosalina. When Renee came to the last of the stairs she saw Rosalina and ran to her! ”Rosalina everyone’s in grate trouble! They’re

Jessie: *as Rini* ...turning into cheese!
James: I thought we were gonna quit snarking on spelling errors.
Jessie: Sorry. I couldn't resist that one.

battling Prince Orion and Sailor Crescent now because the Wicken Sisters kept focusing on me… …” “Woe take it easy! I’m sure the Sailor’s can handle it!” Said Rosalina confidently.

Emi: In a Mary Sue fic? Oh, you are sorely mistaken.

“I’m afraid your wrong Queen Rosalina! Have you ever herd of the run away immortal from a legendary plant named Nakomia?” asked Kathryn. “No, I’m afraid I haven’t.” answered Rosalina. “Well it goes like this:

James: We're getting another random fuckin' backstory? These bad writers can't even keep up with their own million dumb plot threads!
Manic: Hey, what's a million more random dumb plot threads gonna do to us?
Emi: They're going to kill us and the next group.

“It was what was said to be the Day of Destiny which nobody knew why. Two young Nakomians named Taracovia and Elena were to be killed that day.

Jessie: Unfortunately, that didn't happen.
Emi: Wait, it's "Taracovia"? I thought that it was "Taracova". I wonder why Miss Prower's group never caught the misspelling. I'm also wondering why I just noticed this error. I mean, she's the main self-insert. The Suethors couldn't even get the name of their own self-insert correctly?
James: I think the weird spirit baby bollocks caused them to forget.
Emi: I'm also realizing that since she's supposed to be the "upgrade" of Sailor Moon, why isn't she the ruler? I highly doubt that Neo Queen Serenity would just... downgrade and develop a horrid personality.
Manic: Just... look at this mangled "plot". At least someone caught it. You know, better late than never and all of that stuff.

But everything went terribly wrong a young Immortal mother from the legendary Immortal Realm of Nakomia fled to the star of Rindas~ where she raised her son to be the ruler of the land. The legend states that any immortal whom flees’ Nakomia shall never return! Well that was all true the young mother never returned but was killed by her own son, Prince Orion! How you might say can an Immortal die? Well only by using a rebirth spell. So that is what he did, he had her reborn as a pathetic human!

Manic: I know that I'm a hedgehog, but... what is it with these jerks crapping on the human race?
Jessie: I don't know, but I'm about to go all Das Mervin on their useless smug asses in two damn seconds.

So until this day Prince Orion has been in rein, he never married. Yes this does mean Prince Orion is Immortal!”

James: That doesn't mean shit. We have another bloke who's immortal "just because"?
Emi: At this rate, which bland OC in this nonsense isn't immortal?

He is immortal because both his father and his mother are I mean were immortal he never knew what happened to his father, but he believes he’s still in Nakomia. As I said Taracovia and Elena were supposed to die but instead Taracovias’ mother had throne herself in front of her daughter to protect her because she was the only heir.

Manic: She took a throne to the chest.

I know all this because… … because I was one of Taracovias’ ladies in waiting until I was abducted after Taracovia fled Nakomia, for her own safety.” Said Kathryn.

All: *flatly* What.
Jessie: Well, that came out of nowhere.
Emi: Perhaps this is what the backstory regarding Sueniverse and the Wicken Sisters were. Again, this would make a decent plot twist... if everything else wasn't messed up.

“Who abducted you?” asked Queen Rosalina. “Aurora did she sensed that I would have great power and convinced me that it was the best way to protect Taracovia if I just left. So that’s all I know. I was born with a good heart Queen Rosalina; you saved my life. I am forever grateful and I join your side now and forever.”

James: Do these ninnies have shitty memory spans? They mention one thing, then they randomly go to another thing.

“So all we have to do is Reborn him right?” asked Queen Rosalina. “I’m afraid it’s not so simple now. He has cast many spells upon himself and the only thing that can kill him is the legendary GOLDEN KEY!

Manic: Lady, why're you yelling at us?

Which nobody knows where it is or who has it.” Answered Kathryn.

Emi: No, this has nothing to do with the Golden Crystal or the Golden Mirror.

“Orion believes that the future Queen of this legendary planet has it but the planet of Nakomia isn’t real!”

Jessie: We were told that Neko... whatever was real, now we're being told that it isn't?
James: Fic's got a warped version of gaslighting here.

“I’m afraid that’s where you’re wrong! Nakomia does exist! That is the birth planet of Sailor Universe… … Princess Taracovia.

Emi: Yeah, we knew that. We knew that for three fics.

Elena, Sailor Time as she is known by today was her protector until Taracovia became immortal.” Answered Queen Rosalina. “Well if what Renee says is true we better go and help the scouts before it’s too late!” exclaimed Kathryn. And with the tap of Rosalina’s staff they disappeared.

James: And then they poofed out of the fic and out of our lives. The Fucking End.
Manic: Well, it's almost the end of this fic.
James: Well, thank fuck for that.

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