Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 14: Sailor Moon and the Golden Key (Part Five)

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(Meanwhile)

When they arrived on Earth it was nearing mid-afternoon,

Emi: Yes, the entirety of the planet Earth runs on one time zone.

so they decided to wait until they could find Serena alone. As they stayed in their hiding places they constantly watched Serena, which at the moment Serena was having a meeting with her friends.

Jessie: Why does everyone have to spy on Serena talking with her friends?
James: Because originality is dead.

“Why do you think they sent us home?” asked Nina.

Manic: Because you ain't Mary Sues.

“I think it was because they finally knew what was going on and they didn’t want us to get in the way.” Said Renee. “What is going on then?” asked Serena.

Jessie: Yeah, what is going on? Our thoughts exactly.

“All I know is before we teleported I saw Caranovia run past us and disappeared, it looked as if she was in a big hurry like… wait a minute the only way she would be in a hurry if … … …” Renee started to say, until the crystal on the golden Key started to blink and a protective shield circled her entire body. “What’s happening?” screamed Serena. “I know what I must do, she needs my help! Destiny Galaxy Star Power!” yelled Renee.

Jessie: Well, that came out of nowhere.
James: Half the shit in this stuff comes out of nowhere.

Suddenly while the Wicken Sisters were in the middle of Training Caranovia as one of them, Caranovia started to act strangely. “Sisters can’t you here it?” asked Caranovia. “Here what Caranovia?” asked Laura.

Manic: No, we can't hear it.

“She’s calling me!” answered Caranovia. “Who’s calling you?” asked Marina. “I don’t know!

Emi: You said "she", as if you knew who was calling you, and now you don't know?

It sounds like a young child! Why does she keep saying Destiny Galaxy Star Power?” asked Caranovia. “Its those pesky Sailor Scouts again. All right Caranovia lets go get Aurora its time to prove that you’re a true Wicken Sister!” exclaimed Marina. So then the three Wicken Sisters left to go and get Aurora.

Jessie: Did Kathryn suddenly burst out of her cell?
Emi: No, the narration just placed Caranovia as a Wicken Sister now. I don't know why. I mean, she's most likely not going to remain as one.

When they arrived at her room they could hear her talking to someone. Marina then knocks on the door. ‘Knock. Knock.’

All: Who's there?

From inside the door they could hear Aurora coming to the door. Aurora opens the door and says, “What do you guys want? Can’t you see that I am busy?”

James: Yeah, yeah, put away your porn and your Magic Wand and help your allies, you arsehole.
Jessie: *elbows James*
James: What? She can get off when she isn't on the clock.

“Go on Caranovia tell her what you told us.” Said Laura. “Well, I have been hearing a child’s voice in my head and I don’t know exactly where it is coming from. How can I get it to stop? It is starting to get annoying.” Asked Caranovia “Well what exactly are you hearing?” asked Aurora. “I hear this young child. She keeps screaming ‘Destiny Galaxy Star Power.” Answered Caranovia. “What! Alright girls get ready were going to Earth!” exclaimed Aurora.

Manic: Earth! It has only one time zone!

“Wait Aurora I have one question.” Said Marina. “Hurry, what is it?” asked Aurora. “Do you know what happened to Kathryn?” asked Marina. “Yes I do she disobeyed me. She is currently receiving her punishment so she will not be joining us in this battle. What a pity! Now lets get to Earth!” exclaimed Aurora.

Emi: ...I don't like you.
Manic: Well, there's another character that we won't miss when she finally bites it.

So then the Wicken Sisters got ready to go to Earth, but there was one last thing they had forgotten to take care of, a new name for Caranovia.

Jessie: Why? Isn't her original name already dumb enough?

“Oh wait, if I go to Earth and enter the battle with the name I have they will know that it is me for sure. What will I do?” asked Caranovia. “OK I’ll just have to give you a new name now. From now on you will be called Nacreia. Got it?” asked Aurora. “Sure do!” exclaimed Nacreia. So then the Wicken Sisters teleported to Earth.

Jessie: *shrugs* Never mind, I guess they needed to give her a dumber name.

Back on Earth Renee was puzzled. She had done everything that Caranovia had told her to do but nothing happened. “I don’t understand did she lie to me? And how do I get this pink bubble off of me?” said Renee starting to cry.

James: She can't deactivate the power? Look, I know that this is the anime, but Mini Moon isn't that bloody inept!
Manic: And we're not going to have the others help her out of it?
Emi: No. *in a mocking tone* They're not Sailor Universe, who is stronger than everyone put together.

Up in the trees where Prince Orion and Sailor Crescent were hiding, they had finally begun to make their move on the scouts until a portal in the sky had opened. From the portal jumped the Wicken Sisters.

Jessie: And here comes random plot point number... who gives a shit, really?
Manic: Fic's just full of useless stuff that's being interrupted by other useless stuff.

“Oh no it’s the Wicken Sisters again, what are we going to do we aren’t even transformed?” said Nina nervously.

James: Yes, say this out loud, why don't you! *smacks his forehead* Jesus fuckin' hell!
Emi: *grimly* I hate everything right now.

“We are the Wicken Sisters!

Manic: Yeah, we got that. Wanna tell us a fourth time?

Now If you’d kindly hand over the Golden Key we won’t have to kill you!” exclaimed Aurora. “I’m not giving you my Golden Key so forget it! I call upon the power of Destiny give me your power! Destiny Galaxy Star Power!” Shouted Renee. She automatically transformed into Sailor Destiny. The Wicken Sisters all looked confused because they thought they had captured Sailor Destiny. “I call upon the power’s of Destiny, I summon thee! Destiny Galaxy Star Power!” Renee shouted again. “Stop that! So you are the little girl that I’ve been hearing. Stop summoning that annoying Sailor Scout she is no more! Nacreian Heart Attack!” Shouted Nacreia. A

Jessie: ...heart attack then claimed my life. It was much more tolerable than reading the rest of this shit.
Emi: Moon Spiral Heart Attack? Pink Sugar Heart Attack? Granted, this person is supposed to be the future Rini, but it still stings. Speaking of that... is this supposed to be a ripoff of Rini being the Wicked Lady?
James: You mean to tell me that they're recycling shit and trying to put new labels on it?
Manic: Well, they weren't original before, so... you know, why not try to fool the audience by tracing over stuff and selling it to the folks that they're talking down to?
Jessie: Then those Suethors have found the wrong audience.

huge dark stream of power hit Destiny’s (Renee) barrier.

Manic: See? Gotta talk down to us.

When the Attack was done nothing what so ever had penetrated the barrier. “What! Nothing happened!” exclaimed Aurora.

Jessie: *annoyed* We. Got. That.
James: Yeah, I bet you that they're repeating this stuff to pad out their word count.
Emi: I've never seen such bloated text that ultimately amounted to nothing.
James: Really? Let's see, you and I have riffed "The Final Struggle". Fic was all talk, no action. *pulls out a list* You have also riffed... "Rainbow Eclipse".
Emi: I stand corrected.

Unknowingly the girls had run around the corner to transform.

Manic: And none of the sisters tried to stop them? Never mind, whatever.

“Moon Crystal Power!” Shouted Serena. Serena then transformed into Sailor Moon. “Mercury Star Power!” shouted Amy. Amy had then transformed into Sailor Mercury. “Mars Star Power!” shouted Ray. Ray then transformed into Sailor Mars. “Jupiter Star Power!” shouted Leta. Leta had then transformed into Sailor Jupiter. “Venus Star Power!” shouted Nina. Nina then transformed into Sailor Venus.

Jessie: "Super Hand-Holding Power!" shouted Jessie. Jessie then transformed into a bad fanfiction writer.
Manic: Fic's got more padding than my sister's winter quilt.

After the girls had transformed they went and joined Destiny (Renee).

James: Just push us off the fuckin' cliff, Suethors. Do it and be done with it.
Emi: Overblown hand-holding can count as a failure, right?
Jessie: Yes. I did that with my group once.
Emi: Okay. *writes in her notes*

“Hold it right there! I am Sailor Moon “And we are the Sailor Scouts” we stand for love and justice, and in the name of the moon we will punish you!” exclaimed Sailor Moon and the Sailor Scouts. “Aw isn’t that so cute they have a little speech for us. Well I don’t like your speech, Nega Thorns Embrace!” yelled Aurora.

Manic: Well, Emi and Jess don't like you, so...

Suddenly thorns came out of nowhere and attacked the Sailor Scouts.

Emi: How can they come out of nowhere if she launched the attack? Never mind.

“Mercury Shine Aqua Elusion!” shouted Sailor Mercury. The Ice had frozen some of the thorns but not all of them. Sailor Mercury’s attack only stopped the ones that were heading straight toward her and Sailor Mars. “Ahh...” the other Sailors’ yelled.

James: Fic doesn't know what yelling or whispering is. I give up.

“You won’t get away with that! I call upon the powers of Destiny once more; give me your power to summon thee! Now come forth I SUMMON THEE! Destiny Galaxy Star Power!” screamed Sailor Destiny/Renee.

Manic: In case you suffered massive brain damage within the last five minutes, here's the hand-holding explanation that tells you that Rini is Sailor Destiny.
Jessie: I fucking hate this fanfic.

“No! Stop! I can’t take it any more!” with only a flash she slightly changes back to Caranovia and says, “Sailor’s help me they have me trapped! You must go to the immortal… Ahhhhh” she screamed as she turned back to Nacreia.

Emi: No, this wasn't stolen from the Wicked Lady plot.

“You dreadful little girl don’t you realize that she is gone! She’s never coming back, and neither is her mother! Nacreian Nega Ice Demolish!” yelled Nacreia.

James: I'm cool with her mum not coming back. Just gonna let you all know that.
Jessie: You're not the only one.

A dark ice surrounded the barrier that enclosed Renee/Destiny; the ice had frozen a dark barrier around her.

Manic: Uh... did we just read two sentences that said the same thing?

Then the barrier and Renee both disappeared. “Oh no, she disappeared!

All: *groans in frustration*
Jessie: *weary* I wish I was never shot into space. Kill me now. I want to die.

What did you do with her Nacreia?” asked Sailor Moon. “I didn’t do anything!” exclaimed Nacreia. Little did the Wicken Sisters and the Sailor Scouts know that it was actually Prince Orion that made her disappear so that it would get the Wicken Sisters to focus on destroying the Sailor Scouts.

Manic: But it was him, Two-Bit Prince Diamond!
Emi: No, we didn't need suspense. Just spoil everything so nobody would want to find out what happens next.
James: Fuck me, these Suethors suck at storytelling.

“If you didn’t do it, then I’d like to know who did!” exclaimed Sailor Moon. “Why do you keep blaming us? This will teach you to think next time, Marina Aqua eclipse!” yelled Marina.

Jessie: She asked because you're the fucking villains, you fucking human anal prolapse!

A huge amount of water hit the Sailor Scouts with a great force. “Come on Scouts. We can’s just let them defeat us!” exclaimed Sailor Jupiter.

Manic: Yeah, that's not happening. You're not Mary Sues, so you're screwed.

“Well then I have no choice then, Moon Crisis Power!” yelled Sailor Moon. Then Sailor moon transformed into Super Sailor Moon. “In the name of the Moon kingdom I will punish you! Moon Spiral Heart Attack!” screamed Super Sailor Moon. The attack hit all of the Wicken Sisters but it wasn’t strong enough to beat them.

Jessie: *bored* Of course it wasn't.
Emi: Also, she shouldn't be using Moon Spiral Heart Attack. She should be using Rainbow Moon Heartache... wait. That move couldn't defeat them?! *groans* I hate everything.

“That’s all you got, huh your nothing but a bunch of weaklings!” exclaimed Nacreia. “Nacreian Fire arrows encounter!” yelled Nacreia.

James: That's rich coming from a Sue spawn.

“Jupiter Upgrade! Planet Elemental Shield!” screamed Sailor Jupiter. A shield surrounded all the Sailor Scouts. Suddenly a portal opened in the sky and Sailor Planet and Sailor Jupiter arrived. “What’s going on here? I sensed my power!” asked Planet. “Oh look your just in time to witness your friends funerals!” laughed Marina. “Stay out of this Planet we can do this ourselves. Give us a fighting chance!” screamed Sailor Moon.

Manic: You're talking to a bunch of Mary Sues. They're gonna take over.
Emi: I guess Sailor Moon's getting some of Sueniverse's jerk attitude. She'd actually accept their help.

“You too time.” Said Sailor Mars. “I’m tired of waiting, for you to destroy them. What is taking so long?” asked Prince Orion. “Oh your majesty, I didn’t see you there.” Said Aurora. “Just get out of my way. You’ve taken long enough. All I came here for was Sailor Moon.” Ordered Prince Orion.

James: What compelling banter.

Suddenly Sailor Time knew she had to do something and quick. “Galaxcian Time FREEZE!” yelled Sailor Time. Suddenly everything stopped and Time had frozen Time itself.

Emi: And it's not going to cost her her life?!
Manic: Sailor Pluto who?

“I’ll take it from here Orion! Now To change it up a little. Galaxcian Time Replacement!” shouted Time. Suddenly Sailor Moon changed positions with Marina. “And one more thing Galaxican Time portal! All right now to take Nacriea back to the Golden City and to heal her.” Before she left with Nacriea Sailor Time touched Planets’ arm and Plant could hear and see Sailor Time and what she was planning.

James: There's a Sailor Plant now?
Jessie: Oh, James. You thought that proofreading existed.
Manic: You know that we're supposed to keep our hopes low and our expectations even lower.

“Planet listen to me you must find Destiny’s power stick, Sailor Crescent has it. You have five minutes to find it after I leave, after that Time will resume as normal.

Emi: Five minu -- five minutes?! What the holy heck is this garbage?!
Jessie: Let me guess. Sailor Pluto couldn't stop time for five minutes, right?
Emi: No, she couldn't. It was only for a short while. *sighs* I'm reading an infuriating fic that has nothing but boring Mary Sue replacements. What an insult.

Taracova and Caranovia are counting on you.

James: Fuck 'em.

Their lives are in your hands.

Jessie: Fuck 'em.

I have Nacriea so don’t worry. I’ll send a Warning to Galaxy! Do your best, and remember you and Sailor Jupiter are one!”

James: She already knows that, you knob. Quit telling everyone things that they already know.

and with all said Sailor Time stepped into her portal and left. “Ok I have five minutes. Planet Screen!” yelled Planet. Sailor Planet Screened Crescent and

Manic: ...that ability is now inconsistent. *reads Miyu's notes* In the last fic, she scanned Earth. Now she can scan a single person?
Jessie: Suethors didn't care. Why should we?

within two minutes she found and located Sailor Destiny’s power stick. As soon as she touched it Time had resumed… … “Now to take care of Sailor Moon! Huh where did she go?” asked Orion Puzzlingly. “Looking for me? Moon Tiara Capture!” shouted Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon’s Tiara circled Prince Orion and captured him tightly. “Is that all you got? If you haven’t forgotten I have the power of

Emi: *as Orion* ...the Plot Convenience Purse!

the dark crystal on my side! Immortal Dark Evasion!” A dark glow surrounded Sailor Moon’s Tiara and then let Orion loose, but that’s not all. “Now Tiara Capture Sailor Moon!” The Tiara then circled Sailor Moon and captured her tightly.

James: This's some bollocks. *raises a hand* You may have set me on fire, but with my arse pulling powers, I can reverse this! Now you, fire making person, are now on fire!
Jessie: It's only cute when little kids do things like that during recess. It's not okay in a half-baked story.

“Now I know you won’t get away this time!” laughed Prince Orion. “Oh, Prince Orion! You might want to re-think that! They don’t call me Sailor Planet a Sailor Scout from the future for nothing you know.

Emi: Breathe.

You see my friend taught me something very valuable just now.” Said Sailor Planet. “Oh, and what might that be?” asked Prince Orion “That Sailor Jupiter and I are one!” together Jupiter and Planet shout “Jupiter Planet Elemental Supreme!” A mighty force attacked Prince Orion. Orion was knocked to the ground and Sailor moon was set free. “No, she’s getting away!” screamed Prince Orion.

James: While the fire making person was on fire, I've decided to randomly make a long-winded speech and put the fire out!
Manic: Man, everything in this fic is dumb. I don't even know what the heck's happening.
Jessie: Doesn't matter. I think we all stopped caring.
Emi: *sighs as she scribbles in her notes* Meh.
Manic: Hey, try not to doodle over your words. Amy needs to read that stuff later.
Emi: Yeah, yeah...

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