Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Five Riffers, Episode 1: Marielle (Part Two)

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Chapter 2: Homerun

Chapter 2

Kyo: *wearing a dunce cap* I seem to be confused. I'm not sure if I'm reading Chapter 2.

At school my sister and I went our separate ways. We only had homeroom together, due to the similar spelling in our names, and after that we didn't have to see each other until later in the afternoon when Lupe came to pick us up after school.

Mai: *as Marielle* Which was good, because I hate my stupid twin sister who doesn't cater to my every need and whim.

For the moment, I had biology with Mr. G (or at least G is what we called him, his real name being something like five syllables long and to difficult to pronounce),

Kyo: Mr. Green... Grumphead?
Miyu: Really, Mr. Kusanagi?
Kyo: Yes, really.

an old hippie with a fondness for plants. I like him.

Leah: Well, I guess we know where her supply comes from, huh?

He was a nice person and seemed to really enjoy teaching. This week we were learning about reproduction,

Mai: Which has unfortunately been practiced by that Bella Sue. Don't reproduce, Sue. Please don't reproduce.

which wasn't as bad as Health Care (the new name for Sex Ed.),

Kyo: Way to fluff it up. Then again, I think I know why they changed the name.
Tails: Why?
Kyo: Because "Sex Ed" usually goes with that "abstinence only" or that "rhythm method" crap.
Leah: *scoffs*

but still succeeded in making half the class uncomfortable and sending the other half into random giggle fits, usually at the expense of those who were shifting in their seats and trying not to stare as one of the bigger lions began humping lazily into a rather board looking lioness.

Tails: *wearing a dunce cap* Dur... look at the lions doing things. Dur...
Miyu: And I don't know why the lion is humping a board. He'll get splinters.

Mr. G has borrowed one of the school monitors from the lab and popped in an old documentary from the Animal Planet channel. I had to admit, it was a little disturbing to watch.

Leah: Calling your grandmother a senile old woman because she gave you a damn watch for your birthday was disturbing enough.

Not because it was sex exactly but rather because the animals just seemed so…blaze about the whole thing.

Miyu: The word is blasé. Blasé. I'm kind of perplexed that the animals are on fire while they are doing it.
Kyo: Gives a whole new meaning to the term "being in heat", Glasses.

Everything I had heard or been told about human reproduction was that it was supposed to be amazing, and done with someone special who you cared about. What the two lions on screen were doing didn't seem all that appealing.

Tails: They're lions. Not humans, lions. It doesn't matter, really!
Mai: Oh, and if she ever does it... she is going to have the best sex ever.
Leah: Isn't that a Sue trait?
Mai: Unfortunately, it is.

I looked down at my notes. I hadn't taken very many as I wasn't sure exactly what it was I was supposed to be taking notes on. How lions fuck?

Kyo: *irritated* Penis goes in vagina! Babies come out of her later! The End!
Miyu, Mai, Leah: *shocked*
Tails: *stunned* Well... that's one way of putting it, I guess.

"You ok?"

I guess I must have been day dreaming,

Leah: You were daydreaming about lions screwing? Hey, whatever works for you.

I hadn't even noticed when Danny had returned from his bathroom break and taken his usual seat beside me.

Miyu: He didn't wash his hands! Get the sanitizer!

Danny Romero was a boy in my year, and my lab partner. Tall and thin,

Tails: Why does everyone have to be thin in this fic?
Mai: Because thin is in? *turns her head to the reading audience* It's not, really. Don't follow that.

he easily looked down at me from his already near six feet of height.

Kyo: Well, Fujiwara just blew his ass out of the water with her height.

His skin was dark and free of blemishes, and his eyes were warm chocolate, teeth a little crooked in front but white and clean, his hair a loose mess of curls atop his head,

Mai: Oh, great. Another stupid Edward clone.
Tails: And his eyes are chocolate? Oh... that doesn't sound good.

and he smells vaguely of tuna fish.

All: *confused*
Leah: You're telling me... that he smells like...
Kyo: *snickers* No, Leah! Don't!
Leah: *makes a meowing sound*
Kyo: *laughs*

"Yeah, I'm fine." I answered in a whisper, glancing briefly at Mr. G, who seemed to have spaced out…again.

Miyu: It's the weed. Always blame the weed.

"Its just a little…" I waved my hand through the air as if I could snatch the word I was looking for from it.

Kyo: *snickers* "Snatch", Leah?
Leah: *laughs*

"Weird?" Danny supplied with a smile.

"Yeah… that."

"Do you need a…you know… 'bathroom break'?" He offered me the hall pass.

Mai: *as Marielle* If by "bathroom break", you mean... "find the source of the tuna scent", then yes, I would like a "bathroom break".
Miyu, Tails: *crosses 'tuna sandwich' off of their lunch menus*
Leah: Either that or she wants to smoke a cigarette in the bathroom.

I waved it off," No, really, I'm fine. But here…" I pushed my pen into his hand and the notes, few though they were, in his direction, " you can take the notes now."

Leah: *as Marielle* I didn't feel like thinking about lions screwing right now.

"Heh…Alright then, I guess that's fair." He focused his gaze once more on the screen. The picture had changed to a pair of penguins necking in the Antarctic.

"It is," I said with a self assured nod.

Miyu: She also wants you to file her taxes, too. Have fun.

We sat in silence for a bit as the images change before us; salmon swimming up stream, a butterfly emerging from her cocoon, lions humping again (why did they keep coming back to that!),

Kyo: Because it's the circle of life, Simba!

wolves fighting for mating rights, and so on.

Leah: *shifts her eyes* Uh... huh.

"Is this all we're going to be doing all week?" I asked, mostly to myself.

Danny snorted, "Maybe. Would be kind of nice if all we had to do the whole week was listen and take notes. Unless he gives us homework."

Tails: And then homework was given! Mary Sue, you will learn all about mating firsthand!
Kyo: You trying to divide by zero, Tails?

"What, homework like this?" I nodded towards the little television at the front of the classroom. I had meant it as a joke, but inwardly I cringed at what sort of homework we might get for this!

Mai: If she mates, she's going to have a baby. And it'll most likely be a girl, because Sues love girls. Enjoy.

"Anyways…" Danny began, "Its October and the Hollows Ball is coming up soon…"

Oh God…I thought to myself please don't let him ask me out! Please, please, please don't let him ask me out! God please don't -

All: *flatly* He's going to ask you out.

"Would you like to go with me?" The question was asked in a casual way but I had seen the way his shoulders had tensed.

"I…" I trailed off, not sure what to say. I was surprised, this was not the first time he had asked me out.

Tails: I don't get it. Why is she surprised if this isn't the first time?
Miyu: Because she's selfless and humble.
Tails: Uh... I don't see that, Miyu.
Miyu: Neither do I, Cousin Tails.

He was a nice boy and all, I liked him well enough, but he just wasn't…what I was looking for I guess.

Kyo: The hell do you mean?! He has no damn pus volcanoes! He has that stupid "crooked smile" that you little turds love! What pleases you, you whiny little brat?!
Mai: Give her a watch and you'll find out.
Kyo: Touché, Gloomy.

Not that I was entirely sure what I was looking for, precisely, but I was pretty sure it wasn't Danny. And that smell! Ugh!

Mai: You don't smell like roses yourself, you vapid... *mutters*
Tails: I thought that the smell was vague. Why is she practically flailing about like she smelled a stink bomb?
Miyu: Maybe she enhanced her sense of smell when we weren't looking.

I hated having to turn him down though, he always seemed so disappointed whenever I did and would give me the cold shoulder for about a week afterwards. I hated that! Why did he keep asking me?

Leah: Because you're "perfect" and I hate you?
Miyu: They're both disgusting. She calls her grandmother senile, and he wants to be a jerk because she said no... multiple times.

"So, what did you tell him?" asked Sakura later during softball practice.

"I said yes…" I admitted with some shame.

Miyu: Seriously, this "bug her until she relents" nonsense is incredibly disgusting.
Kyo: But since this is a Sue fic...
Leah: *as Marielle* Oh, boys falling in love with me is such a pain! Ugh! How dare they love my perfect body and disgusting personality!

"What! But I thought you didn't like him?" She quarried with reasonable shock.

Tails: Don't worry, we don't like the Sue. It evens out nicely.

"I DON"T!" I exclaimed, perhaps a bit to loudly," But he just kept asking and asking…I figured if I said once he might not be so persistant-"

"-or become a stalker…" Sakura muttered.

Mai: Stupid Twifans like the stalking, too.
Miyu: No, the stalking's only okay if a rich and hot guy does it. There's a difference. It's incredibly stupid, but there's a difference.
Tails: Yeah, real life and the fictional imagination aren't supposed to mix themselves up like that...

I ignored her,

Kyo: *ignites a flame* I must be in a very unpleasant mood. I suddenly feel like sealing her lips shut.

"- and I made it clear to him that even if I did go to the dance with him, we are not fucking dating!"

Leah: Or fucking fucking. *clears her throat* Sorry.

"Marielle! You're up!" called coach Wiggins, a tall, long legged, aethletic woman with short blond hair and skin darkened by the sun, who looked to be about 20 years younger than her 54 years of age, if one ignored the wrinkles around the corners of her mouth and eyes.

Mai: But Marielle won't have to worry about wrinkles, not with her skinny hourglass figure and perfect C-cup breasts... and I'm about to go insane in a few seconds.

I smiled to Sakura as I lifted myself up from the bench, grabbing my bat along the way. She smiled in return and crossed her fingers. I stepped up to the plate, took my stance, and waited. When the ball was thrown I swung and hit a homerun.

Tails: *coldly* And then I beat the tar out of her with the bat.
Kyo: Oh, look. It's another title drop. I'm starting to wonder if I'll see a cloud that will give me the middle finger when I go outside.

When Lupe pulled up to the curb to pick us up from school I was alone.

Leah: *rubs her neck* Ouch! What the heck was that?!
Miyu: Time whiplash.

"Where is your sister, mejita?" Lupe asked with a frown as she put the old, blue Mustang into park and cut the engine.

"I don't know." I said with a shrug. And I didn't really care. Let her walk home if she was going to be late.

Kyo: Leah?
Leah: *covers Tails's ears* Go ahead.
Kyo: Thank you. *bitterly* I hate this stupid asshole with every fiber of my being.

"Well go and find her!" Lupe ordered me in an exasperated tone. "Have you even tried her cellphone?"

Miyu: Probably not, since Marielle loves Marielle and only Marielle.
Everyone else: *singing* It's all about me!

I had, in fact," She isn't picking up!" I defended myself.

Mai: *as Marielle* How dare she not cater to my every whim and need! Stupid defective puppet!

"Well maybe her club meeting is ran late. They're rehearsing for something, si? Go and see! Go, go! Vamenos!"

Kyo: Stupid Sue can go to Hell for all I care.

I tried not to pout as I tossed my back pack in the back seat of the Mustang before stopping off to do as I had been asked. I did of course find my sister, Maria, at the school theater. She was laying on the stage floor, covered in blood, with a dagger in her hand.

Tails: Well, that's what happens when you don't like the Sue. You die.
Miyu: Hmm... it said that she was rehearsing. Seems like the more logical explanation.
Tails: Oh, yeah.
Mai: *as Marielle* Oh, my stupid sister is covered in blood. And she's probably dead, too. Jeez. She can walk home for all I care. *normal voice* Honestly, why is she so calm about it?
Kyo: Because the stupid little gnat is more vain than Keyboard and Beni combined.

Chapter 3

Leah: *confused* Where is Chapter 3, anyway?
Kyo: Right here. *writes in Marielle's POV* Someone then jumped out of the shadows and stabbed me fifteen times. For some reason, I died an extremely pretty death because I was a selfish Bella Swan clone. Those who had working brain cells didn't mourn my death, and I'm going to haunt them because they didn't kiss my ass like they were supposed to.
*After Kyo finishes writing, a loud thump is heard.*
Miyu, Mai, Tails: Uh... *claps nervously*
Leah: *looks outside* Oh, you just killed the Bella clone, Kyo. You're pretty dark when you get the chance, huh?
Kyo: I do what I can. That and our resident morbid riffer is out for today.
Leah: Heh. I see.

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