Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Black Crow Crew, Episode 15: All My Heart

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All My Heart

A Dead or Alive Fan Fic

By Alex Breslin

Akiko: I smell a self-insert coming...

Disclaimer

I do not own Dead or Alive or anything made by techmo

Jessie: Of course you don't, because you didn't spell the company's name correctly.

This a story about me and Helena

Miyu: *goes pale* Akiko was right! It's Diet Benji!
Kyo: Well... shit.

and this is a oneshot for now

Jessie: "For now". How much stuff did this guy write that had him and this Helena person in it?
Cassy: A lot. I'm serious, dude.

All My Heart

Alex sits on a hillside watching the sun set thinking over everything he'd been through in his life

from being and super solider to seeing his family killed right in front of him.

Akiko: Because that's original.
Cassy: *flatly* Ow, the edge.
Kyo: Y'know, for all this talk about how there's a bunch of cookie cutter Mary Sues, Gary Stus sure can upstage them with their own brand of boring bullshit.
Jessie: I thought that they all played the "dead family" card.
Kyo: Yeah, true, but Stus do it a lot worse sometimes.

So caught up in his

own thoughts he didn't even notice that Helena was right behind him. "Hey" she said in a hushed

tone. "Hey Helena I didn't see you there."

Miyu: You... were on a hill. And you're supposed to be a "super soldier". And your vision is... um... never mind. Forget it.

The two of them meet a year ago while Helena was

trying to find out where Donovan was making his man made monsters.

Kyo: Uh... excusez-moi? I wouldn't call the Kasumi clones "man made monsters"... unless we're countin' Alpha-152.
Cassy: Also, we have a giant canon error. Helena already knows about Projects Alpha and Epsilon! Especially Project Epsilon! Hell, the woman spoke to Ein in DOATEC's Germany branch about the latter to his face!
Kyo: She probably got amnesia in this fic.
Jessie: Will she remember that she got amnesia like Tanya did?
Kyo: Ha!
Akiko: I wonder how "edgy" those monsters are.
Cassy: That's only if the fic feels like describing things to us.

Alex couldn't help but

stare at the lovely women.

Miyu: Helena was cloned when he wasn't looking!

When the two of them met Alex was hunting the monster that took

his family away from him. One year earlier

Jessie: Scene breaks don't exist, do they?
Cassy: Nope.

Alex was tracking a gang member who was working

for Titian the monster he'd been hunting for seven years.

Kyo: I swear, if this monster is some demon that the Stu slashes up later, decapitate me.
Akiko: I'm with him, but I'd like to keep my head.
Miyu: Well, we did conclude that he was Diet Benji...

He grabbed the gang member by the

neck and slammed him into a brick wall.

Jessie: What the hell? This better not be happning in broad daylight!
Miyu: I don't think we'll ever know what time of day that it'll be. I mean... explanations don't exist here.

" Hey man let me go !" he screamed Alex sighed and

said " look I just need you to tell me where your boss is and I'll let you go."

Cassy: I don't know if he's gonna spill the beans since you probably cracked the back of his skull, dude.
Akiko: He really needs to stop getting inspirations from bad cop shows.

" Look kid if you don't

let me go I'll kill you right here !" Alex began to laugh "What is so funny." Alex stopped laughing

"The fact that you think you can hurt me."

All: ...
Akiko: *makes a face* Are you serious? You're gonna be that kind of boring guy now?
Kyo: *sighs* I'm so tired of this bullshit...

"If you don't" Alex squeezed his hand "Can't breath."

Cassy: Uh... how does squeezing a guy's hand cut off his breathing?
Akiko: Stu grip.

The man said in a panic "Are you going to tell me what I want to know or am I going to have to

rip you limb from limb!"

Jessie: Something tells me that our "protagonist" is going to be as likable as a forty car pileup.
Miyu: You're being kind, Jessie. *adjusts glasses* Ninety car pileup.
Akiko: Then describe Benji's likability.
Kyo: Oh, that's easy! He was as likable as the 405 in Cassy's state opening up and swallowing all the lanes full of cars during rush hour.
Cassy: And all we're missing is a white Ford Bronco to complete the disaster.
Jessie: *tries not to laugh* You all are evil.

The man gave in "Alright I give I give" Alex let go "Speak" he said

"OK he's in the old factory outside of town but Mr. Donovan doesn't like people messing with

his plans." Helena was listening to them talk. "Who the hell is this Donovan I am looking for

Titian."

Akiko: Plot twist: Donovan is "Titian".
Cassy: *laughs* Yeah, right!
Miyu: Anyway, to be critical... Mr. Alex did not say that he was looking for this "Titian" in the first place. So why is he snapping when he was being incredibly vague?
Kyo: It's a Stu thing. They want everyone to magically know everything.

the man's eyes widened "you mean that guy that's been giving the boss his new pets."

"Yep that sounds like who I'm after thank you." Alex let him go and said "you can go now."

The man ran away and Helena was in shock here she was trying to find out where Donovan

was getting his monsters and this kid who looked about 17 had just beaten her to the punch

Cassy: *rolls her eyes* Of course he's better than the woman whose father ran DOATEC before he was assassinated. Never mind that she's one of the more pivotal characters in the DOA storyline!
Kyo: Know what that means, Cass?
Cassy: What?
Kyo: This is a Stu fic. Come on, your brain's working just fine.
Cassy: ...crap. She's gonna get knocked to the side because she has ovaries.
Kyo: Bingo.
Akiko: *groans* So he is that kind of guy!

"You know I can see you right?" Alex said to her.

Jessie: *sarcastically* Romance of the ages, ladies and Kyo.
Kyo: I don't know where these guys got their dating advice from, but "romance" isn't supposed to mean "be an ass to the lady".
Akiko: You know that they probably got that stuff from bad action movies, right?
Kyo: Yeah, you're right.

Helena didn't know what to say but then

Miyu: ...she kicked him square in the jaw.

"Oh I'm sorry I haven't introduced myself I am Alex Breslin."

All: ...
Miyu: *rewinds to the beginning of the fic, scowls as she fast forwards back* Diet... Benji.
Akiko: That kind of guy!

he said calmly and took a bow

Helena just stood there not quite sure what to say but she quickly thought of what to say

Cassy: *as Helena, sighs* I don't have time to play games with you.

"My name is Helena Douglas." she said Alex looked at her she the most beautiful woman

he had ever seen and that was saying something

Kyo: Hey, a woman who isn't digital or runs between his fingers!
Miyu: Kyo...

"May I then ask what a lovely woman like

yourself is doing here?" Helena to her own surprise was blushing

Cassy: *stone faced* No.
Jessie: Pfft!
Kyo: Ah, so it's love at first squish. Just like in every fanfic.

and then took a look at

the young man in front of her he was her height he had brown eyes brown hair and was

really well toned and

Miyu: ...this is really stupid. Of course every Gary Stu is "well toned" and "muscular".

she found her face was getting redder and redder and

Akiko: ...I rolled my eyes. This is so lame. Of course every woman blushes because the Stu is "hot".

she said "I could ask

the same of the handsome young man in front of me."

Kyo: *facepalms* Jesus Christ on a cracker. This really is love at first squish.
Miyu: *pushes glasses up* At this rate, I would not be surprised if she went into labor in the next five minutes.
Jessie: Wow. So he's going to be the millisecond man.
Kyo: *chuckles*
Cassy: You know, if this was a well written story, she would probably play along just so she could use him later...
Jessie: And you know that if that was the case, Mai's group would be soft riffing it.

It was Alex's turn to blush but he quickly

recovered and said "Me ? I'm just looking for the monster who is responsible for taking something

from me. What about you?"

Akiko: He's a soldier, and he only cares about himself. *sarcastically claps* Our protagonist.

Helena looked into his eyes and saw the same look of pain in his eyes

that she saw in her own "I guess I could say the same." They looked that each other but before they

could say anything else a group of Donovan's men attacked them.

Kyo: Well, that was freakin' fast!

They fought them side by side

until all of them were down then Alex looked at Helena and said "We make a good team."

Kyo, Miyu, Jessie: ...
Miyu: *facepalms, sighs*
Akiko: Wait, what?! That's it?! Oh, come on, that wasn't even a fight scene! Lame! *boos*
Cassy: *bites her lower lip, begins laughing*
Jessie: *with a blank look on her face* What the hell did I just read?
Kyo: I was just going to ask the same question, Jess.

Helena had to agree they worked really well together never before had she fought this well with a

partner.

Miyu: We couldn't tell, considering that the "fight" was about ten words long!

The two of them decided to work together from then on. After two weeks Alex and Helena

became friends and trusted each other so much so that Alex told Helena he's biggest secret .

Jessie: Look, we already know that you probably have a penis that's about a foot long. You're not special.
Akiko: *shudders*

They were at a park and Alex made sure they were alone. "Ok Helena there is something I need to

show you but don't freak out ok ?" She nodded and Alex then took of his shirt and showed Helena his

Kyo: ...cashew sized penis.
Miyu: *slaps Kyo on the back of his head*
Kyo: Gah!

super human powers.

Cassy: We get it, you can lift a boulder with your pinky finger. We get it.
Akiko: Better yet, it's probably with his little toe.

The first thing he showed her was his war blades which were green crystal like

blades that were about a meter in length. The next thing was his cyber wings same colour as his war

blades they came out of his back.

Akiko: *confused* Huh?
Jessie: What... the shit... is this?
Miyu: Um. *coughs* Mr. Stu... I think you're looking for the "Tekken" universe. Keep going until you see a small child getting thrown off of a cliff and making a deal with the devil.
Kyo: Remember, the devil made boxing kangaroos once he grew up. Stu can get away with looking like a hot metallic mess over there.

Helena then ask him to stop and tell her how he got all these powers.

Cassy: One dumb backstory is comin' right up, dude!

Alex told her in a pained voice " After my parents were killed by Titian I was taken to a military base

where I found out that my parents were super soldiers from a top secret program called the sentinel

program a world wide military force made to counter Titian and his followers my DNA was modified

so I could access the powers in my genetic code.

Cassy: Well... considering that there's been people messin' around with genes in this series, I can sort of let that slide.
Kyo: I can't.
Cassy: Why not?
Kyo: Because this is some stupid shit.
Jessie: *snickers*

The training was hell but after it was done I went to

my families graves and swore to then and to god that I would avenge their deaths and I've been hunting Titian since then for seven years since." Tears then started to roll down his face and

Miyu: ...soon turned into metaphorical boulders.

he turned

away from Helena but she just held him tightly and said " shh it's alright ." They sat like that for hours

until

Akiko: ...one of them had to go to the bathroom.
Kyo: Sure wasn't gonna be Mr. Metal over there.
Jessie: Oh, Kyo, don't be silly. *sarcastically* Women don't pee or poop.

it got dark them Helena said " come on let's go home." The next morning Helena awoke to Alex

making her breakfast.

Miyu: Um... that... was fast.
Cassy: Time only goes in one speed in this fic, dude. Super fast.
Akiko: We might as well fast forward to the part where the Sun blows up and swallows the universe.
Cassy: Too fast.

" Alex you didn't have to do that." " I know but this just my way of saying thanks for letting me stay here and for being a great friend." Helena blushed at this and the two of them

ate breakfast then Alex got a call from a source that the factory was indeed where Donovan was getting his monsters and the pair set off and destroyed it taking Titian down in the process.

Miyu, Jessie: *confused*
Akiko: *boos loudly*
Cassy: *laughs*
Jessie: I guess we didn't need to read that part of his backstory, huh?
Miyu: I guess not. Perhaps avenging the deaths of his parents weren't that important when you compare it to... well...
Cassy: *meows*
Kyo: *laughs* Yep!

Alex then

headed to his families graves and told them they could now rest in peace. After that Alex and Helena

were inseparable and were getting very close.

Kyo: Character development? Who the hell needs that useless crap?
Jessie: It's a lot more useless than pacing, that's for damn sure.
Akiko: Fic just stuck them together like Legos and said, "Hey, you're a couple now!"
Miyu: I think that's a perfect analogy.

Present day Helena and Alex were lying down together

Miyu: ...in a black hole.

and then Helena spoke " Alex can I tell you something ?" " You know you can tell me anything Helena

." "Ok umm you know this has been the best year of my life and I have you to thank for that ."

Cassy: *confused* Did this fic just span a whole freakin' year?!
Kyo: If that's the case, Jess'll be 40 in about five minutes.

" Thanks Helena that means a lot." "What no that's not what I wanted to tell you." " Then what ?"

Helena got nervous

Cassy: Helena... nervous? Yeah, not really a thing with her.

" I wanted to tell you that I … I I" " You what ?" Helena then wrapped her arms around his back and pulled him into a deep long kiss when it was over she said " I love you Alex."

All: *groans*
Miyu: I'll get the cheese...

" I love you too Helena." " Really ?" " Yes with all my heart."

Jessie: Oh, thanks for the title drop!
Akiko: This fic is faster than me! Did Sonic write this?
Kyo: I doubt it. Sonia would've destroyed it.
Miyu: This fic... confused me.
Cassy: Well, when you have a fic that went faster than a Formula 1 car, you're gonna be confused. Oh, and by the way... this fic has a sequel.
Kyo, Miyu, Jessie, Akiko: What?!
Cassy: Yep.
Akiko: Will it have fight scenes that're about eight words long, too?
Cassy: Uh, not really. They'll just get dumber, though.
Jessie: *flatly* Joy of joys.

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