Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Riffer Recruits, Episode 5: Sailor Moon: A Culture Reborn (Part Three)

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“Taracovia why are you doing this? We were just playing around! Please give us a chance to prove our loyalty.”

Tomoko: "We were just playing around," said the assholes who just killed a kid.
Miyuki: Man, everyone sucks.

“Be silent you fools! The next one who calls me my mother’s name I will kill personally!” She slowly walked toward the trembling guards.

Tails: Yeah. Totally not a tyrant.
Akiko: Wow, Kei and Rory were right. That castle really is cursed.

“If you are not Taracovia the lost Princess, then who are you?”

“I am her only child… her first born girl… and because I am a woman I am also a servant of the goddess Kida. Let me show you an example of my power!” She pointed out toward Rosalina.

Miyuki: "Let me show you my power," she says... and then she sits back and makes the head Sue do all the work. Lady, you suck.

Rosalina strides over to the dead little boy. She kneels down beside the boy and began to glow with golden power. The people of the city gasped for they have never seen such strength.

Miyuki: Zaracova who?

She put her hand over the boys body where his heart would be. A beam of gold struck down on it. The boy sat up and looked up at her and smiled for he has never seen such a beautiful person.

Tails: In the midst of resurrection, we had to stop to shill the self-insert Mary Sue some more.
Miyuki: *sighs as she mops up a wank puddle*
Tomoko: Huh. Well, at least he got better.
Akiko: I'm actually glad about that. However... Rosalina's allegedly the upgrade of Sailor Mars. Sailor Mars never had resurrection powers.
Miyuki: These dumb fics mangled canon up, down, and sideways.

Rosalina stood up and reached her hand out to him still holding a ball of golden power. She helped the little boy to his feet. He ran over to his mother.

“You know for she has brought him back, now there was a little saying. Now what was it again?” Looking towards Rosalina.

She pointed the golden ball in the soldiers direction. “I believe it went like this: A life for a life,” The mysterious voice grew sharper,

Tails: I love how these Suethors think that we don't know that the "mysterious voice" belongs to Rosalina.

“you have messed with the wrong kingdom and with the wrong goddess.” She thrusts the glowing ball of gold at the caption of the soldiers. The ball of gold went directly for his heart collapsing him to the ground breathless.

Miyuki: Number one, that was a random rule that we just got smacked with. Number two... what the hell?! This is the exact same stuff that these people just shamed Zaracova for!
Tails: It's only okay if you're a Mary Sue.

“Now, about that second chance. I will give you one but, it will cost you. For you see you have ruined my city,

Tomoko: ...wasn't it already wrecked?

hurt my people, and broken all the hopes and trusts they had. I do believe that I have not introduced myself properly. I am the Queen of Nakomia, I am an immortal goddess and a Sailor Scout. Now to make sure that you don’t escape from prison again I am sending you to the most powerful dungeon ever created in the Golden City.”

Rosalina raises her hand and the men are teleported to the dungeon.

Caranovia powered down to her normal queen self. The little boy ran over to the mysterious robed person. “Thank you for saving me.”

Akiko: *sarcastically* She's totally not Rosalina. Nope.

“It was no problem, now Queen Caranovia I would like to speak with your people, with your permission of course.”

“Of course you may.”

“I’ll start off by introducing myself,” Rosalina took off her robe, “ I am the goddess Rosalina also the Queen of the Golden City of Galaxy. I want you all to know that you can trust your new queen.

Akiko: *as Rosalina* I also could've saved you people a long time ago, but you all suddenly crossed my mind one poorly written prequel ago.

She may make some new changes but, they are all for the good.

Tomoko: Bullshit.
Miyuki: To the most powerful dungeon ever created in the Golden City with you!

You are no longer needing to fear your ruler. She’s kind, sweet, and gentle.

Akiko: We're definitely living in Bizarro Land, huh?

If you have problems go to her, do not brake out in riots. It never solves anything.

Tails: No, do not brake. Putting your foot on the gas pedal, however... is much obliged.

Now as you all know about the long lost Princess Taracovia. You see she is no longer with us.

Miyuki: *blows a party favor*

She had fulfilled her destiny and turned to stone. A portal will be built leading to my city where anyone can go to bring flowers to her. Anybody can go, but those with evil intentions will not make it there. Instead you’ll end up in a different realm never being able to find your way home again.”

Tomoko: Yes, let's scare the public to make sure that they never visit. What a wise idea, you bloodthirsty jackass.

An elderly woman made her way through the crowd and toward Queen Caranovia. “Your majesty, what was her destiny?”

“You see her destiny was to…” Caranovia started.

“…was to protect me from all harm. Taracovia wasn’t just your princess but a Sailor Soldier. She was known by some as the immortal Scout and by others as the Guardian of Protection.” Rosalina finished.

Tomoko: Thanks, you interrupting jackass.

“I see, well then I guess my existence is no longer needed.” The elderly woman turned to leave as someone started to speak to her.

“And who might you be, for everyone in this city is important?”

Akiko: *as Rosalina* But not more important than me, of course.

“I… believe it or not, once was one of Taracova’s ladies in waiting. I’m the only one left that is still alive. Zaracova killed the others that lived at the palace at that time.”

“Come to me.” Rosalina says as she steps down from the platform.

The woman turned back towards Rosalina and cautiously made her way through the rest of the crowd and stood a few feet away from where the golden one waited.

“Come closer. Take my hand, do not be afraid.”

“I am not afraid of you I just don’t deserve to live. I abandoned her when she needed me the most. Please allow me to live the rest of my days the way that I am. It is only what I deserve.”

“No! You didn’t abandon her. She had to flee. She left Nakomia to seek a better life so that she could return someday and restore the thrown. She did just that!

Tails: Did she? I'm pretty sure that she didn't.

She came back and defeated Zaracova, but in the midst of battle Zaracova tried to harm Queen Rosalina. You see Taracova was Sailor Universe she was the first born female child of Queen Novia thus she had sacrificed her life to the goddess Kida to protect Queen Rosalina. It was her fate… no…… it was her destiny! To prove that what I speak is the truth I will reveal myself completely. I am not only Queen Caranovia or Sailor Destiny, but I am Taracova’s first born female child.

Miyuki: You're her only child, you damn robot. Why're you being all specific?
Akiko: *moves her hands robotically* I am a female child. I am the first born female child.

Thus I also gave my life to the goddess Kida but not to protect Queen Rosalina but to protect the Golden Key that is held by a small young lady. She is Rini otherwise known as small lady of the moon kingdom.”

Tomoko: We're suddenly going to pretend that she exists now? Hey, Prower.
Tails: Yes?
Tomoko: Does she show up in this fic?
Tails: Let's see. *taps his device* Nope.
Tomoko: Figured.
Miyuki: They spelled her dub name correctly and she doesn't show up? That's kinda insulting.

The old woman reached and took the hand of Queen Rosalina. With both of her hands locked in Queen Rosalina’s, the Queen closed her eyes and chanted a few words and all of a sudden their hair began to lift. The woman’s frail body was engulfed in gold light.

Miyuki: Pfft. I can do the same thing by rubbing against Akiko's shoulder right now.
Akiko: She's "frail". That Sue term's been overused so much.
Tails: Mary Sues aren't supposed to gain weight. That's "disgusting".

Queen Rosalina stepped back so that the whole crowd could see just how powerful the almighty Queen of the Galaxy was.

Tomoko: *sighs in annoyance*
Miyuki: *grumbles as she mops up another wank puddle*

The crowd gasped in happiness as they witnessed the transformation from the old woman she once was to one of youth and beauty.

Akiko: We found the Fountain of Youth!
Tails: Even though it's not a fountain.
Miyuki: Wait, she can restore youth?! What kind of random BS is this?!
Tails: We're getting another power because the plot said so.

“You will now serve her royal majesty, Queen Caranovia.”

“I don’t know what to say. Ohh… Please forgive me, I haven’t properly introduced myself. My name is Quetena.”

Tomoko: No damn comment.

“It is nice to meet you, Quetena. Would you like to join my court just as you did for my mother. Do you remember my friend here.”

“I can’t recall your majesty. Please forgive me.”

“It is quite alright, do you remember helping out Sailor Time?”

Akiko: Oh, you mean that... *looks at Amy's notes* ..."ignorant cretin"?

Sailor Moon: Culture Reborn (continued)

“Yes she was the scout that needed to save the long lost princess.”

Tails: We did not need a so-called cliffhanger for that.
Miyuki: Is this fic ridiculous?
Akiko: To find out the answer, you'll have to tune in next time for the continued riffing of "Sailor Moon: A Culture Reborn". We must remind you that there's no Sailor Moon in it.

“Remember how she received letters of instructions from the Queen of the Golden City, Queen Rosalina. Well this here my friend is Queen Rosalina, she will be helping me in restoring my city to its former glory and beauty.”

The crowd roared with excitement. “Hail Queen Caranovia! Hail Queen Caranovia! Hail… … …”

Tomoko: Hail nothin'. Get the hell outta here with this crap.

“Please… … Please…” Caranovia raises her hands to silence the crowd. Once the crowd had settled Caranovia signaled for Sailor Evolution to step forward.

“Hello everybody, I am Sailor Evolution, I am here to take the place of Sailor Universe.

Tails: We know...

I know that in everyone’s heats that she can never be replaced.

Akiko: In everyone's "heats"? That sounds lewd.

But her responsibilities must be taken care of. So I say that we rebuild the city in loving memory of Sailor Universe.”

Miyuki: Ugh, why?
Tomoko: So... we're gonna rebuild a city in honor of someone who turned into a tyrant, left her folks behind, and then cared one fic ago... because a plot device said so. Lady, did you hit your head or somethin'?

Sailor Evolution backs away and Caranovia comes up to the podium.

“Now, I know that you people of Nakomia are used to some things around here,

Tails: *as Caranovia* ...like fear and loathing...

but there will be many changes, starting with our royal color. No longer shall it be silver but instead it shall be pink.

Akiko: Hey, what's wrong with silver?! I like that color! You take that back!
Tomoko: It has to be a... girly color, Miyadama.

Also many of the laws will be re-written and will be more strict on the accounts of your safety.

Miyuki: Curfew's at 4:00 P.M. now.
Tomoko: Yeah, they say that it's for everyone's "safety". I'm not buying this crap.
Tails: It also makes no sense because a war just ended. I know that everything doesn't heal in a day, but this is making me a bit leery.

I know it will take time to get use to but eventually Nakomia will be restored to an even greater city then it once was.” Caranovia steps down from the podium and heads back into the castle.

Queen Rosalina follows Queen Caranovia back inside the Palace. “I can have my carpenters from the Golden City come to help train some new carpenters. This will aid you in your reconstruction project for I know that you want no magic involved at all.”

Akiko: But... wouldn't magic get everything done faster...?

“Of course, we should also send for Sailor Planet. I would like her to teach my gardeners some new landscaping techniques.”

Akiko: And this has what to do with the plot?
Tails: What plot?

Queen Rosalina took out her communicator and called upon Sailor Planet. “Planet, hi, we need you to come to Nakomia to teach the Nakomian gardeners a little about landscaping techniques.”

“Of course, I’m on my way.” Replied Planet.

Miyuki: This is what being a Scout gets you. You're now an employee in the gardening section at the friggin' intergalactic Lowe's.

Soon after Planet arrived the ruins of the Nakomian City were thriving with Nakomian and Galaxcian workers. Queen Caranovia now changed from her exquisite Ball gown into an everyday pink sundress stood over the area where they worked.

Akiko: We still don't have a plot, but hey, let's describe a Mary Sue's clothes. We have plenty of time for that.

She observed some workers hauling in Pink Marble to be used in the reconstruction of the grand entry of the Palace that was struck by Zaracova when she took over the city.

Tomoko: Was that even mentioned?
Tails: Probably. I don't care.

Caranovia was Carefully watching over the reconstruction of parts of the grand palace while Rosalina supervised the reconstruction of the orphanage in town. On the other side of the palace Princess Jennifer was supervising the landscaping of the imperial gardens making sure they incorporate pink Roses as the main flower while Princess Sensarity observed some workers laying out some plans for the rural homes of the city people.

Back at the grand entry Caranovia watched at some skilled craftsmen started carving a statue of herself. She had instructed them to carve it in the form of her immortal being.

Miyuki: Welp. Time to get the flock of pigeons.

“Now listen closely, I will not tolerate any screw ups in this statue. I will transform into the being I wish to be carved as. So not carve things into the statue that you do not see!” With her instructions made clear she transformed. “Destiny Immortal Power!” After she transformed, she struck her pose so that the carvers could get to work.

All: Uh...
Tomoko: The hell is this crap?
Akiko: Jade isn't this vain.
Tomoko: No, she's... you know what, you're actually right.

The construction team from Galaxy was working peacefully together with the Nakomian carpenters trying to get a beam of wood lined up for the wall of the orphanage. A Galaxcian set the wood in place and a Nakomian harmed the nails in. Over to the side a couple of workers were sawing wood to go up next. A slim dark haired man with a gold hard hat on lifted a piece of wood onto his shoulder and carried it over to the building. He passed it up to another worker who again put it in place and nailed it down. Several times did Queen Rosalina watch them do so. As Rosalina watched the men at work, she heard a bunch of children playing around the construction zone.

Tails: And they didn't block that space off or anything?! How are we supposed to trust these foolish idiots with the lives of children?!
Akiko: Whoa, good really is dumb in these fics!
Miyuki: It's not just them, Akiko. You know that the villains weren't in the High IQ Club, either.

A few seconds later she heard the screams of a little girl. She quickly glanced over to find a beam of wood on top of the screaming child. Queen Rosalina immediately rushed over and pulled the wood off of the young girl. She saw no danger so she picked her up and rushed her quickly over to the palace.

Tomoko: Y'know... I'm wondering if this is all a setup to make Rosalina Sue look "wonderful" in everyone's eyes. She's taking over everything and pushing Caca...
Tails: Caranovia.
Tomoko: Caca out of the way.
Tails: *shrugs* Okay.
Tomoko: By the way, is she secretly pulling strings here? You know that self-insert Sues need attention and all of that crap because they're parasites.
Miyuki: That just makes her sound like a creepy narcissist.
Akiko: Then it's kinda accurate. That's pretty scary.

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