Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Riffer Recruits, Episode 5: Sailor Moon: A Culture Reborn (Part Four)

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Caranovia was finished her pose and had powered down to her Queen like form. She watched the carver’s put the last finishing touches on the stature including a name plate with her name and other details inscribed on it. As she began to turn away from the carver’s and put her attention on something else she saw Rosalina practically running with a small Nakomian child in her arms. Caranovia hastened over to Rosalina and simply asks, “What makes you run so with a mere child in your arms?”

Tomoko: Well, if you weren't wasting your time acting like a damn Victoria's Secret model, you'd know, you jackass!
Tails: *sarcastically* Our Queen.

Rosalina wasted no time in answering her question, “This mere child has been injured and needs the attention of your physician.”

Miyuki: Uh... you have the ability to bring folks back from the dead. For some reason, you can't heal basic injuries?

Caranovia nods and points in the direction of the palace, “He should be in the chamber right off of my own!” As they went passed Caranovia spotted an unfamiliar man and a woman in the distance. “Who are they?” She walks closer to get a better look.

As she draws nearer she can clearly see, that the man is old and the woman was young and she had the beauty of a goddess.

Akiko: *groans* It's another Mary Sue, isn't it?

“Who are you?” Caranovia asked as she approached them.

The old man just looked at her with a gruff look on his face. The woman on the other hand looked into her eyes and made her reply, “My dear lady we have traveled quite a good distance. Please can you tell us what city this is?”

Miyuki, Tomoko: It's Hell.

Before answering she looked them over. The old man was wearing a Navy blue like uniform and the woman was in a navy blue dress. The dress she could tell was made for everyday use. “This is the City of Nakomia. I am it’s reigning Queen. My name is Caranovia, daughter of the immortal goddess Taracovia. Why have you come to my city?”

“Well we came to see Princess Taracova, and we also seek food and rest-”

“But that does not answer my question! Who are you?” She now grew impatient with the unwelcome visitors.

Miyuki: *agitated* They were going to finish, you walking yeast infection!
Akiko: Yeah, that castle really is cursed. Whoever rules the planet is always insufferable.

“I am Princess Rayanna and this is King Minan. We come from a kingdom far away from here-”

“Can’t he speak for himself Princess?”

Tomoko: Well, he would, but you interrupted him a second ago, you asshole.

“She speaks the truth I am who I am. I’m just surprised that my daughter did not tell you about me.”

“Clearly I don’t know what you mean, for I do not know your daughter.”

“Of course you do… you’re her daughter-”

“You mean my mother! Wait stop this… just answer the question! I am the one giving the orders here.” She wasn’t sure if they were telling the truth.

Tails: Great. She's confusing herself for no reason at all. These people are being straightforward here, and she keeps interrupting them and making them sound like the idiots. Hello, they think that you're Taracova, and you didn't clarify who you are!

She noticed Rosalina coming back over from taking the child to the physician.

Rosalina could sense the tension coming from Caranovia.

Miyuki: Self-inflicted tension, but it's tension.

She read into her mind

All: Huh?
Tails: Rosalina had the power to sense if other people were around, but there was absolutely no mention of her reading anyone's mind until now. Great. There's another random power.

and stated, “Caranovia listen to them. They are telling the truth.”

“How do you know if they are telling the truth or not?”

“Have you forgotten that I can read what they are thinking?”

Akiko: Uh... we didn't know until now! Why're you trying to turn us into Caranovia, lady?

she then directs her attention towards the strangers, “You see around Queen Caranovia you must be careful of what you say, but around me you must be careful of what you think.”

Miyuki: For the third time... we didn't know that you had mind reading powers!
Tomoko: This is some really shitty writing. Of course the new folks are being shamed because Caca has brain damage.

Caranovia didn’t say a word but turned her attention to the king. “I am your grandfather and this here is your aunt, your mothers sister.”

All: *flatly* What.
Miyuki: Great. It's a family affair.
Tails: Which means... more boring relatives of the original Sue.

Caranovia started weeping in the remembrance of her mothers fate.

Akiko: Even though... she forgot that she turned into a statue...? I'm so lost.

She fell to the ground and King Minan caught her in his arms.

“Why do you cry child?” Minan looked into her eyes.

“Because the one you seek lives no more…” She continues to cry as she sees the look of shock on their faces.

Tomoko: When'd we get into a crappy Shakespeare acting session? I thought we were reading a crappy Sailor Moon fic.

“What has happened to my dear child…” cried the king.

“You see your daughter fulfilled her destiny. If you want I can take you to her, but I don’t think that would be a very wise choice.”

“I guess your right. I should rest first and recover my strength then I shall go and see my first born daughter.”

“It seems to me that you have not gotten my point.”

“What do you mean by that?” asked Rayanna.

“You see, if I understand clearly you both have an evil presence among you. With having an evil presence, you cannot step foot in the Golden City. If you do you will be immediately teleported to a planet of no return.”

Akiko: They explained who they were. We know who they're related to. And for some weird reason, they're still "evil".
Miyuki: I guess that any ol' random person is just "evil" in their minds. Y'know, it's very hypocritical that they're judging others for being evil when they're not rosy folks themselves.

“There is no evil among us, I assure you. Please allow me to see my daughter. I have lost not only my wife but her as well, Rayanna is all that I have left in this world.”

“You know my mother tried with all her strength to save this kingdom from destruction, and now look at it, it is in ruins. Does either of you remember a strong golden light on the Day of Destiny?”

Tails: Are we going to halt the non-plot for an explanation of that day again?
Miyuki: *bored* I can't wait.

“How can you mention that Day! That wretched day I hate so much! That was the last day I saw my sister, and now I come to find that she is dead!”

“Now, now Rayanna. We might as well return to the desert and perish.”

Tomoko: And since you're talking to these assholes, they'll let you go there to die, too.

They both got up from their knees and started away from the city with slumped shoulders and crooked backs.

Rosalina immediately transported herself in front of them, stopping them. Thus saying, “You will do no such thing, I will not allow you, the only family that Queen Caranovia has left to disappear from this world.”

Akiko: But... she was rude to them...

“If you will not take us to see the Princess then we have no reason to stay. It is clear by your tone and by the queens past that either you or her want nothing to do with us.” They walk around her, but then Rayanna stopped.

“Here give these to my sister. When she awakens from her crypt she will need these to find me again.” She then turns and follows her father.

All: Huh?
Tails: So... that means that she's definitely going to come back from the dead one day?
Akiko: Cass was right.

Rosalina turned around to face them once again. She put her hand up and the three of them were warped to the golden castle. “Now tell me, what do you know about the whereabouts’ of Princess Taracova?”

“All we know that she is dead so then she must have her royal crypt. Does she not?” countered the King.

“Where are we?” says Rayanna.

Miyuki: Wish it was out of this stupid fic.

“You are in my kingdom now, you cannot leave unless I teleport you out. Taracova is far from dead, she does not have a crypt. I’m not liking your attitude, with me Minan. You shall address me as Queen Rosalina and nothing else. Now you will, you will go and rest. Recover your strength and then, maybe we will be able to talk without the attitudes.” Rosalina motioned to her maid to take them to their guest rooms.

Tomoko: An attitude? Lady, you teleported these people without their damn permission. Don't make me choke your ass to death.
Tails: I really hate Rosalina. Why is she supposed to be the protagonist again?
Miyuki: I don't know, but she's projecting harder than a movie theater.

“You cannot hold me here, I demand of you to let me go, for if you don’t the power of the gods will not take pity of you.”

Rosalina was full of anger and disgust. “How dare you demand something of me.

Akiko: Again... you teleported him. Pretty sure he's got a right to demand some answers.

Your gods do not exist in my world. Only the Immortal goddess Kida exists along with myself, yes I too am a goddess.

Miyuki: Someone needs to smite her butt.

Do not threaten me again. But of course you are free to leave, if you can find your way out!” Rosalina left them in the golden parlor and retired to her throne room where she had found Lord Deon.

Akiko: Our protagonist!
Tomoko: That asshole Sue can go fuck herself.
Tails: *stamps "Epic Failure" on his sheet* She's really getting on my last nerves.

“Come Rayanna we are leaving.”

“No father, I want to stay here, I want to find my sister.”

“Fine, very well, you are on your own.” He walks out, trying to find his way home.

Tomoko: I have five bucks that says that he gets lost because he told off the useless Sue splooge.

Back in the throne room, Rosalina sat on a couch with her head resting on Lord Deon’s shoulder. Her mind was full of so many thoughts that she didn’t know what to do with them all. Its her fault that Taracova is a statue in the first place. She knew she had to find a way to bring her back to life. This couldn’t be the end of Taracova, it just didn’t feel right to her.

Akiko: So... you decided to take it out on her family? I'm sorry, but that doesn't excuse you from acting like a snobby jerk. It just makes you look even worse.
Tails: Feel sorry for the Jerk Sue.

Rosalina decided that she would let the matter go until morning. She looked up at Lord Deon who was reading the paper and smiled. “Anything interesting in the paper tonight?”

Miyuki: Enough about her being a horrible ass, here's a dumb scene about her with her boring cardboard cutout lover.
Akiko: Wait, how'd he teleport back to the Galaxy Castle with her?
Miyuki: Uh... magic.
Akiko: And where's Sensarity?
Miyuki: Uh... gone.
Akiko: She brainwashed her, and now she had the nerve to just dump her?
Miyuki: But Rosalina is a wonderful... never mind, screw it. Rosalina sucks.

Before Lord Deon could answer there was a soft knock at the door. He looked up in the direction of the door and saw a young woman near the age of seventeen. She had long brown hair and baby blue eyes. “Excuse me. I don’t mean to interrupt. I was wondering if I could talk to you your majesty?”

Tomoko: Why? She's just going to spit in your face and slam the door.

Queen Rosalina looked over at Lord Deon and he knew that this was a private matter. Lord Deon took the hint folded his paper up and disappeared.

Miyuki: And we never see him again. No, really. He's gone.
Akiko: Why was he even here? He's just the boring "twu luv".
Tails: I would say that she stole his personality, but he didn't have one.
Tomoko: She doesn't have one, either.

Rosalina indicated for the woman to come forward and have a seat. “Now tell me, what are you wondering.”

Tails: *as Rayanna* Why are you such a jerk?
Miyuki: *as Rosalina* How dare you tell off a self-insert goddess Mary Sue! To the dungeon with you!

Rayanna took a seat where she was indicated. “Please your highness, let my father go home. I don’t want him to bring discomfort and havoc to your home.

Miyuki: Even though Caranovia started it... and Rosalina made it worse...
Tomoko: Suedom Law, Fujiwara.

Please I will stay as long as it takes for my sister to awaken so that my newly found niece will not have to live alone in despair.”

“Nothing is stopping your father from leaving, if he wants to leave that bad then I shall tell you the secret on how to get out of my kingdom. He must go back the way he came, that is all there is to it. Tell him to go back through the golden gate in the Golden Imperial Garden. You do realize that making the promise you made me might take eternity for her to awaken. You may be living the rest of your life here. I don’t want you to think of me as a bad queen,

Akiko: Uh... too late for that. Also, what's with that dumb rule? "Just go back to where he came from"? That's not special!

for I am one of the most respected and caring queens.

Tomoko: Respect is earned, not Mary Sued the hell up.
Miyuki: Also, that "caring" part was... *whistles* ...nonexistent.

Ever since my mother sacrificed her life to save the Galaxian Kingdom from complete destruction, I vowed to never let another evil creature step foot in my kingdom.

Tails: It still doesn't translate to "be a jerk to everyone you meet".

My mother died over two hundred years ago. I have been in rein for over one hundred years because my brother went off and married a princess from another kingdom. I am the last and final heir to the golden throne. That is why your sister Taracovia was my protector. It is my fault that she is what she is today.

Tails: *reads Amy's notes* According to Amy... yes, it is indeed your fault.

That is why, I will find the spell that will awaken her.” Rosalina said as a tear fell from her eye and slid down her tanned cheek.

Akiko: Uh-oh.
Miyu: *peeks inside* Did someone lit--
Tomoko: No.
Miyu: Oops. Okay, then. *leaves*
Tomoko: Your group's weird, Miyadama.
Akiko: Hey, I know. They're still cool, though.

Rayanna begins to cry as well because she knows the secret that will give her sister life that she so well deserves. “Frankly I am not being so honest. Since my arrival here I have known the secret that will give her life. My father told me when I was seven years of age that this day would come.”

Rosalina’s face grew more series.

Tails: And then it grew into volumes.

“I’ve have always known this day would come when Taracova would be a statue of stone. My daughter came from the future and told me that rough times lie ahead and I knew that what Taracova told me about her destiny fulfillment that it was coming. I just didn’t expect it so soon.” Rosalina turned away.

“Are you ready, for the truth?” Rayanna stood and walked to the fire place and picked up the heart necklaces she had given to the queen earlier. She then crossed back over to the Queen and handed them to her. “Open them and read them. The white one first and then the black one, because justice triumphs over evil.”

Miyuki: Even though the so-called justice acts evil in these fics.

Queen Rosalina opened up the white locket and read it. One day a daughter will be born of the most respected one.

Miyuki: The respected one? You mean the one that the Sue Queens didn't show any respect to?

She then opened up the black locket and read And the daughter will produce a power so divine to awaken the one with the stone heart. She looked over at Rayanna and new that she must show her the Galaxcian’s most protected treasure. “Come I must show you something.” Rosalina said handing the lockets back to her. Rayanna nods and follows.

Tomoko: *groans* We're gonna get a useless scene of them walking to the damn statue?
Akiko: Wouldn't warping be faster?
Miyuki: That's logic! To the dungeon with you!

Rosalina takes Rayanna to the Queens Bedchamber and straight to what looks like a wall. Rosalina touched three specific places on the wall and a door way appeared.

Rayanna was stunned at the amazement of a hidden passageway. “Where exactly are you taking me? Should I transform or something?”

Rosalina looks at her with a glare.

Tails: Why are you glaring at her, you jerk? She just asked a simple question!
Akiko: That's probably that Jerk Sue attitude that Sonic warned me about.
Tails: Great. Rosalina is Kathryn... Sue. I'd use her given surname, but Amy wouldn't be too happy about that.
Miyuki: *mocks Rosalina* I'm a kind and caring goddess! *normal voice* That lying diarrhea splatter needs to go to Hell.
Tomoko: Let me pluck her eyes out first.
Miyuki: Deal.

“Transformation is unneeded, whomever you are. I am taking you to the most protected treasure of the Galaxcian kingdom.” She continued walking until she reached a room. In this room there was a couple of pieces of furniture. There was a desk, a few chairs, a table, and door way off to the right.

Rayanna looks around the room with great admiration. “Wow, what is this room? How come its isolated from the rest of the kingdom?”

Tomoko: We're not gonna warp, but we're going to pretend that it's "Lifestyles of the Rich and Assholish" instead.
Miyuki: "MTV Sue Cribs".

“This is a meeting room, for very important times.

Akiko: This is boring. Why is there a Sailor Moon fic with no action in it?
Miyuki: It's there to hurt us. Besides, you don't want to read the bad "action" scenes. The other groups hated what they got.

It’s not used all that often, also a hiding place. I hid here when my kingdom was under attack, the time when my mother sacrificed her life to save the kingdom,

Tails: And that's definitely not a ripoff of Queen Serentiy's sacrifice. Nope.

and this is where she had first found me. Lets move on now. We have a ways to go yet.” Rosalina led her through the door way that led to another room, this room was a bedchamber.

“What was this room used for?” questioned Rayanna.

Tomoko: Who cares? Get the hell on with it!

“This room was used as a bedchamber for anyone that needed to use it, well mostly for anyone that needed to hide.” Rosalina answered walking off to the right to another door way.

“How many more rooms must we go through? Can’t we just warp there?” said Rayanna impatiently.

Akiko: Hey, she had my idea! Also... where's the rest of the fic?
Tails: Uh... um...
Miyuki: It just ends like that?!
Tails: ...yes. Yes, it does.
Akiko: *groans*
Tomoko: *sarcastically claps* Wow, this fic sucked.
Miyuki: I just... why was this even written? I get what "dead fics" are, but I've never seen a fic that died in the middle of a chapter!
Tomoko: It just takes sucking to a whole new level, Fujiwara. It wasn't the fic that died. It was the special fic that died right outta nowhere.
Tails: It should've died three fics ago. These Suethors clearly didn't know how to carry this... can I call it a story?
Akiko: Nope. More like a torture device, but with words instead of spikes.
Miyuki: Makes sense. Ugh, I'm so glad that this crap's over.
Tails: No kidding.

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