Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Special Episode 2: Brewdening Love (Part Five)

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Note: Your main riffer for this part is Miyu. (Her dish is Penne Pasta that is topped with sauce and mozzarella cheese. It's also served with breadsticks.)

Warning: Yes, there's more homophobia here.

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13 – Dishiscions

Miyu: Well, I have been washing dishes during the previous part.

SEE? ONE. GOD. REVIEWR!

Miyu: God reviewed this? I'm pretty sure that He must have had other things to attend to.

Thank you, unless your a pretender in witch case FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!11111

Miyu: Oh, my! Somebody's been taking a Madame Hyde potion!

All you other bitches can fuk off because NO ONE LIKS YOU!

Miyu: No, thank you. I do not want to be licked.

I've had a boyfriend, HAVE YOU!> NO DIDN"T THINK SO!

Miyu: What does having a boyfriend have to do with any of this? *adjusts glasses* And not to brag, but at least I can keep a boyfriend.

Anyway, Jenny wasn't really into the whole "now with Jacob" thing so that's why he's aliv. I can make use of him tho so all good.

Miyu: *sarcastically* Yes, you kill off whoever your friend has the hots for. You're a wonderful friend.

Review nicely, and Lord bless.

Miyu: I was told that I'm the nicest riffer. Maybe you'll get a slightly free pass.

ooo "True love comes only from both hardshit and ease." - Book of Ruth ooo

Miyu: Oh, my! I don't know if my... um... shit is hard.

We all stood there grasping, we couldn’t belive that Em was still alive!

Miyu: I could. I mean, anything could happen in this weird land.

Or at least that's how it locked to me, but something seemed off.

Miyu: He was missing an eye. Being a zombie can do that to you.

“OMG,” said Jenny who ran into his awaiting arms (eri: NAWWWW :3 See Jen?),

Miyu: But I'm not Jen! And stop talking in the middle of your fic!

“What are you doing being alive when you are dead!?’

Miyu: I'm telling you, he's a zombie!

Em cam and sat with us at the table. Jen was sat next to him. “Whats the plan?” said Em determinationally.

Miyu: Huh? That's a rather large and nonsensical word.

WHAT DO YOU MEAT?!?1" Word asked angstyily angrily.

Miyu: I'm actually in the mood for steak myself. That's good meat.

"How are we going to beet Jomes?” Em said looking confucioused

Miyu: With a radish, Confucius.

“Your death I kulled you!!!! WTF MAN>!” Wurd said angrily andstily.

Miyu: *writing in a notepad* "Um... LOL?" Em said sexily.

Jenny rand over and hoged him, she was so happy but then she remembered ferJacob and then she was confused. Could it be she liked them both..?

Miyu: *sarcastically* No, because liking two boys at once makes you a "whore".

“What’s wrong jen?’ asked Em all concerned and put her hand on her cheek in an adorable way like I saw James once do to Clare at the record store in my old town.

Miyu: Who... who cares?

“Nothin" said Erin and then she stopped huffing him and he .

Miyu: Jenny's Erin now? Aha! There are self-inserts everywhere!

Em looked sad but the Ward was hgetting arngy -  He looked lik he was going to nock a fucker out.

Miyu: *pushes glasses up* Yes, I believe that is very Christian.

“you are a trator! I KILLED YOU AND UNTIL YOU EXPLAIN THIS WE CANNOT CONTINUE WITH YOU IN OUR MIST!"
Em shook his herd

Miyu: I prefer to wash my herd when it's raining, anyway. Misting doesn't help much, obviously.

“No am I not, I didn’t want to go against my relegion.”

Miyu: Nobody follows any religion in this fic! You were better off going against it!

“You could have gotten Jenny derd!” Word roared sexahli but powerfully 2.

Miyu: Is the word "dead" or "dude"? Not even the Word programs know.

"I would never let Jomas hurt James hurt Joan!” Em retorted back.

Miyu: I guess Emmett is Tarzan now.

(ERIN: SEE, BETTER VOCAB NOW YOU DIRTY FF FLAMERS HUH?!?!)

Miyu: *sarcastically* Yes, we should praise you because you used one word correctly.

“You are liying!!!!!!!” Edword screamed and then went to punch em in thwe jaguar. But before he did:

Miyu: The audience wanted to know where that jaguar came from. Should I call Hercule Poirot, Nancy Drew, or Encyclopedia Brown for this case?
Sonia: The third one, because we'll save a fortune in hiring him.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOoooooooo111!!!!!!!!!!” I yellod because I didn’t want them to fight.

Miyu: That's nice, but you should've scaled back on those "o"s.

Brothers should never, ever fight - God wants the familt to stick togather!

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* Not this one, you hypocritical sinner.

Jenny loved em and I louved Wade.

Miyu: Should I tell "Ward" how you really feel, then?

He was so sexah and he meens the world to me. I didn’t want his to hurt his brother, nor Janet to get hurt.

Miyu: Oh, you can't even get your own friend's name right! What kind of friend are you?

Ward stopped and so did Erm. Then Jacob ran in the room!
“What is happen?” Jacob assed and Jenny went over to him and curied her teery face into his tan chest, sobbing.

Miyu: Somebody set up us the bomb, Jacob's behind.

"Em, he is alive! I...You have to protect joan.” She told him. “You have to become a wearwoof to save her from the eval Jams!!!! It's the only way.”

Miyu: Hey, you cannot tear me away from my delicious peach jam! I don't care how evil it may be!

Jocub looked thinkingly as he locked at the Vampires and at me.

Miyu: And then I adjusted my glasses adjustingly.

“What's in it for me?"
Ward looked at him. "Satifaction of saving a life."

Miyu: *as Jacob* Wrong answer!

"Okay I will save here from the evel Jam.”

Miyu: *pretends to sniffle* My peach jam...

Jenny looked sad and I looked more sad at her.

Miyu: But I was the saddest of all.

My life was in danger, I have a bloodsucking vampite for a BF who might ate me and all sorts of drama but she had to choose between the biggest loves of her life!

Miyu: *flatly* Yes, the drama is intense.

We all were so happy that Fenando was going to help me.

Miyu: You, you, you! It's all about you! Everything always has to come back to you!

Wared and em forgot about there fighting.

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* And a certain Suethor has forgotten about her attempt to improve her vocabulary.

Then Acile offed to dive us to her huose so we could work on a plan. Rose went out shopping.

Miyu: Yes, because they have better things to do than protect you.

MC

Miyu: ...Records?

and Charlie were there wen we got there. We told them the plan to save me and they were really happy that I would be saved.

Everyone except Miyu: We weren't!
Miyu: And why is Bella's father so concerned about her?

I bit my lip. I hoped they were happy for a reason.

Kyo: Is it because you're going to die soon?
Miyu: Oh, my.

“Jona I want to show you something.” Jacob told me and we went out the back alone, even though wad wasn’t happy about that. Did he seriously think I'd jump ship or something? (Ering: For another guy, not a dyke, not that kind of jumping shop.)

Miyu: *angry* I know what you're referring to, you ignorant, small-minded, homophobic jerk!
Sonic: Uh-oh! Miyu's angry, Kyo! Care to comfort her?
Kyo: Um... after the riffing.

“Watch, he said and then he turning into A BIG SCARY WOOF.

Miyu: They do say that barks can be worse than bites.

He was russelt (Erin: A sort of brown I guess) and shaggy.

Miyu: Then why didn't you just say "brown"?

He was big and he had teeth that locked sharp. It was scarty but then he licked the side of my face and then I realised he ewasnt scarry. I hugged him and even know he was muscular.

Miyu: The world's most dangerous plush toy, ladies and gentlemen!

:is that how you will stop Jomes.?” I asked and Jacob nodded and then turned into a person again.
“And because I care about you,” I shrieked because he was naked, and he excused himself. I only hoped Ward wasn't watching. o_o But before Jacob went I exploded.

Miyu: She... exploded?
Amy: Woo-hoo! The fic's over!
Miyu: I don't think so, Amy. Sorry.
Amy: Aww.

“I thought you loved Jenny!” i siad angry that he liked me and Jenny at the smae time - SHE WAS CHOOSING, YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH!! “I am with Ward! You are a good friend and nothing more.” I shout at him and Jacob looked like he would cry.

Miyu: *pushes glasses up* So, let me get this straight; it's okay for a girl to be caught in a decision, but when it's a boy doing the choosing, he's a bad person?
Jessie: Close. It's okay for Erin... er, Joan... to be caught in a decision. Everyone else is going to Hell for that.

“I know but don’t forget how I felly,” and then he left me alone and I went back to see Ward. He was hot, but i couldn't. I loved Ward. He loved me.

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* I'm not in love with this "plot".

And then I went back inside to ask Em about him being alive.

Miyu: And it was through the magic of disco.
Manic: *singing* Oh, oh, oh, oh, staying alive, staying alive...
Miyu: Yes, thank you, Manic.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Thanks for reading. Pheocnixs, spit at me again and I'll report it. Seriou.

Miyu: You're reporting virtual spitting. How sore are you?

I'm sure the ff reprot people don't like nasty shit like your skany arse. So. BE. NICE.

Miyu: Nobody wants to be nice to people who have nasty personalities, Erin.
Sonia: Maybe we can pray the stupid away.

Ok, now I'm on the Wonderful DeviantArt! YAY! Becose ff.net are nasty sinnng people who took my whole fucking story sown for NO GOSH-DARN REASON.

Oh wait, yes, their is a reason. PHOEXINS AND SKES! THEY ARE EVIL FLAMERS WHO RUINED MY STORY ON FF AND ARE NOW HEAR HERASSING ME!!!11

IGNORE THIS PATHETIC PEOPLE BECOAE THEY HAVE NO LIFE! IGNORE THEM.

Miyu: Yet you believe that you're better off in the world of "Twilight". Who has the sadder story here?

OH YES DISCLAIMER FOR THE NEW PLACE!: THIS CHAPTER, EVERYONE AFTER IT AND EVERYONE B4 IT IS ABOUT TWILIGHT, A SERIES OWNED AND PRODUCED BY STEPHANIE MEYER. THIS IS A TRIBUTE NOT A STEALING!!!!!!!!11

Miyu: Even Mrs. Meyer would be offended. And that's saying a lot.
Sonic: Tch, she gets offended if you give her minor criticism. Maybe we're reading "Twilight" before the spellchecking here.
Miyu: I guess.

Miyu: Venus Love-Me Chain!
Cassy: Yes, even the great Miyuki Prower can go to her fantasies.
Miyu: Oh, leave me alone, Cassidy!

Miyu: Yes, and God can sue you in court.

Miyu: I don't think we were deflecting light earlier.

Miyu: *flatly* How convenient.

Miyu: *angry, mumbling* Oh, that does it... I'm tired of this infuriating Bible thumping hypocrite...
*Miyu leaves the living room and returns from the kitchen with a confused Kyo.*
Kyo: *with a plate of salmon sashimi* What? What'd I do?
Miyu: *sits down* Nothing. You're riffing with me.
Kyo: *sits down* Fine... but only for this chapter. You owe me for this, Miyuki Prower.
Miyu: Yes, I know.

Kyo: Murder: He did it wrong.

Miyu: Maybe he pulled a Tanya on us.

Kyo: *facepalms*
Miyu: At least she said it was ironic.

"Em."

He turned around, and had teers in hiseys. "Em, how are..." I tok a breath. "How are you hear? Edward killed you, did he not?"

Em looked up, with his deep brown eyes. I felt sorry for him.

"James...James brought me back from the dead. He used a satanic ritual to -"

Miyu: Ah, and there's our Tanya.

"DEMON SPAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111" I screamed and spat in his face and shoved him away with my fist.

Miyu: Last time I checked, that was called a punch.
Kyo: Yes, it's okay to spit in other people's faces. But we can't do that to her because her face is pure.
Miyu: Also note that his resurrection was out of his hands. What happened to forgiveness, Erin?

HE WAS HERE BECROSE OF LUFICER'S DOING?!?!?!1?! I held my fingers in a cross and backed away from him, praying to the Almighty incase he trying anything. He has a tainted soul!!!!!!!!!!!11

Miyu: *irritated* Hush, you false prophet.
Kyo: She must be too lazy to purchase an actual cross.

"JON! JAON! IT"S NOT MY FOLT! James brought me back; he drug up my burned and cut up corpse and put me on a pentagola then used his wicked magics to raise me and make me back togather! I did not wano come back...not after..."

Kyo: Unless he told you, there should be no way in hell that you can remember all of that.
Miyu: *sarcastically* Too bad, Emmett. It's still your fault.

He cried, and I felt sad. It wasn't his fault, but now he was a demonic Campire...how does one go about healing such a wound? I furrowed my brow and thought. It wasn't his fault, yet he was now clearly under the control of evil. Whatshould I do?

Miyu: How about not jumping to conclusions next time, you foolish person? Use your brain!
Kyo: It doesn't exist.

I called the local church for guidance, without explaining the Cullens were Vampires of course. They sent me over a priest, and I went out to great him - THE CULLENS DIDN"T KNOW THIS WAS HAPPENING.

Miyu: Am I watching a horrible version of "The Exorcist" here?

I exited the door and the priest's green hatchback showed up (Erin: JEN I THINK YOU KNO WHO THIS IS LOL) and he exited.

Kyo: Yeah... do you mind telling us, too?

Out exited a tall white man with grey-and-brown-hair-and in a shortish cut (Erin: u no, guy hair),

Kyo: Because girls can't have short hair. It's illegal in Homophobe Land.

and a modest plaid shirt and black slacks. He had a fuzzy brown mustache and a gentle smile. It was, I recongised, FATHER JAMES HOLDEN!!!!!!!111 :3

Miyu: Um... did that really need a fanfare?

“Good morning, Miss Joan St Sanctuary Lousia-Smith. I recall you from last weekend’s service. You were such a charming young lady.”

All: *exaggerated coughing*

I bushed and Usher hymn inside the house quikly. We went up stairs, and Em prepared himself. He stripped down to his boxers and Father Holden dabbed his temple with holy water, and spoke a few words asking the lord to bless and take care of Em during the Ordeal.

Kyo: Wow, Erin must be bored. She's not saying the Lord's words in detail!

The father then started chanting something in what I could only guess to be Latino.

Miyu: *places her face in her hands* Oh, my god... should I call the Pope to assist you in your rather blank state of mind?
Kyo: The Pope? Y'know, Miyu... if he shows up in this, I'll eat my left foot.
Miyu: Don't tempt the fic, Kyo.

Em's sobbing stopped and his now white eyes rolled up and into his head. His mouth fell open, and he began vibratoring. :o

Miyu: Ooh, it's the Emmett massage chair!

He LEFTED OFF THE GROUND, AND STARTED SLOWLY SPINNING AROUND AND BEGAN CHANTING SOME STRANGE TOUNGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Kyo: It was probably English, which you're mangling to hell.

Father Holden struggled against the energy comming off Emo, and flacked Holy Water at him from the wall. I almost fell over!!!! :O

Miyu: "Emo"? Anyway, nobody cares about you almost falling over.
Kyo: I would... if it splashed on her and she melted from it.

I starnge, suppernatral wines began to blow and the room shook, and THINGS FELL EVERYWHERE. I SCREMEAD.

Miyu: Needs more "I"s and plagiarism.

Finally, Father Holden seemed to be winning and threw all his water at Em shouting "Unheavenly influence, be gone from the mortal plane, THYNE LORD COMMANDS IT SO!" over and over. Em began whirling about, faster and faster, then slower, and sower then he stopped and fell to the ground in a heap. We dragged him to his feet and into his bed, where the Father checked his vitals.

Miyu: The devil must've gotten bored of all of that repetition.
Kyo: Maybe they should've moved Emmett's spine around some more and see if it can break in four places.

"He'll be fine. Thank you for contacting me, Miss Joan. It's rare we see demonic forces at work on this world, but when we do..."

Kyo: ...Super Holy Batman will be there!

I nodded and he went. I waved him goodbye outside b4 going back to Em.

He looked adorable asleep, almost like Ward. They were related after all...

Miyu: Related by adoption, yes. But hey, I'm not going to judge that.

I brushed my hair and smiled. I could tell everyone Em was now safe, but James...he was still a danger we must deal with.

Kyo: And the sane Christians everywhere found the real danger -- which was Erin -- and beat the stuffing out of her.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

lol you know what I imagined the love hearts to look like? Cats in party hats with the hat pushed a bit down lol!!!! Anyway, thanks for reading. Cya next chapter. xoxoxoxoxoxo

Miyu: Um, now that I think about it, that thought is cute.
Kyo: *gets up* Yep, I'm heading back to the kitchen. I'm sure you can manage the next chapter.
Miyu: Okay. Thank you, Kyo.
Kyo: Yep.

Chapter 15 - Moonlite Soonatah

Miyu: Beethoven's rolling around in his grave due to the misspelling of his piano piece.

YO! Sorry I've gotten a tad lazy of late but i'll tru not to from now on! REGULAR UPDATES AGAIN! I promiss. And seriously you nasty reviwoes, STOP. I"VE ASKED AND ASKED AND ASKED BUT YOU DON"T! GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU> GO> AWAY!!!!!!!!!!111111

Miyu: *flatly* Well, that was certainly threatening.

ok so for the NICE PEOPLE, on with the show! :3 Oh yeah, these love harts are kittren! NAWWWWWWWWW! :3

<:3<:3<L3<:3<:3<:3<:3<:3<:3<:3

Cassy: *yowls*
Miyu: Thanks for the convenient cat sound, Cassidy.
Cassy: "Convenient"?! Manic just spilled some hot rice on my leg!
Manic: I said I was sorry, Cass! Jess is going to treat your burn, man!

Night came and I walked outside. Em was k so I had left him to deal with his life/fate.

Miyu: Yes, because he is a... "sinnar".

I condisered calling the old manfart to tell him wear I was but he'd probably yell at me so I just send a text saying I'd be home sometime. Drunken bastard.

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* Hypocritical jackass. I believe that it is even now.

I flapped the hair out of my gemstoned green eyes and

Miyu: ...Manic soon pawned them.
Manic: Yeah, that reminds me, I didn't look up the prices of emeralds yet...

looked into the sky from da bacony. It wa night. There were stars and they all glistteresd at me and I smiled back. tI was beutiful.

Miyu: I don't think the stars care about your existence, either.

I had changed into a black gown becorse Al (Erni: Alice shortend)

Miyu: So why don't you just copy and paste Alice's name?
Amy: Then she'd have to do the same to... well, everyone else, basically.

decided to trade clothes wtih me so I could wear some of her nice oldern day stuff; not quite a little black dress but it went but my nis. I had also used a makeup on my face and Maybalean Mascara for the eyes (Joan: Long Lashes Urdition for the win!)

Miyu: Pointless filler information.

THe wind ruslet against me, my smooth creme skin rippling under the koonlgiht.

Miyu: Eww, that's a rather scary thought.

I shived, and warm arms raped around me. I felt a warm, genital breath on my neck. I new it was hymn.

Sonic: And then the--
Everyone else: Don't you dare praise that, Sonic!

"Ward..." I spoke softly and elegantly.

Miyu: As opposed to quietly and logically.

"Jaon...I love you..." He spoke deliciously and i wanted hymn but then i remembers the bad stuff he had done and pulled gently away from his graps.

Manic: And she said that murder wasn't good!
Sonic, Kyo: Hallelujah!

"What is wrong Joan?" He asked.

"Have you fotalked to Em?" I answered, THe wind ruslet against me, "Have you"

Miyu: You are not Ryu. You cannot have a random wind blow against you.

He walked up to me and planted a kidd on my back of my head.

Miyu: Enjoy your motherhood.

I tore away again. Devine ass he may b,

Kyo: *as Erin/Joan* ...his--
Everyone else: Hey!
Kyo: *as Erin/Joan* ...was even more "devine".

but he had to answer - he had cleansed hymnself, but...he still had to talk to Em to make it rite.

Miyu: With "Rite Guard" made by the man "hymnself".

"Joan, I...I'll speak to him and forgive him."

Miyu: Forgive him for what? You murdered him!

"He folwoled thine Lord's TEECHINGS! He has nothing to fagrave!"

Miyu: *as Erin/Joan* You... you heeeeathan!

I cried and ran off the balcony. Ward grabbed me and held me in hisarms.

Miyu: You know, you could've let her fall to her doom.

"Joan, I will...what is bothering you? I know you. You don't become this upset...unless...is...it...something...to...to...do...with...me, Joan..?"

"Yes, it is. I love you too deeply to let this pass, especially with james on the loss. I...I...I need to know if you'll ever beetray me."

Miyu: Yes. As a matter of fact, he's leaving you for an entire hive of bees.

Ward looked shocked, so I walked up to hymn to explain.

Sonic: And He said that she couldn't take his nonsense!
Manic, Kyo: Hallelujah!
Miyu: Um... thanks, guys...

"I love you Ward, I feel sif I always have. I canot invest myself knowing you might hurt me."

Miyu: Hey, at least he didn't place you in the stock market.
Sonia: She'll just cause an economic crash within the first twenty minutes.

He looked at the ground. "Joan I never could -"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1" I screamed. Ward was surprised.

Miyu: It's probably because you didn't let him finish his sentence!

"No, Ward, I meen I neas to no if you'll want to be with me forever. I promise I'll never hurt you or beetray u."

Miyu: And then Pooh's Hunny Pot was found.

"What do you mean, Erin?"

Miyu: Yes... Erin...

"I meae...I cannot stand the idea of you ever betraying me for another woman. I want you Ward, and only you." I thought of Jay. I could never beetray Ward...wasn't it right to ask the same? "I want to marry you...and...I want to beclaim a Vampore.

Miyu: But I don't want the hypocrite to become a blackhead!

he walked to the Baclkony. "I don't know if I can...it's barly enough to keep control of myself. I understand Jasme,

All: Who's Jasme?

and why he wants you...you smell too wunderfool for this world.

Manic: And the wonderful smell of poop makes the rounds!
Sonia: Manic...

I don't think we should see eachother again Joan; we'll proctract you from James, but then we musk part.

Miyu: So... you're going to arrange her into a thirty degree angle of some sort while you're doused with cologne? Nice.

It the best for us both." he had treeas falling from his amba eyes.

Miyu: Ouch! Well, at least we can save the rainforests with that odd feature.

He flew away.

Miyu: He... flew?
Kyo: Worst Superman cosplay ever.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<#,3

Poor Joan!

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* Too bad, who cares?

Will Ward commit to her..?

Miyu: Yes, because it's a Mary Sue story.

Find out sometime soon! ^_^ lol Becca told me of this emoticon, so thanks to her!

And you people, you no who u are. Don't fucking flame. I'm sick off your PATHECIT LIVES!!!!!!

Miyu: And you're self-inserting yourself into something that millions of fangirls have also done. So... that's rather ironic.

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