Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Special Episode 2: Brewdening Love (Part Nine)

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Note: This part is now in Amy's hands. (Her dish is a dessert. It's strawberry shortcake.)

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Amy: But you can't banish my good salami!

All: Yes, you are!

Amy: But... Joan learns nothing! What the heck are you talking about?

Amy: Hypocrisy's not a religion. Sorry.

Amy: Hey! Don't insult my newly purchased hat!

Amy: Yes, we know, "no homo" and all of that nonsense.

Amy: Obvious Note: Nobody really loves her.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oi0o0o

Amy: Maybe I can use the "i" there to pop one of those "bubbles".

"YOU ARE BETRAILING GOD AND LIFING IN SIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!1" Jay scremed as he bust thru the floor. "YOU ARE COMPLIMATING BEFORE MERRIGE, OBLIVIOUSLY SATAN HAD ENTARED YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111"

Amy: Huh?!
Jessie: Oh, Christ Almighty...
Kyo: I told you, Jess... He ain't helping us.

Jacub was reelly upset becarse he had had just converted to christinaty and he was now living his live buy the bible. I new he was rite, he was tyring to stop us for foreva living in sin.

All: Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak...

We had left santa into our lifes and gon agenst the Lords teechings.

Amy: Yes, nothing's more evil than a man who may or may not give you gifts or coal once a year.

I cryed crylingly.

Amy: I hit myself hittingly with my hammer.

I was a bed christen.

Amy: Well, you were nearly bedded.

I pussed edad way from me.

Amy: Uh, what?

I dint want to see his prefect body and sexah face wile we were in this predickament.

Amy: Uh... what?
Cassy: Insert bad penis joke here.

I left the room and he went to fallow me but I shut the door so he count.

Amy: Never mind the fact that he could... I don't know... open it again.
Cassy: Somebody likes to walk in the nude...

I went in the confussion box and bowed my head in shane. I wasn't wrothy of beeninh in the holey hose of God.

Amy: I'm already sitting in the confusion box that's known as the living room.

"What are your sins my chid?" asked Father James Holden. Tears flurried down my eyes.

Amy: And then they caused three inches of snow to accumulate!

"I almost comited the sin of sex befour merrage." I said with tears in my voce. I was so asshaned of myshelf

Amy: She has the world's weirdest tears. They can speak now!

"But you stoped?" said Father then i kodded.
"Then you are forgaven. You have not sinned bad enouh. Will Ward be seaking forgivence?"

Amy: Last I checked, he killed his adopted brother. I guess a second time never hurt anyone.

"Yes he is weighing outside." I said and left the box so edwar could confuss. I fell butter now that I had bean forgaven. Ward came out of the box becorse he had bean forghaven too. Now we could contenue HAPPY CHRISTIAN LIVES!

Amy: Yeah, whatever. When's your next sinning, huh?

We leef the cruch and desided to have a spechel dinar to sellibrate our renew christain life. We had desided never to strey from the bible agen becorse we new we wood be banshed if we did.

Amy: Which they'll then defile in two minutes, and then they'll go to Hell, and blaaaaah...

We al went to the crillans to have diner. MC

Kyo: ...Eiht.
Amy: Who?
Kyo: Look him up, Amy.

cooked up a reelly big meel with lots of differant foods. We ate allot of food until my phone rang. I asnwered the phone

Cassy: Uh-oh! Akuma has Joan's number!
Amy: Huh?
Cassy: Oh, I'll explain later, dude.

"Joen you have to cume hoem straight away!" said dad. He was always reeking my fun.

Amy: Yeah, nothing's more fun than acting like an ungrateful brat to your father. Props and such.

"K dad I repied and hanged up. I tole ward that I had to leeve and then I left.

Amy: Are you going to let me know when you left?

When I got home the hoise was dark. I walked thru the door then I shunnedly remembered that dad was wroking in the nest town on a building sight. Why did he call me to came home if he was int eh nexd tomw?

Amy: And why does he need three bajillion jobs?
Sonic: And why did she suddenly remember that after coming to a dark place? Man, she sort of deserves to be nuked for her stupidity.

I gessed he wanted mt to lock affer the hose. I went into the TV room adn then i saw it

Amy: Oh, crap! It's the "Ring" girl!

JOMS AND VICTORA AND THEIR ARMS WHERE WEIGHING FOR ME THEY WERE GON TO KULL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111

Amy: Yes, that's nice. Don't forget to put the leftovers in the fridge, dear.

0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

A/N: OH NO, what will joan do now?

Kyo: Bite the dust?
Amy: You're only saying that because you're riffing after me.
Kyo: No, I'm saying that because she just won't die.

The next chappter will be reely exsighting. Trust me. ;-)

All: No, it won't.

<3 God revoews pleese. <3 <3

All: No.

26 – Sad

Amy: Guess what I'm sad about?
Miyu: Um, the fact that it's still continuing?
Amy: You are correct, Miyu.

A/N: I sad this chapter was gong to be exsighting and it is, thanks to jenny and beca who halped me mak it reelly good.

Amy: Oh, I think I'll be the judge of that.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

I woke up in ward arms, he was halding me looking concerned.

Amy: Hey, where'd he come from?

"whats wrong?" he asked concerndly.

Amy: And I sat here confusingly.

"Victor and Joms are at my dads and trhey are gong to ate me!" i Yell.

Amy: Um... they aren't going to eat you in your house if you're not in your house!

I locked at edwrd and then remambered that affer we went to chuch we came back to his home to havbe a diner and then we just went to bed.

Kyo: *booing*
Amy: What?
Kyo: I give that the award for the worst ass pull so far. Lady should've died of night terrors.

I started to clam down, i new my dad wood be alright and that there was no evil vampires at my hose.

Amy: Or ghosts.
Manic: Or common sense.
Sonia: Or plot.

It was mourning so we both got out of bed and I wet home to see dad.

Amy: And he's either drunk or on his four bajillionth job.

When I got in the door he was already drink. He was lating on the couch and smell reelly bad.

Amy: Well, that 50/50 chance at being correct certainly comes in handy sometimes.

Wen he saw me he got up and come over to me. He locked meen and anger. I was scarred.

Sonia: This fic's scarring me... and I haven't riffed by myself yet.

"were were you lass night?" He asked meenly. I was shacking

Amy: ...up with Sparkle Man again.

"I was at my boyfcriends, ward culeen renember?" I said

Amy: He is drunk. I don't think that his memory is a strong point at the moment.

"YOU DINT TELL ME YOU WERE AT YOU BOYFRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 HOW DARE YOU GO PLACES WITHOUT TELLING ME THAT YOU WERE GONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111"

Amy: Oh. Never mind, then.

Dad yellowed hard, he was so drunk and anger that his voice was loud and hut my ears.

Amy: Because logic hurts poor Erin... I mean, Joan's brain!

"Well you are always to dunk to lissen." I said back, no I was mad. He was not even a chirstan.

Amy: Yes, because he has to be a Christian to be your father. You're a jerk.

"WHAT DID YOU SAUY?" dad scremmed all mad like. "YOU ARE GRONDED< GO TO YOU ROMM AND DONT COME OUT UNTIL I SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111" He pointed his drunk finger up the stars.

Amy: Wow, I'd like to see if Jessie's fingers and toes can be drunk along with her!
Jessie: Okay, how many drunk jokes are you all going to make about me?
Manic: A bunch.

I ran up, crying and breathing. He was so meen and so unfare. I dint do anything rong.

Everyone except Amy: Oh, really?!
Amy: *pulls out a list, puts on a pair of glasses* Number... seven, is it?
Sonic: Six, Ames.
Amy: Oh, okay. *clears her throat* Number six: You basically treat your dad like garbage.

I locked myself in my room and sat on the bed, tears going everywere.

Amy: Those tears really need to be analyzed by scientists or something.

The only reeson he dint want me out of ymn room is becose he dint like Ward.

Amy: Considering that he's this close to getting you pregnant, I wouldn't like him, either.

It wasn't fare.

All: It is fair, you dingbat!

I went overt to the mirrar and saw my makeup was all smouged. I took it off and then put on some new makeup. I put on nice green eyeshadwow that and i did a nice nateral looking fondation.

All: This just in: Nobody cares.

Ity made me fell allot better now that I loked pretty agen.

Amy: Man, she's more vain than Sonia!
Sonia: I am not that vain, Amy!
Sonic: Really? By the way, you have some butter splotches on your cheek, sis.
Sonia: What?! And I do all this to keep my face looking youthful!
Everyone else: Hypocrite.

"Can I come in?" It was fenado.

Amy: The actual guy, right? Not Jake... right?
Manic: I find it odd that the dad's so pissed at her, but he'll let guests in at the drop of a hat.

He wazs nice and helpful so I let him in. He came in and sat on my bed and looked at me. He had nice taned skin and always had a nice bug smil. He always made me fell better.

Amy: Well, if a mouth full of bugs are your thing, I guess I should feel happy for you, too.

"I hurt what your fatter was yeling at you," he said, "it was not good." He said in his mexcan assent. It was cut.

Amy: How about Kyo's French accent?
Kyo: I don't need an accent to signal that I'm a grouch.

"yeh well he is always so meen to me, he doesn't even know what its like to be a good Christian tring to live with an aloholice." I groned gronningly.

Amy: And I smashed myself smashingly again.

Fenando nodded becorse he new what i mean. He was a christen too.

Amy: Because Christianity is the only religion. Whatever.

"He came over and hagged me, it will be okay" he said, I love you" and then he left the room wile I stared at him. He loved me? In a good firenly way or in a boyfriend girlfriend way?

Amy: You're a Sue, so I'm guessing that it's the latter.

I sat back on my bed looking all confussed. Why dint peeple understood that I was wuith ward and I loved him more than anything

Amy: Because you're thinking with your vagina instead of your brain?

(ERIN: Eccept God becose I could love nothing more than I love god)

All: Whatever, heathen.

He was my boyfriend. I desided to go to bed becose I was tyred.

Amy: You can turn into a rubber tire, but I'm actually tired. Is my part over now?
Sonic: Nope.
Amy: Aww.

I was laying in my bed looking at the dark celling when ther was a nock at the window, it was Edwar. He came in the window and sat on the bed next to me. He was reelly comfarting just him beaning there. I snaggled up to his bedy.

Amy: The sexy portion of the story, ladies and gentlemen!
Jessie: Where? All I saw was fetish retardant.

"What happened today, we were supost to go to yoith groop." He asked me askingly, i could tell he was warried that something bad had happend.

Amy: Like logic! You know that we can't have that logic!

"My meen old fatter gronded me and said I cant leeve the room until he said. And that could be in a mouth."

Amy: Hey... when did "never" translate into "one month"?

I told edweard upsetly. Ward raped his arm arond me.

Amy: "Raped his arm"? That isn't very Christian, people.

"It will be ok, all the otter christens were asking about you in Youth Groop.

Amy: Heh, "groop". I don't know why that misspelling's so funny to me.

They were worryd that something bad mite have happend to you."

Amy: Yes, because they all have to be concerned about her.
Everyone else: *coughblackholesuecough*

I felt water come out of my eyes.

Amy: Wa... water? Seriously?
Miyu: Um... Joan, honey? You've diluted the living bejesus out of your bodily fluids! Get a doctor!

"I will go nex weak." I told him and wad smelled the most sexah smell ever. It made my body shack and shivar.

Amy: When did smells become sexy? I really want to know when that happened.

I kissed him on his perfect check and asked him to say here with me tat night couse dad had said i had to stay here for a long time by myshelf. Edward agreed. We lay down together but we dint do anything naghty becourse we were both born agen. All we did was heg and sleep.

Kyo: Boring!
Miyu: Kyo...
Kyo: What, Miyu? She's horny! Let her do it! Or at least she should try--
Miyu: Don't you dare finish that sent--
Kyo: Masturbation.
Miyu: Kyo!
Kyo: What? She says all of that offensive garbage through all of these chapters, and I can't say that one word?
Miyu: *sighs* I guess you have a point there.

Then the door opened and i was confussed becorse I had locked it so no one could get in

Amy: I guess she's never heard of *gasps* a key!
Manic: Or maybe she did a piss poor attempt at locking it.

Amy: *woodenly* Well, that certainly made me jump.

It was dad.

All: No, really?!

A/N: Ndew moon comes out soon. I cant weight to see how hot Edward Cullen is going to be!!!!!!!1111 Me jennu and beca have our tuckets for the midnight sceening. I cant weight!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

Amy: Heh, wait until she sees the terribly hairy chest.
Cassy: I guess she also forgot the fact that he was notably absent during most of the book.

A/N: Im egnoring peeple that are meen and that want me to warship the devil. I send christien love to Jenna Becca and everone at yourth groop. God loves us all

All: Blah, blah, blah...

Me and dad and Wars stared at each toher then dad came in the room, he was going to hut me.

Amy: Oh, that's neat! May I suggest straw? It's nice and simple.

Ward got up sexahly and defancivley and stod beteen me and dad.

Amy: And I snickered snickeringly.

"It is my falt, I sneaked into her rom becase I love her!!!!!!!"

All: You're horny, you blithering moron!

wARD told dad. He looked stuned then he said. "I am her boyfriend Edwerd Cillen." Wards voice was reely brewdy and sexah.

Amy: So... your girlfriend's father catches you in her room, and the first thing you do... is to introduce yourself?
Kyo: I tried that with Miyu's father... he tossed my ass out.
Amy: Oh, it couldn't have been that bad.
Kyo: It was a third story window, Amy.
Amy: Ooh.

Ward left trhough the window

"GET TO SCHOOL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" DAD yell at me and I got out of bed and got reedy to go to school.

Amy: Well. That's a different kind of parenting, I guess.

I put on some blac eye shadeew and pink lipstic. I made my makeup reelyy hot and put on a nice black shirt that came to just above my nees and I put on a nice light blue tank top that left my arms uncovered.

Amy: *stammers* D-do we really care about that?!

Then I waled to school.

Amy: I tiled myself to school one time.

"I am sorry bout dad" I told him and he chukled sexah like

Amy: This fic's un-sexah like.

:Its K, I ove you." He told me and i cherried up.

Amy: It was peachy, actually.

Jenna and Jacob came and sat at our table too, then it was time for class, we went to maths class.

Amy: Thrill as they go to class!

In maths class there was a new boy with sexah blonde hare and he was wering a small cross around his neak he was in a sexah black top that hagged his mussels and he wore tight jeens.

Amy: Actually, I'm more interested in the rabbit there.

Becca came beside me halding hands with jap.

Amy: Uh... you mean Jasper, right?
Sonia: *sarcastically* Hooray for possibly hidden racism!

Jenny who had came to my other side nextr to ward wunked and me, "He's cute."

Amy: Ah, jeez! How many boys does Jenny need to fall for?! Seriously!

I agrued but only in my heed becase Ward was beside me too.

Amy: So... you didn't argue.

"Hi Im erni?" I hald out my hand becase it is polight.

Amy: Which you're not, "Erni". And how the heck do you not know your own name?!

"I am brian," said brain and he shaked my hand.

Amy: Ah, it's the well known "'I' before 'A' except after whatever letter you magically want it to be" rule taking effect now.

"Are you a christen too?" I asked and he said yes.

Amy: Yes, apparently you too can beat up old ladies and take away their purses, just as long as you're a Christian.

"This is my Christina boyfriend Ward," I told brian. Brian locked at ward and said hi but he looced sad that I was with Ward.

Amy: Heck, Edward's sad that he's with you. Yeah. Think about it.

The teecher camer in the room so we stopped talking and listen to him

Amy: But since he's not Edward, forget him.

At lunh time I invalid Briain to sit next to us. He sat next to Em. I couldn't tell who was sexaher, Em or Brian.

Amy: I'll help you out there. You now have permission to make out with... a brick wall! Yippee!

"Yesterday, " said brian. I moved hear frome Canada. Canada is a batter citey then Forks thou." He told us.

Amy: *dumbfounded* Canada... is... a city?
Cassy: Yeah, and I'm eight feet tall.

"Why did you move from Canada?" I assed sexahly and seductively and interestedly.

Amy: Well, you are an annoying ass. And I think I'm going to smash you smashingly, heavily, and happily.

"Becase my mumand dad want to live hear." He said, he locked gronchly but that made him lok hoter.

Amy: If cranky people make her all hot, I'd hate to see what would happen if she met Kyo.
Kyo: She'd turn into a pile of ashes before she could ever lay a hand on me, that's for damn sure.

(ERIN: But not as hot as Ward K!)

All: Would you shut up about that?!

"Why?:" I said looking at brian who was talling to Becca.

"I donot now, I will find out." Ward said angerly.

Miyu: "Plot Convenience Playhouse" will return after this.

I dint now why Ward was so growly and anger like. He looked so hot and sexah when he is anger thou so I deside to forgive him. I am a good christen afta all.

Amy: Hey, Jessie? I heard that you were good at breaking limbs.
Jessie: I guess, yeah. But since you're a friend, you get a discount. And a free whack to the skull.
Amy: Neat.

It was the end of the day and I was waling thru the car-park, then Brian came up to me. Ward had gone home already becase he was felling sick.

Amy: Must've been a side effect from being in this fanfic.

"Hay," brain wunked at me, I smelled eroctically.

Amy: Eww...

"Hay," I said bacx and he looked at me sexahly and eroctically.
We waled together and brian assed me questions

Amy: He "assed" you? Well, you are an ass, so...

Brain looks at me sadily. I think he likes me but I cant halp that a lot of boys are attacked to me.

Amy: Translation, anyone?
Jessie: I'm a Mary Sue with no morals!
Amy: Thank you!

I walk round the coner and

Amy: ...Tyler completes his mission!
Sonia: Score!

MY HOUSE WAS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111

Amy: Kyo! Did you just set her house on fire?!
Kyo: Yes, I did it! And I'll do it again, damn it! Hell, I'll even toss her butt into the flames!
Manic: Actually... that's not a bad idea, man.

A/N: I was lissening to some awsum chirstant musac and it gave me inspiritration. I hop you lie this chatter as much as I do.

Kyo: *laughing evilly* I actually like the end of this one...
Sonia: *sighs heavily* And this is why you should never give a pyromaniac the powers of pyrokinesis.
Amy: Well, considering that the cliffhanger involves a house on fire, can we have S'mores over it?
Miyu: I believe that I should second that motion.

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