Mystery Science Theater En Masse: The Movie

Super Special 1: A Cruel Angel's Thesis (Part One)

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Note: This fic has nothing explicit, but the three riffers that will tackle each part will be mentioned to avoid confusion. They are immune from riffing until the riffer pool resets after every seventh part, and they cannot use any backups at all. However, the ones who aren't riffing may chime in once in a while, similar to the "Brewdening Love" riffing.

This part will be mainly riffed by Jessie, Kyo K., and Tomoko.

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Prologue - Sanctuary

She slowly lifted her emerald eyes to the sky.

Jessie: And we're already starting on the wrong foot. Did she take her eyes out and let them float to the clouds?

Despite the fact that it was still February, the wind was filled with the scent of cherry blossoms, swolen on every tree on the mountain.

Kyo: That global warming's at work again.

The wind brushed her cheeks and rustled her short sepia hair. Silence. It felt like she was the only person in the world.

Tomoko: Yeah, Mary Sues do that a lot. They suck everyone's souls so that they're the last one standing.

In a warm daze from the overwhelming scent of spring, the woman leanded her back onto the ancient beam she sat by.

Kyo: Wait... it's warm... in February? I mean, we're not in Brazil like in the last crap fic that I dealt with!
Jessie: Nobody cares about the weather when there's a plot to ruin.

She sat on the exposed hallway of this ancient shrine, embrased tenderly between the tall mountains of Izumo. The halls were black from the ages, and gleamed in the sunlight. She ran her ivory fingers down the oak floor. Spotless, as usual. She shifted her vision from the bright garden to the room that opened eagerly by her. It was only a few months ago that she awaken. Covered with bandages and herbal ointment, she emerged from her long slumber. Her days before that, she has lost in time....

Tomoko: Yeah, and I'm lost, period.
Jayleen: Honestly, this prose is a lot more flowery than my speeches!
Jessie: At least you make sense most of the time, sweetie.

She closed her eyes, heavy with her lush eyelashes, and drank the sunlight.

Kyo: *confused* How in the hell do you drink sunlight?
Jessie: She's drinking Sunny Delight, Kyo.
Kyo: I wish.

A soft pattering of footsteps approached her.

Tomoko: So now we have footsteps coming to people. Oh, this is going to be a great fic.

"I'm sorry, since you've visited me so suddenly, all I have were these kasuteras (Japanese pound cakes)..."
A frail girl stood there, dressed in red and white robes--the typical priestess clothes. Dark brown hair flowed from her head to her waist, framing her small face. She carried a tiny tray with two plates, and green tea. The woman looked up at her, and smile.

Kyo: This must be our Sue of the day, huh?
Tomoko: I guess. What's with Sues being all skinny and frail, huh?
Jessie: They all follow a certain guideline. I mean, they can be jerks and get away with it. They also can't be overweight, and they need to have a skinny waist, while large breasts are optional. They also need to be pale skinned, incredibly powerful, and attract lots of suitors.
Tomoko: *flatly* Oh, yay. It's one of these fics. Reminds me of that Isis twit who fell in love with her Uncle Boyfriend.
Kyo: *confused* Uncle... Boyfriend?
Tomoko: It's a long and dumb story.

"No, I'm sorry, too, for the sudden visit. It's may sound strange, since I seem to be a foreigner, but I in fact love kasutera!"
With a relieved expression sweeping her face, the girl hurrily set down the cakes and tea beside her.

"So, it's almost spring around here already..."
"Yes, and it only seems like only weeks ago that you two were brought here....how's Miss Mature, by the way?"
"Oh, fine, as usual. She's taking care of 'Crazy Clouds', so I'm not worried."
"The boutique you two opened? How's the business going?"
"Pretty good, actually. It's probably because Mature always flirts with the customers!"
The two chuckled.

Kyo: I'm not chuckling. Those two are running a boutique? How, why, and how?
Jessie: Because, who knows, and because.
Tails: *as he's looking the canon up on his Miles Electric, whispers to the Egg Spiral members* That doesn't make any sense. Mature and Vice were killed after the 1996 tournament, and then they came back as physical... ghosts of a sort.
Amy: Well, to be fair, they were killed offscreen, so nobody would notice that. Also, this fic was written long before KOF XIII.
Tails: You have a point, Amy. But how in the world did they manage to survive Iori's Riot of the Blood?
Sonic: Maybe we'll get some answers later in the fic or something.
Tails: Yeah, you're right, Sonic.

"And you, Kira? Are you still living in this old temple by your self?"
"Well, I have no choice....my family's lived here for generations."

Kyo: "I have no choice," she said. Yeah, okay. If she didn't leave, we wouldn't be riffin' this thing right now.

"Hmmm...well, I wish you can come to Tokyo for once, so I can repay you with the hospitality you're offered us."
"I would love to, but...."
The young priestess, Kushinada smiled.
"So, what brings you here, Miss Vice?"

Tomoko: She's got a plot device. Duh.

Vice felt in her new Gucci handbag for her purpose of her visit at the Holy Shrine in the depths of the mountains of Izumo.

Jessie: Wait, why is Vice running about with a Gucci handbag?
Kyo: Probably borrowed it from Mature.

Kira watched her patiently. Finally, Vice pulled out a manilla envelope. On it was the words "To the Kushinada Priestess".

Kyo: Wait, what? I hate to bring this out in the open, but... my own girlfriend is the descendant of Kushinada, and she wasn't stuck on some mountain top. So what the hell is this?
Tomoko: Something that's not gonna look good for you in the future, Kusanagi.

"I believe this is for you, Miss Kushinada, but it was sent to our boutique in Tokyo last week."

Kyo: Well, that's because there's no address for some dumb ol' mountain top.

Kushinada received the envelope, and opened it with her ivory finger.

Jessie: Okay, we need to stop with the "ivory" fingers there. We know. You're pale skinned. We got it.

From it slipped out a card and a letter. Vice continued.
"The person obviously knows that we know you....do you know the person, Miss?"

Reading the letter and glancing at the card, Kushinada grinned calmly.
"Yes, yes I know this person. Very well, indeed. And guess what she sent me?"
Vice leaned over Kushinada's shoulder to look at the card, and read the words on it.

"You are invited to the....KING OF FIGHTERS '97....?"

Tomoko: Why the hell did that end in a question mark?
Jessie: For suspense.
Tomoko: Yeah, well, it failed. She's just going to run all over those peons when we get to the tournament, anyway.

Chapter 1 - Over Night Sensation

A month later, a warm March night in Tokyo.

The streets of Shibuya were still bustling with people, despite that it was already past 2:30 am. People swarmed up the allies, friends and lovers alike, as if the night has just begun. Even the street just branching from Center-Gai (Central Avenue) was filled with the heat of excitement. Music boomed into the streets from the live houses and dance clubs. One in particular, in the small ally by Center-Gai still had a line at the doorway.

Jessie: Wow, you all never sleep, huh?
Kyo: This is coming from the woman with some late night escapades under her belt.
Jessie: Hey, if nobody gets hurt, it's all good.

Above that busy doorway was a neon written "Hesperia*" blinking at the dark sky, and under it hang a banner with the words "Open today!!". Of course, in the city of Shibuya, even a small live house like this is welcomed by the youths with open arms. Thus, a line of eager visitors still swarmed at the doorway.

Tomoko: Okay, what's so special about this "Hesperia" joint? Any one of you Prowers wanna help me out on that?
Miyu: Um... it says that Kushinada owns it.
Everyone else: *baffled* How?!
Miyu: I wish I knew. Maybe the fic will try to explain it while flailing about in the process later.
Emi: Also, that "Hesperia" name actually means something.
Jessie: Yes? And what does that say?
Emi: According to the footnote, it says that "Hesperia" is the name of the the land of the Evening Stars in Greek Mythology, located in the west edge of the world. At Hesperia, there was a tree that bore golden apples sacred to the Goddess Hera that granted immortality to those who ate it."
Kyo: Now the name of the club has some sort of "sentimental" meaning? This... probably means that Kushinada is meant to be a goddess in this fic!
Tomoko: Oh, this is going to be so stupid.

It was even more crammed beyond the doors. The narrow hallway that lead to the Live room was packed with drunk people. The room, with a stage at the furthermost end, was muggy from the sheer amount of people in it. A blend of smoke from cigarettes coiled in the air, as the murmurs from the audience merged into a restless hum, like the steady rhythms of waves. The hum turned into a roar as the lights in the room went off, engulfing everything in shadows. All that could be seen is the doorway that lead to the hallway, and the emergency exit signs that lit dimly in the hazy darkness. Then a spotlight beamed onto the center of the stage. A boy, about 17 in age, stepped into the light and raised his hand. The murmurs diminished. He lightly grinned in the gleam, and wiped his thin ponytail from his shoulder.

Jessie: What's he still doing up if he's seventeen? Shouldn't he be in bed? I thought that Japan frowns on that sort of stuff.
Kyo: Logic, Flirt.

"Thanks so much for coming to the first Live concert of 'Stella'! Unfortunately this is our last song for this night, but we look forward in seeing you again." Peachy sighs of girls could be heard from all over the mass of people. The boy straighten his vest that he wore on his bear chest,

Tomoko: ...he really needs to shave that chest.

and pointed his finger at the audience. "NOW, for the grand finale! 'Let's do the Motion'!!" The room filled with cheers again as the spotlight turned off.

Kyo: Can I do the "I don't give a rip" dance?

Boo.....m!

With the heavy base shaking the room, the spotlight showered down in a streak onto the stage again. Instead of the boy, a girl now shined in the light. Her brown hair, cropped neatly at her chin, shimmered with her movement. The audience churned in the flaring light with the pulsing beat.

"Every body wants to see the Sun! Every body wants to see the moon!...."

Kyo: *sarcastically* Oh, this clearly has nothing to do with me and Yagami!
Jessie: This is gonna suck, isn't it?
Tomoko: Oh, this is really gonna suck, Baxter.

The ally behind the towering buildings.

Jessie: There are allies? Can we get some to get through this fic?
Rory: You have seventeen of us right here, Jess!
Jessie: *smiles* Thank you, Rory.
Jayleen: Don't you mean eighteen, Hancock?
Rory: Uh... no.
Cassy, Axl: *snickers*
Jayleen: I question your counting abilities.
Rory: Well, I question your hair.
Jayleen: How dare you insult my hair! This hairstyle is the one that Isadore always creates for me!
Rory: *confused* I'm supposed to care about that?
Jayleen: You--!
Axl: *laughs* Okay, okay, stop it, you two! Let's just continue looking at this thing! *to Rory* You... next time, you gotta be careful when you talk to her. She doesn't know your odd brain too well.
Rory: Am I really that odd?
Axl: Yes. Yes, you are.

The deep booms from the live house could be heard in the darkness of cardboard boxes and small puddles from an early spring rain. Swift footsteps into the dark ally disturbs the puddles with an abrupt splash. Two shadows shuffle in the dark.

Tomoko: Shadows are shuffling?
Kyo: Maybe they'll break dance next.

One of them stop behind the other, and stood there firmly. The unusually warm wind rustle his short sienna hair, kept out of his face with a white bandana.

Jessie: *annoyed* Oh, my god, just say "brown". It's not that hard.

He shoved his hands into his pockets as he turned and glared at the other shadow. An emblem of a magnificent sun shimmered on his back.

Kyo: Crap, it's me. Oh, this isn't gonna look good, is it?
Jessie: We're riffing this, so... no.

"You don't know when to give up, do you?....Are we really gonna do this?"

Cassy: This must be what they say before they get it on. Get the Marvin Gaye, dudes!
Miyu: Cassidy!

Kyo said as he scratched his head, rustling his hair. The other shadow, another man, smiled mockingly at Kyo's remark, and slowly raised his right hand. Sparks flew, and a violet haze danced in his palm. The flame gleamed and danced on the man's maroon hair, that draped heavily over his cold eyes.

Jessie: "A violet haze danced in his palm"? This prose is more purple than Miyu's eyes and Iori's flames combined!

"This is our destiny......I don't care where or when it is."
"I really don't care about the crap behind our family's past, but...."

Jessie: *as Kyo* ...I'll end up contradicting myself later.

Kyo pulled his left hand out of the pocket of his black jeans. He waved it in the air, and scarlet flames burst into the night. The sparks lit his beautiful face..."I'll buy any fight that you're offering me, Yagami!"

Kyo: Yeah, and I'll be paying for that fight with another hospital trip.

The music from the live house streamed into the ally.

"....Wait for the sirens to ring in your mind, like a sharpened silver knife Searchlights dance in the sky About the time when a firecracker burst in the night, a miracle boils up!!"

"Kurae (eat this)....!!!"

"....I need a second, I'll be in it. I need a vision, higher and higher. Ooohhhh.....RIGHT NOW!!"

"Doushita (what's wrong)!!?"

Tomoko: Those dumb lyrics are wrong. When'd this turn into a songfic?
Jessie: I thought songfics were used in romantic or sexual situations. Eh, Kyo?
Kyo: Shut up, Flirt.
Jessie: *pouts* You're no fun.

"Brighter days! Brighter nights! Brighter days! Brighter nights..."
The voice faded into the roars of the crowd inside.

Kyo: If I wanted a brighter day, I'd watch Fox Clone set himself on fire.

"Nice going, guys!" Cheerful chings from the kissing glasses filled the now empty live room of "Hesperia". The members of the band all sat on clean stage. The room felt fresh after the violent cleansing it received after the crowd left for the night.

Jessie: What did they do, bathe it in Rory's light?
Rory: I wish I could do that with my powers!

"Man, am I tired!" After chugging down the beer from the glass, the drummer exclaimed. His body glistened with sweat as his T shirt clinged to his well-toned body. His hair that usually flowed freely from his head was now streaked back with sweat. "You were jammin' pretty hard, weren't you, Itsuki?" Itsuki grabbed another beer, and smiled. "Yeah, but now I'm tired, man!"  He chuckled as he opened the beercan. "I'm really tired too....let's call it quits for today". Shizuku, the bouncer and manager of the band, said as she snatched the beer out of the hands of Itsuki. "And you had too much, mister!" Every one laughed as they got up and began to walk towards the hallway.

Tomoko: *flatly* Comedy.
Everyone else: *flatly* My sides.

"Hm? Where are you going, Kira??" Itsuki called out to the short-haired vocalist as she trotted the other direction.
"Oh, I was going to check if I locked the back door."

Jessie: Oh, please. That's just a plot device for her to meet Kyo and Iori. We're not dumb.

"You goin' out that way"
"I guess so."
"Okaaay, ja mata na~! (see ya)"
"Oyasumi~~ (good night)",the crowd exclaimed to Kira as she lightly shook her hand at them. She went backstage, checking if no one left their belongings in the staff room. After turning off the lights for the night, she headed for the back enterance that lead to the ally. Only the soft pats of her shoes on the waxed floor could be heard. Just as she opened the heavy metal door....

Kyo: ...the fic ended. *gets up* Later, ladies. Nice riffing with you.
Jessie: *grabs Kyo's jacket* Your ass needs to reunite with your seat right now.
Kyo: *grimaces as he sits back down*

GOoooo!! Crashhh!!

Sonic: Ah, so those must've been the familiar sounds of Manic's driving exam.
Manic: Dude, shut up!
Sonic: I would if the driving instructor didn't tell Sonia and I that you yelled "Cowabunga!" every time you hit a pothole, ramp, or speed bump!

A huge wave of red flames raged through the ally as Iori slammed into the heap of cardboard boxes from the impact. Kira stood at the doorway dumbfound.

"Wha...!? What the Hell are you two doing behind my place!?"
"Huh?"

Tomoko: So the plot device begins. Who's she gonna fall in love with?
Jessie: Who knows. We'll just have to wait on that one.
Akiko: What? I'm taking bets! I'm calling that she falls in love with Iori!
Tomoko: You better not be betting with money, Miyadama. We know that you read ahead.
Akiko: Well, that killed the betting.
Tomoko: Sorry. Had to do it.

Kyo looked up suprised at the sudden voice of the intruder. Kira glanced at him, and then at the fallen Iori. Though Kyo wasn't close to Iori in damage, cuts and bruises were seen all over him.

Kyo: *laughs* Really? That guy literally has the ability to burn, hack, and slash. And "my" injuries aren't that severe?
Benimaru: He can literally cut you up like you're a ham!
Rory: Mmm, ham...

"Picking a fight? That's fine with me, but don't burn the whole building down for it, for crying out loud..."

Kyo: *as himself* Okay. *burns the fic* See ya.

Kira jumped down from the stairs and trotted over to the crumbled (and burned) heap of cardboard. Still not understanding what's going on, Kyo watched her. She pulled Iori out from the pile, and put his arm around her neck. Trying to support his massive body with hers, Kira began to walk back towards the doorway.

"Uh....what are you doing there, miss?" Kyo asked to her.
"Well, I can't leave an injured man out here, can I?" She said as she hauled Iori into the hallway.

Tomoko: Translation: "This is my hump buddy. Get out."
Jessie: Tomoko, we don't know if he's going to be her love interest yet.
Tomoko: I bet you that he is. Got anything to add, Kusanagi?
Kyo: *as he leans back in his seat* Well, this stuff usually does start when an injured person gets rescued. It's like that one fic where I saved Emi and instantly fell in love with her.
Tomoko: I thought so.
Akiko: Hey, you're a hypocrite, Tomo-chan! You're making bets and I can't?!
Tomoko: *grins* At least I don't read ahead.

She dragged him into a nearby room, where there was an old couch, and slumped him onto it. Relieved by the burden, Kira returned to the doorway.
"Hm, you look hurt too. Not as bad as him, of course, but....do you want to come in, too? I've got some bandages and medicine in here."

Benimaru: *holds up a picture of a ham* Pardon me?
Rory: Put that pic down, you're making me hungry!

Kira gestured at Kyo to come in. Kyo thought about his phobia with medicine, especially the ones for cuts, and shuddered for a second. But remebering he is in the presence of a woman, he quickly straightened himself. He brushed his bangs from his face.

Kyo: Wait, what?! When the hell was I scared of medicine?
Tomoko: Since this fic started to warp ya.
Jessie: And so it begins.

"Nah, guess not. If he (Iori) wakes up when I'm around, your building there will be the setting for Round 2!"

Jessie: We already know that the "he" is Iori. You don't need to hold our hands.

Kyo stuck his hands back into his pockets. He winked at her as he walked out of the ally.

Kyo: No, no, no, no! I better not be falling for her!
Jessie: Too late.

Kyo rubbed his bruise on his cheek with his thumb as he walked through the crowd. Cursing himself for not being able to dodge Iori's blow, Kyo thought about the fight again, and its abrupt end.

"Damn, she was cute.....lucky bastard Iori! Having his wounds patched up by a girl like that! ....guess I should've stayed with them...."

Jessie: And now your soul is hers, Kyo.
Kyo: Fuuuu... oh, god. *buries his face in his hands* Since when did I ever envy Yagami? And when did I ever refer to him by his first name?
Tomoko: Because this dumb fic happened.

Kyo cursed himself again under his breath, trying to be a hot shot to that girl when he could've had his bruises cared for by her too. Then,

"Shimatta! I forgot to ask for her name! Man, this isn't my day!....."

Tomoko: You sure that you're taken, Kusanagi?
Kyo: *sighs* Yes...
Tomoko: Man, Sues really love to push your girlfriend aside, huh?
Kyo: You have no idea, Nakamura.

Iori's body was stretched on the long sofa. His jacket and shirt, stained with blood and dirt, were replaced by a mere piece of paper that rested on his bare chest. The paper had ancient words written on it. It seemed to be a fuda (a Japanese talisman which was a piece of paper with sacred words from the scriptures were written, used for magic and good luck).

Jessie: Couldn't you wait until the end of the chapter to explain that, author?
Tomoko: Nope. We needed to have our hands held so we can cross the parking lot.
Kyo: I'd rather get hit by a bus. These notes are too damn inconsistent. There's a footnote down there and notes in here! What the heck?
Tomoko: Thinking ain't required in fics like these.

Kira sat on the chair that was set by the sofa. Her eyes were closed as she extended her arms to her crossed legs. She whispered words that couldn't be heard, and the fuda on Iori's chest began to glow.
"...on, rin, shao, mei."
The glimmer of the fuda swirled around Iori, then diminished. His fingers began to twitch, and....

"Aargh!"

Jessie: Whoa, when'd this turn into a smut fic?
Kyo: Only you would say something like that. Oh, right; I forgot about Spikes over there.

Iori suddenly arose into a sitting position on the couch. The fuda, ending its mission, vanished into the air. Unaware of his current condition, Iori looked around the foreign room.

"What the hell...? Who are you?"

Iori, realizing he wasn't alone, glared at Kira.
"Who am I? My, after saving you from being beaten out there, this is what I get?"
Kira laughed and got up from her chair.

Kyo: It's Yagami. He's not gonna kiss your ass. Oh, who am I kidding, this is a Sue fic. Of course he's gonna kiss your ass somewhere down the line.

"Being beaten? So, I lost to Kyo again...."
Iori slammed his clenched fist into the sofa, and cursed himself silently to his failure. Again. But where was the pain? Iori examined his body, finding no bruises or cuts from the battle.

"I....? I thought I was bruised all over....?"

Tomoko: Sue healed ya. With magic.

Iori looked up to see Kira, who handed him his jacket and shirt. They were washed, dried, and all of the burns and cuts were mended.

"You know, I labored over those trying to get all the blood stains out!"
And she winked.

Jessie: This is supposed to be funny.
Kyo: A traffic jam is funnier than this.

It was about 4:30 am when they finally left the building. The ally was now filled with a blanket of cold morning mist. Kira locked the back door.

"I didn't know there was a live house around here..."
"It just opened last night. You seem to be a bands man yourself?"
"Kind of, yeah."

Tomoko: "It just opened last night". Yet it's the hottest place in town. What?
Kyo: One prologue in. One chapter in. Zero sense.

Kira looked at her wirst watch and gasped at the time.

"Four thirty!? That was a LONG night! But even with the help of a fuda, being healed in only 2 hours is extraordinary.....I wonder if this is the help of your Orochi blood?"

Iori's eyes widen at the mentioning of the word 'Orochi'.

"Who...what are you?"

Kira only smiled at the puzzled man as she strolled off.
"That's for you to decide, Yagami Iori kun!"
And she melted into the crowd.

Jessie: *falls out of her seat* Oh, my god, stop with the purple prose... and why is she melting like that villain from "Darkwing Duck"?
Kyo: I have no idea. And who the hell proudly goes about saying that they know about the Orochi power?
Tomoko: This Sue does.
Kyo: ...this is gonna suck.
Jessie: Yes. Yes, it will. *gets up* I'm getting a drink.
Tomoko: Have fun with that.

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