Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Three Riffers, Episode 8: The New Girl (KRZR24 version) (Part Ten)

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Warning: Oh, yes, there's a warning. This part contains a scene that heavily resembles domestic abuse.

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Chapter 17

USER REVIEW AWARDS!!

Most helpful reviewer: Dr. Gadget XVII

Least helpful reviewer: badsonicfics

Amy: And thus, the Suethor has fed the troll. *sarcastically claps* Nice job.

(some people might have thought that the review might got to Anonymous who wrote that my story seems a little cliche, and the guys aren't acting there age might have gotten this, but I have to admit that my idea is not the most original)

Sonic: It's not that good, either, but who's talking, really?
Tails: Shouldn't it go to this Anon person... considering that it's... you know, constructive?
Amy: I don't think that the Suethor likes critiques, Tails.

Most frequent reviewer: Dr. Gadget XVII (You don't have to feel like you should give me nice reviews just because I gave you 2 user awards.)

Least frequent: N/A

Sonic: Should we grab the "Least Frequent Reviewer" award? I mean, we're only going to touch this stuff once... and then continue to make fun of it after that.

Funniest review/s: Tie between badsonicfics, and Solar-the-Hedgehog chapter 1

Least funny: N/A

Favorite reviewer (of all current reviewers): Sonikka (YOU ARE TOTALLY AWESOME, AND I FEEL SO HAPPY WHENEVER YOU SEND ME A POSITIVE REVIEW!! THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT UPLIFTING STUFF)

Tails: This is really pointless. These are probably all the reviewers that are showering her with useless praise!
Sonic: Someone has to feed the ego.

Least favorite reviewer: NONE!!

Reviewer to whom I can relate to: TIE!! AGAIN!!

Champ585 (the badsonicfics stuff; I can totally connect, I kind of felt like that the first time I got a review from them. Thanks to my little sister (WHO IS TOTALLY COOLIO) I managed to get that chapter done. DON'T STOP SONIC SOCIOPATH!! IT'S SUCH AN AMAZING STORY, AND DON'T LET ONE IDIOTIC REVIEWER BRING YOU DOWN!!) and

Emily.

WHO WAS TOTALLY GETTING WHAT HAPPENED A COUPLE WEEKS AGO. (You know what I mean Emily).

Sonic: Don't you just love "jokes" that we're never going to understand?

People who should have gotten awards, but didn't, but get an honorary thing anyways:

Animegal94

rockstar2008

orangexxpopsicle

Ameri

Caos Gal55592

Nikoh

madelyn

abdul (not putting any characters made by other people for a while (until my sequel to my sequel) but I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN!!)

petite-dreamer

HAH!! Now, no one can accuse me of nepotism, cause I only gave my cousin ONE award. (Guess who it is) I'll tell you next chapter.

Amy: Oh, look, she used a school word!
Tails: *snickers* To be fair, she did use it correctly. This may be the only flash of brilliance that we'll ever get, though.

ON WITH THE STORY!!

Sonic: There's no story. This is just "Saw" in word form.

PS, Don't correct me on my typo on the last word in my previous ending. I know that it's supposed to be too, not to.

Tails: And yet... you were "to" lazy to correct it.

PPS, Solar-the-Hedgehog, last chapter I have a few corrections:

In my stories, when you see horses mentioned, unless specified, they are non anthropomorphic (whatever that means),

Tails: She can use the word "nepotism", but can't be bothered to look up the word "anthropomorphic".
Amy: It's even worse when you consider the fact that she's writing a Sonic fic.
Sonic: You're showing your butt, Suethor. Not a good look.

yes, it is possible for horses to walk on beaches (IF THE BEACH HAS A SIDEWALK ON IT, WHICH SONIC TOTALLY FORGOT TO ADD), what the hell do you mean by number three, and who uses the word fusspot?

Amy: Then why didn't you mention a sidewalk on the beach in the last chapter?! We are not mind readers! We cannot make this story up for you! You're the writer, you're supposed to provide this stuff to us! You can't just say that we were supposed to imagine a sidewalk if it wasn't even there in the first freakin' place! You're just making all sorts of excuses for your terrible writing without even acknowledging it!
Tails: And then she blamed Sonic for forgetting about the sidewalk. Why are you blaming a character for your bad writing? Sonic can't write that part in! You're supposed to do that, Suethor!
Sonic: Oh, yeah. She really hates criticism.
Tails: Just as I suspected.
Amy: She's never going to hack it as a writer.

BTW, MY STORY IS NOT 30 FUCKING MINUTES OF WASTED TIME!!

Sonic: Yeah, you're right. It's only an hour of wasted time.
Amy: And it really does a good job of wasting our time! This "story" is basically a Mary Sue coming to town and giving a character a makeover just so she can be "hot"!
Tails: And she causes pointless love triangles, even though we already know who's going to be together because of the fic's descrption.
Sonic: And most of the characters are unlikable.
Amy: Not to mention that the Sue herself is unlikable. She is a felon who should be in jail eating gruel through a feeding tube!
All: We want this garbage to end!

PPPS, Yes, this story is almost done.

Sonic: That's the best thing that I've heard all day!

PPPPS, I don't own any characters except for Sasha, Xavier, and Joe.

Ok, I'm done.

Tails: *flatly* Yay.

Normal POV

For some reason still unknown to this day, Amy had been unable to hear the crashing, screaming, and the occasional "Mommy" whimpered right outside her apartment door. This deafness is already odd enough, if you exclude the fact that she has amazing hearing that can differentiate Sonic's voice from all others within a 15 mile radius. Including that, that's just creepy.

Tails: The fact that Amy can recognize a voice is creepy? Not the fact that the Sue is literally abusing Sonic?!
Sonic: Suethor, you have some really messed up priorities.

Continuing on, she had been unable to hear this awful noises, and when Sasha returned to the interior of the apartment with a huge smile on her face, Amy didn't question why.

Sonic: What the heck is wrong with this psychopath?!
Amy: She is literally proud of this?! *stamps her paper* I hate this fic!
Tails: Amy, you already had your paper stamped!
Amy: Then I'd like to stamp a giant rocket up her butt!
Tails: I don't have a giant rocket. You might want to ask Jessie and James for one.

Later on that day, Amy received a phone call from the hospital, telling her that a certain Mr. Sonic the Hedgehog had requested her presence. Desperate to find out what happened, Amy nearly ripped Sasha's arm out of her socket,

Amy: ...and then threw her out of a closed window. Nobody called an ambulance for her, because she was that horrible of a Mary Sue.

and raced to the hospital, Sasha flying through the wind. As soon as they got there, Amy ditched Sasha and raced into the E.R., hurrying to see the Sonic's physical state.

Sonic had never had to be hospitalized before. Never had a bruise, broken bone, stitches, or a sprained ankle. Now, before he had cuts and scrapes, but never anything serious enough to be hospitalized. Note carefully.

Sonic: Hey, Suethor? Tell me where I'm supposed to laugh at this crap that you think is "humor". Because I'm not laughing here. I'm uncomfortable, and I'm not sure if I'm going to be angry in a minute.

Upon arriving on the scene, Amy saw a lot. Sonic was bruised, and severely injured, and before you could say insert whatever phrase you choose, Amy had a hammer out and was shouting, "WHO THE HELL DID THIS TO YOU?? THEIR GONNA FUCKING PAY!!"

Now, before Sonic could say anything, Sasha was besides Amy, and was glaring daggers at Sonic. For a second, he thought he felt something sharp poke at his head, and immediately he was afraid.

Amy: That's what violent spouses usually do to the partners that they abused...

"I fell. . ." he said weakly.

Amy stared at him.

". . .Down the stairs. . ."

Amy tapped her foot impatiently.

". . .into a glass wall."

She hugged him, and started to ramble aimlessly. Sasha smiled and left the two alone.

Amy: And that's what physically abused spouses usually say! *sarcastically claps* Congrats, Suethor! You just turned your horrible Mary Sue into a domestic abuser! And on that note... *screams as she smashes the screen with her Piko Piko Hammer* ...she needs to die one thousand deaths!
Tails: Uh... tell me why we're supposed to like the Sue again.
Sonic: Because it's only "funny" if women abuse men and put them in the hospital. You know... if the roles were reversed, this fic would've been roasted in the comments, but it's okay because a Mary Sue abused a guy. *sighs as he pulls out some more papers* Yep, I'm angry. This fic sucks. Upgrade my thing.
Tails: *stamps Sonic's paper* Great, now I'm left.

Sonic randomly out of nowhere, started singing.

Tails: I see that we're now heading into auditory abuse.
Sonic: Pfft... *snickers*

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my best test
and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

Amy: *screams as she continues smashing the screen*
Sonic: Oh, great. More useless filler.

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
I'm yours

Tails: Sonic, can I do some browsing?
Sonic: Knock yourself out. I mean, the fic literally halted.

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

Sonic: Shouldn't "I" be traumatized? I mean, "I" got sent to the hospital by a Mary Sue who looked just like Amy.
Tails: It's a bad fic, Sonic. Logic doesn't exist.

So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait I'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate
I'm yours

Scooch on over closer, dear
And I will nibble your ear (Shadow: WTF??)

Tails: *glances at the paper* With that poor insert, it made it look like Shadow was actually in the song.

I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'd be sayin' is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more it cannot wait
I'm yours

Sonic: *rolls his eyes* Is this fic over yet?

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you will find that the sky is yours

so please don't, please don't, please don't,
there's no need to complicate,
Cause our time is short
This, this, this is our fate,
I'm yours

Tails: It's over. Thank goodness.
Sonic: Finally:

Amy "Dense" Rose

Amy: *screams as she smashes the screen out of the window*
Tails: That's the third screen that she destroyed during this riffing.
Sonic: *pulls out a punchcard* Seven more screens, and we get a free trip to court!
Tails: *sighs* Also, Suethor? Stop writing forever. Please. There's nothing enjoyable about this fic when you keep insulting the canon characters while expecting us to like your horrible character. It's bad writing. Really bad writing.
Sonic: Know what's worse? We keep being told that Ames and the Sue are close and care for one another, but Amy is always being talked down to or insulted by the Sue and the Suethor. Suethor, you don't like Amy. Stop lying to us. You're just trying to turn your Sue into a "better" Amy, and it's not working.
Tails: I knew that that dumb "backstory" with the evil stepmother wasn't going to work at all. That just cemented it.

still didn't get it, or hear for that matter, because she kept rambling on about how she would sue wherever he fell, and how . . .

Tails: So she's "dense"... because she was actually worried about Sonic's injuries? Suethor... just stop this circus before I stamp my paper.

And that was when Sonic decided to spill the beans. Interrupting her completely, he said, "Amy, I love you."

She shouted, "DON'T INTERRUPT IT'S-What??"

"I said I love you."

And she fainted.

Sonic: *makes a face* Are you serious?
Tails: Know what's worse? The preview from the last chapter isn't even in this chapter word for word. It was just there to insult Amy!
Amy: *as she's panting* Consistency doesn't exist, Tails. You know that.

Sasha's POV

Amy: *in an incredibly menacing tone* I am going to murder you. And nobody will be able to recognize your mangled corpse unless they have your dental records.
Tails: *whimpers*
Sonic: *worried* Remind me to never visit your place for Thanksgiving, Ames. Main dish will probably be a spit-roasted Sue.

For some reason, I have a very good internal Amy alert that tells me when something major happens.

Amy: I wish that you were suffering internal injuries.

Its just like she has a Sasha one too.

Tails: Remember, the Sue cares about Amy!
Sonic: Now tell me a funny joke.

So when my alert went bazookas, I rushed into the hospital room she was in, saw her fainted and Sonic looking frantic, and I nearly went bazookas. I said in a strained voice, "You have three seconds to explain what the hell happened both back there and here, before I beat the hell out of your fucking ass."

Sonic: Oh, yeah. This is definitely a "me" bashing fic.
Tails: The domestic abuser Sue is threatening more injuries on the person that she put in the hospital. Suethor... tell me why we're supposed to like your awful character again! Tell me!
Amy: I wonder if I can mirror the injuries that you gave to Sonic. *twirls her hammer* Let's begin the experiment, Sue!
Sonic: Uh... I don't know if a caved skull was one of them.
Amy: Probably not. *as she produces a slasher smile* Doesn't mean that I won't try!
Tails: *worried* I... oh...

He looked really frantic, and said that he didn't mean for what happened in the apartment, he thought that Amy would answer the door. He also didn't expect her to faint when he told her that he loved her, and I was pretty shocked. Guys were infamous for not telling how they feel, and Sonic seemed to be a master at it.

Sonic: Oh, don't you start! You've been playing everyone like puppets since you got here, you hypocrite!
Tails: No kidding. Remember that certain stupid trap with all of those letters that made no sort of sense?
Sonic: There's also that stupid "plan" where she used her brother to try to get the guys jealous. Hey, Mary Sue? Don't throw stones from your cheap glass house.
Amy: Too late. I already threw a boulder at it.

Cough, anyways, Amy came to, and I decided to leave the budding couple be. But. . .just because I did doesn't mean that some other misguided souls couldn't. . .

Tails: I wonder who she's insulting this time.

Sonic's POV

So after Amy came to, the first thing she said was, "Are you serious?"

Why the hell wouldn't I be serious?

Tails: Especially because you've been whining ever since Amy's forced makeover...

Next thing she says is, some crap about how some guys do that, and she wants to make sure I'm not lying. So, just to prove her wrong, I tell her I have to tell her something, and then, I tell her to come closer. As soon as she comes close enough, I kiss her. Not like on the cheek. Like lips.

Sonic: This is what's supposed to happen in this fic, and I'm still bored. We had all of this useless love triangle garbage come to the cheap payoff.

And DAMN! That girl can kiss!! I mean, this is kind of a surprise. How did she learn to kiss that well?

Tails: By kissing her bed pillows and pretending that they were you?
Amy: Really, Tails?
Tails: *shrugs*

As soon as we broke free I asked. Then she said with a straight face that her cousin, the one who is here, the scary one,

Tails: The evil one...
Sonic: The demonic one...
Amy: The one who needs to have a voodoo doll made in her likeness so I can stick a butcher knife into it...

taught her. After seeing my face, she cracked up and told me that although I definitely might be the last guy she kisses like that, I sure as hell wasn't the first. Then, I asked her to show me what she knew. . .

Sonic: Is this leading to something else here? Because I don't care. I've never cared about anything in this fic. So, yeah... this fic really is a waste of my time, isn't it?
Tails: Yep.

Normal POV

In the midst of this make-out session, someone barged into the room. "SONIC!! I HEARD YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL, AND I HAD TO COME AND CHECK ON-"

SLAP!! "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM KNUCKLES?? CAN'T YOU SEE THEY'RE BUSY?? JEEZ, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR PEOPLE'S PRIVACY!! Sorry guys, we're gone."

Amy: Question. Who in the world was speaking to Knuckles?
Tails: I have no idea. I think it may have been Rouge.
Sonic: *shakes his head* I gave up trying to figure out this dumb fic long ago.

And with that the two left, arguing their asses off, Sasha laughed.

Amy: I want to hear your screams of pain, not your annoying laughter.
Tails: Are you possessed, Amy?
Sonic: Not possessed. Pissed. And she has a right to be. *sighs* We all do, actually.

"Phase one, complete. . ." She ran ahead to go join them, asking them where they were.

It wasn't that much of a surprise. They just went to Angel Island, and basically talked, argued, fought, made up, kissed, and back to the beginning. Rinse and repeat.

Sonic: And then the Sue was thrown off of the island and plummeted to her well deserved death. And then a parade was given to the real hero of this fic, Knuckles.
Tails: "Who's laughing now?" the red echidna was quoted as saying.

This story is like really almost over. I didn't realize how close I was until the (almost) end. At most, there are only five chapters left.

Tails: Thank goodness that it only ends at chapter twenty, not twenty-two.
Sonic: I couldn't handle two more chapters... or two more letters.

So be happy,

Amy: I should be happy that you're tormenting us?

and look out for my next story. I'm going to post it all on one day (Thanksgiving), and so, there will be no need to wait for it and such. But anyways, review tell me what you think, and after my sequel, as previously mentioned, I'm having a sequel to that, when everyone can send in there characters. So watch for that one too.

All: Why?!
Sonic: Does this mean that we'll have to riff those dumb sequels, too?
Tails: *groans*
Amy: If that's the case, we're definitely going to need Sonia and Manic for those fics.
Sonic: Why can't we just dump this on the Black Crow and flee?
Amy: Because Kyo would kill us after he cremates the Sue.
Sonic: *shudders* Never mind, I guess we can stomach two more crap fics.

Ciao,

KRZR24

PS, the song is I'm Yours, by Jason Mraz

Tails: We apologize to everyone who was or is a fan of that song.
Sonic: So... after that garbage, do you want to switch?
Amy: Yes.
Tails: *nods*
Sonic: Alright. Time for another break.

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