Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Three Riffers, Episode 8: The New Girl (KRZR24 version) (Part Nine)

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Chapter 16

To all readers:

I am terribly sorry about the previous chapter aka Chapter 15. I know many of you thought that it sucked/was terrible/ was my worst chapter eva. Trust me, I feel the same way. But really and truly, I absolutely hate it when people spam my work and tell me it sucks, and don't tell me why it doesn't work(badsonicfics () anyone?).

Sonic: "badsonicfics"? Who or what the heck is that?
Tails: *boots up a file on his Miles Electric* There used to be a Livejournal called "Bad Sonic Fics" that made fun of, well, bad "Sonic" fics. However, this fic was "written" during a time period where trolls would track down the fanfics that were being snarked on and posted the link to the author in the review sections. Unfortunately, this happened to be one of the many fics.
Sonic: Uh-oh.
Tails: "Uh-oh" is right. If the Suethors or Stuthors caught wind, they either deleted their fics after having a tantrum first, or they found their way over to that site, where they ended up having a massive fit in the comment section. Probably because it hurt their massively inflated egos.
Amy: Then they shouldn't have posted it online if they didn't want it to be mocked.

So, because of that, I'm not using anonymous reviews anymore.

Sonic: Are you sure?
Tails: *checks* Anon reviews are allowed again. I guess that they were temporary.

So Badsonicfics (), since you're "mocking the hell out of me", I automatically have the right to mock the hell out of you. Keep on the look out for that over the next couple of chapters.

Oh, and by the way, bad name maker-upper,

Tails: This is coming from the "writer" who has the characters ramble on and on and on about pointless nonsense, by the way.

the two links that you put on both your reviews. Yeah, neither of them work. Nice move.

Amy: You don't have a leg to stand on, since your email address in one of the author's notes didn't work, either. *in a mocking tone* Nice move.

Lesson learned? Don't mess with Fanfictions writers.

Amy: I'd hate to see what would happen if the Suethor found out that we were mocking her awful fic.
Sonic: Let her. I don't care. I took out a giant water monster and dealt with two Eggmen who were trying to rip up the fabric of space-time... to name a couple of examples. Do you really think that one bad writer is going to scare me?

Anyways, on with the story!!

All: What story?

Sonic's POV

All: *groans*

I can't believe that all these years, while she was supposed to be dedicated to ME,

Sonic: Shut. Up.

she's been running off with this Fabian guy, who ain't got nuttin on me. (Shadow: If you try to talk gangster again, I will literally shank you to death. And you used double negatives, meaning that actually, he does have something on you.) Fine, cough grammar freak cough, anyways, that son of a grandma (DON'T YOU LOVE THAT PHRASE?? I GOT IT FROM A FRIEND OF MINE.)

Tails: And that's exactly what I was talking about! Rambling on and on and on about pointless nonsense!
Amy: And no, I don't love that phrase. Zip your lip, Suethor.

just stole my girl (THAT'S RIGHT, I MEANT THAT) from me, and I'm not giving her up without a fight. So, what I need to do is find someway to get through that moron's head to let him know that Amy is OFF FUCKING LIMITS!!

Sonic: She never said that she wanted to date you, jackass! And you never asked her out! Therefore... she's not "your girl" yet!
Amy: This really isn't a romance. It's sounding more and more like domestic abuse. Might as well put a sign that says "Sonic's property" on my fic self while we're at it!
Tails: ...I guess our Sonic was right. This really is "Horror/Tragedy".

But if I kill him, or do anything bad, news of this could go to the press, and it would ruin my rep.

Tails: Implying that you had a good reputation in this fic...

So what I need to do is find someway to get Amy to stop liking him, and come back to -

WAIT, I GOT IT!! If I thought of this last week, I would totally puke, but its the only way.

Sonic: Can I puke all over you?
Tails: Why would you want to throw vomit on vomit, Sonic?
Amy: Wow, Tails. *snickers* Harsh.

Normal POV

Amy Rose was really confused. She thought that all of Sasha's plans would finally work, and her darling Sonic would finally come out and say he loved her (which everyone but her knew was true (poor misguided soul)),

Tails: So let's continue to insult her even though Sonic hasn't said that he loved her yet! *sighs* Suethor... do you even like these characters when all you do is insult them or threaten them... except for your awful Mary Sue?
Sonic, Amy: Nope.

 but all the plans came to naught. She was sitting on her couch, watching Romeo and Juliet with her favorite cousin,

Sonic: You misspelled "demonic relative", Suethor.

sighing every five seconds (and bothering the hell out of Sasha).

Amy: I'm happy that you're annoyed, you expired condom.
Sonic: Now you're just making up insults.
Amy: I'm too angry to make a proper one, Sonic!

At one point she slammed her hand down on the table and asked her cousin, "Why can't we be like that?"

Sasha cleared her throat awkwardly, "Um Amy, sorry to break it to you, but I don't like you that way. . ."

Sonic: I'd ask my brother to play a rimshot, but I spent this whole fic hating you. So you get nothing!

"No, not you, me and Sonic. Why can't he be the Romeo to my Juliet?"

"Hm, maybe its because they BOTH COMMIT SUICIDE IN THE END OF THE STORY?"

Tails: And that's terrible because...?

"Ignore that."

"Because your relatives and Sonic's are not two feuding families in Italy?"

"That too."

"Because Juliette is a total slut?"

Amy: Says the Mary Sue who used the most popular guy in school... then told her brother to dump him because she was too cowardly, lazy, or stupid just so she can hook up with another guy that she barely even knows. Take that slut-shaming, shove it right up your butt, and vomit it out of your mouth, you brainless, vapid hypocrite.
Tails: Also, she suddenly misspelled Juliet's name. I know that that's the lesser of two evils, but still...

"How?"

"Think about it Amy. Juliette starts making out with some guy at a party before she even knows what his name is."

Sonic: Wait, kissing makes you a "slut"? No wonder the Suethor's a "Twilight" fan. Smarts are rarely found in one.
Tails: Sonic!

"Oh. Right. Ignore that too."

"Because you two don't have such retarded names?"

Amy: Would you stop saying the "R" word, Suethor?! You're making yourself and your Mary Sue sound more unlikable with each passing second!
Sonic: She's jumped that threshold long ago, Ames.
Tails: Also, "Romeo" and "Juliet" are valid baby names. So not only is this Sue unlikable... she's also incredibly dumb.
Sonic: She already said that she was proud of being stupid much earlier, Tails. Remember?
Tails: Oh, yeah.
Amy: Well. She's not going to amount to much in life, is she?
Sonic: Hey, we need sacrifices for the volcano.
Tails: The volcano would spit her back out. It has standards.
Sonic: *smirks*

"That too."

"Because I highly doubt Sonic's a man whore. Or that he's emo."

"WHOA!! Where did that come from?"

"Somebody obviously hasn't been reading their Shakespeare.

Amy: You are not going to lecture me on reading, you moron with snow peas for brain cells.
Sonic: Way to insult the snow peas, Ames.

Romeo locked himself up in his room because he was being depressed about Rosaline, Juliet's cousin who he had a huge crush on. Romeo and his friends crash this party that Juliet's parents are holding, and one look at Juliet makes him completely forget Rosaline, who he had "fallen in love with". He basically dropped Rosaline like a hot potato."

Tails: And what's the point? "Romeo and Juliet" is one of the most basic Shakespearian plays that any ninny would know!
Sonic: Sue, you are not special for knowing a basic play that was read by a lot of kids in middle or high school. Get your ego back in line.

"Oh. Forget that."

"Because-"

"You know what Sasha? Just shut up."

All: Thank you.

Then, out of the blue (no pun intended), the doorbell rang. Sasha, not wanting to get in a fight with her cousin (she still didn't forget the closet),

Amy: Wish we could just throw you back in there and fill it up with water. Also, stop with the author's notes. They're distracting.

went to go open it, shouting to Amy, "I got it." The moment she opened the door, a warm set of lips kissed her right on the mouth. She opened her eyes in shock, and instead of seeing the expected (Silver), she saw. . . Sonic. And she was furious.

Sonic: Why? You two basically look alike!

Before I continue, there are a couple things that need to be explained.

Tails: *sighs* Great. Another infodump that we're not going to care about.

In the Rose family line, it is common that instead of the male keeping his last name, and the female taking his, the female keeps her last name, while the male keeps his. Any male children the couple has takes the father's last name, while any female takes her mother's.

Sonic: Uh... that's not special. Any family can do that.

This is to be able to differentiate who has or doesn't have . . ."the gift".

"The gift" is the ability to carry one object around for one's entire lifetime. (For someone reason, "the gift" is only passed down to female members of the Rose family (relations by marriage are excluded) More research is required to find out why.) This object is chosen by what the person's favorite childhood object was. This object also tends to grow as the person who owns it does.

Amy: It's called "Hammerspace". My family doesn't use this... "gift" garbage.

Amy's grandfather (on her dad's side)was a carpenter, and since Amy spent a lot of time at his house, he decided to by her a little carpenter set. For some reason, there was this hammer in this carpenter set that always squeaked, and Amy loved it. She carried it around everywhere, and soon, the little hammer became the object that she could call upon whenever she pleased. Thus the birth of the Piko Piko Hammer.

Tails: *ignores the fic, begins browsing on his Miles Electric*

When Sasha was younger, Sasha's godmother, who was her mom's best friend, was part of an old all-girl rock n' roll band. Sasha's godmother decided to buy her goddaughter a really cool guitar that just so happened to be indestructible (Sasha was VERY accident prone as a kid. Like, it was so bad, that if an asteroid was going to crush the Earth, and it was supposed to hit Africa, and Sasha was on Earth and not on Africa, the asteroid would have somehow found a way to get to wherever Sasha was at the time.). Sasha loved this guitar so much, she carried it everywhere. So it was no surprise to anyone that the guitar became the object she could magically call forth at any time.

Sonic: *snores*
Amy: How many more Mary Sue traits are in this stupid paragraph?
Tails: She was "clumsy", and she has a cooler weapon than you... not to mention a cooler family.
Amy: Why do Sues always have guitars?
Tails: I don't know. Probably to make them "not like the other girls" or some nonsense like that.

Unlike her cousin Amy, it takes a lot to get Sasha pissed off enough to use "the gift".

Amy: All you have to do is breathe in her general direction or be Sonic for her to get angry! This Mary Sue doesn't even know what "restraint" means!

But, if you are stupid enough to find some way to do it, the smartest thing you can do is find the nearest hole, and die in it.

Tails: Amy?
Amy: I wish that she'd die in that hole. Just so this fic would end.

And if your the guy her favorite cousin had been crushing on for at least four years and you randomly come up to Sasha and kiss her. . .well, you'd be lucky to find an electric chair to use and kill yourself with before she finds you. Even if you're the fastest hedgehog on Earth.

Amy: Remember, she's going to actually murder someone because she was accidentally kissed, even though she scammed an old man and slammed a computer virus on someone. Not to mention that she plays with other people's emotions for her own amusement.
Tails: She really is a sociopath!

For a while, Sonic was wondering if it was possible for anyone to be shanked with something other than a knife. That day, he found out it was.

Amy: Well, looks like Sonic's dead.
Tails: *as he nudges Sonic* Oh, well. We never liked him, anyway. Too bad that it was the Sue that did it, so of course she's going to get away with it.
Amy: Now if only my useless "cousin" could do the same to herself, this would be a much better fic.

Shadow's POV

You know what I call the plan Sonic had?

Sonic: It wasn't Operation "Get The Hell Out of This Fic?" Or Operation GTHOOTF? See, I can make operation codenames, too! Aren't I quirky?
Amy: Oh, no...
Tails: *shakes his head* No...

Operation Fail.

No. Operation Epic fail.

No. Operation Failbulous.

No. Operation Failtacular.

No. Operation Failtastic.

No. Operation Fail-

You get the idea.

Tails: Thank you, now shut up.
Sonic: This is probably why the fic is at the "Colossal Failure" level.

I even have a chant for Sonic's behavior. Here it goes.

Who's the greatest retard?

S-O-N-I-C

Who's the greatest retard?

S-O-N-I-C

Amy: Not! Funny!

You know that chant that goes like "Let's go team!!" (STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP)? Yeah, it goes like that.

Sonic: Can I stomp on you?

Sonic's POV

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SASHA THAT OPENED THE DAMN DOOR?? WHY DIDN'T AMY?? AMY WAS SUPPOSED TO OPEN IT, THEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO KISS HER, AND TELL HER HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER, AND THEN SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY SHE LOVES ME BACK, AND WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO HORSEBACK RIDING ON THE BEACH AND-

Tails: Nobody ever thinks in this stupid fic.

Shadow's POV

Horseback riding on the beach. W-O-W.

Tails: *throws the POV in the trash* More useless garbage.

Sonic's POV

Don't give me that look!! I'm not the one who watches The Notebook on weekends!!

Amy: *throws the POV in the trash* Even more useless garbage.

Shadow's POV

(spluttering) I don't do that!!

Sonic: *sighs as he throws the POV in the trash*

Blaze's POV

OMG SHADOW!! YOU WATCH THE NOTEBOOK IN YOUR FREE TIME!!

Amy: We need to tip the garbage people or something.
Tails: Yep. *throws the POV in the trash*

Shadow's POV

NO I-

Sonic: Jeez, how much trash to we have to pick up?
Amy: *as she throws the POV in the trash* A lot.

Amy's POV

That's sooooooooooooooo romantic!! OMG, that's so cool, I mean that's my favorite movie!!

Tails: Yeah. Way too much trash...
Sonic: Know what? Just let it pile up until this chapter ends.

Blaze's POV

I KNOW, ME TOO!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WITTINGLY ADMITTED THAT!! MOST GUYS WOULD NEVER DO THAT!! SHADOW, I TOTALLY LOVE YOU FOR THAT!! (Sasha: and other reasons too. . .) (Blaze gives Shadow huge kiss on cheek, and Shadow blushes)

All: *reading on the Miles Electric*

Amy's POV

(sigh) If only SOMEBODY HERE was as romantic as Shadow is.

All: *staring at the ceiling*

Sonic's POV

WHAT?? DIDN'T YOU HEAR MY-

Ah never mind.

Amy: *lazily looks at the screen* Oh. It's finally over.
Sonic: *weakly* Yippee.
Tails: *as he sweeps up the remaining POVs* That was a complete waste of text.

Originally, I was thinking of having Amy answer the door, and Sonic doing that, and everything being happy happy joy joy, but then I though it would be more fun if Sasha answered the door instead.

Sonic: Suethor... it didn't work well. And it wasn't "fun". As a matter of fact, that just dragged out this garbage even longer. Just hook Amy and that fake me up so this stupid fic can finally end.
Tails: Uh-oh.
Sonic: Yes, I admit it. This stupid fic is boring me to tears. We don't have a real story, we have nobody who is liked, nothing is happening at all! This whole fic is basically the most useless fluff I've ever looked at! At least the fics that I've read before this one had plots in them!
Amy: Even if those plots were screwy and weird.

Anyways, a preview of next chapter:

Sasha had yet to tell Amy how or why Sonic was in the hospital, but as soon as Amy found out, she rushed there, completely forgetting her act. . .

Sonic decided that he could no longer wait. Fabian was becoming more and more intimate with Amy, and he couldn't just stand by and watch any longer. He randomly blurted out, "Amy, I love you."

Tails: Because of that preview, we now know that... the Mary Sue put Sonic in the hospital just because he accidentally kissed her.
Sonic: This Sue needs to be thrown into a padded room, pronto.
Amy: Tie her up like Hannibal Lecter!

What is Amy's reaction? Is there an actual possibility that Sonic and Amy will have a working relationship? And most importantly, WHERE ARE KNUCKLES AND ROUGE??

Sonic: "I love you, Sonic!", yes, and who cares? We know that those two are going to get together, because the description said so!

Tune in whenever the next chapter comes up for a new chapter of this epic story.

Tails: It's not "epic", and it's not a "story". Don't lie to us.

This is KRZR24, signing out.

PS, next time, I'm giving out some user awards. Keep on the look out for that to.

Tails: We're not going to get one, are we?
Amy: Why the heck would I even want one? Aren't they usually given out by people who have actual talent?
Sonic: Ouch.

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