Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Six Riffers, Episode 1: Emily H the Viking Princess (Part One)

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Uh... possible warning: There's a badly written sex scene in this part.

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this story is something ive been working on for some time now, its kinda a mix of my dreams and just some improv.

Manic: And that's how you know that we're going to riff something hilariously bad. *gets a bowl of popcorn* I'm so ready for this.
Cassy, Rory: *digs into the popcorn bowl*
Manic: Hey, hey, the fic didn't start yet!
Rory: We know. We just want some popcorn.

i hope you fiend the hidden message in it and it helps you in your life.

Emi: Wait, we're looking for fiends?

this is the first story im putting up so only good revues,

Mai: *laughs, stops* No.
Emi: I didn't know that the author only wanted good theatrical acts, too!

if you dont like it then just dont read it,

Benimaru: Oh, no. No, no, no. We're not doing that old, tired line again. Once again, if you don't want people criticizing your work, don't post it online. How hard is that to understand?
Cassy: Incredibly hard, dude.

but im sure you will like it, its kinda a love action story with some pretty cool twists.

Rory: Yeah, and it's going to be hilarious.

"Emily H the Viking Princess"

Mai: Wait, stop. No. Emily is not a Nordic name.
Emi: It gets even dumber. Since we're supposed to be in the times of Vikings, the name "Emily" shouldn't even exist yet.

it was the 16 hundreads, the time of the vikings (not the base ball team),

Manic: Um... uh... I'm no history buff, but I'm pretty sure that the Vikings didn't exist in the 1600s.
Rory: And the Vikings are a football team. So, it's also official. The Nordic people invented every sport ever.
Manic: And they also created Pong.

my name is Emily h im 15 and a half years young.
I love my golden hair that flows around my almost emo slender body,

All: Emo?!
Benimaru: *facepalms* Please shoot me now.
Cassy: Oh, we're definitely reading a Mary Sue fic. Slender body, check.
Rory: Guess you can say that the Norse invented bein' emo, too!

im a b cup but im comfudend in my body even though i was made fun of as a kid.

Emi: So you were teased... because you had average sized breasts? *confused* Huh? I don't even think that breast size was a badge of honor back then!

guys are always mad mackin up on me when im working at my job,

Benimaru: Remember, "mackin' up" was a thing in the times of the Vikings.
Cassy: Dudes are hitting on her all of the time? Check.

i work as a watriss at the town tavern, ships are always cumming into th town port

Manic, Cassy, Rory: *snickering*
Mai: No comment.

and lodes of vikings croud the smalll viking village. my father is the caption of a smaller ship used for scouting and other small expodisions. i love my father more than anyone else in the world, my mother was killed in a rade when i was just a babby, she died saving my life.

Cassy: Dead immediate relative? Check.
Emi: This must've been how "babbies" were formed.

my father is all i have left, i dont get to see him varry much though cause hes always out on important missions.

Rory: Dad's a secret agent? What kind of future past Viking is this?

i spend my time working, and at our small house day dreaming about meeting a real boy, not one of those rude viking pig boys that are always chasing after me.

Mai: And let me guess. He's going to look like Fabio, right?

my father has been out on a scouting mission now for 6 months and summer now, i love summer most of all.
its so warm and the slowers are all growing and i love to pick them and decorate my small house thinking about when my father will return and scoop m up in his arms and kiss me.

Manic: Ivanka the Viking Princess.
Cassy: We're so getting sued now, dude.

"EMILY, get your ass over to table 4 they need there drinks"

Benimaru: Welcome to Denny's.
Emi: Great. Now I want a Grand Slam.

said my boss mancy,

Mai: You know, Nordic people were named Mancy.

she was a mean old viking, tuffer than a lot of worriers, one time i saw her beat a viking in to the ground just for making a rude remark about her face. but she pais me well and i know she loved me like a daughter.
I rushed over and filled there goblets till they over flowed.

Rory: You know, Bounty and Brawny also existed back then.

one of them put his huge arme over my shoulders and said in rough voice how bout a kiss wench.

Emi: And we're suddenly in the 1500s. What in the world is going on here?

i struggled to get free of his smelly arm but wasnt strong enough,

Cassy: *rolls her eyes* Of course, because women aren't strong enough. There's another check.

a single tear rad down my face

All: Uh-oh.
Miyu: *runs to the main platform* Who littered?
Manic: Um... nobody littered. Just... it's nothing.
Miyu: Okay. If you say so. *leaves*
Manic: I think the "single tear" stuff really hit her lately.
Cassy: "Lately" is an understatement, dude. I heard that she literally snapped during the last fic that she riffed.
Benimaru: Kyo and Keiko told me. And yes, she did. She wanted some people named Edward and Rosalie to burn in a giant tire fire.

as i remembered a time when my father had saved me frome a bully and that he wasnt here to help me cause he was on his mission, i was about to give up and hope a kiss was all he wanted, another tear ran down my face as i closed my eyes andand thought of the horror of what he would do if a kiss wasnt all he wanted, i was a vergin still, and shuddered at the thought of this pig being my first.

Benimaru: What is it with Mary Sues being so conveniently useless when they're in peril?
Mai: I have no idea.

then i heard a voice say let the girl, i swear to you ill cut off your balls if you dont let her go scum! the man let me go and i dropped to the ground,
as i looked up seeming to be in slow motion, i saw him, the most beautyfull man i had ever seen. he had long currly brown hair coverd with a dark green helmit, he was varry skinny with white skin and only stood maybe 6 feet tall, ok i know 6 feet is pretty tall but in my viking town all the men are suuuper tall and built like a truck,

Rory: Built Ford tough in the times of the Vikings! The Norse invented freakin' trucks!
Manic: *laughs*

he was like no boy i had ever seen, right away my body went numb and started to tingle all over, i had never felt this way about a boy before.
he was really really sexy.

Mai: *sighs* And the savior makes her horny.
Cassy: Check.

the viking pig who had his arm around me grunted who are you to tell a caption what to do BOY!

Emi: I don't think that captions existed.
Manic: The Norse invented closed captioning.
Rory: Heck, at this rate, we might as well say that the Norse invented everything ever. I'll keep making the list for the fun of it.

leave this place and never return and ill think about sparing your life.
lying on the floor i started to get worried about the boy, he had no chance agenst the viking caption he wasnt even half the size of the massive caption.

Benimaru: Yes, the caption was even bolded and underlined.

he just stood there with unwavering light sky blue eyes, glaring at the caption.
I see you will not heed my warning boy, so be it ill cut your legs off and make you beg for your life coward, belloed the caption as he drew his massive sword with chains atached to the hilt.

Mai: I see that we're about to play "Time Killers" now.

i screamed nooooooooo as the man charged at the boy.
like lightning but in slow motion cause i was still dazed by everything that was going on the boy leaped in a upward twisting motion over the captions huge body and while in mid air drew a long slender dark as night blade and with one flick halfed the captions sword, with a flawless landing had already sheitht his blade the boy comanded i saved this girls life, she new belonges to me, if you ever touch her again it wont be your sword that i cut, it will be you.

Rory: And the Matrix was invented!

the bafeled caption had never seen anyone fight like that before and slunk out the door as the boy walked over to me reaching out his arm twords me.

Cassy: And the Sue's love interest is the best fighter ever? Check.

bump BuMp BUMP... my heard beat hard as i looked into his sexy blue eyes and my hand made first contact with his. as he helped me to my feet i could feel even though he was skinny he was varry strong.

Emi: Yeah, love interests can never be overweight.

my legs really wobbly he said calmly lets walk outside so you can get some fresh air, still to shocked frome all that had just happened he walked me outside without me responding. after a fiew minutes i had calmed down and the fright and confusion had left my golded eyes and the turned back to there normal beautyfull shiny coler, the boy said as he looked off twords the mountins in the distance my name is samson

Emi: Eh... passable.

and you owe me one,,, whats your name girl.

Benimaru: *sarcastically* Boyfriend of the year, ladies and gentlemen.
Manic: Yeah, nothing says "romantic" like "you owe me one, girl". *scoffs*

i timmidly replied my name is emily. well mss Emily

Cassy: Miss... Emily.
Emi: *glares at Cassy* Stop.

wont you let me walk you home samson said still gaising at the mountins, as it is im quite bussy and cant be saving you all the time, best i get you back to your family so I can be on my way.

Mai: *woodenly* I'm swooning. Whoo. Somebody take me now.
Benimaru: Wait. Isn't she still on the clock?
Manic: That's logic. Stop using that.

my heart skipped a beat when i told him that i had no family but my father who was off on an important mission, and that i haddent seen him in well over half a year now, i faught back a tear and swollowed back a lump in my throught.

Rory: Did she swallow a rock?
Benimaru: I find it odd that she said that she had no family, but mentioned her father in the same sentence.

I also have no family samson said as he turned and met my eyes, he held my chin and turned my gaze twords his deap sky blue eyes, they looked like the flowers i like to plant around my house.

All: *flatly* What.

my body went all numb again like when i had first saw samson not even ten minutes ago. i could have slapped myself for almost being happy he had no family, but it made me smile that we had something in common.

Cassy: *as Emily* Your family's dead, too? Take me, big boy!

and here was the boy that i had been dreaming about my whole life a sexy boy who would keep me safe, i wished i could imbrace him forever, even though i had never met him and knew nothing about him more than his name, samson, samson, samson, i said his name over and over in my head, what a strong name, just standing there with him made me feel safe.

Rory: So... it's like every half-baked romance ever.

ok so that was like chapter one i guess but theres some sex in the next chapter,

Mai: Why?
Emi: Because it's obligatory.

but im a good wrighter

Manic: *laughs loudly, calms down* Oh, I'm so sorry for laughing.

and i swear it wont be gross, like im not a kid or anything. but like yeah if youll get offended you dont have to read on,

Emi: I'm more offended at the fact that this grammar is atrocious! These are probably the kind of fanfics that Miss Morgan's group riffs on a consistent basis!
Cassy: Yeah, pretty much, dude. I feel right at home looking at this stuff. It's great.

ok so hope your lking it so far.

Benimaru: Show of hands. Who likes this fic?
Manic: *raises his hand* I only like it because it's funny.
Cassy: *raises her hand* Yeah, me, too!
Benimaru: Yes, but do you legitimately like this fic?
Cassy: Oh. Then that's a no.
Manic: Same here.
Rory: *snickers*
Benimaru: I thought so.

part two.
we turned and started walking twords my small house at the edge of the town, i tried to walk as slow as i could so i could be with him as long as possible, i didnt want him to leave i wanted to be with him forever.

Emi: So that's why she literally walked at a snail's pace.

i started rehersing something to say to him when we finally got to my house, like maybe i could offer him something to eat, or i dunno damnit i just dont want him to leave my head raced.

Manic: *as Emily* Can I have sex with you now? The fic says that I should do that!

we got to my house after some time and my heart sunk as i studdered something tring to invite him inside but before i could get it out he put his soft lips on mine as he started to kiss me i thought i was going to melt, like i had totally never been kissed like this before, his toung dancing around mine as his hands slowely moved down my back.

Cassy: Whoa, that was fast!
Mai: So much for waiting for the right one. Might as well jsut call this a one night stand while you're at it.

he picked me up off my feet and carried me inside without ever braking contact with my lips.

Benimaru: Even when he tripped, he still didn't break the kiss.

my body was tinggling so intensly now as he layed me down on the small bed that i had been sleeping in since i was just a kid,

Cassy: Is this a metaphor for someone who grew up way too fast? Hey, I'm not knocking people who like doin' it, I'm just saying.

we were making out for awhile now and i started to get wet, he was soooo damn sexy and he was all over me, pluss he was the firs boy i ever let get this far so i was pretty new to it all, i placed my hands at his waist and started lifting off his shird cause it kept getting in the way of our hot make out session,

Rory: And they even invented T-shirts? Wow, they're advanced!

he finally broke contact for the first time as i was pulling off his shirt and my golden eyes met his blue eyes, his eyes were filled with a hot burning passion,

Emi: *throws a bucket of water into Samson's face* I'm so sorry, but your eyes were on fire.

i could tell he wanted me, i had seen that look in so many other boys and viking that i had served at the tavern ii work at, but this time it was coming frome a boy i liked and that was more sexy than anything i had ever seen before i wanted to go all the way with him.

Mai: Again... so much for waiting for the right one.

as if he had read my mind, he started to untie my the front of my dress exposing my perfict chest

Benimaru: *sighs* Of course. They can never be less than perfect.
Emi: Wait, I thought that people made fun of her chest. Why is it suddenly perfect?
Benimaru: Mary Sues, Emi. Mary Sues.

his lips went down to my neck this time as he kissed and sucked at my neck slowly moving down closer then closer then sucking on my breast my eyes glazed over in pleasure, i had never felt this good before still tesing my nipple with his toung i could feel his hand on the inside of my thie slowly moving up, i couldnt take it i felt so good my head went back and i let out a soft moan, ahhhhhhh

Mai: *flatly* What.
Rory: *shrugs* I don't even know.
Benimaru, Emi: *stares at the screen*
Manic: *confused* Are you serious?
Cassy: *laughs, applauds* Best worst sex scene ever!

his hand now slowley rubbing my wet spot i felt like i was floating in the sky,

Mai: Oh, great. She's having an out-of-body experience.

we were in our own world filled with passion and love,

Rory: You know darn well that that ain't true love. Stop it.

as i undid his belt i slipped his pants off so he was naked like me, his body was sooo warm and damnit is was the most sexy body i hade ever laied my golden eyes on.

Emi: It was probably the only naked body that you've laid your eyes upon... not counting yourself, of course.

i never wanted to stop, he wispered in my ear "im coming in" the words tingled in my ear as i was happy and filled with bliss as i slid my light body up on the bed farther getting ready for him, as he got on top of me i could feel him sliding inside me, nothing had ever felt like this brfore, my arms were wrapped around him as i scratched at his back, he was so big and i was so small,

Benimaru: *while reading a book* This is the sexiest thing that I have ever read in my entire life.

my golden hair falling off the of the bed i let out a scream and a tear of bliss ran down my face,

Miyu: *from a distance* Did someone litter again?
Manic: *with a megaphone* No, Miyu!

i never wanted it to end, feeling him inside me was more amazing than anything, he started going faster and i couldnt help but scream more and more, my head now hitting the headboard every time he thrusted into me.

Rory: Uh... she's gonna have brain damage.
Mai: You're implying that she doesn't already have brain damage, Rory.
Rory: ...drain bamage.
Mai: *smirks*

i dug deaper into his back, as his movement got even harder i was having an orgasem so intense i felt like i was floating, my head started getting light, all i could hear was his low grunts and he looked at my pleasure filled face. he pulled out and came all over my belly with a grown.

Cassy: He came as he grew. Best lover ever.

we were laying down togeather still naked and sweaty, he was looking into my golden eyes when he said, that was amazing, i have never had sex with anyone that was that good,

Manic: Of course she's the best lover after doin' it for the first time ever.
Benimaru: *still reading his book* Heard that nonsense before. Next.

i got a cold chill at the thought that i wasnt his first like he was to me, but i guess that didnt matter, all that mattered was that he was with me now.

Benimaru: *sighs* Of course a woman has to save herself for her "true love", while a man can sleep with whomever he wants and not get criticized for it.
Emi: That and... why is she even slightly concerned about the "other whores" that he may or may not have slept with?
Benimaru: Sue fics, Emi. Sue fics.

i cuddeled up to him softly and thought to myself i had never been so happy.

Emi: And that happiness will be ruined in about three seconds...

a knock at the door snapped me back to the real world,

Mai: Implying that you ever lived in it... hmm.

i woundered who it could be as i got out of bed and wrapped a blanked around my still naked body, as i

Rory: *as Emily* ...tripped over the blanket a second later.

opened the door i was suprized to see kalub a younger boy who i took care of sometimes when his mother and father were busy.

Cassy: Kahlua?
Emi: I think that's meant to be "Caleb", which I'm certain is not a Nordic name.

what is it kalub you look worried.
out of breath like he had ran the whole way here he said "your fathers sh-sh-ship in pulling,, ininto the harbor, and it looks bad its on FIRE and all beat up.

Manic: And how is it still floatin'?
Mai: Magic.

my face went pail

Mai: And it was filled with sand a moment later.

as i looked out into the distanse and saw the smole rising over the tree tops, was my father okay, what had happened?!?!?!?

Manic: Kyo LeMaire thought that it'd be a great idea to cook on the ship while reading a fic written by Benji Himura.

ok srry to leave you guys at such a cliff hanger. O: but its more fun this way,

Rory: No, it's not.

ill put up the rest of the story tomorrow, its really long so get ready guyzz. hope you like it so far and if you dont you can just go 2 hell.

Benimaru: A graduate of the Benji Himura School of Writing?
Manic: More like a graduate of the cullengirl13xxx School of Writing.

no hattin yall, i put alot of work into this,

Cassy: But not enough work to press F7.
Emi: *holds up a picture of the Alot Monster*

and if you guys like it im going to try to send it in to this place and get it written into a reall book

Manic: Yeah, just keep reachin' for the stars there.
Cassy: *tries not to laugh*
Emi: You might as well laugh, Miss Morgan.
Cassy: Thank you! *cracks up*
Rory: Sad thing about this? It probably would get published.
Mai: And then it would have a proper use as campfire kindling.
Benimaru: So that would be a majority of the fics that we've seen so far.
Mai: Oh, yes, definitely.

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