Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Six Riffers, Episode 1: Emily H the Viking Princess (Part Two)

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Uh... another possible warning: There's another poorly written sex scene in this part.

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i grabbed my dress and got dressed as fast as i could, samson did the same, we ran down the hill and through the town, vikings were running around and shouting "get more water" "put out the flames" "is anyone still alive" tears ran down my as i saw the horror that was my fathers ship,

Manic: Wait, tears ran down your what?
Cassy: Fill in the blank!

a mangled twisted wreckage, flames licked the sails and bow. i shuddered nooo as i covered my mouth and gasped, how was the ship even still floating.

Benimaru: Yeah, good question!

that did not matter though, all i was concerned about was fiending my father. at the waters edge now samson and i could see men jumping off the wrecked ship and swimming to shore. with no warning there was a loud crack and the ship broke in half and started to go under,

Mai: What in the...? It's not the Titanic!

i felt so helpliss just standing there worried about my father. i reckonised one of the men who had just reached the shore, he was my fathers first mate and closest friend. i ran over to where he was, still crying my eyes out. mymy father, is he alright, wheres my father i cried out. gasping for breath my fathers friend just had a grim look on his face. WHAT HAPPENED i screamed again.

Emi: Could you please let him catch himself for a few minutes? He just swam to shore!

we were on our way back when we spotted an island that wasnt on the charts and seemed to be moving twords us, we set sail twords it to check it out, when we got coler to it we could see riches beond anything we had ever seen in our lives, we all ran ashore shouting out what we were going to do with our share, blinded by all the gold and treasure we didnt realize we were being watched. out of nowhere we were under attack hundreads no thousands of worriers swamped us in seconds,

Cassy: No wonder! They were all trying to avoid the apocalypse!

your father was cutting the down two at a time i had never seen a braver man, he held them off so that the remaining vikings could retreat to the ship, but the strange demond like soldgers were on the boat as well, most of us died fending them off the ship. your father stayed behind to hold them off so that we could get out, the last thing i saw of that horror island was your father slaying demonds.

Rory: He slayed diamonds? Might as well make necklaces or rings with 'em.
Mai: Also... where are the quotation marks?
Emi: They're on a smoke break.

my whole body was pail and

Rory: ...filling up with more sand.

shacking tears streaming down my face, my knees went weak but samson wrapped my arms around me and held me tight, the comfost of his warm embrace soothed my sole and warmed my heart.

Benimaru: His embrace was compost and it soothed her feet and warmed her heart? *confused* Huh?
Mai: F7 is an evil little button.

he just held me there as the whoe village was running around in a mad panick to figure out what had happeneda.
then all went silente and my whole body felt light as a feather, my eyes changed frome there ushal golden color, one firey red and the other ash gray,

All: *flatly* What.
Cassy: Color... changing... eyes. *sarcastically claps* Oh! Oh, this is Mary Sue Classic right here, dudes!
Emi: Wait. How did she know that her eyes changed color without anyone telling her? She also wasn't looking in a mirror.
Mai: Let's assume that it was astral projection and call it a day.

i could feel my whole body being filled with power as if i were a golden cup and the gods them selfs were pooring pure nrg into my vary sole.

Manic: Pure "NRG" went into her feet.

my eyes darted open as there was a dephining rore, everyone froze, not a sound could be heard but the faint eco of of what we had all just heard, i my gaze went tword samson whos hair had gone strate and gone black as the darkest night, his eyes were also blue and gray. what was going on?!?

Rory: Turns out that the Norse invented anime!

but i had no time to think,

Benimaru: When do you ever think?
Emi: She never thinks.

we turned to see a great king dragon diving twords the harbor, wat was a king black dragon ding this far north.

Mai: My thoughts exactly.

then,,, nothing.

Emi: Much like the plot to this fic.

i could see the scared viking rushing to the catapolts to try and fend off the king dragon, as the dragon was nearly on top of us now my whole body was raped

All: *confused* What?!
Benimaru: Please tell me... that the word was supposed to be "wrapped". At least tell me that.

into the air flying twords the flying great dragon, i opened my mouth to scream but as i did this a great ball of golden fire bellowed out of my mouth into the smoldering sky,

Manic: Good news, the word was meant to be "wrapped". Bad news... what is this? And what is anything right now?

samson took my hand in his, and in my mind like esp

Rory: Looks like they invented that, too! They invented Sue Psychic Links!

i heard mih, he said to close my eyes and consintrate on Ethnobotany, i had nooooo idea what he ment! but i trusted him with my life

Cassy: You trusted the dude that you knew for all of two seconds?
Rory: You forgot that she bonked him during the second second?
Cassy: *scratches her head* No, it's just that... uh... it's hard to explain this.
Rory: It's a Sue fic. Don't think about it, Cass.

so i did as he said and thought of Ethnobotany. samson drew his once slender blade but it had changed, it was now pure gold and longer than 8 feet long,

Emi: Number one, gold is a soft metal. Number two, that better not be a metaphor for his penis.

the hilt silver and increasted with green jems.

Manic: Truly outrageous.

i saw him fly twords the dragonand i could see how he was flying, there was a dark figure with wings like a demond and a head like a greaat green turtle carrying him through the air like an angel, i turned my head only to see i was also being carried, much unlike samsons though mine had wings like a dove and and the head of a antilope with long horns of blue and gold hair.

Mai: Okay, stop. What in the world is going on right now?
Manic: I can't answer that for you, because I'm also lost.

i turned just in time to see samsons attack fail as he was inglofed with flames, i screamed at the sight and fire again barreled out my mouth, i heard a vaice it was the angel talking, she said it was up to me, only i could defeat the king black dragon,

Benimaru: *sighs* Of course the bland Mary Sue is the only person who could do it. It sure as heck wasn't going to be that random delivery boy.

she said its up to you emily i can lend you my power but you must deliver the kill, take my wepon she said, and in a blind confusion i reached back and felt a chain, i took it in my hand it was a gold chain with a three prong blade on the end, that was glowing with red smoke and seemed to come to life in my hand, the angel swooped up in the sky and dropped my above the black dragon that was now roring and pelting boats with orange fire, as i fel twords the beast i felt no fear, my body was filled with unemaginable power and i knew what i had to do, i swung down screaming fire on the dragons dark neck it turned its gaze up to me as my arm swung the three prong sole stealer into its face,

Rory: Shouldn't you be taking the dragon's feet if it's a sole stealer?

one prong in each eye and the third its nose, the golden chain changed frome gold to black as the dragon rored as i was stealing its sole and taking its power for my own.

Rory: So you only took one foot? It's a dragon. I thought you'd steal every foot that it had!

the dragons skin and flesh burned to nothing and my soel stealer dissapeard as i floated to the ground, i couldnt hear anything over the chears of my people (THE DRAGON IS DEAD< EMILY KILLED IT) they cried.

Mai: The dragon is dead is less than Emily killed it? I do not understand this weird fiction at all. What is this gobbledygook?
Benimaru: Gobbledygook that thinks that it is a coherent story.
Mai: I don't even write this badly... and I have dyslexia.
Benimaru: Well, at least you're not allergic to having others check your writing.

i whispered samson, oh samson where are yo, i looked up as i saw him rising up out of the ash floating and walking twords me,

Emi: The phoenix hails from Norse mythology... I'm kidding. I don't want Mr. James to come after me for muddling mythology.

his skin was burnt and chared he looked awefull, but as he floated twords me the closer he got the more his flesh healed, then he reached out to me naked as he was, but without a scratch on his muckular body, his eyes still blue and gray.

All: *flatly* What.
Manic: Yeah, we didn't need the drama of trying to heal his body with the medicine of the time. Just... just heal magically so they can go away and bonk each other again.

i took his hand in mine and he whisked me away, up up up the mountian that my village was at the bottom of, we came upon a cold grassy feild and still floating above the ground he took me into his arms and started to kiss me, i could see in his eyes that my eyes were also still red and gray,

Rory: How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren't real?
Cassy: *elbows Rory* Shut up, Jaden.

i thought the power must still be lingering in our bodys, i kissed him pack passionitly, as we floated and he (un)tied my dress in the back. my dress fell to the ground as he ran his warm hand down my chest to my opening and slid two fingers in.

Cassy: *throws her hands up* Oh, thanks for jinxing it, Manic!
Manic: I was kidding!

i was almost scared to let out a moan fearing i would breath fire again and burn him but it was to much and my head went back and i let out a soft yessss.

Emi: I love how she's conveniently not breathing fire now.
Rory: Maybe she can only let the fire out if she's screaming.
Emi: She's never breathing out that fire again.

my arms wrapped around his sexy body and down to his firm butt. i could feel his hard cock pressing against my slender leg and i wanted him so badly.

Benimaru: *ignores the fic while reading his book* Uh-huh.

he was kissing my neck when he pulled his fingers out and started to sex me good, the power still in my body i had never felt this way before, i wanted more, i wanted it faster, he never missed a beat, our bodys were one,

Rory: Even though they knew each other for like... a day. Okay, sure. Okay!

my beautyfull skinny pail inosint body in perfict sink with his tall manly body,

Mai: I translated that into the English language. Her bucket filled body was stuck in a sink with his body.
Benimaru: And the "inosint" part?
Mai: ...translation error.

i ran my fingers through his again brown hair as my golden locks seemed to be in zero gravity just floating around us as we had the most magical sex known to mankind.

Manic: I was kidding, fic!
Rory: Are we watching "Puma Man"?

finished as we were i sighed as we floated softly to the ground and just layed there for what seemed like hours on end in each others arms looking at the stary sky.

Rory: *as the sky* Hey, quit staring at me like that, you horny noodniks!

I awoke to the sound of samson breathing and i had never felt so calm and peacefull in my life, then i jerked upright and let out a small scream, my father, he was still missing!!(!)

Benimaru: *facepalms* Are you serious?
Emi: She really prioritized a man that she knew for two seconds over her missing father!
Cassy: Shows how much she really cares about him, huh?

samson got up with me as we got dressed in a hurry and ran down to my house. I opened the chess in the far corner of my small house,

Rory: They invented the game of Chess, too? Wow, they really did invent everything!

and proceeded to take out my light armor and putting it on, it was pure silver but light as a feather, i looked really sexy in a badass way.

Manic: *with a megaphone* This just in: Nobody cares!
Emi: And another thing... armor is meant to be heavy. What's the point of wearing that so-called armor if anything can pierce or cut it?
Rory: Sue armor.

in the bottom of the chesst was a varry old sword my father had givin me when i was young, ["this sword will protect you in your time of need, its woven with emence power"] my father had told me, he had won it in a rade of the land of worlocks.

Mai: I could've sworn that he won it in a lottery raffle.

it was slender like my body

Cassy: Dude, stop fingering yourself over how slim you are. Nobody cares about that crap.

and there were vines with thorns ingraved along the blade, and a long red ribbion flowing off the hilt. i atached it to my belt as samson asked "what are you going to do emily" whatever I can i replied, I cant leave my father out there all alone, hes all i have left and hes always been there for me, now its my turn to save him.

Benimaru: Even though you ignored him.

Im coming with you emily, you will need me on your jerny!

Rory: But... Jenny's not here. I'm confused. Who's Jenny?
Manic: That's "journey", man.
Rory: Journey? Are they coming out with a new album?
Manic: Uh... man, you're something else, Rory.

i was happy he was coming with me, even though i had just met him i felt so safe when he was around, i knew we wouldnt fail in our mision to save my father.

Manic: But the mission for proper spelling and grammar was a whole 'nother thing!

we were walking through the town now to samsons small boat, we looked suuuuuper BADASS togeather, my slender legs covered in silver and the ribbion on my blade flowing as we walked.
everyone around up couldnt hepl but stare.

All: *glares at the screen*
Emi: *with Manic's megaphone* Shut your babbling pie hole, Sue. They aren't looking at you out of jealousy or envy.

we got to samsons boat after talking to my fathers friend who gave up the location of the island, and we set sail, i was standing on the bow of the boat with the wint blowing my beautyfull golden hair as i looked twords the horizon.

Cassy: Someone please push her over the boat so this nonsense can end.
Rory: I thought they could fly. Why do they need a boat?
Cassy: How the hell should I know, dude? This fic ate itself, puked itself out, and ate itself again!

It had been 3 days now and samson and i had enjoied many good nights togeather on the boat to pass the time,

Benimaru: *facepalms* Oh, good god, not more sex...
Manic: If that's the case, then she needs to find another hobby. Like... I don't know, she could play Scrabble or something.
Emi: That would require her to spell properly, Manic. And she's not doing a very good job on that front.
Manic: *snickers*

my cries of pleasure would carry out over the water for miles and eco back.

Benimaru: *buries his face in his hands* Just throw me into the street. Kyo and Daimon can just use Shingo to replace me while I'll recover in the hospital. *pauses* On the other hand... don't throw me into the street. The fans would surely miss my stunning performances, and I have a perfect attendance record to uphold.
Mai: Yeah, nice change of heart there.

I was starting to get worried now though cause it had been 3 days and we still haddnt come across the island.

Rory: Turns out that they were given a map of Westeros. No wonder they were lost!

it was pretty hot with the sun beating down on my face all day long so i decided to go for a swim (in the nude) to cool off. samson smile as he watched me undress,
I dove into the water head first my small body hardly even making a splash,

Emi: ...this is vanity at its finest.

I opened my eyes and looked down the visibility was good i could see maybe 100 feet down before it got to dark. the beauty was emence but i didnt feel good, i was worried about my father, what could be happining to him, was he ok... i wondered where he could be, would we ever fiend him.
then

Manic: ...she was eaten by a shark. Fic's over!

in the distance I coud see a figure gliding twords me, i couldnt tell what it was but it filled me with wnder and intrest, it was so beautyfull, closer now I could tell it was a deep green blanket octopussy.

Rory: Holy crap, they invented the James Bond series, too?!
Cassy: Someone's going to flunk History... and it ain't gonna be me!
Mai: Gifted in technology, really poor in history. Don't quit your day job, Rory.
Cassy: This has been the Rory Hancock poetry slam... where we literally slam Rory with rhymes.

i was frozen with wonder as it stopped right in front of me and just hovered there looking into my eyes like it was trying to comunicate with me. on impulls i closed my eyes and focused on Ethnobotany.

Manic: Sorry, but what the heck is ethnobotany? I should've asked that earlier.
Emi: Well, since "botany" is in it, it obviously has to do with plants. Who has the dictionary?
Mai: *with a dictionary* Let's see... "the study of how people from different cultures use native plants for traditional uses." *frowns* It looks like our Suethor pulled that word out to make herself sound smarter.
Manic: I can tell. It's even spelled correctly.

then i heard it, faint at first then clearer, he was talking to me. he said in a great proud voice my name is Gollum,

Benimaru: Gollum... from the "Lord of the Rings"? What?!
Rory: They invented Tolkien, too?!
Benimaru: Rory, if you're actually believing all of this, then your grade in History might drop to a Z.
Cassy: It'll probably end up being graded in Wingdings. Forget the Z, dude.
Rory: I never said that I believed it! I'm not that dense!

i have been sent by your father to fiend you, he is in great danger and needs your help, then with my eyes closed gollum sent my a pitcure in my minde of the island and where we would fiend it, then he said " in your time of need I will help you, all you have to do is consintrate on Ethnobotany and i will help".

Cassy: Yeah, Suethor really copy and pasted that word. It's capitalized, too!

he turned and swam away, i couldnt breath, i had to surfac, as my head broke through the water i gasped for breath as i through my hair back, little droplits of water sparkling in the sun.

Benimaru: Congratulations, ocean! It's a healthy Mary Sue!
Emi: This is where the "throw it back into the sea" thing won't work.

samson reached down to me and pulled me onto the boat, he said " i was worried about you, you were down there for a long time! i was painting to catch my breath

Rory: ...with Bob Ross. Gotta paint some happy little trees, too.
Manic: ...in the ocean?
Rory: It's Bob Ross. Hey, I didn't make the rules, he did. Go paint a tree.

but i managed to explain to him wat had just happened. WOW that must mean your father is an Ethnobotanyman and passed it on to you, you both have great power and are to be feared. i had no idea what this ment

Mai: ...because the correct term is actually "ethnobotanist". Also, what's so fearful and powerful about studying plants? Unless the ability involves using plants for medicinal purposes or natural weapons, I don't see the point here.
Cassy: Neither does she.

but i didnt have time to think about it,

Cassy: See?
Benimaru: She never thinks! All she thinks about is sex!
Emi: Miss Baxter was never this terrible. At least she can do other things.

we turned the ship and set sail in the islands direction. hours passed before the island was in site, i was so releaved when I could see it, we were almost there. my spirets high i just wanted the damn ship to go faster, samson must have senced my angst cause he put his arm around me and just smiled, were going to fiend your father emily hes everything is going to be A OK.

Manic: It's not gonna be okay if you're going to turn him into a demon.
Cassy: You were right, Manic. This fic really is hilariously bad.
Manic: Told ya.

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