Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Six Riffers, Episode 1: Emily H the Viking Princess (Part Three)

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Warning: Yes, there's an actual warning this time. This part contains a rape scene... along with another poorly done sex scene.

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finally after waht seemed like hours but im sure was only minutes we landed on the shore line of the great island. there was a cliff face 1000 feet high with great trees growing out of it, the trees seemed to be crying golden tears,

Mai: This has got to be the world's poorest attempt at purple prose.

i reached out and a leaf softly landed on my hand, i looked at it and it was made of gold, my eyes were as wide as bowls, the leaf was as light as any other normal leaf but it was made of gold and glowed even in the dark.

Emi: Unless you held your hand over it, how can you tell that it glowed in the dark?
Rory: Magic.

I now knew why the viking had gotten so siced when they had first found the island, the whole island was growing treasure and rare jems right out of the ground.

Manic: So this is Princess Mary Sue Island!
Cassy: This must be Kira's birthplace.

samson said " we souldnt take anything, we might anger the island demonds, this island isnt of this world, we will be in great danger if we let greed take over our soles."

Rory: I've never heard of greed taking over people's feet before.

i nodded and we started to treck down the beach to of sault and pepper gold and silver sand to fiend a was in the treasure jungle.

Emi: Well, salt and pepper are the most important treasures... for seasoning your food.
Benimaru: That's saying a lot from the one who enjoys food, huh?
Emi: *smiles* Of course!

we found a path that lead up the mountin and started the hike up, nothing could hold me back, I couldnt think of anything but fiending my father.

Manic: Even though you bonked a guy that you knew for like two seconds and completely forgot that your father even existed... okay. Sure.

I didnt even notice that the trees had vines of silk and thorns of of rubys, and that even the small animals had fur of so soft it could keep you warm even on the coldest days.

Emi: Which means that you did notice. You can't say that you didn't notice it and then give details to us.

we were walking on a vary small path now with a sheir cliff face up to the left and down hundreads of feet to the left, one bad step and,,, [AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA]
my foot slipped and a began the long fall to what i was sure was my death

Cassy: You're not gonna die. We've all been around the riffing block. We're not dumb.

i could see samsons faild atempt to grab me, it was to late i was gone, a tear ran down my face, i wasnt ready to die.

Rory: *unfazed* I'm gonna get slapped in the face with a fish in a minute, right?
Benimaru: Forget being slapped. At this rate, we'll be beaten to death with dead herrings.
Cassy: More single tears? *spots Miyu in the stands* No, Miyu, there's no littering.
Miyu: *waves* Thank you!

i turned down and saw a pond, this was my chance, i wasnot ready to die i had to aim for the water but theres only so much you can do when falling. i closed my eyes and prayed i would make it, it felt like hitting a brick wall but with a great splash i darted down into the water and surfaced swimming to the land. i was soaking wet but alive.

Manic: *woodenly* Oh, look. She lived. What a surprise.

i layed down on a huge uncut dimond with moss growing on it to dry off and calmb down.

Rory: Moss... growing on diamonds? Is this a thing?
Mai: I don't think so, Rory.

but the second i closed my eyes i passed out, my body had to reset to take in all that had just happened. i awoke and slowly opened my lazy golden eyes, only to see that standing infront of me were th3 tall demonds

Mai: Wait, is it "the tall demons" or "three tall demons"?
Manic: Who knows, just say that it was a bunch of tall diamonds.
Mai: Tall diamonds?
Manic: Hey, I'm taking these typos literally and running with it. They're all tall diamonds.

i shot up and reached for my sword, to my shock it was gone,

Benimaru: *flatly* Quelle surprise.

the tallest demond sad in a dark voice 'looking for this' as he held my blade in his dirty hand and laughed, im not alone i said if you touch me samson will kill the shit out of you demond scum!![!]

Rory: Uh... I thought that she was a Viking princess. Why's she waiting for her Prince Charming to swoop in and save the day?
Cassy: Sue powers fluctuate, dude.

hahahahahah! is that any way to talk to your new owner, laughed the domond.

Emi: Excuse me? This better not lead to where I think it might be leading.

he reached out and grabbed me by the shoulder and lifted me up off my feet, with his other hand he tore my armor off so that i was naked and exposed,

Mai: Then... that's not armor. That's basically paper.

i started to silently cry, and he grined and said dont worry, im not going to kill you. he tossed me no my back and got on top of me, his slimy hand grabbed my breast and squeezed it hard, i could feel him pressing up on me, he started to rape me,

All: *facepalms*
Benimaru: *sighs* Great. Just what we needed. A random rape scene.
Emi: Unfortunately, I was right. It's not a Mary Sue fic without someone attempting to rape her or someone actually raping her. *sighs* I should know, considering that I'm a former Sue.

tarring me open cause he was so big,

Rory: *stone faced* No.

i screamed, in pain but there was a little hint of pleasure in my scream as well,

Manic: Oh, come on! Not the stupid old "My mind refused it, but my body accepted it" crap again!
Benimaru: Kyo would not be amused at that.
Cassy: No kidding. Still haven't forgotten the time he melted a Rubik's Cube because of that old line.

his hand still rubbing my breasts as his other hand slid up my chest to my neck and he started to choke me, my small body

Mai: And there's yet another cliché. The rapist must be about three times bigger or stronger than the tiny rape victim.

couldnt handly this he had been raping my for wat seemed like hours,

Rory: Looks like the Norse didn't have time to invent Viagra or any medical warnings.

and then i heard one of the other demonds yell and scream, blood splattered onto my face and the the tip of a dark blade came out of the demons belly and he rolled off me. samson stood over them and quickly turned and decapitated the third and last demond. he grabbed me up and embraced my tightly, im sooo soos o sorry emily, im so sorry i wasnt there for you.. i searched for you for hours. i have faild you as your protector. i couldnt talk i just cried, and then passed out again.

Cassy: And of course she magically passes out. Y'know, if we didn't have that random rape scene, this would've been the best worst fic ever.
Manic: Well... it kinda still is, actually.

samson layed me down on a bed of moss and cleaned the blood and grime off my skin, he slowly moven his hands along my sexy comatose body

Rory: Eww, noooo! What's supposed to be so sexy about an unconscious lady?
Cassy: Necrophiliacs practically love it!
Rory: *falls out of his seat, proceeds to roll around on the platform*
Mai: Wonderful, Cassy. You just broke him.
Manic: *scratches his head* Didn't know that it was even possible to break Rory again. That's a first.

checking for any cuts and cleaning them up with the magic water. then starting a small fire and sitting by my side trying to stay awake, but evetualy falling asleep by my side.
then out of the dakness crept a figure quietly talking to its self, hehheh they finally fell asleep, shhh cant wake them the boy will surly run me through like he did the gundamns,

Rory: *stops rolling around* Wait, what?! They invented freakin' Gundams?!

hehheh what fine wepons ill just take these for mysewlf he snickered.

Emi: Wait, hold on. How does she know that this person is going about and talking to himself? And how did she know about being comatose earlier? This fic is in the first person. She shouldn't know any of this at all!

(he was garth the theif,

Benimaru: Garth Brooks?
Cassy: No, he's that Garth dude who always hangs around his friend Wayne.
Manic, Rory: Excellent!

a lonely wounder who stumbled across the island and was filled with greed but the island gundams let him be for he was no harm, he was a good sole)

Manic: He was even supported by Dr. Scholl.

hehheh what a pretty girl you are he grinned his pearly white sharp teeth as he softly ran his hand across my breests, then as quick as he came out of the darkness he was gone back into the forrest of riches.

Mai: *sighs* And of course someone else has to grope the Sue.
Benimaru: Also, she's supposed to be asleep. What is going on here?
Mai: Nonsense. That's what's going on.

i woke up the next day clean and clothed, i could see what once was a fire smoking and samson sitting next to me, i sat up and he handed me food, i was so hungry i stuffed it all in so fast,

Cassy: It was sausage.
Manic: *snickers*
Mai: *quietly whacks Cassy with a rolled-up newspaper*
Cassy: Ow, dude!

slow down samson said, youll hurt yourself,

Benimaru: And that just riffed itself. Thanks a lot, Cassy.
Cassy: No problem, dude!

something must have stolen our wepons last night, when i woke they were gone. ''what had happened last night, i couldnt remember anything'' i thought.

Emi: Don't lie to us. You saw everything with your omnipotent first person perspective.

then it came back to me, i dropped my food and just sat there, then i remembered my father,

Manic: Well, that was random as heck!

i looked away frome samson and said, let there be no talk of what happened, it doesnt matter, right now all that matteres if fiending my father and getting home. samson replied we dont have much time, i heard one of the demonds say there king is going to eat a powerfull viking tonight on the full blue moon to gain his power, theres no doubt its your father we must hurry to the treasure island demond village and save your father.

Benimaru: And so the Gundams invented King Kong. Also, thanks for the infodump.

we made our way through the treasure forest to the demond village making good time, finally we cleared the top of the last hill and were looking over the village, it was a small village, only the top incharge domonds were aloud to live here so there were only maybe 20 or so, that we counted but they were much bigger than the domonds we had ran into before, big enough to knock a house down with one strike,

Rory: Yeah, don't worry, Benji will just deal with them.
All: *laughing loudly*
Emi: Oh, that's a good one, Mr. Hancock!

they had already began there chanting, there wasnt much time left, we had to act, we could see my father tied up to a poll in the center of the town.

Mai: He's stuck voting on what kind of cheese he likes for his sandwich.

and the demonds were circled around him, what were we to DO!!?(?)

Cassy: You panic like you normally do. Duh!
Emi: Also, why is that question mark in parenthesis?
Cassy: How the heck should I know? Author was probably drunk off of her rocker when she wrote this.
Rory: ...you sure that you can call that writing?
Cassy: Ha!

then it came to me, GOLLUM, I needed his help, samson lend me your energy, i need to call gollum the great octupuss, he will help us.

Manic: *confused* You kiddin' me?

we sat down and held hands, we closed our eyes and focused all our energy on Ethnobotany,

Emi: Stop focusing on "Ethnobotany"! It does nothing! You're just using that word to try to make yourself sound smart! Stop!
Benimaru: That word has got to have been copied and pasted.

we started to glow! it got super intence, out of the sky fell gollum the GREAT OCTUPUSs he was larger than a fucking moutian he was killing and tarring apart the demonds, out of the forrest came hundreads no thousands of demonds attacking gollum but nothing could hurt him he was invincable tarring flesh and crunching bowns fire was falling frome the sky all around the island, burning and hell was coming out of the ground but nothing could hurt him he killed the whole fucking island, it started to sink in to the abiss, samson grabbed me and we bolted over to my father, togeather we ran to samsons boat dodging and cutting demonds the whole way, we jumped onto the boat and to our suprize garth was in there huddled down under our supplies, but we had no time, we cast off and got the hell out of there just in time.sailing off away frome that curssed island.

All: *confused*
Benimaru: What... in the hell... did we just read here?
Mai: I have no idea.

Really hope you guys like it,

Rory: What's there to like about a super octopus destroying everything? That's something that I would make up if I was still five years old!
Cassy: Or if it was a Godzilla movie.
Rory: Godzilla versus a super octopus?
Manic: Hey, I'd watch that.

if you didnt you dont have to be a dick and poste mean things about it or me, i worked really damn hard on it!

Emi: No, you didn't. Stop lying to us.

Part two of Emil H the viking princess

Cassy: "Emil"? I didn't know that the Sue had a twin brother.

we had made it, samson and i had saved my father and were now on our way home.

Benimaru: More like the "Great Octopus" enabled you to do that.

adrenalin was still pumping through my vains and my eyes showen a slight hint of gold in them,

Emi: How would you know what your eyes look like?!
Rory: Simple, she used "Ethnobotany" to look at 'em!

but I had sone it, I hugged my father so tightly and I started explaining to him all that had happened,

Manic: Excluding the sex bits.

I tole him about samson and the dragon and how we found the island and everything, I was just so happy I had my father back, then my father turned to samson 'who was trying to talk to garth but garth haddent said a word the whole time'

Mai: His trip wasn't excellent.

my father called samson over and looked into his eyes "so I have you to thank for keeping my Emily safe,

All: *coughing awkwardly*

you have done me and my whole village a great deed and I am in your debt good sir" samson just smiled and shook my fathers hand. samson asked if he could talk to my father in private, they went below deck to talk, I woundered what they could be talking about, I had no idea and it frustrated me to no end.

Mai: It's marriage. There's no way that it can't be marriage.

garth came over and sat next to me, I looked over at his dirty soiled body and realized he couldnt have been much older than samson, he was tall and had sharp teeth, he stood and took off his shirt exposing his rock hard tan chest, I couldnt help but think how hot he was,

Benimaru: *facepalms* Really, now? Really?
Cassy: Dude, I'm sorry, but I can't find you attractive if you don't wash up first.

he smiled at me and dove into the water. I ran over to the side of the ship and watched him swimm through the water like a fish in his cut off shotes,

Manic: And he probably drinks like a fish, too!
Cassy: One Jessie, please!

I was thinking about joining him in the water cause it was a hot day and the water looked so nice,

Rory: Are you sure, ma'am? Are you really sure?

but just then my father and samson came up frome below

Emi: ...did that just riff itself?
Benimaru: I am not going to dignify that with a response.

so I turned and asked what they were talking about, they both smilede at me and said we cant tell you that, its a suprize.
I shot them a evil glar then smiled, I hate suprizes, but i guess i have to wait, i laughed and then jumped into the water with garth and we swam around and played in the water.

Cassy: And the surprise? A shark bit her legs off.
Rory: ...will they invent lawyers for that?

after four days on the boat our little viking town was in sight, happiness spilled out,

Mai: So... sugar spilled out?

I smiled and hugged samosn so tightly, we had made it.
we pulled into the harbor and docked samsons small ship. Martha a viking who was an old friend of mine saw us first and yelled EMILYS BACK AND SHE SAVED HER FATHER, SAMSON AND EMILY DID IT!!(?) like lightning the whole village was around us yelling and asking how we did it whta had happened, its not like I wasnt happy to see everyone, but all I wanted to do was go back to my house and be with samson and my father,

Emi: But mostly Samson. And we all know why.
Manic: Is Martha even a Viking name?
Emi: It's a Norwegian name, but... no, I don't think that it is.
Cassy: And why is the fic questioning if the Sue and her hump buddy did it?
Benimaru: Because even the fic knows that it was nuts.

my father must have senced this, he shouted its been a long week, my daughter and I are going back to our house to rest we will see you all tomorrow.
the croud made a path and we set off twords our house...
I made a small bed out of straw in the corned for garth to sleep in,

Benimaru: Garth the Chicken.

before heading to my room where samson was waiting for me.

I crawled into bed with him and snuggled up to his warm body, I asked him what were you and my father talking about the other day on the boat(?)
he just looked at me and smiled, I squinted my golden eyes at him playfully and he kissed me,

All: Oh, not this stuff again!

we started making out and I reached into his shorts, he was rock hard,

All: *groans in annoyance*

he pulled my dress over my small body so I was naked, he turned me over so we were in the doggy possion and he started sexing me, like a perfict song sang by elves in the clean white mountians,

Mai: I have no idea what's going on any more. Just end it and me.
Benimaru: I changed my mind. Can someone please throw me into the street so I can be hit by a moving truck?
Emi: Uh... I'll just end up cutting you off so I can get hit, Nikaido-san.
Manic: I think my soul's leaving my body.
Rory: *stares at the sky* Yeah, same here.
Cassy: I lost my soul while riffing "Sabrina's Adventure 2". And how the hell does she know about the doggy position?
Rory: I guess the Vikings invented dirty sex and wrote those Kama Sutra texts!

I felt so amazing, he was so deep inside me harder and harder I climaxed like three times, I lost track of all time, as if we were in a whole diffrent dimention of perfect sex,

Rory: *pours a shot of Bleepka* Fire or no fire?
Benimaru: Just pour the Bleepka all over yourself and light yourself on fire. It'll be much less painful.
Rory: *shrugs, takes the shot of Bleepka* Yeah, I like it when I'm not on fire. My name's not Kyo.

my mones were part of the song of sex,

Manic: Seriously, what the hell is this crap? The sex scenes in "A Story of Destined Love" and "Saranghamnida" were better than this!

samson like a griffen on top of me never missed a beat, he was the perfict boy for me.

Emi: Even though he was the only one. Why is the first one always the perfect one?
Benimaru: It's because it's a Sue fic. It's very obvious that it's a Sue fic.
Mai: And a self-insert one. I know that we haven't brought that up, but the Suethor's name is "emilyh96".
Manic: Huh. Well, we learn new things every day!

he finnished and pulled out, I rolled over into his armes and fell asleep to dream about being with my samson forever.

Mai: I can't wait until this fic ends forever.

I woke up the next morning and rolled out of bed feeling amazing samson was still sleeping so i tiptoed out of the room to make my father and samson food,

Cassy: Sex and food. The life of Benji Himura.
Manic: That's the life of any sexist Gary Stu, actually.

I was looking through the kitchen but couldnt fiend anything to make when garth came through the front door with four orange fesents and a small bore hung over his shoulder.

Rory: Yeah, and you have six bored riffers right here.

I'm not much of a sleeper

Benimaru: Oh, I wonder why!
Emi: Um, Nikaido-san... keep reading, because it'll show that the Sue didn't say that.
Benimaru: Oh. See, this is why we need quotation marks.

so last night I went out to get some game garth said with a grunt as he dropped the meat on the table. my eyes couldnt leave him, he looked so hawt carrying his catch, what a man I thought.

Cassy: I swear, she has sex once, and suddenly, she wants to bonk every dude who isn't her father!

he skinned and feathered the birds and bore, as I went out to my garden and picked some fresh friutes and vegies, together we made a feast good enough for the goddamn gods,

Manic: Well, goddamn, you're goin' to Hell after this!

samson was the first to come out and see what we had prepared, he yawned and smiled with eyes filled with sleep, wow babe this lookes good, I smiled my white teeth

Rory: Didn't know that they invented whitening strips, too!

and skipped over to my fathers door, foods ready father, I heared him grone and step onto the floor, i glided back over to the table and sat next to samson, my father burst through his door 'DAMN THAT SMELLS GOOD!!1'

Mai: Are we suddenly in a sitcom now?
Manic: Yeah, her dad turned into Kramer!

his eyes were filled with life, he sat down and we all started eating talking and laughing. it was heart warming,

Emi: So is this the Thanksgiving or Christmas special?

after we were done I cleaned up as my father samson and garth smoked a pipe outside on the front porch, I couldnt have been more happy. (:

Emi: Oh. So we're watching something on the Hallmark Channel now. Okay.
Mai: And those emotes need to go.

I came outside after I was dont with my work, and asked samson if he wanted to walk through the town with me, he held my hand as we started down the kill to the town, everyone we passed waved and shouted hello and thanks for saving the village frome that king dragon and other praises twords me. I felt so important.

Cassy: Ooh, that couldn't sound more full of it.

I say a beautyfull red ribbion in a store window and asked samson if he would get it for me, but before I had time to finish the shop keep said Oh Emily Anything For You My Dear and tied it in my golden hair, I couldnt stop smiling. my life was great and everyone couldnt stop telling me how great I was, I was living in a dream and the dream loved me.

Benimaru: ...why am I not in the middle of the street yet?
Manic: This has got to be one of the craziest Mary Sue fests I've ever seen.
Rory: *shrugs* She's still a lot more tolerable than you-know-who.

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