Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Riffer Recruits, Episode 3: Wish Upon a Starr (Part Three)

--

Chapter four: Who luvs who?

Tails: Nobody "luvs" anybody.

Author's Note: Yay! I'm done with Sonic Riders! So, I can come out with the new special story soon! Starring (hee hee, I said Starr…) Starr, Jet, and the rest! Yay! I've been making Power Points so I'm delayed. Um, anyway, enjoy Chapter four…

Akiko: How is an author's note being stuffed into an author's note? What kinda paradox is this?
Miyuki: *as she's waving a brick* The one you can knock me out of.
Tails: I should've asked you earlier, but why are you making a brick wall when we're in a penthouse?
Miyuki: I dunno. I tossed one of the screens out of the window a few weeks ago. Tomoko was there.
Tomoko: Don't remind me.

"Morning, Vector…" Charmy yawned. The crocodile looked up from the newspaper.

"Hey," he replied. Charmy looked in the pantry.

"Hey… where's the pancake stuff? And the pickles?" Charmy asked.

"Uhhh… you ate it."

"Aw, MAN! I hate Bran cereal!" Charmy whined. Espio smirked.

Tomoko: Will two scoops close your one mouth?

"You could eat Vector if you'd rather…" he grinned. Vector gave Espio a spiteful stare.

"Don't fill his head with bad ideas, he's six for crud's sake!" he growled.

"Yeah! Besides, I'd rather chew my stinger off!" Charmy wailed. Espio rolled his eyes and went back into meditation. But he and the other Chaotix team perked up the minute the heard…

Knock knock!

Miyuki: Who's there?
Tomoko: No.
Miyuki: No who?
Tomoko: There's no damn joke, Fujiwara. It's just a no.

"It's eight in the morning! We don't do work until ten!" Charmy whined again as Vector answered the door, "Ah, probably some, 'My Chao's stuck in a tree' junk…"

Akiko: Is Cass up there, too?

Vector opened the door and almost fell over at the sight of the prettiest creature to meet his eye.

Miyuki: The blob thing?
Tails: *snickers*

"Oh… uh… hi… Starr," he stuttered. Espio and Charmy jumped up at the sound of her name.

"HI, STARR! CAN WE HELP YOU? YOUR CHAO STUCK IN A TREE? WE CAN GET HIM DOWN IF YOU WANT! FREE OF CHARGE!" they shouted.

Tomoko: How about I throw her up a tree?
Tails: Oh, come on, she's not that bad... so far.

"No," Starr giggled, "I don't have a Chao yet. I was at the store this morning and I thought I'd pick everybody up something!" She gave Charmy pancake stuff and pickles (I have such a sick obsession!), Espio a sleep mask and ear plugs, and Vector a new magnifying glass.

"COOL! THANKS!" Charmy squealed.

"No, problem," Starr smiled. She looked down and blushed. "Uh, bye…" and she ran off.

"I think she likes me," Espio squealed.

Akiko: *makes a face* We're doing this now? Now? Why?
Tomoko: Don't know, don't care.

"WHAT? Nuh-uh! She likes me! I'm cute and adorable, you're a constipated freak!" Charmy argued.

"SHUT UP, MIDGET!"

Miyuki: *flatly* Classy.

"Hey, hey, guys," Vector said quickly, "let's just settle this. She doesn't like either of you. She likes me okay all settled and I'm now running away!"

"Wha-? YOU CAN'T TAKE HER! WE SAW HER FIRST!" Espio yelled.

"Yeah! I saw her first!" Charmy yelled.

Tails: Isn't this the stuff that the Black Crow hates? Didn't they deal with the "girl or woman as a prize" thing?
Akiko: Don't remind Kyo-chan about that.

(Okay, hours later of smacking and cursing and swearing and all that stuff Charmy shouldn't hear or say)

"Hi, Jet!" Starr chirped to her dozing brother. Jet opened one eye and got a cute smile.

"Hi, Sis!" he chirped.

Sonic (my- uhhh, let's just use the long form of her first name, Sonic-Boom)

Sonic-Boom: Stop making Jet such a cute adorable creature! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL! EVIL I TELL YOU! EVIL!

Tails: Well, he's not really evil, just... never mind. Why do I bother...
Tomoko: Welcome to riffing, Prower.

bloomacncheez: And?

Sonic-Boom: (sighs) Whatever…

(Resuming…)

Miyuki: We had to stop the fic for another useless convo, huh?
Tails: *sighs* Yep.

"Hi, Starr," Jet said with a little smile, "where'd you go?"

"Uh, the CDA. I just dropped off a few whatevers…" Starr explained. Jet grinned evilly.

"You know that all three of them like you."

"Yeah, it's a little obvious…" Starr giggled and then stopped smiling and got quiet.

"You like any of them back?" Jet asked after awhile. Starr looked up at him and sighed.

"I can tell you who I do like…" she said, "if you can keep it quiet." Jet nodded. "Okay, I have a crush on…"

Akiko: ...a bad cliffhanger.

(Back at the CDA)

"Okay, Starr left about twenty minutes ago, we need to put this fight to an end," Vector pleaded. Charmy put down his crowbar.

Tails: They fought over a toucan who barely has an established personality? Again, I'm not saying that she's terrible, I'm saying that we don't know much about her!
Akiko: Better than Rina.
Tails: Who?
Akiko: She's the prettiest stack of letters. At least that's how Cass described her.
Tails: You really wanted to know about every fic that the Black Crow riffed, huh?
Akiko: Why not? It was fun to hear them talk about it. Still, I'm tired of characters running around and making guys stupid with their "beauty". Drives me nuts.

"Yeah, you're right," he sighed. Espio still held his broken beer bottle. "Put it down tough guy." Espio dropped it.

Miyuki: A broken beer bottle? I think we're in the wrong Sega franchise, folks.
Tomoko: I'd read that. Start sending in the fat fire breathing guys and the rocket launcher cars.

"Let's just forget about her, okay, boys?" Vector said.

"Okay," the other two agreed.

Akiko: They're not going to forget.

(Five minutes later…)

"AAAAAAAAAAHH! I'VE GOT TO TELL HER!" Charmy shrieked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! STARR!" Espio screamed.

"Huh, so much for that," Vector sighed.

Akiko: See?
Tomoko: *sighs* Unfortunately.

(Meanwhile…)

"Really? You like HIM?" Jet awed.

Tails: Wait, she likes the red devil looking guy?
Miyuki: Pfft!

"Uh, yes," Starr blushed. Jet shook his head trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, well, it could've been worse," Jet snickered, "You could've liked Chris Thorndyke."

"Once again, who the snot is Chris Thorndyke?"

"Just disregard that! Wait until the next chapter! Jeez!" Jet mumbled.

Miyuki: *goes back to building her wall* You're not doing a good job of breaking the fourth wall...

"So, you don't mind?"

"Course not, it's not like I'M marrying him."

"Good, or else I'd kill you, Jet," Starr hissed. Jet blinked.

"I'm not that stupid, Starr, maybe I've changed since we saw each other last, but I'm not-."

"I was using sarcasm."

Tails: *silently browsing on his Miles Electric*
Miyuki: You really need to go to a riffing workshop or something, lady.
Tomoko: Screw it, just flunk her out.

"Oh."

"You've spent too much time with Storm…"

"Yeah, probably."

Akiko: Really doubt that Storm would drop a person's IQ...

(That afternoon…)

Vector had gone out… somewhere… (Shifty eyes)… and had left Charmy and Espio at home alone… yeah… BAD idea.

"SHE'S MINE!"

"CHARMY, IT'S ILLEAGAL FOR AN ADULT TO DATE A SIX-YEAR-OLD!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

BANG! BANG! POW! SMASH! HURT! KILL! DEAD! (I wish sometimes…)

Tomoko: Why the hell are "hurt", "kill", and "dead" sound effects? And why can't I kill this fic my own damn self?
Miyuki: You could just toss the screen out of the window.
Tomoko: I'm not going to follow your cracked advice, Fujiwara.

"What are guys doing?" Jet asked who was for some odd reason sleeping on their windowsill.

Tails: Well, that came out of nowhere.
Akiko: We're just throwing things into a blender and calling it a fic, huh?
Tails: It's the world's unhealthiest smoothie.

"Uh, no reason, we weren't planning on dating your sister…" Charmy lied.

"Charmy, shut up!" Espio hissed.

"You aren't my mom so you can't make me!"

POW SMASH HURT!

"She doesn't like you."

"WHAT?" the two shrieked. Jet closed his eyes with a smile.

"I said nothing."

"Who doesn't she like?" Espio asked eagerly.

"Either of you," Jet answered.

"Well, who DOES she like?" Charmy snapped. Jet grinned an EVIL grin.

Akiko: To make it even more evil, that word had to be in caps, too. Maybe I should put little devil horns on the "E" and the "L" to boot.

"I swore on my life never to tell a soul…" he smirked, "however…"

Miyuki: I have no soul! Tell me!
Tails: World's worst admission.

"You'll tell us?" Espio said bouncing up and down.

Tomoko: Why the hell is a supposedly stoic ninja bouncing around like he has pure sugar in his veins?

"No. But I can tell you who everybody else likes."

"Well, what good is that?"

Tails: There is no good in that. It's just more dumb filler.

"I dunno, I told you I swore on my life never to tell you that Starr likes... I won't say."

"Why not?" Charmy groaned, "What do we have to do to make you tell?"

"Well… I can't tell you who she likes… but… I can help you win her over…" Jet whispered.

"ANYTHING!" Espio screamed.

" You're too serious and, Charmy, you're too little, my work here is done." And he flew off before you could say "Llama."

Miyuki: This fic's trying way too hard to be funny. And it needs to quit.
Akiko: Wait, Espio is too serious? How? He's been bouncing around like he's on a sugar rush!

"That's it?" Espio awed.

"Hmph, he's lucky I won't sting him," Charmy sneered. Espio scratched his head and said, "I've got it."

Tails: Got what?
Akiko: Wish it was the end of this fic.

Later…

"Hi, Starr!" Espio called. Starr turned to face her friends but immediately fell back in shock.

"WHAT THE-?" she shrieked. There were the two young Chaotix members, totally changed. Jet (where does he keep coming from?) stifled a laugh.

"Oh, my gosh…" he chuckled. Charmy was wearing a false mustache and Espio was wearing a little bowtie (for some odd reason it was strikingly similar to Cheese's…) and had a fake rubber nose with a goofy expression upon his face.

Akiko: *confused*
Tomoko: *disgusted* This is humor? Really?

"Hello, dear Starr, how art thou tis' afternoon?" Charmy said. Starr cocked her head.

"Come again?" she asked. Espio ran around in circles honking his nose making it go "Honkie honkie!"

"HEYYOUKNOWWHATIHAVETHISREALLYFUNNYJOKEWANNAHEARITWANNAWANNADOYADOYADOYAWELLTHERE'STWOMENINABARANDONESAYSTOTHEOTHERYOU'REGONNACRACKUPILOVEPUDDINGHAHAHAWASN'TTHATFUNNYHUHHUHHUH?" Espio screamed.

Akiko: ...why...?
Tomoko: *facepalms, groans in frustration*
Miyuki: I have never seen a line that we had to scroll horizontally to read before. This is so bad. You know what... *walks to the window, opens it*
Tails: Don't you dare. Kyo had to throw Sonic and Amy back like they were hooked fish when they tried to leave.
Miyuki: Which Kyo?
Tails: Kusanagi. And I think that incident made him hate hedgehogs now...

"What are you guys doing?" Starr screamed angrily.

Tomoko: My thoughts exactly. What the hell are they doing?

Charmy and Espio shut up. Jet looked startled. "I liked you the way you were! Maybe I don't love you guys like boyfriends but this was just disrespectful! I've been truly hurt!" and she ran off.

Akiko: It was disrespectful to your eardrums, but was it really offensive? *scratches her head* Yeah, I'm definitely lost. Like... middle of the desert lost.
Miyuki: And you're gonna die of dehydration.

"Starr! Wait, sis!" Jet called.

"You said this would work," Charmy snarled. Jet chuckled nervously.

"Uh… I haven't seen her for sixteen years, don't blame me!" he said and dashed off. Charmy sat quietly and Espio honked his nose again. Charmy glared at him and Espio stopped smiling.

Later…

"I feel so stupid," Espio sighed lying down on the bed.

Tails: Well, this fic did make you stupid, so...

"Why?" Vector asked him.

"Because we embarrassed ourselves and made Starr mad," Charmy sighed.

"Well she forgives you guys," Vector said.

"SHE DOES! Wait… how do you know she forgives us?" Espio asked suspiciously.

Tomoko: Because reasons, plot device, no plot, yadda yadda... whatever.

"Uh… um… LOOK! CHRIS THORNDYKE!" Vector shouted.

"Ooh! Where?" Charmy squealed turning around.

"Ha, right, he doesn't appear until the next chapter," Espio smirked.

Miyuki: *throws a brick at the screen*
Tails: *sighs* We're getting billed.
Akiko: That's okay, I'll just put it on Jade's tab. She won't notice a thing.
Tails: *rubs his forehead* And it's all coming full circle...
Tomoko: Wait, what the hell? I thought that the sponsor was loaded. Why're we passing the tab to Kirishima? I don't want to deal with her crap!
Tails: I didn't want to be a rude guest, but... I thought it would be proper to replace it ourselves...
Tomoko: I get that, but you're not the problem, Prower. It's just a home issue between me and those two idiots over there.

"… OOH! LOOK! A MIRROR!"

Tomoko: Break it. Let's see if I'm getting seven years of bad fanfics.

"Oh! Where's me?" Espio squealed. And when they turned around, Vector was gone.

"OOH!" Charmy growled angrily, "One of these days I'm going to-."

"Look!" Espio shouted, "Its Starr!" She was pacing on the beach as if she expected someone.

Akiko: More like something. Like a plot.

"Oh… where is he?" Starr mumbled.

"Hey, Starr!" Vector called.

"Aah! I thought you'd forgotten!" Starr screamed embracing him.

"What? She likes VECTOR?" Espio screamed. Charmy passed out.

"Course not! That's what… friends are for… right?" Vector asked.

"Oh, maybe not," Espio said. Charmy unfainted.

"Friends huh?" Starr smirked. Then she took his hands and touched the tip of her beak to his mouth.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Espio screamed. Charmy refainted.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Miyuki: What was the point of this chapter? It was just full of nothing except for the fact that she probably likes Vector!
Tails: I think we just ate the fanfic equivalent of sugar.
Tomoko: If that's the case, I'm not calling LeMaire's hotline. I'm surprised that his ass hasn't been shuttered by a medical board yet.
Akiko: Or maybe... he nuked the medical boards.
Miyuki: Nah. Dr. Oz still has his show. They're not coming after Kyo.

--

Continue to Part Four
Go Back to Part Two
Go Back to Disasterpiece Theater Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page