Mystery Science Theater En Masse: The Movie

Super Special 1: A Cruel Angel's Thesis (Part Three)

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Note: Your main riffers for this part will be Benimaru, Keiko, and Akiko.

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Chapter 3 - Saturday Night Divas

The late Saturday night of Shibuya was busy, as usual. A tall man walked against the steady flow of people, hands in pocket, and face burning with anger.

Akiko: So... his face was red, then.

"Yashiro chan, wait up for us!"

A voice called after the storming Yashiro as Shermie and Chris tried to follow him. Though he was virtually emersed in his rage, Yashiro turned the next corner, escaping the unkind wave of people, and waiting on his band-mates. Breathing deeply to let out the hot air building up within, Yashiro looked up and glared at the full moon. Shermie came, panting, with Chris close behind.

Benimaru: Uh... that last sentence, um...
Kyo L.: *snickering*
Axl: I think that was a hentai!
Benimaru: My point exactly.

"Mou! Can't you just calm down, Yashiro!?" Shermie said as she swept her long hair from her face. Her red bangs were so long, they usually hid her eyes.
"I don't understand how you two can be so calm about this BS!"

Akiko: *as Yashiro* Look! Look at this fic! It's full of BS!

"But that doesn't mean you can slam the manager into the desk! We can't play at that club house anymore!"
"....The bastard asked for it. Mistaking us with another band? Ha! That's the biggest disgrace for a band! And it's not the first time, you know."

Miyuki: What, they mistook them for Limp Bizkit?
Cassy: *guffaws*

"It's the fifth, actually" Chris observed camly while his skinny fingers toyed with his necklace. A quick slap from Shermie brushed his short brown hair.

Benimaru: I'm pretty sure that Shermie wouldn't smack Chris. What's with this author writing everyone out of character so badly?
Keiko: Well, this fic was written before the year 2000. Everyone was a bit of a jerk before their personalities were fully fleshed out in winquotes.
Benimaru: Yes, but this author was also living in Japan! Shouldn't she have read or listened to some supplemental material about the series along the way?
Akiko: I don't know, maybe reading things is just too hard for them.

She turned back to Yashiro with a twisted frown.
"I understand your anger, but you need to do something with your temper.....you lose it sometimes."

Keiko: Is this a precursor to a certain "book" with a waste of carbon having a constant bad temper?
Akiko: *sarcastically* Hey, it's okay if he's hot and rich!
Keiko: It's also okay if he learns no lessons because he's "hot" and rich.

Without responding, Yashiro slowly walked down the small ally they've wandered into. Shermie looked at Chris, who shrugged his shoulder, and the two resumed their persuit of their band leader throught the streets. People still boiled in the streets, and even in these small allies.

Benimaru: People were boiling?! Was this a record heat wave?
Akiko: Suethor, it's okay! Put down the thesaurus! It'll be okay!

Yashiro recalled the arguement he just had with the manager of the club house.
(Slam him into the desk? I don't remember....all I remember is that when he said that OUR scheduled live was replaced with that other band, my vision was smeared with red, and he was flat on his face before I knew it.....)

Tails: *sighs* That doesn't make any sense. Yashiro was never this constantly aggressive in his regular side.
Amy: *while reading a book* Well, you have to realize that CYS -- that's the name of their band, Tails -- their themes revolved around death and blood. So maybe their Heavenly King personas showed a little while they were composing their songs.
Tails: Yeah, but what about their regular sides?
Amy: Well, they were apparently just regular people. Unfortunately, we'll actually never know.

Shermie knew what was on Yashiro's mind, and silently cursed herself for reminding him about his uncontrollable temper.

Benimaru: What did Tails and Amy just talk about a minute ago, fic?

She scanned the streets for something to cheer him up as she trotted by his side. A building with a line streaming into it catched her attention.

"Hey, Yashiro chan, there's a new live house here. Let's check it out."
Yashiro looked up at the screaming neon "Hesperia".

Akiko: Oh, come on! Not another connection to the Sue! Why does everything have to come full circle to her?
Benimaru: Oh, you know why.

"Hmm....maybe we can talk the people here into letting us perform..."
"And make up for the loss." Shermie slapped Chris again for that.

Keiko: You're canon characters. You're not going to gain anything while the Sue's still around. And if anything, Shermie would actually agree with Chris.

Yashiro regretted listening to one of Shermie's 'bright ideas' again.

Keiko: What's with this fic insulting the canon characters in one way or another? I thought that Nanakase wouldn't mind any of her suggestions.
Benimaru: Insulting the canons? More like insulting the ladies who aren't the Sue or her friends.
Akiko: *groans* We're going to have to deal with this? Again?
Keiko: It's not really "again" for me, Akiko. At least... not recently. What did you riff?
Akiko: Well, there was this fic that had a Sue fall in love with the main guy while bashing his canon girlfriend. And she scratched her face up in a fight.
Keiko: *flatly* Wonderful.

The house was even more jammed than outside, and the air was thick and muggy. (Damn, the band here must be pretty popular for raking in this much people...) Yashiro blurred his mind with thoughts again. The three were already tired when they pulled themselves out of the hallway and into the stage room.

"Bang, bang, bang, bang!!"

Benimaru: I think those are the sounds of Kyo shooting himself.
Kyo K.: If it'd get me out of reading this thing, then yeah, I would do that.

The room churned with the booming rhythm of the bass. Yashiro gazed at the stage. Such a frail girl with such a voice! Her short hair swayed in the spot light, her leather jacket glistened.

Akiko: Really? Really? Really? The people in my area could probably sing better than her!
Benimaru: Please tell me that he's not going to fall in love with her.

"I want to be held stronger in a burning love! No No! That won't reach the heart!
I want to swim deeper in a sweet lie! No No! That won't be enough!"

Keiko: This fic's a lie.

"Ah, this is that one song that was popular a while ago, isn't it?" Chris asked thoughtfully.
"So it is. But my, talk about popular!"

Keiko: If "popular" means "contrived", then yes.

Shermie remarked as she looked around the room. Her eyes stopped on a man, not far from them. With crossed arms, he loomed over everyone else. His maroon hair covered his face. (Woah, he's almost as tall as Yashiro...), she thought as she glanced at Yashiro, who stood by her. His eyes were fixed on the girl on the stage. The short haired vocalist. (Ya...shiro...who are you looking at....?)

"I can't stay a dreaming girl..."  

Emi: *looks at the footnote* Huh. It says that she's singing "Yume Miru Shoujo Ja Irarenai", meaning "I Can't Stay as a Dreaming Girl".
Akiko: Hey, dreams always come true if you're a Sue!

The crowd cheered in unison. Yashiro blankly stared as the girl, Kira, while Shermie stared at him....

Benimaru: *facepalms* Of course he'd fall in love with her.
Keiko: I also love how Shermie's staring at him. Perhaps this is the old trait of a jealous woman envying the Sue because "she seduced her man"?
Akiko: Yep! And this totally reminds me of that fic now! That Sue also seduced him with karaoke!
Keiko: ...karaoke?
Akiko: *shrugs* Hey, it was a Sue fic, Kei.

The streets were calm by the time the neons of "Hesperia" were finally put to rest. Raiya opened the door for the others as they shuffled out into the quiet ally. The band members chatted restlessly as Kira locked the door. A figure stood a distance away, barely in Kira's vision. She glanced up to find Iori, leaning on the wall.
"A...!"
"Yo."

Benimaru: When did Iori turn into Yashiro? Better yet, when did he turn into Manic?
Manic: I have no idea, man.

The group's chat shifted into whispers as they watched Kira walk towards the man. Of course their conversation didn't reach the eager group's ears, but that made their imagination go even wilder. Fubuki sighed at his gossiping friends, and pushed them all together towards their path home. He turned around at Kira.
"Oi, we'll be going ahead now, OK!?"
"Oyasumi~~!"
Kira waved her hand hastily at the curious bunch as they hollered in unison. They finally started their journey home, and as they were to turn the corner, Fubuki stopped. He glanced back towards Kira, still talking with that man (Iori), and broke into a dash to catch up with his friends.

Keiko: We know that that man is Yagami. Stop with the hand holding. And let me guess... this Fubuki person has feelings for her, too?
Akiko: That's three people in three chapters! Is that a world record or something?
Benimaru: She's wasting no time rounding those unfortunate souls up.

"Why did you come to Tokyo? Kushinada Kira."

Benimaru: So she can steal your soul.
Akiko: Sue Tsung wins.

Kira's eyes widen to hear her name. She shrugged as a faint smile creeped up her lips.
"So...you've figured it out....and I guess you're hear for that answer?"
Iori calmly stared at her.
"Well, it's really not a subject to be chatting in the streets about....come over to my place."

Akiko: And then they did it. End scene.
Keiko: If only we could end this fic.

Iori nervously looked around the room, for he never felt comfortable in an unfamiliar place.

Kyo K.: Yagami? Nervous? At night? Oh, you really don't know what you're writing, do ya, Suethor?

The large window framed the night cityscape of Shibuya, being on the 18th floor.

Benimaru: Of course she's living in a lavish apartment.
Keiko: Mary Sues never settle for less, Nikaido.

"An apartment in Shibuya, eh? I never knew that shrines made that much money.", he said sacrasticly to Kira.

Jessie: Somebody should ask Creflo Dollar about that. See if he has his $65 million jet yet. Yes, yes, I know it's a church and not a shrine, but still.

"Yeah, well, the Yagami, Yata (Kagura), and Kusanagi clans aren't the only visitors I have. Foreseeing for the senators and government officials can be really good money. And with a little help from them, it wasn't too hard to find myself a room in one of the newest apartments in Tokyo. Connections DO help, I have to say! Oh, by the way, do you want beer, brandy, or vodka?"

Axl: How about a shot of "That doesn't make any goddamn sense"? How in the hell is she doing all of that on top of being the lead singer in a band, running a live house, and being an art student... uh-oh.
Cassy: What's the matter, Axl?
Axl: ...this... this crap's "Rainbow Eclipse" all over again. Destiny the Dumbass did this kind of stuff, too.
Akiko: Oh, man, now the fics are blending together! I thought that riffing would be a lot more fun than this!
Keiko: When you have fics that are riddled with the most common clichés, it stops being fun after a while. Ask LeMaire's group.
Kyo L.: No kidding. Remember Sabrenagi, ladies?
Miyu: Kyo, he wasn't frustrating, he was fun! We could never forget that hilarious walking ham! And I think I made Rory hungry again.
Rory: That's it, I'm ordering a ham sandwich!

"..........alcohol in a priestess' room?" Iori looked at her with a very suprized expression.
"I'm not a priestess anymore. Plus, going to all those parties at school, I kind of learned to like alcohol."
".......-_-;"

Benimaru: *facepalms* I can't believe I'm agreeing with Iori on this.
Keiko: Join the club, Nikaido. Also, smilies don't belong in fanfics. Stop that.

Iori watched her as Kira pulled out a pair of glass mugs and two cans of beer from the fridge. (Was she like this 15 years ago, when I last saw her?)

Akiko: *laughing* Yeah, she was drinking and partying at the age of five!
James: Yeah, don't go too fast, lady! Save those brain cells for when you turn eight!

Images of the rustling trees of Izumo flooded his mind as he traced his memory. 15 years ago, the Initiation Ceremony, when he was given the purple flames of the Yagami Clan. The annoyingly bright sunlight. The endless sea of trees that surrounded the old shrine of Kushinada. And the lonely Priestess-girl that lived there alone, far from civilization, or any other people. Though twisted with a strange fate with the Kusanagi Clan, the Yagami Clan still was obligated to serve them, giver of flames and protectress.

Kyo K.: Wait, what?! Neither clan was supposed to serve some other clan! What is this crap?!
Keiko: You just said it, Kusanagi. It's crap.

The Kushinada Clan lived their sacred lives as priests in this secluded sanctuary for 1000 years. And now Kira, the hier of the clan, has left the shrine and is in Tokyo.....

Kyo L.: *whispers* ...and it's all bullshit....
Keiko: Well, Kusanagi already screamed out why this is nonsense, so do we really need to revisit that?
Benimaru: We actually have no choice. This fic was written with the '97 tournament in mind. We'll just have to wait to find out how deep that rabbit hole will go.
Kyo K.: It's going to be deep in some crap, I can tell you that much.

"Oh yes, you were here to hear the reason why I left the shrine...."
Kira said as she finished the beer that lingered in her mug. Iori watched her, waiting for the answer.
"You see, there's no particular reason for it."

Keiko: And there you have it. She has no reason to leave the mountains and ruin the canon even further. Why does this even exist?
Akiko: Because... um... reasons?

"Wha.....but the Orochi...!?"
"What about them? Are you thinking that I came out of the mountains just because a priest-went-berserk ruined your little duel with Kyo last year? No, it's nothing like that. It's just that...well, other than the traditional visitors that came to our shrine, the selected few of the government hierarchy and the Three Sacred Clans, I've received many visitors from outside of the government. Much more than my preceedors received. They came with the fresh news from the outer world to me. I...I just didn't want to be in the mountains all alone anymore. All I could do was draw and forget my lonliness there. One of the visitors, who was a benefactor for a private college in Tokyo as well as a senator, recommended to me that I should at least try my ability in drawing by submitting my drawing to an art institute. I knew I shouldn't interact with the outer world, but I sent them my drawings. When a letter from them came saying I was chosen for a scholarship, I couldn't bear it anymore."

Benimaru: All I got from that paragraph of gibberish was that a plot device randomly came to the mountains and whisked her away just because.
Rory: That doesn't make any sense!
Keiko: None of this makes sense, Hancock.
Akiko: Wait, so... she gives those two their powers, but she whines about not being noticed? Am I getting that right?
Benimaru: And that's why it doesn't make any sense.

"So, you left the shrine, the clan's tradition behind, and came to Tokyo...?" After listening quietly to Kira, Iori finally asked. She lightly smiled.
"I thought, 'why should I suffer and perish here alone, just because of the tradition of thousands of years ago?' I didn't want to be tied down by the heavy burden of the clan. To Hell with that."

Akiko: Hey, I know about going against fate, but... uh, what's with this melodrama?
Keiko: This is going to turn into a soap opera, isn't it?
Akiko: I hope so! It'll be so funny!

"......." Iori lingered on the idea. "We're the same, carrying the name and pride of the family we didn't ask for."
(I just don't have the guts to go against it like she does, though.) Iori smiled at himself crudely.

All: *facepalms*
Kyo K.: That's not Yagami! Who is this bad clone?!
Benimaru: This question just came from the guy who was cloned. How ironic.
Kyo K.: Yeah, well, uh... you know.

"Hey."
"Hm??" Kira looked up.
"You mind if I come here once in a while?"
Her eyes widened at the remark, then shifted to a grin.

"Of course you can."

All: Are you kidding me?!
Akiko: Four people in three chapters! This Sue's on a roll here!
Keiko: Three chapters and she's already starting to leave a massive path of destruction in her wake. I'm a little afraid to find out what happens in the remaining twenty-seven chapters.
Benimaru: Twenty... seven?
Keiko: And an epilogue and an afterword.
Akiko: *stretches* Well, we might as well make the best of it.

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